- [Archie and Edith have just arrived at Stretch Cunningham's funeral, only to discover it is a Jewish service]
- Archie Bunker: What's goin' on, Edith?
- Edith Bunker: I guess Stretch must have been Jewish.
- Archie Bunker: Stretch Jewish? With a name like Cunningham?
- Edith Bunker: Oh, well, Archie... what's in a name?
- Archie Bunker: A Jewish name ain't supposed to have no "ham" in it.
- Archie Bunker: I can't go through with this. Edith, Edith, I'm no good at this. How would you like to see me just louse up poor Stretch's funeral?
- Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie, you ain't gonna do that. You've been to lots of funerals.
- Archie Bunker: I know, I know, Edith, but I ain't never delivered a urology.
- Archie Bunker: Stretch was always one of the uppest guys you ever met, see. Always laughing, telling jokes himself. Many a Jewish joke he told. He told the one about the priest said to the rabbi... he told about the priest said to the rabbi, "How come you never eat no ham?" The rabbi said, "It's against my religion. How come you never go out with a girl?" And the priest said, "it's against my religion." And the rabbi said, "You ought to try it. It's better than ham."
- [Mike is an atheist]
- Archie: Did you ever in your life tell somebody to go to Hell?
- Mike Stivic: Well...
- Archie: Don't give me any long stories, just answer me yes or no.
- Mike Stivic: Well, yes.
- Archie: So where did you want them to go, Disneyland?
- Archie Bunker: I'll tell ya, though, the thing that makes me feel bad is all them mean things I was saying about his matinees, and all of that, you know? He could've been dead right when I was complaining about him, Edith. Hey, maybe he even heard me.
- Edith Bunker: Oh, no, he couldn't have heard you, especially if he was dead.
- Archie Bunker: Dead is the time when the spirit hears things, Edith. How do you know that Stretch's spirit ain't here right now, listening to every word we say, right here in this room.
- Edith Bunker: But he lived in the Bronx!
- Archie Bunker: His spirit didn't have to stay in the Bronx! Jeez, if you was his spirit, would you stay in the Bronx?
- Edith Bunker: Eat your salad, it's good roughage.
- Archie Bunker: Edith, at my age I don't need roughage, I need smoothage.