Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen (2005) User Reviews

precious minutes from my life I can NEVER get back

[movieman_kev · 2/10 · 1 May 2007]

Amber, a bitter, spiteful, extremely vain ex-beauty model goes on her day by day wheelings and dealings as she's queen of her county after the apocalypse has come and gone. Sylvie (Courtney Kocak) narrates the film and tells her tale of how so met Amber. Gunner Hansen is also on hand as an old man who takes Sylvie in right after the world turns. If you ever hoped that good old Hansen would speak more in his movie roles, you're in luck as he goes on a lentghy monologue about getting old and his old hands. It made me hearken back to the days when he was mostly silent in actual good films as "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" & "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers". Mack-10 should REALLY just stick with rapping. But funnily enough those two are among the BETTER actors in this million dollar stinker. Quite possibly the worst movie based on the Elizabeth Bathory legend ever made. It takes a lot to make that particular story into something so deathly dull and lifeless. Yet this film accomplishes that task with rancid gusto. Pure art-house drivel.

My Grade: D-

Stuff like this should only be shown to the cast and crew's immediate families

[MBunge · 3/10 · 27 August 2010]

This movie has a great title and a soundtrack that doesn't completely suck, which is better than usual for this sort of dirt cheap, desperate-to-make-a-movie filmmaking. You know what Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen doesn't have? Actors who can act, a script that makes sense or a director that knows his ass from a hole in the ground.

Set in a resource depleted future where the U.S. government has collapsed, Queen Amber (Beverly Hynds) is the tyrant of Cachney County. A former New York City supermodel who had to go crawling home after her beauty started to fade, Amber is described in the film as having used her "big city skills" to assemble a fighting force and set herself up as the local warlord. I didn't realize that supermodels in the Big Apple were trained in military strategy and tactics. See what you learn watching crappy movies like this?

A young woman named Sylvie (Courtney Kauffman Kocak) is kidnapped to serve Queen Amber and gets caught up in the intrigue and betrayal of her inner circle. It's not much of an inner circle, though. There's this guy named Matthew (Carlos Gonzalez-Vio) who looks like a boy band reject and a chick named Angel (Katie Rudisel) who just hangs around. Queen Amber's military might is also rather paltry, consisting of a few bedazzled rifles and two bounty hunters named D.K. (Mack 10) and Scotty (Thomas Allen Beckett). I can only describe them by saying if someone ate a copy of Hamlet, D.K. and Scotty would be the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of the resultant turd.

Sylvie, who narrates most of the film with even less conviction than Harrison Ford in Blade Runner, falls in love with Matthew and tries to overthrow Queen Amber and…well, it's kind of hard to relate the rest of the plot because it doesn't really stand up to logical scrutiny or even follow basic rules of causality. I can say that Sylvie and Angel both get naked (though not with each other), several people get killed off camera for either reasons of cheapness or the director's inability to film a convincing shooting, Queen Amber spends a lot of time laughing a really fake-sounding laugh, there are 4 flashbacks but none of them involve the main character of Sylvie, and there's a rival warlord in the neighboring county who is introduced and then summarily killed off for no other possible reason than simply to stretch this production out so it could be passed off as a feature film.

The folks who made Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen clearly had no money and not much more experience when they started production, so it might be unfair to judge them too harshly. They're like many other people who dreamed of being in cinema and took advantage of modern filmmaking technology to make it happen. If this thing were only an elaborate home movie that they shared with friends and family, I'd tip my cap to them for living their dream.

Unfortunately for every human being on Earth, Apocalypse and the Beauty Queen got burned onto who knows how many DVDs and offered up for sale and rent. That means some number of entertainment-seeking consumers will spend money to watch this, which is a crying shame. This movie is disheartening twaddle, made by talentless simpletons and featuring oblivious fools. Watching grass grow would be a better use of your time.

