- Samantha: They play it with a ball and a big stick called a bat. One man throws it to the man holding the bat, who tries to hit it. Then everybody chases the ball, and the man who hits it runs around in a circle on a field called a diamond before anyone else can tag him. And the one who runs around the most wins the series.
- Endora: A series of what?
- Samantha: Nothing. Just a series.
- Endora: Typical. That's a human being for you. Spend most of their lives running around in circles for a series of nothing.
- Endora: I detest sounding like one of those mothers who thinks they know it all, but unfortunately, I do.
- Abner Kravitz: You want me to call the doctor, Gladys?
- Gladys Kravitz: No, it wouldn't do any good.
- Abner Kravitz: Why not?
- Gladys Kravitz: Because he doesn't believe me either.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Among the more soul-satisfying suburban activities is that collaboration with nature that brings fragrance and beauty to the home: Hoticulture. Husbands appreciative of their wives' efforts as they leave for their offices, secure in the knowledge their mates are at home digging, rather than in town shopping. In time, patience, fortitude, and loving care are rewarded by fragrant blooms, sturdy and bursting with color. Providing, of course, you have the proper soil and a green thumb... or unless you happen to be a witch.
- Gladys Kravitz: How do you suppose all three of them got tied up?
- Shirley Clyde: Boys will be boys.
- Gladys Kravitz: But if two are tied up, who ties up the third?
- [last lines]
- Darrin Stephens: Say, could she... I mean, really turn me into an artichoke?
- Samantha: If she wanted to.
- Darrin Stephens: That's creepy. What could you do? I mean, if she did?
- Samantha: Nothing, except...
- Darrin Stephens: Except what?
- Samantha: I could become an artichoke too.
- Samantha: And I wish you wouldn't do that.
- Endora: Do what?
- Samantha: Well, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about. This is a normal household, and I'm trying to avoid witchcraft wherever and whenever possible.
- Endora: That's ridiculous, Samantha. You are what you are, and there's nothing you can do to change that.
- Samantha: I'm not trying to change. I'm merely trying to adjust.
- Endora: He's trying to make you over.
- Samantha: He's doing no such thing.
- Endora: Samantha, one of these days you'll see that I'm right.
- June Foster: Shirley and I are leading picketing teams, and Gladys will stand by in case someone has to sit down in front of the cement mixer.
- Gladys Kravitz: Me? Why me?
- Shirley Clyde: We voted.
- Gladys Kravitz: Nobody told me.
- June Foster: It was a secret ballot.
- Gladys Kravitz: The phone was not connected. May I never get off this couch again if the phone was connected!
- Abner Kravitz: Gladys, don't get excited. You'll melt the cubes too fast.
- Gladys Kravitz: You think I'm cuckoo, don't ya?
- Abner Kravitz: Gladys, you called me about two kids who were tied up in a bedroom.
- Gladys Kravitz: Three kids! Three kids were tied up.
- Abner Kravitz: Don't yell, Gladys.
- Gladys Kravitz: If two kids were tied up, I wouldn't have had to call you. Don't you understand?
- Abner Kravitz: Sure, Gladys.
- Gladys Kravitz: Then you believe me that when I called you, the phone was not connected?
- Endora: What on earth did you do that for?
- Samantha: Do what?
- Endora: You carried that ashtray to me. Don't tell me you've forgotten how to levitate.
- Samantha: Well, of course I haven't forgotten, Mother. It's just that Darrin prefers that I don't do any of that stuff anymore.
- Endora: Why do you object to my daughter being herself, young man?
- Darrin Stephens: Well, I don't object, Mrs...
- Endora: You'll never be able to pronounce it. Just call me Endora.
- Darrin Stephens: I like Samantha the way she is, Endora. She doesn't need any of that other nonsense.
- Endora: Nonsense?
- Samantha: Darrin doesn't mean anything. Darrin, please.
- Darrin Stephens: I mean, we don't need those powers of hers. We can handle things very well by ourselves.
- Endora: Oh, you think so, do you?
- Darrin Stephens: Oh, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives.
- Endora: What is normal to you, young man, is to us asinine. Samantha is what she is, and that you cannot change.
- Samantha: Mother, I made the decision myself.
- Endora: Yes, I know. A decision I do not approve.
- Samantha: Samantha and I can handle our problems by ourselves. They're nobody else's business.
- Samantha: Darrin, please!
- Endora: Are you threatening me?
