Bewitched (TV Series)

Help, Help, Don't Save Me (1964)

Dick York: Darrin Stephens

Quotes 

• Larry Tate : You look terrible. What's happened?

  Darrin Stephens : Nothing much. I just lost the Caldwell account and my wife all in one week.

  Larry Tate : What? That's horrible.

  Darrin Stephens : I know, I can't believe it.

  Larry Tate : Your wife too, huh?

• Samantha : It seems ridiculous that something like a can of soup could ever come between us.

  Darrin Stephens : And nothing ever will again.

• Darrin Stephens : Beautiful, isn't it?

  Samantha : Breathtaking.

  Darrin Stephens : You know, I come down here every once in a while just to sit and stare. It's kind of old-fashioned and romantic, isn't it?

  Samantha : Mm-mm. It's wonderful. And I'm very proud of you.

  Darrin Stephens : Thank you, sweetheart.

• Darrin Stephens : It was you. You did it.

  Samantha : Did what?

  Darrin Stephens : Lay out a perfect solution of the whole campaign and hand it to me on a silver platter.

  Samantha : I was only trying to help.

  Darrin Stephens : Sam, I don't want that kind of help. I told you, magic was out.

  Samantha : But there was no magic in what I did.

  Darrin Stephens : Well, what would you call it?

  Samantha : I'd call it imagination. I do have some, you know.

  Darrin Stephens : Oh, come on, Sam. I don't have that kind of an imagination, and I'm a professional.

• Darrin Stephens : What we're trying to do, Mr. Caldwell, is, uh, update your campaign. Make it appeal more to the modern eye.

  Mr. Caldwell : Well, I'm not so sure I care to appeal to the modern eye. I like to think there's a good bit of old-fashioned romance left in the world.

• Darrin Stephens : You're losing him. In about 10 seconds, he's going to walk. And what have you proved? That you've got pride and integrity. And you're stupid?

• Darrin Stephens : If I do it once, I'll do it again. And before you know, I won't be able to do anything for myself.

  Mr. Caldwell : Well, that's an interesting philosophy. But I don't see how it applies to soup.

• Samantha : Did you have a hard day?

  Darrin Stephens : Oh, no. I often lose the agency's biggest accounts. Two or three a week sometimes.

• Larry Tate : And don't feel too badly about it. Happens to all of us.

  Darrin Stephens : I don't care about Caldwell.

  Larry Tate : I was talking about your wife.

• Larry Tate : But don't feel too badly about Caldwell either. You've got a great batting average. You gotta whiff one once in a while.

  Darrin Stephens : I didn't whiff anything. I was right on top of it. I just came up too late with the answers, that's all.

• Darrin Stephens : And you're not going to buy it.

  Mr. Caldwell : I'm sorry, Stephens.

  Darrin Stephens : That's marvelous!

  Larry Tate : What's the matter with you?

  Darrin Stephens : You wouldn't understand, Larry. My... Mr. Caldwell, are you absolutely sure you won't change your mind?

  Mr. Caldwell : Absolutely.

  Darrin Stephens : Mr. Caldwell, I'm eternally grateful to you.

  Larry Tate : Wait a minute. Have you become completely uncorked?

• Samantha : What made you change your mind?

  Darrin Stephens : Caldwell wouldn't buy the campaign.

  Samantha : What do you mean, "Caldwell wouldn't buy the campaign"?

  Darrin Stephens : I mean he wouldn't buy the campaign, so it must have been your imagination. Your ideas were no good.

  Samantha : Well, Darrin, I don't think that's very nice.

  Darrin Stephens : Well, I-I don't mean that your ideas are no good or that you don't have any imagination...

• Samantha : The only thing that's important is that I love you.

  Darrin Stephens : And I love you.

  Samantha : Oh, it seems ridiculous that a can of soup could ever come between us.

  Darrin Stephens : Nothing ever will again. What did you just say?

  Samantha : I said, the only thing that was important is that I loved you.

  Darrin Stephens : No, after that, you said something.

  Samantha : I don't know. When?

  Darrin Stephens : Why didn't I think of that?

  Samantha : What are you talking about?

  Darrin Stephens : You just said... You sure you don't know what you said?

  Samantha : About what?

  Darrin Stephens : Never mind. Never mind. Sam, I've got it. And it's perfect. It's more than perfect. It is inspired. And you inspired it.

  Samantha : I did?

  Darrin Stephens : Yes, you did. You inspired it, and I found it, and that's the way it ought to be.

• Samantha : Darrin, you didn't have an idea?

  Darrin Stephens : No, and I didn't use yours either.

  Samantha : Well, I thought you might in an emergency.

  Darrin Stephens : You have almost as much faith in my lack of integrity as you have in my lack of talent.

  Samantha : Oh, Darrin, please.

  Darrin Stephens : Well, you weren't entirely wrong. I thought about spreading out your miracle there before him, just to save my own face, but I bit my tongue. You see that? I let him walk out on me, in spite of all your influence.

  Samantha : What do you mean by that?

  Darrin Stephens : I could feel you there in the restaurant, prodding and digging at my conscience.

  Samantha : Well, I haven't been anywhere near your conscience. All day, I've been right here at home. I've vacuumed and scrubbed and cleaned. And I made dinner.

  Darrin Stephens : Well, big deal.

  Samantha : What does that mean?

  Darrin Stephens : Well, I've seen the way you can, wham, wash and, uh, pow, clean and... ring-a-ding up a dinner.

  Samantha : Well, I didn't wham, pow or ring-a-ding up anything. These are bona fide dishpan hands.

  Darrin Stephens : You could've whipped that up too, for appearance.

  Samantha : Are you calling me a liar?

  Darrin Stephens : If the shoe fits.

• Darrin Stephens : I could lock up Caldwell in two minutes if I wanted to.

  Larry Tate : "If you wanted to"? Don't you want the sun to rise tomorrow morning? Don't you wanna live to a ripe old age? Don't you want me to live till tomorrow? Don't you want the most important person in the whole world to come back to you?

  Darrin Stephens : Of course I want her to come back.

  Larry Tate : I mean Caldwell.

• Darrin Stephens : Did you say you didn't like it?

  Mr. Caldwell : That's right. It has no good old-fashioned romance in it.

  Darrin Stephens : You mean you really don't like it?

  Mr. Caldwell : Mmm. No warmth, no love, no sex.

  Larry Tate : Sex?

  Mr. Caldwell : I don't suppose there are many of us left who look upon soup as having sex appeal, but I do. I always will.

• Darrin Stephens : Samantha, come back here! Samantha! Samantha!