A thousand red roses have merely brought a thousand stains upon my heart

[lastliberal · 5/10 · 23 July 2008]

It is impossible to watch this movie and not see it as the final result of watching reality TV and celebrating vapid starlets and beauty queens. The fact that some 90 million people voted for someone exactly like the beauty queen (Beverly Hynds) in this film is testament to our fascination with the lowest common denominator.

It is a post-apocalyptic world, where warlords rule. In this case, the county is ruled by a fading beauty queen who kidnaps young girls. Sylvie (Courtney Kocak) is one such girl, who also narrates.

This queen, much like the Blood Countess soon starts killing the young girls to add their blood to her bath water. She is obsessed with beauty and loyalty.

Gunner Hanson (Hellblock 13, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) plays a very prominent role, and gives a great talk on aging.

Like all people in power, there is always someone waiting to dethrone you. In this case her assistant (Katie Rudisel) is waiting for her to finally flip.

Great nudity from Kocak and Rudisel, and a great view, although very very short, of our lovely Debbie.

Trash.

[mhorg2018 · 1/10 · 10 July 2018]

I know some people are going to say it's a homage, or it's a comedy or it's both. It's garbage. Lame story, poor acting and bad directing. If one is going to do the apocalypse on a budget - or as looks here, no budget, try and find places that look bad, and make people look bad as well. This does neither well. Not worth whatever it was filmed on.

Beautifully shot, well-acted

[mike-4056 · 8/10 · 26 May 2007]

This gorgeously-shot little movie gives audiences a welcome break from the current trend of gory torture films. Hyndes and Hansen give excellent, multi-layered performances and the script is surprisingly adult and deliberately-paced. No easy answers given. Production Design is also outstanding, giving audiences just enough to establish a post-apocalyptic civilization that we've never seen before. Well done on all counts. Smugala's direction is particularly deft in handling the multiple flashbacks and points of view, as well as juggling each character's motives and motivations. Check this out if you're in the mood for a little more depth. Not for the casual viewer. This is a movie that has to be paid attention to in order to be appreciated.

A Sordid tale of Vanity, Lust, Greed and Bad Politics (like the USA today!).

[yurshta · 6/10 · 13 February 2007]

Set in a future world not destroyed by plague or Hydrogen bombs but rather one that fell into anarchy as a result of a total economic and political collapse with certain natural leaders here and there becoming basically dictators calling themselves anything they like. They use access to food, medical care and provision of some security from roving gangs to gain a following of assorted rabble and are of course, in fierce and bloody competition with other "petite" Lords and Ladies of the Land reminiscent in some ways with the Mad Max series.

A sordid and lustful tale, dark, chaotic, and narrating the lives of rulers almost as idiotic, mindless and cruel as the real-World rulers of the present day. Sure to amaze and entertain! One thing you can say for the Queen: She was not as dreadfully boring a character as G.W. Bush and probably only half as vain and was probably more considerate of the common rabble too!

So all things considered, this movie is not exactly Oscar material, but then it's more entertaining than some, but not quite as sordid and twisted as the revelations of the 9/11 Commission Report.

Probably more lustful than Mad Max, but not as lustful as Blood Gnome....h'm. I think I live near some of these people!

When love fails, lust will suffice! Maybe it's time we got some lust in politics! Oy Vay! That's right, we got that with Clinton!

Sorry folks, I'm still stupefied with this movie!

Beautifully designed, thoughtful art flick

[mikekostel · 9/10 · 22 May 2007]

This gorgeous shot on 35 mm film is a surprisingly excellent entry to the current spate of indie films I have seen thus far this year. The story is unique (any one sick of all the remakes recently?) and absorbing. It is a classic tale told in the near future in an post-apocalyptic setting. Beauty has worth beyond anything else which is very reflective of today's times with celebrities becoming famous for just being famous. This multi-leveled story is timeless and shot so well it's definitely worth checking out. The actors, sets and themes are in a class by themselves. It's not surprising the director is a glamor photographer as the composition reflects his still work perfectly.