- Babs Livingston: Can I tell you something, honey? That little girl you married is a witch.
- Darrin Stephens: Pardon?
- Babs Livingston: In all my life, I never saw one person that could throw together a dinner like this. And she did it all by herself. It's like magic.
- Darrin Stephens: She's very gifted that way.
- Samantha: Mr. Barker, I'm warning you!
- [she turns Mr. Barker into a dog]
- Darrin Stephens: [entering] What are you doing out here all alone?
- Samantha: [holding the dog] Oh, I'm not alone.
- Darrin Stephens: [pointing to Mr. Barker, who is now a dog] That's my client?
- Samantha: You don't even wanna hear what happened?
- Darrin Stephens: I had the account all wrapped up. What am I supposed to do now? Bring Larry Tate a contract with Barker's paw print on it?
- 1st Policeman: What's your name?
- Samantha: Stephens. Mrs. Darrin Stephens.
- 1st Policeman: How come you're in your robe, Mrs. Stephens?
- Samantha: Robe? Oh, yes. Well, you see, I was taking my dog for a walk, and... I wish you'd let me find him. Something terrible is going to happen, I just know it.
- 1st Policeman: Now, don't get excited, Mrs. Stephens.
- Samantha: I have to find that dog. My husband's very fond of that animal.
- [last lines]
- Darrin Stephens: Samantha!
- Samantha: I know, I know. No 'hocus pocus'. So sue me, it was worth it.
- [first lines]
- Endora: Did I startle you, darling? Try a touch of bay leaf from India.
- Samantha: Have you ever thought of calling before you drop in, like other people?
- Endora: I'm not like other people, Samantha. Neither are you. So will you please kindly tell me why you are wearing yourself out?
- Samantha: Because Mr. McMann and Mr. Tate thought it'd be nice to have Mr. Barker here for dinner tonight.
- Endora: Well, why don't they have him to dinner?
- Samantha: Because he's Darrin's account. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am very busy.
- Endora: There's an easier way to do that, you know.
- Samantha: I promised I wouldn't.
- Endora: Oh, please, you're breaking my heart.
- Samantha: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and change.
- Endora: Oh, well, go right ahead.
- Samantha: My dog, he'll be killed.
- 1st Policeman: We'll get him. Just don't get excited.
- Samantha: Yes, but you don't understand. You see...
- 1st Policeman: Do you live around here?
- Samantha: Yes.
- Rex Barker: Hi.
- Darrin Stephens: What are you doing here?
- Rex Barker: Well I just dropped by to tell you I signed with your outfit, provided you handle the account.
- Darrin Stephens: You expect me to work with you after what happened?
- Rex Barker: Oh, forget it. I've got a problem. Some of my best friends have knocked me cold. Hey, listen, if you and your wife are ever in Columbus, Ohio, I... Oh, forget it.
- Darrin Stephens: Sam! They want me back on the job.
- Samantha: Well, I'm not surprised.
- Darrin Stephens: You didn't have anything to do with this, did you?
- Samantha: Of course not, everybody wants you because you're the best there is. Now how about taking me out to celebrate?
- Darrin Stephens: Goo idea. I'll get my hat.
- Samantha: Uh-uh. Don't you dare move.
- Rex Barker: What'd you think of the label? The way it's packaged?
- Darrin Stephens: Frankly, Mr. Barker, I think there's room for improvement.
- Rex Barker: Hmm. I designed it myself.
- Darrin Stephens: I still think there's room for improvement.
- Rex Barker: Did...? Did you open the can?
- Darrin Stephens: I did.
- Rex Barker: Taste the product?
- Darrin Stephens: No, Mr. Barker. I'm not crazy about baby food. It's a little, uh, bland for my taste.
- Rex Barker: What's bland about strained bananas and squash with buttered beef hearts? It's delicious. In fact, it's so good, you hate to give it to your kid.
- Rex Barker: The slogan. "Barker's is so good, you hate to feed it to your child."
