Barney Miller (TV Series)
Graft (1975)
Abe Vigoda: Det. Phil Fish
Quotes
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Det. Phil Fish : [complaining about no elevator in the building] I musta been a breech baby. My feet are older than I am.
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Det. Phil Fish : [talking about Kelly] He was probably snooping around into our personnel files and came up with something really big.
Capt. Barney Miller : Like what?
Det. Phil Fish : Like the fact that I cheated on my income tax.
Capt. Barney Miller : When was that?
Det. Phil Fish : About nine, ten years ago. I went to a police convention in San Francisco, and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : There's nothing illegal about that.
Det. Phil Fish : Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.
Capt. Barney Miller : Did the I.R.S. find out about it?
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah, they disallowed it and they took it out the next year.
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, if you're straight with the government, Kelly can't hurt you.
Det. Phil Fish : I'm not worried about Kelly, I'm worried about Bernice.
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Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale : If you were going to make obscene phone calls, would you make them from one location or from a variety of locations?
Det. Phil Fish : I'd rather have someone else make them for me.
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Det. Phil Fish : [Fish had to walk up the stairs to the precinct] Ten years ago, I said, "Put an elevator in this building." Five years ago, I said it again. Last year, I even offered to pay for it.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Fish, Fish, listen -- In the event a prisoner is being extradited from the county of one state to the county of another state and such extradition papers have been presented to the police officer in charge of the extradition. When the prisoner is delivered in the county of the second state , signed for and released by the receiving police officer, is it necessary for the extraditing police officer to file in the county of the first state, copies of the extradition paper that have been given to the police officer in the county of the second state ?
Det. Phil Fish : Good Morning
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Capt. Barney Miller : All right Gentleman, we have all purged our souls, life goes on : Yemana - that's a police phone not a racing wire, and Chano - see if you can convince your brother-in-law that there is still some hope for us, ah, Wojo - when you take that Sergeants exam, wear a clean shirt, Fish -...
Det. Phil Fish : Don't waste a warning on me
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Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Go fry a noodle.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : That's beneath you.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : It's always me that's doing something wrong: "What'd you say this for, Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."
Det. Phil Fish : Nobody says that about you, Wojo.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?
Det. Phil Fish : That was out of line.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : See? It's always somebody beefing about something I done! I wish I was back out on the streets in uniform again.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : If you're worried about dirty marks on your laundry, maybe Kelly can accommodate you.
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Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Look at this exacta at Aqueduct: 800 bucks.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Why do they make everything so damn difficult?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Number 3 and Number 4, and I always bet my age.
Det. Phil Fish : You're not 34!
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : I was when I won my last exacta.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Yemana, why don't you put that damn thing away?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : What did I do?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : All you ever do is bet on the horses... or a football game, or a basketball game, or some crap game.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : You left out jai alai.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Very funny. If you tried busting bookies, instead of calling them on the telephone all the time, maybe we wouldn't have a yardbird like Kelly sneaking up our keisters all the time.