- Darrin Stephens: Not exactly.
- Samantha: Darrin, please understand. Mother means well.
- Endora: Don't you worry, my poor baby. Your mother will see to it that you're treated properly.
- Darrin Stephens: I have every intention of treating her properly without any help or interference from you.
- Gladys Kravitz: Go ahead. Say anything you want. Insult me. Call me cuckoo. Kill me. I don't mind. And you know why, sweetheart? Because I know this is all a dream.
- Endora: Does what's-his-name have a weak heart?
- Samantha: His name is Darrin, Mother. D-A-R-R-I-N. And he's in perfectly good health. And I want him to like my mother.
- Endora: What sort of mother do you think he'd prefer? Lavender and old lace? Pioneer stock, perhaps? Old World? New World? What would you prefer?
- Samantha: Very funny, very funny. But I'd prefer you on time.
- Darrin Stephens: [asking about Endora] Well, what sort of eyes does she have?
- Samantha: They're blue. All five of them.
- Endora: This must be Whats-His-Name?
- Samantha: Mother, this is my husband. This is...
- Darrin Stephens: ...Darrin.
- Darrin Stephens: Well, I'd like it much better if you'd call me by my first name.
- Endora: Very well, Dennis.
- Darrin Stephens: I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives.
- Endora: What is normal to you young man, is to us asinine.
- Darrin Stephens: Oh sure, sure, I suppose I look like some sort of a freak to you because I want to live what is to me a normal existence.
- Samantha: Darrin, I didn't say that. I understand how you feel. Whatever it is you want, that's what I want too.
- Darrin Stephens: Are you absolutely sure, Sam?
- Samantha: Yes.
- Darrin Stephens: What about your mother?
- Samantha: She'll get used to the idea. Anyway, you married me, not my mother.
- Endora: To think I'd ever live to see the day a daughter of mine would be down on her knees in the dirt, digging for onions!
- Samantha: I'm not digging for onions. I'm planting gladiolus.
- Endora: You're making a fool of yourself. That's what you're doing.
- Samantha: Oh, now, Mother, don't be so stuffy. Everybody plants flowers around their homes. It's part of the scheme of things. Anyway, it's fun planting seeds and watching flowers grow in a natural way.
- Endora: Yes, I saw an exhibition of that natural growth this morning, when whosis left for wherever it is he goes in the morning.
- Darrin Stephens: Hey, I see you got the phone connected, huh?
- Samantha: No. No, they won't be here until later this afternoon.
- Shirley Clyde: Oh, why don't we all go into the kitchen? We wouldn't mind at all.
- June Foster: Of course not. After all, we're really not company, and, well, your nice things will probably have to last you for a long, long time.
- Shirley Clyde: The boys are awfully quiet.
- Samantha: Yes, isn't that nice?
- June Foster: Boys are always dangerous when they're quiet.
- Endora: I told you, Samantha, that you wouldn't like being part of the animal world.
- Samantha: They're not animals, Mother. They're human beings.
- Endora: Yes, of course. Granted, the most intelligent of animals. And as Diogenes said, also the silliest. Or was it Diogenes?
- Samantha: Hmm?
- Endora: Oh, well, It was one of those young, good-looking Greeks who talked an awful lot.
- Samantha: [doorbell rings] She's here.
- Darrin Stephens: Well, at least she didn't fly down the chimney.
- Darrin Stephens: You know, having a plain, ordinary mother-in-law is a new experience to me. But having a mother-in-law who's a... I mean, uh... Do you, uh, resemble her?
- Samantha: No. I look like my father.
- Darrin Stephens: Ah. Oh, what does your mother look like?
- Samantha: Well, she's 5'6" and weighs about 118 pounds.
- Darrin Stephens: Well, sounds normal.
- Samantha: What do you mean?
- Darrin Stephens: Well, I mean, um... It looks... It sounds like she looks normal.
- Samantha: What do you expect my mother to look like?
- Darrin Stephens: How would I know?
- Samantha: Well, you know what I look like.
- Darrin Stephens: Well, that's no proof!
- Samantha: Proof of what?
- Darrin Stephens: Proof that she doesn't have... Well, a...
- Samantha: Will you answer the door, or shall I?
- Darrin Stephens: I'll answer it.
- Samantha: Ask her to leave her broom outside.
- Darrin Stephens: I suppose I look like some sort of a freak to you because I wanna live what is to me a perfectly normal existence.