Comedy Central Presents (TV Series)

Kevin Meaney (1999)

Kevin Meaney: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kevin Meaney : I just got married recently, so that's, that's very exciting.

  [audience applauds] 

  Kevin Meaney : Thank you very much. We had a beautiful wedding. Y'know, you can't throw rice at a wedding anymore. "Don't be throwin' the rice! Throwin' the rice, the birds will eat it and explode! Then you'll be happy, won't you, with dead birds all over the place?" So we didn't throw rice, we actually threw Uncle Ben. "Don't be throwin' Uncle Ben! Al Sharpton will be protesting in front of the house! Throwin' that man, that's not right!"

• Kevin Meaney : Has anybody tried the phone sex here?

  [no audience response] 

  Kevin Meaney : Okay, just me, very good. Just me and Clinton are the only ones that have ever had the phone sex. Nobody's ever tried phone sex? I guess those commercials on TV late at night are just for ME. "Kevin, are you watching TV? Aaaah! Call me, let's have sex on the phone!" Does anybody notice I'm using the old style comedian phone for this routine? Very difficult having phone sex with the Andy Griffith phone. "Hey, are you touchin' yourself?" "I can't! I'm on the Andy Griffith phone! Hold on, let me rub up against something!" I tried phone sex once, I did. I'll be honest with you. Uh, I got my penis stuck in the 9. "Getting your penis stuck in the 9? That's not right! Don't you realize other people in this house have to use that phone?" My Aunt Rose found out: "Oh my God, I can't believe it, Kevin got his penis stuck in the 9. They had to call the fire department to get it out! There he was in the upstairs hallway, dialin' 911! All the neighbors were on the front law, roarin' laughin', I told Pat she should've gotten a push button a long time ago. These kids, they put it anywhere!"

• Kevin Meaney : If I was going up today, my parents would think I was on crack. They would, because when I was growin' up, they always thought I was on the pot. "You're on the pot, aren't you? You're on that pot! Upstairs in the room on the pot with the wet towel under the door, and the Jimi Hendrix posters upside down everywhere! Who is the Black Magic Woman? Koo koo kachoo WHO?"

• Kevin Meaney : We were never allowed in the house in the summertime when I was a kid. I'd come home, get off my bike, "Mom, mom, I'm home!" "Get out, get out of the God damn house! Walkin' around the house, markin' up the woodwork! Why don't you go out and do something? Why don't you go out in the backyard and dig a hole? Why don't you dig to China?" Did you ever do that when you were a kid? Dig to China? I always wondered if kids in China were digging to America. "Oh yah, let's dig to America! Ha ha!" I'm six years old, I'm in the backyard, diggin' away, my dad would come out: "What are you doing down there, Kevin?" "I'm digging to China." "All right, get home for supper." Never told me it was impossible. Never learned mind until I was twelve, when I burned my hands on the core of the Earth.

  [screams] 

  Kevin Meaney : Chinese kid:

  [screams while holding his arms above his head] 

• Kevin Meaney : You know why they call them "blind dates"? Because when you see the girl, you wanna jab something sharp into your eyeballs.

• Kevin Meaney : Anything you could lose the house when I was growing up. You know, you're a teenager, nineteen, twenty, "Mom, can I borrow the car?" "You're not takin' that car out tonight. Takin' the car out at NIGHT! You're gonna smash into somebody, they're gonna sue us, and we're gonna lose the house!" "Well, those were my plans exactly tonight, mother, yes."

• Kevin Meaney : [to an audience member]  Do you know what the word "booty man" is? Have you ever heard that? "Booty man", or a "booty woman"? No? How about a "gamaho"? Did you ever hear about a "gamaho"? Of course not! These were the words I grew up with when I was a kid! "You're a booty man! Your brother's no better; he's a gamaho!" These are the words that I grew up with! My grandparents, I guess, gave my parents those words, and their parents had brought them over from Ireland, and they were all crazy!

• Kevin Meaney : [as Kevin's mother]  "Don't be telling people we're from outer space! What if we WERE from outer space? You'd blow your God damn cover! Now get the puss of your face!" You ever hear that one? "Get the puss off"? "You're not walkin' around this house with the big puss on!" I had no idea what my mother was talkin' about! I'd be on my way to school- "You're not going to school with THAT puss on your face!" I'd go to school, I'd ask my teacher, "Sister Damian, do I have a big puss on my face?" "Get to the principal's office!" "But my mother said I had a puss on my face! WHERE'S THE PUSS? I WANNA KNOW WHERE IT IS!" "Talkin' about the puss! Do you have to repeat everything you God damn hear at school? You're like a booty man!"

• Kevin Meaney : When I went to grammar school, we had the A-bomb drills. The atomic bomb drills. We had to practice what to do in the case the communists dropped the bomb on us. Like that'd be the first place they'd bomb. A Catholic grade school. Our Lady of Mount Carmel, ground zero. I got sent home from school once because I didn't put my head between my legs. Because if you HAD your head between your legs, ladies and gentlemen, you'd be safe from radiations! There were certain vapors you could breathe...

  [chuckles] 

  Kevin Meaney : Sister Mary Hulk Hogan would drag me by my ear to the principal's office, send me home with a note, my mother would say, "Look at this note, look at it, take a God damn good look at it! It says here you didn't put your head between your legs during the atomic bomb drills. What is WRONG with you? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and the shepherds, that's not right! What if President Kennedy finds out about this? He'll think the school has been infiltrated by communists, then the monsignor will be blacklisted and the Pope will excommunicate us!

  [nods] 

  Kevin Meaney : You get down to that fallout shelter right now and show that note to your father. He's putting canned foods away in sundries, in case the communists decide to bomb the God damn house! Your brothers are upstairs now with their heads between their legs! Your sister is CONSTANTLY putting her head between her legs!" My Aunt Rose would say, "I can't believe it! That Kathy has always got her head between her legs! She could join the circus with an act like that! She's got her head between her legs and a big old puss on her face!"

• Kevin Meaney : [as Kevin's mother]  "Bein' in the hallway, naked, that's not right! You get into that bedroom right now and do six Hail Marys for bein' nude in the hallway!" Six Hail Marys for bein' nude! I'd be in the bedroom doin' Hail Marys:

  [kneeling] 

  Kevin Meaney : "Hail Mary, full of grace...

  [cracks up] 

  Kevin Meaney : " My brother would be screaming: "Mom, Kevin's in the bedroom doin' Hail Marys in his underwear!" "You put some PANTS on when you're doin' Hail Marys! And not those tight pants, you put your big pants on! Goin' around with tight pants on, that's not right! You get upstairs right now and put the big pants on!"