Vampire Assassin (2005 Video) User Reviews

Hands Down: THE Worst Film Ever Made

[pedrothelion · 1/10 · 11 October 2005]

In a world full of films -- like "You Got Served" -- that blow your mind with its vast amounts of errors, you'd never figure that there would be worse films... until now. Ron Hall's "Vampire Assassins" does more than cheese you off. It KNOWS that you are mad at it. First: there are no assassins in this movie. In fact, there's only one good guy fighting in the whole movie. Second: The location... is basically one location: some jackass's house (or basement. It's up to you.). Third: The special effects (bluntly stated) can kiss my ass. Fourth: The acting beats "Plan 9 from Outer Space" in the worst-acting-ever category. Ron Hall can't act to save his life. Finally (and definitely not the smallest problem): THE EDITING. The person who edited this film better hope that I never find him. The cuts and shots are HORRENDOUS!!!! Other issues: Lighting (virtually none), the fact that the guy on the cover isn't even in the movie, and the fact that this film exists.

To sum this film up, let us just say that I tortured the DVD copy before taking it back to Hollywood Video (don't worry! I used the MVP membership, so it was free!). NEVER SEE THIS FILM!!!!

S10 Reviews: Vampire Assassins (2005)

[suspiria10 · 3/10 · 26 September 2005]

Ron Hall pulls a triple threat as he writes, directs and stars in 'Vampire Assassins'. Derek Washington (Hall) is your clichéd cop-on-a-mission who finds himself up to his neck in some nasty vampire action. Tossing away his badge he searches for the last vampire slayer (no not Buffy!) to take back the streets and vanquish the bloodsuckers back to the grave.

'Vampire Assassins' is a horrible film. It rips off so many other films (can you say Blade?) that it never even attempts to establish it's own identity. The script is non existent. The action is horrible. Who says a micro-budget stimulates creativity? There is nothing even remotely interesting here. You will get nothing out of this except a headache. Stay away at all costs.

The greatest worstest movie...ever

[bustachong · 1/10 · 29 January 2006]

I've spent a year deployed in Iraq, and amongst the hundreds of movies I've seen here was this little gem called Vampire Assassin. Judging from the cover (African-American with corn-rows with a curved blade, leather coat and the demeanor of a badass), I expected a Blade rip-off. Fair enough.

So I pop it in and observed a borderlined overweight African-American with no blade, no cornrows and, well, nothing at all really except...I don't know. If you've read any of these other reviews, you get the gist of the flick. It sucks. Bad. Really bad.

I don't know if it was the Highlander-esquire lightning after killing an immortal vampire, or the karate-kick sound effects for camera zooms, or the twenty dollar budget on props, or the "ok, we have 90 minutes to film this before we're caught filming in a Johnson & Johnson parking lot," or the martial arts that is as exciting and fast-paced as two old people having sex, or the 7th grade acting talent, or the eccentric Asian Master who's either senial or on acid, or what, but the movie manages to force you to question your existence. And that's awesome.

Not many movies can be so bad that your head will explode like Scanners. If you heckle (or MST3K) with your friends, this is the flick for you. I've seen it three times already, and I think it might've caused permanent damage on my psyche. If you STILL don't have any clue as to the quality of the film, people were trying to give it away for free and no one would take it. Not even by force.

Long story short, watch it. Either as masochistic pleasure or punishment. It will rock your skull (and for the most part, for all the wrong reasons).

Awful

[paccon87 · 1/10 · 14 August 2005]

A dark, yet humorous tale involving a cop who has a first hand experience with vampires and decides he must quit his job to pursue these evil beings.Most of the film contained questionable acting,plot, props, and filming. The fight scenes were as hokey as a middle schooler's rendition of a WWII battle. The lines delivered were spoken as if the actors had no motivation for being there. The props were bad because they did not even look like they could function in the slightest amount. the majority of the film appeared to be shot in someones basement (in some scenes you could see the rafters overhead in a scene that was not supposed to look like that of a basement). The plot had no motivation to move forward or go backwards, it just appeared to stand still at times with no reason for some characters actions. I felt at times the sounds effects were out of place for this horror type genre and more of a cartoon series. It is similar to the movie Blade, in that he is an African American vampire hunter. However, that is where all similarities end, and the movie looks closer to a Saturday Night Live spoof.

