Poirot (TV Series)
The Adventure of the Clapham Cook (1989)
David Suchet: Hercule Poirot
Photos
Quotes
-
[last lines]
Hercule Poirot : "Pay to Hercule Poirot the sum of one guinea only. Ernest Todd." It is to me, Hastings, a little reminder never to despise the trivial, hein, but the undignified. A disappearing domestic at one end, a cold-blooded murder at the other.
-
[first lines]
Captain Hastings : Husband put head in gas oven; home life happy.
Hercule Poirot : No.
Captain Hastings : Belgravia and Overseas Bank clerk absconds with fortune.
Hercule Poirot : How much is this fortune?
Captain Hastings : Uh... ninety thousand pounds.
Hercule Poirot : No.
Captain Hastings : That's a king's ransom, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot : When it is used to ransom a king, it becomes interesting to Poirot.
-
Hercule Poirot : [On the train, looking out at the beautiful landscape] Look at it, Hastings. Not a building in sight. Not a restaurant, not a theatre, not an art gallery. A wasteland!
Captain Hastings : I thought you liked the country?
Hercule Poirot : But this is not the country, my friend. The country is full of trees. And flowers! And public houses! This is a desert!
-
Captain Hastings : [On the moor, walking in puddles besides the sheep] Look at that, Poirot! Look at that view!
Hercule Poirot : Yes, views are very nice, Hastings. But they should be painted for us, so that we may study them in the warmth and comfort of our own homes. That is why we pay the artist, for exposing himself to these conditions on our behalf.
Captain Hastings : What do you mean, conditions? It's a wonderful day! Just fill your lungs with that air!
Hercule Poirot : No, my poor friend. This sort of air is intended for birds and little furry things! The lungs of Hercule Poirot demands something more substantial! The good air of the town!
-
Hercule Poirot : Merely because a man does not offer you a drink, Hastings, does not mean that he is necessarily guilty of other crimes.
-
Captain Hastings : [Looking over a rock ledge at a valley spread out in the distance] Wonderful position here, Poirot.
Hercule Poirot : If you are a rock it is wonderful.
-
Hercule Poirot : Ah, that is human nature, Mr. Cameron. But it is comforting for us mere mortals to know that banks too have their difficulties.
-
[Hercule Poirot has read an outrageous letter from the Todds, and is extremely furious]
Hercule Poirot : [shouts] *WHAT?*
[pause]
Hercule Poirot : WHAT? HOW DOES SHE DARE?
[He slams the letter on his desk, much to the concern of Miss. Lemon and Hastings]
Captain Hastings : What is it?
Hercule Poirot : [seething] As a favor... As a great favor, I agreed to investigate this two-penny, HALF-PENNY AFFAIR!
Captain Hastings : What is it, old chap?
Hercule Poirot : [pointing furiously at the letter on his desk] READ IT! Read it!
[Hastings picks up the letter, Miss Lemon looking over his shoulder. Poirot, meanwhile stands a distance from them, still fuming over the contents of the letter]
Captain Hastings : [reading the letter] "Mr. Todd regrets that, after all, his wife will not avail herself of Mr. Poirot's services...
Hercule Poirot : [high-pitched and curt] Ahm!
Captain Hastings : "... After talking the matter over with me, she sees that it is foolish to call in a detective about a purely domestic affair..."
Hercule Poirot : [high-pitched, angry agreement grunt] Yep!
Captain Hastings : "... Mr. Todd encloses one guinea for consultation."
Hercule Poirot : Is this to be believed? huh? Do they think they can get rid of Hercule Poirot like that? HUH?
[shouts]
Hercule Poirot : *NO.*
[rapid fire speech]
Hercule Poirot : No, no, no, no, no... No, no,no, no, no... Thirty six times...
[shouts]
Hercule Poirot : NO! They send me *ONE* guinea, huh? *NO!* I will spend *My OWN* guineas! 3,600 of them, if need be! But *I* will get to the bottom of this matter!
-
Hercule Poirot : I'm sorry madam, but I do not take that particular kind of business. I wish you good day.
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : So that's it, is it? Too proud, eh? Only deal with government secrets and counterfeit jewels? Well, let me tell you, Mr. high and mighty Poirot, a good cook's a good cook. And when you have one, it's as much to you as pearls are to some fine lady.
Hercule Poirot : [after a thoughtful pause, he breaks into a smile] Madam, you are in the right and I am in the wrong. Your remarks are just and intelligent.
[He turns to Hustings]
Hercule Poirot : This case will be a novelty, Hastings. Never before have we hunted the missing domestic. For here is this problem of national importance.
-
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : Did you pay for that bit in the paper saying what a clever detective you were, or did they put it in themselves?
Hercule Poirot : Madam?
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : Well, I'm sorry, I'm sure, but you know what newspapers are like nowadays. Nothing but puff.
-
Hercule Poirot : Let me just say that the case I'm engaged in is of national importance.
Chief Inspector Japp : Well, I'm glad to hear it, Poirot. Someone was trying to tell me you've gone into the missing domestics business. No, no, I said. Not Poirot, I said. Hard times or not, he wouldn't fall that far.
-
Police Constable : Who are you?
Hercule Poirot : I am Hercule Poirot. Who are you?
Police Constable : [Calling over his shoulder] Sarge? There's some French gent at the door.
Hercule Poirot : No no no, I am not some French gent, I am some *Belgian* gent.
Police Sergeant : Well well well, if it isn't Mr Poirot.
Hercule Poirot : It is. Is the lady of the house in?
Police Sergeant : The chief inspector's here.
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : [from the window] Mr Poirot!
Hercule Poirot : Ah! Mrs Todd, good morn...
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : I don't know how you have the impertance to show your face here again.
Hercule Poirot : But Mrs Todd...
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : You were paid off, Mr Poirot, you were paid off handsomely.
Hercule Poirot : Well...
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : And now, look at this, you've got policemen crawling all over the house!
Chief Inspector Japp : You're not too popular in Clapham this morning, Poirot. Bit of a wild goose chase, this. As far as we can ascertain, this Mr Simpson of yours is a perfectly respectable young bank employee, who happens to have gone home to his family. We have the Shropshire Constabulary checking that at the moment.
Hercule Poirot : I only wanted to ask...
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : No!
Hercule Poirot : Well, perhaps you'd be interested to know...
Mrs. Ernestine Todd : No, I wouldn't! Good day, Mr Poirot!
[Shuts the window. Poirot starts to say something]
Chief Inspector Japp : Poirot.
[Shuts the door in Poirot's face]
