Absolutely Fabulous (TV Series)
Fat (1992)
Joanna Lumley: Patsy
Quotes
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Eddie : I'm opening a shop, Pats.
Patsy : Ooh, what are you going to sell?
Eddie : Oh, just gorgeous things, you know.
Patsy : Ooh, lovely.
Eddie : Gorgeous, tasteful, little stylish little gorgeous things.
Patsy : Expensive...
Eddie : Obviously, yes. They'll be present-y Anoushka Hempel-y sorts of things everywhere.
Patsy : Chocolates?
Eddie : Garden implements, that sort of thing.
[flicking through a magazine]
Eddie : I can't find anyone I want to look like... Oh! Oh, she's not bad. Who's that?
Patsy : That's Ivana Trump.
Eddie : She's good, isn't she?
Bubble : Do you think so? She looks like a classic bimbo to me. All that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head. False tan. She's far too thin. Always pouting. Absolutely no character. The skirt's too short. I mean, it's pathetic these older women struggling to look twenty five... Sorry.
Patsy : I think she's tremendous.
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Eddie : You're very thin, aren't you, Bubble
Patsy : She's emaciated, like her brain!
Bubble : I know, it's awful. I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter. I cannot put on weight.
Eddie : Oh, how terrible...
Bubble : I know. I wish I was more curvy. I wish I had breasts like yours.
Eddie : No, you don't.
Bubble : Yes, I do.
Eddie : No, you don't.
Bubble : I do! Great, big, large, pendulous breasts. I'd like to fill a bra.
Eddie : No, you wouldn't. Just stop saying you do. You don't know what it feels like. You think, just because you feel better with a couple of oranges stuffed down your cups, that you know what it feels like. Well, you don't. It's hell.
Bubble : I don't have to wear a bra. I just stuff the oranges down me vest.
Eddie : Listen, you little bookmark. You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you?
Bubble : I've remembered what she's called. Penny Caspar-Morse!
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Eddie : Now is there anything I should look at?
Bubble : Yes, a few of them what-you-call-thems have come through.
Eddie : What?
Bubble : Paper comes out...
Eddie : What, what paper?
Bubble : Very important, urgent paper.
Eddie : What? Tell me, tell me.
Bubble : The paper that comes out of the answering machine.
Eddie : Fax?
Bubble : Messages, letters, the lot. It comes and it comes. Anyway, them. I've managed to get a couple of them down. I copied them onto me pad.
Eddie : Let's have a look.
[reading]
Eddie : "We've been saved by English Heritage." What does that mean?
Bubble : Where?
Eddie : It's here, "saved".
Bubble : No, "sued".
Eddie : Well it's only four letters out, I suppose that's alright. Sued, why are being sued, darling?
Bubble : Well, that last fashion shoot you organised. Apparently, someone moved a couple of rocks, or something.
Patsy : Moved a couple of old rocks? My God!
Eddie : Stonehenge, Pats. Anyway...
Patsy : So? They should be glad of the publicity.
Eddie : Exactly, exactly. Send that one to my lawyers. Now...
[reads]
Eddie : "Penny called from L.A.". Penny who?
Bubble : It'll come to me. It's only urgent-ish. She's coming over in a week or two. She wanted to talk to you about a shop, or something.
Eddie : Yeah...
Eddie : She wanted to sell you some things, or something.
Eddie : My shop, remember? I'm opening a shop, Bubble.
Bubble : Ah...
-
Saffie : Well, you can't have anything in common. You can't have Anything to talk about.
Eddie : Ha. She doesn't want somebody to talk to, darling.
Patsy : I've got you to talk to.
Eddie : Exactly. I mean, no one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they? Or what's really sick... , Listen now Patsy, what is really sick, darling, is when a non-bimbo girl goes out with a really old man. That's sick, isn't it, darling.
Patsy : Brrrr.
Saffie : Mum, what is this world you live in? What does "bimbo" and "non-bimbo" mean?
Eddie : The real world, darling.
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Patsy : Eddy, do you remember that time I went out with Ferruzzi?
Eddie : Saffy, this man was fifty five years old, for God's sake.
Patsy : The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder. Did you get it, Ed? Did you get it? The only thing he got up for was to have a slash. Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober.
Saffie : Sober? Chance would be a fine thing.
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Patsy : Don't let her torture you, Eddy. I mean, she ruined your figure in the first place.
Eddie : Exactly!
Patsy : She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see before us.
Justin : Now, now, now, now! That's unfair. I mean, I liked you when you were sort of heavier. You know, you were more umm... umm cuddly.
Eddie : Oh, God! I'm sick!
Patsy : I'm going to throw up.
Justin : I mean, tough, really tough. Really tough.
Patsy : Let's go.
Eddie : We'll go on a public transport, Pats.
Patsy : Are you mad? I've got nothing to wear on public transport.
Eddie : Yes, but sweetie, I will not have my daughter thinking she's so great, because she can use public transport. Anybody can use public transport, darling!
Saffie : I know. That's the point.
Eddie : Come on, Pats. I'll go and get that... map thing I always use. You know, the "A to Street Map" thing-book. Come on!
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Patsy : [about Edina] Poor old fat old thing. Look at her, like a beached whale in designer sheets.