this movie is BAD

[bigboithomas84 · 2/10 · 29 August 2005]

i don't really know where to start here.just imagine a movie that is so bad in every way from the acting to the props to the story that it makes you angry. This is one of the worst movies that i have ever seen and that is saying a lot because i have seen some bad ones. when i saw this movie i knew it was a blade knock off, but i thought that hey its got kung fu and vampires, a combination that i thought could not fail. That is until i popped this into my DVD player. How Ron hall managed to mess up something as cool as vampires and martial arts is beyond me. first the acting. i didn't expect to much here to begin with because its an action movie and a B one at that, but the acting here is so bad i couldn't help but be bothered by it. expressions and vocal tones were way out of place, there was absolutely no emotion in almost the entire film and when there was it was so laughable it thought i was watching Mad TV.for example that girly man scream Derek lets out when he has to kill master kao who should have never been born in the first place. all in all I've seen better acting at elementary school plays.then there is the action. not even sub par compared to the things that have been done in action cinema as of late. but still the action was not a total let down as Ron hall does seem to posses some martial arts skills. but even the skill he does have is over shadowed by the stupid things he does, for instance the part of the movie where he starts spinning and then the camera changes. i almost ripped a pillow in half.and the fight scene where his prison buddy fights off vampires by swinging his arms at them. WOW.OR how about the part in the jail where Derek all of a sudden knows magic and can preform chants that make tap water holy water. and as far as the props go. the guns look like walmart toys, the teeth were stolen from Halloween costumes, and words cant describe how bad the CG graphics are. i could go on for hours about all the things wrong with this movie and trust me this is just the tip of the iceberg. its only getting a 2 because it made me laugh. even though i was laughing at how badly the movie was done, a laugh is a laugh. i would say steer clear of vampire assassin unless you want to laugh at a horrible movie or are planning on getting tortured for long periods of time and want to practice

Be prepared for the worst movie EVER.

[bluefunoodle311 · 1/10 · 8 October 2005]

It's 2005, my friends...a time of amazing special effects and an age of technology. So, why can't we see a movie that's a little more thought out than this cheesy low-budget film. I've seen a lot of low-budget movies that rock my socks off, but this one...it's almost as if it's trying to be horrible. Just...don't...watch it. I can look past lack of special effects and computer generated scenes if the acting itself was at least good. I feel like a small child produced this entire movie. There's not even an original plot line. Vampire Assassins, in itself is one big plot hole with an attempt to mock itself. Can someone tell me if, perhaps, this was designed as a comedy movie and I just didn't know it? It makes me wonder, what does the sequel have in store for us who so loved the first installment?

Hilarious

[tmm602 · 1/10 · 9 January 2006]

Do NOT avoid this movie. Simply because it is so bad that it is absolutely hilarious. It possibly is the worst movie I have ever seen but it was so bad that my friends and I were able to laugh at every single moment of this film. At times we actually debated whether it was this bad on purpose but we're pretty sure that it is not. Characters appear out of nowhere as if they have already been established, the scenery changes mid scene to this warehouse constantly, and the Vampire Assassin ends up having around 6 climactic fights with enemies before finally getting to the head vampire. You will also be able to enjoy the one and only face of the Vampire Assassin as he never changes his expression despite his obvious attempts to. So if you want to watch a movie that will make you laugh histerically then I suggest this one as long as you go in with an open mind. Don't expect a good movie, expect the worst... and it will be even worse than that. I seriously want to buy this movie and place it atop my comedy movie selection. Right next to Anchorman.

You can spot the fake teeth, see the set is made from plastic and useless monologue

[kev0r · 1/10 · 22 August 2005]

This movie actually almost made me cry.

For starters the fake teeth. Then you spot a nice plastic or drawn set. To make it even more boring all the action is followed by a bright light flash. Then the talking: sound levels are so different, sometimes too hard, then too soft, never exactly good like in good movies. Also, it echoes so much that i think they had one microphone on the entire set. And to make matters worse, EVER heard of stereo? If the camera switches, the sound always stays centered. The actors talk like they are reading from a board staged behind the camera. And the zooming into another scene, how terrible childish.

