Beer League (2006)

Ralph Macchio: Maz

Quotes 

• Gina : Okay, you know what? I'm not being a bitch here. You're missing Marie's recital tonight, and I said we could wait 'til after the softball season to go on our honeymoon. I even let you pick your scumbag friend Artie as best man!

  Maz : Sweetheart, listen, huh? It's the first game of the season. I just don't wanna be late, alright? I'm with you on the cakes, I'll look at 'em later.

  Gina : You know, I was gonna surprise you by making your little plastic man on the cake a Derek Jeter action figure. But now? No. I'm making you one of those Puerto Ricans from the fucking Mets!

  Maz : Don't even joke like that, Gina!

• Maz : I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

  Johnny Trinno : Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.

  Artie DeVanzo : You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.

  Maz : Alright, here it comes.

  Johnny Trinno : You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.

  Artie DeVanzo : You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.

  Rhonda : Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

  Maz : Thank you.

  Rhonda : Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.

  Maz : That's right.

  Rhonda : Do you want a side order of cock with that?

• Maz : If you're gonna ask her, you gotta be prepared to answer the question yourself. So, what's your number?

  Artie DeVanzo : Let's see. I used to be better at keeping track of this. Uh, seventy-three.

  Maz : Not counting whores.

  Artie DeVanzo : Six.

  [Both pause] 

  Artie DeVanzo : You're right, I'll drop the whole thing.

• Alfonse : Check it out, my new italiano mit.

  Maz : That's cool, Alfonse.

  Johnny Trinno : How much of a guido could you possibly be?

• Maz : [responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding]  He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.

  Artie DeVanzo : Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.

  Johnny Trinno : Oh my God you fat fuckin' liar.

• Maz : Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!

  Artie DeVanzo : [punches glove]  Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.

• Dirt : Hey, good effort. Way to go, way to go.

  Maz : Damn.

  Dirt : You assholes know I'm being sarcastic, right?