- Samantha Stephens: [Aunt Clara, who intended to exchange a hat to a smaller size, just turned Darrin into a chimpanzee] Aunt Clara, I'm terribly sorry we have to run out on you, but we have a reservation for eight o'clock.
- [seeing the chimpanzee]
- Samantha Stephens: What's that?
- Aunt Clara: That's your husband.
- Samantha Stephens: Darrin?
- [to chimp Darrin]
- Samantha Stephens: Darrin. Darrin. What did she do to you?
- Aunt Clara: [muddled, to Samantha] Well, the cap was too small and I made it the right size, but got it on the wrong head.
- Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara, this is terrible. You bring Darrin back right this minute.
- [first lines]
- Darrin Stephens: Sweetheart, you look beautiful.
- Samantha Stephens: Thank you, Darling. What time is our reservation?
- Darrin Stephens: Eight o'clock. Any regrets about not having a party?
- Samantha Stephens: Nope. I want to celebrate our first wedding anniversary alone.
- Darrin Stephens: So do I. How about us? One whole year.
- [There is an explosion. They run outside to see that Aunt Clara has demolished the gazebo]
- Samantha Stephens: Aunt Clara?
- Aunt Clara: Oh, dear. I thought I'd drop in to wish you a happy anniversary.
- Darrin Stephens: [trying on the golf cap Aunt Clara brought him] What do you think?
- Aunt Clara: I don't know. I think it's a little small.
- Darrin Stephens: I'll exchange it.
- Aunt Clara: Oh, don't be silly. No, I'll cast a spell, and everything will be quite alright.
- Darrin Stephens: Don't go to any trouble, Aunt Clara.
- Aunt Clara: Aba-daba-daba, Daba-daba-aba, Remedium decapito zipperary.
- [Darrin is transformed into a chimpanzee]
- Aunt Clara: I goofed.
- Samantha Stephens: [Aunt Clara can't remember the spell she used to turn Darrin into a chimpanzee] Please, Aunt Clara, you have to remember. This is very serious. If you can't remember the exact words, then you can't break that spell, and neither can I.
- Aunt Clara: Is that so? Oh dear. You mean, you mean, not even you, a bloody relation? Excuse me, a blood relation?
- Samantha Stephens: Not even anyone.
- Endora: [Endora pops in after Aunt Clara turns Darrin into a chimpanzee] Good morning, Samantha.
- Samantha Stephens: Mother, there's something I have to tell you.
- Endora: Good morning, Derwood.
- Samantha Stephens: Darrin.
- Endora: Alright, whatever.
- Samantha Stephens: You recognized him?
- Endora: I'd know Dilbert anywhere. I just left your Aunt Clara. Poor dear, she feels terribly guilty. Samantha, should you allow him to sit on the sofa? He'll shed hair all over it.
- Samantha Stephens: It's his house. He can shed hair wherever he wants.
- Aunt Clara: I have my book of spells, and sooner or later, we'll find the words that made a monkey out of Darrin.
- Aunt Clara: [Sam just told her about her pregnancy] I'll be a great-aunt.
- Samantha Stephens: You've always been a great aunt.
- Endora: I hate to criticize a man when he's down, Samantha, but Donald always struck me as being overly sensitive.
- Samantha Stephens: His name is Darrin!
- Gladys Kravitz: Abner, I whipped up a batch of my icebox cookies. Now I'm going over and give some to Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.
- Abner Kravitz: Why do you want to inflict suffering on such a nice couple?
- Gladys Kravitz: My icebox cookies are very unusual.
- Abner Kravitz: I know. You make them out of real iceboxes.
- Gladys Kravitz: [after finding Darrin, the chimpanzee] I wonder where he belongs?
- Abner Kravitz: He belongs in a zoo. And so do you.
- [last lines]
- Samantha Stephens: Oh, hi, Mrs. Gravitz.
- Gladys Kravitz: Hello. I wondered if you knew anything about the chimp I caught here today.
- Samantha Stephens: Chimp?
- Gladys Kravitz: Yes. Cute little thing. He was wearing a tuxedo and a golf cap.
- [Darrin walks over wearing a tuxedo and a golf cap]
- Darrin Stephens: Yes? Go on, Mrs. Kravitz.
- [Mrs. Kravitz screams and runs home]