The music is so badly chosen that it never adds something. It only destroys any accidentally created excitement.

To finish it up, the fighting scenes... my 3 year old niece would make a better fighting scene.

This movie is not even good for a laugh, it's just that bad...

Worst movie ever made!!!!.......EVER!!!!!!!!

[MoonGlorious · 1/10 · 4 January 2006]

I rented this movie expecting it to suck, and it didn't let me down. I rented it with some friends as a joke. But, what we got was worse than anyone could ever imagine.

It starts off sucking before you even take it out of the box. It looks like a Blade rip-off and the guy on the cover is nowhere to be found in the movie. Its called vampire Assassin, but isn't an assassin someone who kills for hire? Well this guy kills the of his own volition, so that doesn't make him an assassin.

Then, when you actually put the disk in it gets worst. First off the menu animation is lame. But, when you actually start the movie every thing from the set design to the lighting (or lack thereof) is terrible. You know a movie is bad when the credits even suck. The acting is Laughable. The action is childish. The writing is elementary. And the directing is the worst>

After all these years this movie still hunts me.

[thetreeofgifts · 1/10 · 17 November 2012]

This is one of the worst movies, I've ever seen in my life. To say this was made in the 2000's the graphics look as if it came from the 80's or 70's. The fangs were terrible. the gun shots look as if it was done by the Nintendo 1. Just terrible.The acting is horrible. It looked like it was done by freshman high school kids, who were just getting into photoshop. Stay away! I've warned you. If still would like to watch this movie do it to make yourself laugh. This is not a comedy, but you just can't take it serious. I could not believe that Liongate would even put their name on this. It's just terrible. You can watch a clip on youtube.

A great B movie for "date" night!

[jlanders-94875 · 9/10 · 2 July 2021]

It's not a, "Low Budget" film, It's a, NO BUDGET film!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Looking for the right kind of "MAKE-OUT" B movie?

This movie not only sets the mood, it also gives you no reason to watch the movie!

As you make out to another great B movie worth remembering that special moment, you will also find this movie brings many moments of breath in between; Laghter without having to watch a thing...😈💕

As scenes pop-up, you'll both stop to laugh your "arses" off, and allowing you both to breath, for a moment in between, before you take it to the next level!!! Because you want..

To see it to the end-kind of B movie.

This is your perfect date movie!!!

I recommend this weekend to share it with that special... "one"!

🤣❤🤣❤🤣❤🤣❤

Watch it now on Amazon Prime Video.

Worst movie ever? YES!!! But......

[firegod3 · 7 November 2008]

Yes this is the worst movie ever made. The acting, writing and directing are laughable at best. The fight scenes are the best. When the "actor" ducks a punch 10 seconds before it is delivered is priceless. Lots of boxes being stored inside the police station for some reason. Who is the guy on the cover?? Some of the supporting cast (the warehouse thugs at the beginning) look like wine-o's from the alley from behind the warehouse. The special effects are top notch as well. Forget a story line. It is like a bad porno-no plot and really lame music. ........BUT........ This movie is very well worth the price in the bargain bin **IF** you watch it with the subtitles on. Watch it first then turn on the subtitles. This is a great party movie. Everyone in the room will be reading the subs out loud and soon will be doing their own voice overs. You will want to show it to all your friends. Please, for the love of God, do not pay more than $5 for this one.

If you want vampire action, i know where to get it--this movie is where to get it (vampire action)

[chrismulkeyisgod · 7/10 · 20 December 2006]

My popular friends told me to watch this movie so I went to Hollywood Video and rented it with my Social Security Check. Medicare.

Wesley Snipes was really good in this movie--he displayed a lot of emotion and I enjoyed his moustache (my neighbors probably though I enjoyed it a little too much after I burned their yard with fire?). But I digress.

I am a big vampire and zombie fan. This movie had vampire zombies and they were good at dancing. If I could figure out how to get my legs to work again, I would certainly like to dance (did you guys see that knife?!).

