In Search of Santa (2004 Video)

Garry Chalk: Derridommis, Capn' Cragg

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Quotes 

• [the Terribly Deep Thinkers, in their own cave in Royal Rookery Rock, is talking through Santa's Magic Looking Glass in his city in the North Pole] 

  Agonysia : They sign the declaration tomorrow.

  Derridommis : Then we'll be heirs to the throne.

  Mortmottimes : [Cackles]  We outwitted them all.

  Derridommis : Thanks to our superior intellect.

  Agonysia : Nothing can stop us now, distinguished colleagues. Nothing!

  [They laugh at each other] 

  Princess Crystal : [Cut to Crystal and Lucinda in Santa's castle in his city]  We must go home and stop them.

  Princess Lucinda : Agreed.

• Eugene : [Grabs the compass that he gave to Crystal, almost a year ago, from Pup's mouth]  This is a message from Princess Crystal. She's alive!

  [the crowd, including The Terribly Deep Thinkers, King Calvin & Queen Penelope, and the Gaurds, gasp] 

  Eugene : I gave this to her.

  Agonysia : And it's probably all that's left of her after this savage seal gobbled her.

  Eugene : I'm no marine biologist, but this seal is just a pup.

  [Pup turns his around] 

  Mortmottimes : Your Majesties, we-we - we must keep clesr heads in this time of great grief.

  Derridommis : As much as we might wish to believe Princess Crystal and Lucinda are still alive, we must be brave and carry on.

  Agonysia : [Holds up the "Lost in Sea" document, in which it has one more signature left for Queen Penelope]  Her Majesty must finish her signature.

  Eugene : No! Crystal's here!

  [Pups starts barking and heading toward to the cave, where Princess Crystal is] 

  Eugene : And the seal knows where.

  [Pup is still barking as he leaves] 

  Queen Penelope : Follow the seal.

  [Every penguin in Royal Rookery Rock starts to follow Pup] 

• [Nighttime on Christmas Eve. The banished Terribly Deep Thinkers stands on a glacier] 

  Agonysia : Banished.

  Mortmottimes : Oh, well.

  Derridommis : Nothing lasts forever.

  Mortmottimes : Except forever. Philosophically speaking.

• Agonysia : Princess Crystal, you failed to prove that Santa Claus is real.

  [Crystal silently gasps] 

  Agonysia : Therefore, by default, he is unreal. Thereby and consequently and herein, ergo, we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers, rule that Santa Claus is A HUMAN LIE.

  [the penguin crowd, as spectators, gasps and chatters as Crystal gasps again] 

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [together]  Guilty as charged!

  [Agonysia bangs the mallet. Crystal is shocked by the Deep Thinkers' guiltage. Queen Penelope feels sad, so does King Calvin] 

  Agonysia : [Princess Lucinda sinkers]  The court appoints Princess Lucinda the new future queen.

  [the spectators is chattering, as Lucinda's maids come and cheers directly at her. Crystal and Eugene is disappointed with Lucinda's "future queen"] 

• Princess Lucinda : Where is Crystal? Headed for the North Pole.

  Agonysia : Headed for the North Pole.

  Derridommis : Imagine that.

  Princess Lucinda : But... she can't even swim.

  Mortmottimes : I'd be more worried about those nasty leopard seals.

  Derridommis : And hungry killer whales.

  Princess Lucinda : No. I won't let it end like this.

  [Lucinda leaves the Terribly Deep Thinkers' cave. They cackles] 

  Agonysia : [Offscreen]  Good-bye.

  [Agonysia knocks Lucinda's black chess piece on their chessboard] 

• Princess Crystal : [Excited]  There is a Santa Claus. I know it in my heart.

  Derridommis : Your heart? Rubbish!

  Agonysia : Prove he exsist.

  Princess Crystal : Prove he doesn't.

  Mortmottimes : He doesn't want that away. Does it?

  Derridommis : We are not on trial.

• Capn' Cragg : [Offscreen]  Nice?

  [Camera pans to reveal Capn' Cragg, in which the thunder effect reveals his skeleton. Crystal, Lucy and Pup is whimpering] 

  Capn' Cragg : Nice? Who dare call the nefarious Capn' Cragg nice?

  Princess Crystal : Uh, I meant no offense.

  Capn' Cragg : [Walks down the stairs]  Arr!

  [Cragg draws out the sword, that shocked Crystal, Lucy and Pup] 

  Capn' Cragg : Who's the most fearsome swashbuckler to ever buckle a swash?

