- Harry Solomon: Aww! Nothing says "I love you" like having sex with a stranger the night before you're supposed to do it with your girlfriend for the very first time on Valentine's Day.
- Dr. Mary Albright: I can't believe this.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: What do you mean?
- Dr. Mary Albright: People don't do this. People don't look at other people's psychological files to get gift ideas!
- Harry Solomon: [watching a pay-per-view] Are those two women naked?
- Tommy Solomon: Yes, they are.
- Harry Solomon: So... What did that guy do to deserve that spanking?
- Sally Solomon: Hey, you guys, why is everything so red on Valentine's Day? I mean, the greeting cards and the candy, even the tire ads.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Well, red represents the blood that was spilled at the massacre.
- Harry Solomon: Massacre?
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Yeah, the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. It's a very big deal here on Earth.
- Alissa Strudwick: Hey, guys!
- Tommy Solomon: Hey, Alissa! How you doin'?
- Sally Solomon: Hey! Uuuuh...
- [Runs to the kitchen]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Will you uh, uh, uh... Oh, look at the time!
- [Runs to his room]
- Tommy Solomon: Harry?
- Harry Solomon: Hm? Oh! I was just trying to stagger my exit for a more natural effect.
- [Gets up to leave]
- Harry Solomon: La la la, la la la la. And I'm out!
- Tommy Solomon: This Valentine's Day is about me and Alissa maximizing the loving and minimizing the virginity.
- Sally Solomon: Yes!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: About time. I've been telling you to do that since you were 14.
- Tommy Solomon: [discussing his upcoming "first time" with girlfriend Alissa] I don't know what to do, man. She's so much more experienced than me. What if I make a fool of myself?
- Harry Solomon: [in a reassuring tone] Oh, don't worry. You will.