I hear there are 2 more of these movies but I don't think Hollywood Video carries them at the moment. I would really like to know how Wesley Snipes lives out the rest of his life, and if he will ever see his father in the production room again. I identified with almost every major and non-major character in this film. Especially that part when the old ninja master was at the computer--that is like my own life incarnate.

I just just...never mind.

Chris Mulkey may have seen this movie?? For that reason alone, I give this movie 8 stars out of 10. Thanks Medicare.

Horrible movie

[teper129 · 1/10 · 17 December 2005]

This movie was pathetically awful. The sound was terrible, the action was ridiculous and the effects were nauseating. If you have a life don't see this movie, cause you will want to kill yourself. This movie totally rips off Blade (which is undoubtedly a really good movie...or trilogy I should say).

I don't care who the actors are, this movie is just horrible. I watched 10 minutes of it and had to come to my computer and comment on how absolutely just bad this movie is. I actually don't know why my family is still watching it...oh wait, yes I do. They are laughing almost non-stop at the stupid action, dialogue and acting.

Waste!!!!

[jeff-1355 · 1/10 · 6 March 2006]

I hope the people who made this movies read these comments. The choreography was horrid, the plot was nill, and the actors where so low budget power rangers appears 5 star to this junk.

The fight scenes where so slow you could actually see the actors waiting for each other to perform the next move. Camera cut-aways and poor lighting could not cover up the cheap effects. The lightning was just plain stupid. The weapons looked like something out of a final fantasy game, and the dual bow and arrow was just dull as anything I have ever seen.

Next movie you decide to make try investing in some wireless mics, better script and try actually spending some time on your stunts.

Honestly there are shows on t.v. that play ever night and are thrown together in a few hours that look better than this one.

Stick to martial arts (unless its as poor as your acting) then take up quilting.

Sometimes low budget is good

[larrysgarbage-1 · 2/10 · 7 September 2005]

As I said, sometimes low budget is good. You get to see a good movie without a lot of the extra BS that can hide an otherwise piece of crap. Well...this was that piece of crap. If anything, I thought it had humor, unfortunately the humor was unintentional. The only half-witted acting came from Bill Smith and his part was cut out (that's a joke). There was never a Bill Smith, nor was there anyone cast who could act. Even Gerald Okamura sucked, and he's been cast in nearly 40 movies. The fight scenes were comical and made me feel like I could kick all their $%#@#$. The sound was horrible, as if all sound was recorded on the set. My 10 year old could have written a better script...BTW, my 10 year old fell asleep...no kidding. I give a B+ to editing for cutting the movie to only 90 minutes...60 minutes would have been an A+.

Ya, it sucks, but it sure is fun!

[nglennh · 1/10 · 7 March 2006]

So, this is the WORST movie you will probably ever see. It's up there with "Crossbones" and "Southern Comfort", but if your a bad movie fan like I am, this atrocity of a film will be the most fun you've had in years. WHY does the camera make old-school kung fu noises when it zooms? WHY does that random guy stuff a nascar commemorative plate in his bag? And who is he anyway? WHY do the vampires shoot lightning after they die? What is this? Highlander? Dracula McCloud? Who cares! Just laugh at it. This movie has no continuity, no plot, no anything, really. Ron Hall's range of emotions are always off. He looks happy when he should be sad, angry when he should be confused. The rest of the cast couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. The special ("Short bus" kinda special) effects are randomly placed, and never needed. Most scenes are lit with a desk lamp, if they are lit at all. Mel Novak has the AUDACITY to look off-camera for his line, and it's not even edited out. They just keep on filming. In fact, half of this movie isn't even on film at all. It's 1/2 film, 1/2 sony hand-cam. For most of the film it seems that they left their boom mike at home. This movie doesn't just have a few plot holes, it's a mine field of confusion and mental pain! But OH do I love it! Thank you Ron Hall, for this cinematic abomination. I went out and bought it, cause it's just so damn funny. ($1.99 on Amazon, and I had it rush delivered!)

"I have weapons! I have weapons! I have WEAPONS!"