  Bubkus Bill : You are, Capn'.

  Capn' Cragg : Who puts the "-irate" in "pirate"?

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, I'll guess, uh, you?

• Derridommis : Has Princess Crystal hired a fool for her attorney?

  [Derridommis soft chuckles] 

  Eugene : As your attorney, I advise you to disregard the question and all its various implications.

  Princess Crystal : [to Eugene]  Do you know what you're doing?

  Eugene : [Whispering to Crystal]  No idea.

  [Eugene clears the throat and soft chuckles while he looking for "The Book of Santa Claus"] 

  Eugene : Your Honors, I shall prove to the court that the first two charges are completely circumstantial, and the thrid utterly preposterous. Princess Crystal could not lied about Santa Claus because Santa Claus is... nonfiction!

• Capn' Cragg : [Selects the book from his bookshelf in his quarters and reads "The Book of Santa Claus"]  Okay, now, uh, let's have a look here. Now what do we have- Ooh! Magic flying dust, eh? Hmm. See-all looking glass. Huh! Oh. Only visible to the pure of heart?

  [Cragg starts laughing; Later he made a announcement in the cabin] 

  Capn' Cragg : [to Crystal & Lucy via door]  The nefarious Capn' Cragg has decided to grant your request.

• Bubkus Bill : Why the North Pole, Capn'? Have we gone soft?

  Capn' Cragg : [to Bill]  Why, no, lad. The nefarious Capn' Cragg be schemin' a scheme that'll make us all filthy rich.

  [Cragg gives a soft sigh] 

  Timebomb Tom : Oh, well we're opening a fast-food franchise is seafood restaurants with a pirate theme?

  Capn' Cragg : [to Tom]  Uh, no, we're not. It's even better than that, Tom.

• Bubkus Bill : [the Blubber Belly is approaching the North Pole]  Land ho! Land ho!

  Capn' Cragg : Anchors aweigh!

  [Timebomb Tom drops the vault into the water] 

  Capn' Cragg : Arr! There she is, me hearties! The North Pole.

• King Calvin : Hmm. What's on your great minds today, Deep Thinkers?

  Derridommis : Oh, nothing less than the future of the colony, Your Highnesses.

• Princess Crystal : Whay do you want?

  Princess Lucinda : They're come to stop us.

  Derridommis : Ooh, on the contrary. We've come to congratulate you.

  Princess Lucinda : I'm so sure.

  Agonysia : We misjudged you both.

  Princess Lucinda : You mean you underestimated us.

  Princess Crystal : Santa does exist, and we have proof.

  Agonysia : We couldn't be happier.

  Derridommis : Princess Crystal, you not only faced your worst fears, but you and Princess Lucinda have gone where no penguin have gone before.

  Mortmottimes : And, in the process, it appears you've become best friends.

  Derridommis : This delights us.

  Princess Crystal : Oh. Perhaps I misjudged you too.

  Princess Lucinda : [to Crystal]  Don't fall for their pack of lies. This is a trick!

  Princess Lucinda : [to Lucy]  If this were a trick, why would we invite the entire colony to the Cave of Profundity to celebrate your triumphant return?

• Agonysia : [offscreen]  Your Majesties, we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers,

  Agonysia : feel your pain.

  Derridommis : Unpleasant circumstances aside, the colony...

  Derridommis : [offscreeen]  ... requires a new sucessor.

  Mortmottimes : [Rolls out document]  This document legally declares your daughters... lost at sea.

  Agonysia : And we, the new heirs to the throne.

  Derridommis : A secure future makes a pleasant present.

  Mortmottimes : [Cackles]  Sign on the dotted line.

  [Agonysia takes a feather out of Mortmottimes to use as a quail. As she presents it to Queen Penelope, Penelope sobs at the missing Princesses. During the process, Phillip watches aside from them] 

  King Calvin : No! They're still out there... somewhere. I can feel it in my heart.

  Agonysia : Mmm, take another week to mourn.

  Mortmottimes : We'll be back.

• Capn' Cragg : I hopes ye find what you're lookin' for.

  Timebomb Tom : Yeah. And don't worry. 'Cause we got no plans to secretly follow you.

  [Bubkus Bill slaps Tom] 

  Timebomb Tom : Ow! Hey!

• Agonysia : It breaks our hearts too, Your Majesty, but the facts speak for themselves. Derridommis?

  Derridommis : Fact: Princess Crystal is hardly the proper penguin princess.

  Mortmottimes : She consorts with a common fool.