- Darrin Stephens: Well, I'd rephrase that, Mr. Barker. "Barker's is so good... you can hardly resist eating it yourself." Something like that.
- Rex Barker: You like rephrasing things I say, don't you?
- Darrin Stephens: I like being honest.
- Larry Tate: You said "first-rate." I presume you were referring to Stephens' portfolio.
- Rex Barker: No, I was referring to his wife.
- Larry Tate: But about the campaign, did you have a chance to look it over?
- Rex Barker: I haven't even had a chance to look her over yet. She's been in and out of that kitchen all evening. Oh, there she is. Oh, she's quite a girl. Yep.
- Darrin Stephens: Everybody's raving about the dinner and you, especially Barker. Meeting you might be the thing that gets us his account.
- Samantha: You're not serious?
- Darrin Stephens: Well, I certainly am. Barker's very impressed with you. You married me. Therefore it follows, I must be something very special. Presto, he hands over the account.
- Samantha: Mr. Barker, I'm warning you. If you don't get control of yourself, I'm going to do something drastic.
- Rex Barker: Promise?
- Darrin Stephens: You actually turned a human being into a dog.
- Samantha: Yes.
- Darrin Stephens: And that dog is Rex Barker?
- Samantha: Yes.
- Darrin Stephens: I can't believe it.
- Samantha: Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I had to do it. You see, he was drunk.
- Darrin Stephens: Hrmph? Of course, that explains everything. A drunken dog is better than a drunken man.
- Samantha: He trapped me in the garden and was making advances. I had to do something.
- Darrin Stephens: You call that something?
- Samantha: Barker practically attacked me. But that doesn't seem to matter as long as you get him to sign with your agency.
- Darrin Stephens: What do you mean, he attacked you?
- Samantha: He was very aggressive.
- Darrin Stephens: You're exaggerating.
- Samantha: I am not!
- Darrin Stephens: Well, so maybe he had a few too many. Any common, ordinary wife would know how to handle it. But not you. No, you had to turn him into an animal!
- Samantha: Well, he behaved like an animal. He grabbed me and tried to bite me.
- Darrin Stephens: No wonder. Look at the way you're dressed.
- Samantha: I wasn't dressed like this.
- Darrin Stephens: You are now. Put something on. You're driving him crazy.
- Samantha: You're so concerned about him. What about me?
- Darrin Stephens: Well, what about you? You're just a wife. He's a... livelihood.
- Samantha: And that's all you care about?
- Endora: I just popped in to say I told you so. Oh, that ridiculous husband of yours certainly is a sketch. I almost split me bodice.
- Larry Tate: What are you doing?
- Darrin Stephens: Protecting my wife.
- Larry Tate: He was only with her for a minute. What could he have done?
- Darrin Stephens: He was nibbling at her neck.
- Larry Tate: You didn't have to hit him.
- Darrin Stephens: What do you expect me to do?
- Larry Tate: Well, use a little diplomacy.
- Darrin Stephens: When somebody insults my wife, that's as diplomatic as I get. You all right, sweetheart?
- Samantha: Oh, I'm fine. But you didn't have to do that.
- Darrin Stephens: I should've done that last night.
- Samantha: Oh, you wouldn't hit a little dog.
- Rex Barker: That must have been some party last night.
- Larry Tate: What did you do?
- Rex Barker: I don't know. But whatever it was, I won first prize.
- Larry Tate: What happened to your hair?
- Rex Barker: I haven't the faintest idea.
- Darrin Stephens: It looks good.
- Rex Barker: Yeah. You ought to see my chest. It's all... ruffled.
- Darrin Stephens: Why don't you sit down?
- Rex Barker: Yeah. Oh! Seems like I backed into a cactus bush or something.
- Rex Barker: I usually drink it with carrot juice. I get just as smashed, but I can see better after dark.
- Samantha: How are you feeling, Mr. Barker?
- Rex Barker: Miserable, thanks. But this'll straighten me out. A little hair of the dog that bit me. Know what I mean?