- Kelsey: He's the same age as you? Geez, you look like you got 10 or 15 years on him!
- Archie Bunker: Why don't you go back to bartender school and take a course in SHUT UP!
- Edith Bunker: He ain't actin' normal. Last night he sat through the whole newscast without blowin' a raspberry at Walter Cronkite.
- Edith Bunker: [to Archie and Mike] Oh, my, how did you two get in a fight so quick?
- Archie Bunker: This guy came downstairs!
- Edith Bunker: I've needed glasses for years, and you're older than me.
- Archie Bunker: That's only because I was born first!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All these women are having their faces lifted, their breasts lifted - just last week, in the paper, a woman had her BOTTOM lifted!
- Archie Bunker: Oh, my - wouldn't that make her too tall to sit down?
- Bill Mulheron: Look at Pablo Picasso, the great painter - over 80 and still going strong! And why? Because he keeps marrying younger women! And what about that other Pablo... Casals!
- Archie Bunker: Oh, yeah - the welterweight...
- Bill Mulheron: No, the cellist!
- Archie Bunker: [Masking his ignorance] Oh, yeah...
- Archie Bunker: [Referring to his hair] See, this here is what you call early gray - I had it since my 20s.
- Tina: Oh, did something bad happen?
- Archie Bunker: Yeah, the Giants moved to California.
- CBS News Announcer: Now, from New York, it's the CBS News, with Walter Cronkite.
- [Archie blows a raspberry]
- Edith Bunker: But, Archie, he ain't said nothin' yet.
- Archie Bunker: He will!