  Derridommis : She doesn't swim with the flock.

  Mortmottimes : She can't swim at all.

  Agonysia : She waddles alone.

  Mortmottimes : She agitates the children with subversive stories.

  Derridommis : She's a rebel.

  Queen Penelope : But these are only opinions disguised as facts.

  [Agonysia gasps] 

  Queen Penelope : Don't you see? All you've done is prove that Crystal waddles to the best of her own drummer, just like her father. Is that against penguin law?

  King Calvin : [Chuckles]  I hope not, or I'd rotting away in the dungeon, wouldn't I?

  Agonysia : Perhaps maternal instincts have impaired Her Majesty's objectivity.

  Queen Penelope : Crystal is future queen, Lady Agonysia, and that is that.

• Santa Claus : May I help you?

  Capn' Cragg : Hand over your treasure, Claus, or we blow your whole city to smithereens.

  Timebomb Tom : Ka-boom!

  Santa Claus : Oh, very well.

  [Santa snaps his fingers. The elves carry the treasure chests of gold, silver and multicolored] 

  Santa Claus : Will that suffice?

  Capn' Cragg : Hold your sea horses! What about the magic flying dust and the hocus-pocus see-all lookin' glass?

  Santa Claus : Oh, there's powerful magic in those things.

  Capn' Cragg : Just hand 'em over!

  Santa Claus : As you wish.

  [the elves carry the magic flying dust and the magic looking glasss to the pirates] 

  Capn' Cragg : Now helps Cragg carry the booty back to me ship.

  Santa Claus : [Chuckling]  Carry? Magic flying dust has an amusing effect on the laws of gravity.

  [Santa's flying dust makes the pirates' trasure floating] 

• Capn' Cragg : [to Tom]  Blast away, Tommy boy!

  Princess Lucinda : [Crowd gasps in the background]  But you said you wouldn't

  Capn' Cragg : I lied.

  Capn' Cragg : [to Tom]  Do it, Tom!

  Princess Crystal : [Crowd gasps in the background; Running]  No-oooo!

  [Crystal leaps toward Tom and knocks him out] 

• Bubkus Bill : Eh! It's no use, Capn' We're stuck.

  Capn' Cragg : Oh! Get the magic flyin' dust.

  [Bill gets the cart with a huge dust bag, but when Cragg opens the bag, it turns to be sawdust] 

  Capn' Cragg : Sawdust?

  Bubkus Bill : Perhaps the magic looking glass will show us the way out.

  [the Pirates stare at the glass, in which it breaks out] 

  Capn' Cragg : [Yelps]  Yar-arrr?

  Timebomb Tom : That can't be too lucky.

  [the Pirates open their treasure chests, which turned to coal] 

  Capn' Cragg : Uh!

  Bubkus Bill : Capn' the treasures turned to coal.

  Capn' Cragg : [Grunts]  Yo-llll.

  Timebomb Tom : Barbecue, anyone?

• [the Pirates' ship free from the ice and sails into the nightsky, on the way back to Royal Rookery Rock] 

  Capn' Cragg : All wings on deck! Set course for the South Pole!

• Capn' Cragg : Me hearties, may the wind always blow in your sails.

• Bubkus Bill : [Reads message]  "Every good deed bring its own reward."

  Capn' Cragg , Timebomb Tom : [Reads message]  "Your friend, Santy Claus."

• [In the court, inside the palace] 

  Agonysia : Aiding and abetting the forbidden simulation of flight, trifling with human things, and corrupting penguin youth with human lies.

  Princess Crystal : Santa Claus isn't a lie.

  Agonysia : Blasphemy!

  Derridommis : Sacrilege!

  Mortmottimes : Heresy!

  Agonysia : How does the defendment plead?

• [as the Terribly Deep Thinkers heading back into the cave, Princess Lucinda runs in from behind the snow-peaked rock] 

  Princess Lucinda : Deep Thinkers, wait!

  [They turn towards Lucy] 

  Princess Lucinda : I wish to help the cause.

  Mortmottimes : Cause? What cause?

  [Agonysia bumps Mortmottimes] 

  Agonysia : She wants what's best for the colony. Don't you, Princess Lucinda.

  [Agonysia walks up toward Lucy] 

  Princess Lucinda : I do.

  [the two others join Agonysia] 

  Agonysia : Then watch Crystal carefully...

  Derridommis : ...become her shadow...

  Agonysia : ...and report back everything you see...

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [in unison]  ... to us!