Words cannot fully describe how bad it really is......

[Drexl81 · 1/10 · 8 April 2006]

A friend of mine showed me this film yesterday, and I was really amazed that someone could make a movie this terrible!

Mix the most awful, clichéd dialog, with the most wooden acting you've ever seen, with the cheesiest special effects know to man, and you get this magnificent beast!

'Vampire Assassins' is funnier than most comedies I've seen, it really is awful!

I was in stitches during the scene where the ex cop/vampire assassin character is having coffee with the internet journalist. Just watch it and you'll see what I mean!

I honestly can't believe that someone made this with serious intentions.

Tragic, but a really good laugh. It has to be seen to be believed.

Utterly pointless and completely stupefying

[GurnBlanston · 1/10 · 5 September 2008]

Incredibly, "Vampire Assassin" is significantly worse than such atrocities as "Tequila Body Shots" and "Zombie Nation" - and those movies are TERRIBLE. Writer/director/star Ron Hall is devoid of both charisma and acting ability, and is also clearly incapable of the most basic directorial concepts. Possibly the worst camera-work, editing, lighting, sound, visual effects, music and fight choreography I have ever seen in a movie. Rarely do two shots cut together, nor can you see much in the beyond-dim lighting. The terrible dialogue is spoken extremely slowly by a supremely untalented cast, stretching the movie to a near-deadly 87 minutes. This is a truly laughable embarrassment for everyone involved. Obviously, aficionados of terrible film-making will want to see this, but it's very hard to sit through no matter how experienced a bad-movie viewer you are. The fact that Ron Hall thought this was actually releasable is astounding. If you are a movie director, and you actually think it's OK for the opening credits of your movie to include a few frames of the words SLUG before the title appears, left over from your rough edit - and you apparently can't muster the energy to edit those frames out - then your standards are obviously so low as to be insulting. I am astounded that Lions Gate/Maple agreed to release this movie on DVD. In spite of Rudy Ray Moore's very brief cameo, this movie is a work of supreme self-indulgence on Ron Hall's part - he clearly thinks he is a formidable actor, and must also believe he possesses superior writing and directing skills - but the movie is so unbelievably inept that it's hard to believe he'd actually want people to see it for fear of being brutally excoriated like I'm doing right now. A jaw-dropping, insanely terrible movie. I'm not kidding.

Oh God... I am *so* sorry!

[limousinedriver · 1/10 · 13 September 2006]

If you came here, it's because you've already seen this film and were curious what others had to say about it.

I feel for you, I *really* do. And I profusely apologize as a Canadian (because that's what we do) that this film ever had to cross your eyes, if only for a moment. I hear there is no cure for the retinal bleeding reported out of every dozen cases.

I, like everyone else, rented this movie believing it to be some stupid B-movie ripoff of Blade. I thought, "sure I could use a good laugh at a stupid movie." I'll give the creators of this film ONE positive comment about their 'creation': Thanks for removing the REC XX/XX/XX from the bottom right-hand corner of the screen. I can see how that would have been a distraction from seeing this movie.

And for the record, I *saw* the movie, but did not watch it. The dialogue was incoherent and most of the scenes took place in my grandmother's trailer, I swear to God.

You know what? I'm not writing anymore about this. It's just too painful.

This is a pretty bad movie

[wingedcobra · 1/10 · 29 August 2005]

OK, normally I am fascinated by Z movies. Some of the actors, directors, writers, etc. in those movies have a shred of talent. They want to get that talent out so unfortunately for them, they have to associate with crappy people to make their films. But some Z films do have at least one thing that may be noteworthy about them.

Not here.

As soon as I saw it I thought...'Wow, a Blade knock-off.' Believe me, if this movie could have lived up to that label that would have made it a better movie.

Instead I was subjected to some of the most horrible acting I have ever seen in my life. Master Kao was bad, so bad that I believe some of my neurons in my brain exploded trying to comprehend his acting. I am still trying to make sense of his enunciation and why he would raise his voice in speaking certain words...to add dramatic effect I'm sure...but it was for no apparent reason. Simply mind boggling.