  Princess Lucinda : I shall do it, for the greater good of the colony.

  [Piano plays the three-note stinger as the scene fades to black] 

• King Calvin , Queen Penelope , Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis , Eugene , Phillip , The Wing Maidens , The Crowd of Royal Rookery Rock : [together]  Happy hatchday to you / Happy hatchday to you / You're looking real swell / Since you shattered your shell / Happy Ha-aaa-atchday to yo-oooo-ou

• [In the Cave of Profundity, Derridommis approaches Agonysia & Mortmottimes in a game of chess] 

  Derridommis : Princess Crystal has left the island.

  Agonysia : [Knocking Crystal's white chess piece to replace with Lucinda's black chess piece]  Too easy.

  [They all laugh] 

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers / We're walking almanacs / Our bones are old and brittle / But our minds are sharp as tacks

  Agonysia : We're overeducated

  Mortmottimes : We're snooty brainiacs

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  We possess an excess / Of many useless facts

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers

  Derridommis : Our thoughts are very deep

  Mortmottimes : We are birds whose big words

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  Put lesser minds to sleep

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  But among intelligentsia /We're mental giants / And this is why when we die

  Derridommis : We'll leave our brains to science

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers / We're birds of higher learning / We welcome you to this barbeque / Of books that need such burning

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing and dancing together]  If you find us condenscending / You're jealous 'cause we're smart / We don't hesitate to elevate

  [pause] 

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [resumes]  Deep thinking to an art

  Agonysia : And what we do / And now we do / With your best / Interests at heart

• Capn' Cragg : [offscreen singing]  Who's the ugliest, and thugliest / The meanest amd obscenest? / Whose habits are uncleanest / And so fearsome you hygienists?

  Capn' Cragg : The king of all the no-account / Gnarly nasty knave /Who's that tusky tank of terror / Who very rarely bathes?

  Bubkus Bill , Timebomb Tom : He's known to boast and the brag / The nefarious Capn' Cragg

  Capn' Cragg : [breaks the fourth wall]  Ah lads, you know me too

• Derridommis : [to King Calvin]  The document, Your Majesty.

  Eugene : [Walks up]  But I'm not finished.

  Agonysia : Oh yes you are.

  Derridommis : Your signature- on the dotted line, please.

  [King Calvin uses Mortmottimes' quail to sign his three signatures in the document] 

• Princess Lucinda : [Clears throat offscreen]  I... did see the bell fall from the sky.

  [the Terribly Deep Thinkers gets up from the game of chess walks towards Lucinda] 

  Agonysia : You lied under oath?

  Princess Lucinda : Uh, I did for the cause.

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [Together in Unison]  Whose cause?

  Princess Lucinda : For-For- For the greater good of the colony.

  Agonysia : Pish-posh. You were blinded by ambition.

  Princess Lucinda : But you said I was the better bird.

  Mortmottimes : Better to betray your own flesh and blood?

  Agonysia : No one will ever trust you again.

  Princess Lucinda : You...

  Princess Lucinda : [Groans]  You tricked me!

  Derridommis : You spied.

  [Lucinda backs up agianst the wall] 

  Mortmottimes : [offscreen]  You lied!

  Derridommis : They'll blame you for everything.

  Agonysia : You'll never be queen now.

• Capn' Cragg : Well, what shall we do with 'em, lads?

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, I know. Let's have a tea party.

  Bubkus Bill : Why not put 'em to work, Capn'? Deck needs swabbin'.

  Timebomb Tom : Sails need mending.

  Capn' Cragg : Grub needs cooking.

  Princess Lucinda : I'd rather walk the prank.

• Mortmottimes : You see, young ladies, you returned on the day of tradgic mourning.

  Derridommis : Soon the king & queen will declare their daughters...

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [together; Agonysia is offscreen]  ..."lost at sea!"

• Baby Princess Crystal : [Penelope picks up a just-hatched baby]  Mama. Mama.

  King Calvin : Oh. She has your beak, Penelope

  Queen Penelope : We shall call her, Crystal.

  Mortmottimes : Pistol? Why-why-why, that's no name for a future queen. Isn't that ridiculous?

  Agonysia , Derridommis : Crystal!

• Derridommis : Oh, lowbrow humor.

• Agonysia : It's obvious Lucinda sets the better example. She's a straight-A student and a star athlete.

  Derridommis : And very popular with the masses.

  Queen Penelope : This is not a popularity contest.

  [Lucinda's maids, aside from her, giggle and the two of them high-five]