Oh and then there is the black guy in the purple cape near the end of the movie. Purple cape guy fights the hero for about 30 seconds, but he is so bad that it actually looked like he was scared of fighting.

The main hero and the main villain did decent jobs. The main hero (Derek Washington) seemed like he actually knew martial arts.

A life changing experience from beginning to end.

[Obviously_Amerikahn · 10/10 · 2 July 2007]

Vampire Assassin is a long and tough movie to watch. But it pays dividends, thanks to the genius of the late Ron Hall.

We're all pretty familiar with the story - a German businessman enlists Jews to work in his factory. At first, I believe, as an opportunist, for the Jews are cheap, readily available labor. He does, however, become gradually aware that his factory means the difference between life and death.

And so his 'list' is born. A list of Jews that he requires to 'work' for him. It is, in reality, a list of life and Schindler knows it.

Liam Neeson fills Schindler's boots well. You soon forget he is Neeson at all. Ben Kingsley is, of course, his ever-reliable brilliant self. And Ralph Fiennes easily creates one of the screens most hateful villains (sadly, a villain who actually existed).

There are some tough scenes (most notably, the liquidation of the ghetto, Goeth's (Fiennes) brutality in the camp) and it's all filmed in beautiful black & white - except for the highlighted girl in the red dress, which has a brilliant symbolic meaning later in the film.

A terrible chapter in humanity's history but one told so well by Spielberg and co.

It has a powerful and lasting effect - just as it should.

Worst movie in history of movie making

[Lexi_Morgan · 1/10 · 12 January 2006]

This movie has got to go down in the history of bad movies as the worst one I've ever seen. It wasn't even a bad b movie...I would have rated it at as a z. The special effects were ridiculous...err if you could even call them special effects. I think the reviewer before hit the nail on the head...it was the box that sold the movie, while the cover art was great and the synopsis intriguing (which both is why I rented it) it was a waste of not only time but money as well. I didn't last long. I took it back to the store and switched it out for another movie I believe my local video store took it off the shelf because they had SOOOO many complaints about this horrible movie. My 6 year old could have done a better job filming it/writing the script!

Ahh, memories...

[Droid_Gunner · 5/10 · 21 January 2015]

I first discovered this movie when I was working in a video store right after high school. I saw the cheesy cover, the Lions Gate logo, and thought, "How bad could it be?"

It was baaaaaaaaaad.

Ron Hall seems like he does have some martial arts chops, but acting and directing are definitely not his forte. Once the credits started rolling, I immediately recognized the production company as the same guys who made 'Future War' and a ton of Gary Daniels' early flicks. None of which were particularly good, but all entertaining in that low-budget sorta way.

Back in '05, it seemed Lions Gate was buying up nearly every low-budget independent film, slapping a decent-looking cover on a DVD, and hurling them into video stores every single week. I wound up renting most of them (hey, it was free) and 'Vampire Assassin' is one of the few that stuck with me. So much so that a couple months back the film popped into my head and I had to track down a copy on eBay. (Shipping cost more than the disc.) Either way, the film is clearly shot on mini-DV, so it has that mid-2000s digital video look. The special effects are terrible. The fights are painfully staged. Occasionally they speed up the frame-rate of the fights, causing it to look like a drug-enduced Benny Hill skit.

I remember laughing hysterically when I first rented it. Now, nearly ten years later, I laughed just as hard. And, if nothing else, whether you're laughing with or at it, the film succeeds in being entertaining. And for that, it's worth seeing.

Whoever got this film distributed is a master producer.

[Chris-624 · 1/10 · 12 November 2005]

I wasn't able to last ten minutes on the this terrible film. In and age of DV cameras, it looks to have been shot on VHS without aid of any color correction or microphone.

As a filmmaker myself, I know the constraints of indy film-making and, even keeping those things in mind, I'm amazed films can be made this poorly.

The only praise I can offer is that this film got distribution as I've seen considerably better films still seeking modest domestic or international release. I'm guessing the box is what sold it...it does have good box art, but it all goes downhill from there.

Side note: It seems the director has 11 friends since no one on the this planet would give this film a "10".