- DS Andy Wainwright: You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city.
- DS Andy Cartwright: Everyone and their mums is packin' round here!
- Nicholas Angel: Like who?
- DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.
- Nicholas Angel: Who else?
- DS Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.
- Danny Butterman: Where's the trolley boy?
- Nicholas Angel: In the freezer.
- Danny Butterman: Did you say "cool off?"
- Nicholas Angel: No I didn't say anything...
- Danny Butterman: Shame.
- Nicholas Angel: Well, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
- Danny Butterman: You're off the fuckin' chain!
- [at the scene of Leslie Tiller's death]
- Sergeant Tony Fisher: Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?
- [Angel grimaces and drops money into the swear box]
- Nicholas Angel: Leslie Tiller was FUCKING murdered!
- DS Andy Cartwright: Just like Tim Messenger?
- Nicholas Angel: Yes!
- DS Andy Wainwright: George Merchant?
- Nicholas Angel: Yes!
- DS Andy Cartwright: And Eve Draper?
- Nicholas Angel: Yes!
- DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower?
- Nicholas Angel: No, actually.
- DS Andy Cartwright: Really?
- Nicholas Angel: [shouts] 'COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
- [Danny drops a coin into the swear box]
- Nicholas Angel: Thank you, Danny!
- [Nicholas Angel is having a crackdown on underage drinkers in the pub]
- Nicholas Angel: Oy! When's your birthday?
- Underage Drinker #1: 22nd of February.
- Nicholas Angel: What year?
- Underage Drinker #1: Every year!
- Nicholas Angel: Get out!
- Nicholas Angel: [to the second underage drinker] When's your birthday?
- Underage Drinker #2: 8th of May... 1969...
- Nicholas Angel: You're 37?
- Underage Drinker #2: Yeah!
- Nicholas Angel: Get out!
- Nicholas Angel: [turns to last drinker] When's your birthday?
- Underage Drinker #3: [high pitched] Uhhhh...
- Nicholas Angel: Out!
- Danny Butterman: So what made you want to become a policeman?
- Nicholas Angel: Officer.
- Danny Butterman: What made you want to become a policeman-officer?
- Nicholas Angel: I don't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer... apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode around in it every second I was awake - arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
- Danny Butterman: He sounds like a good bloke.
- Nicholas Angel: Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
- Danny Butterman: What a cunt...
- Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never lost the profound sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the Law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. It was from that moment that I was destined to be a police officer.
- Danny Butterman: Shame...
- Nicholas Angel: How so?
- Danny Butterman: I think you would have made a great Muppet...
- Danny Butterman: Point Break or Bad Boys II?
- Nicholas Angel: Which one do you think I'll prefer?
- Danny Butterman: No, I mean which one do you wanna watch first?
- Joyce Cooper: Fascist!
- Nicholas Angel: I beg your pardon?
- Joyce Cooper: [doing a crossword puzzle] System of government categorized by extreme dictatorship. Seven across.
- Nicholas Angel: Oh, I see. It's "fascism."
- Joyce Cooper: "Fascism"! Wonderful. Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you over there.
- Nicholas Angel: Well, actually, I can probably make my own way up. Hag!
- Joyce Cooper: I beg your pardon?
- Nicholas Angel: Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, 12 down.
- Joyce Cooper: [thinks about it] Oh... bless you!
- [after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, Danny is waving a sachet of tomato ketchup]
- Danny Butterman: Ta-daaa!
- Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
- Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
- Nicholas Angel: It's Frank! He's appointed himself Judge, Jury and Executioner.
- Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He's not Judge Judy, an Executioner.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born and schooled in London, graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical course work and final year examinations. Received a Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving... and advanced cycling. He became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day, he holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
- [Danny and Nicholas have just watched 'Point Break']
- Danny Butterman: What do you think?
- Nicholas Angel: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
- Danny Butterman: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!
- P.I Staker: The swan's escaped?
- P.I Staker: Yeah.
- Nicholas Angel: Right. And where has the swan escaped from exactly?
- P.I Staker: Uh, the castle.
- Nicholas Angel: Oh, yeah? And who might you be?
- P.I Staker: Mr. Staker. Yeah, Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
- Nicholas Angel: P.I. Staker?
- P.I Staker: Yeah.
- Nicholas Angel: Right. "Piss Taker." Come on!
- Nicholas Angel: [cut to Nicholas with Mr. Staker] Yes, Mr. Staker. Um, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it to me?
- P.I Staker: Well, it's white, it has a long neck... uhh... it's a swan.
- Nicholas Angel: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.
- DS Andy Cartwright: Oh yeah, cause we all sell apples 'round here, don't we?
- Danny Butterman: Your dad sells apples, Andy.
- DS Andy Cartwright: And raspberries.
- [looking at a suspicious-looking passerby]
- Nicholas Angel: All right, what about this guy? Ask yourself, why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
- Danny Butterman: He's fuck-ugly.
- Nicholas Angel: Or, he doesn't want you to see his face.
- Danny Butterman: 'Cause he's fuck-ugly.
- Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
- Nicholas Angel: No.
- Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
- Nicholas Angel: No.
- Danny Butterman: Ever been in a high-speed pursuit?
- Nicholas Angel: Yes, I have.
- Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
- Nicholas Angel: No!
- Simon Skinner: Lock me up.
- Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry?
- Simon Skinner: I'm a slasher! I must be stopped!
- Nicholas Angel: You're a what?
- Simon Skinner: A slasher... of prices! I'm Simon Skinner - I run the local supermarché. Drop in and see me sometime - my discounts are *criminal*. Catch me later!
- Nicholas Angel: I may not be a man of God, Reverend, but I know right and I know wrong and I have the good grace to know which is which.
- Reverend Philip Shooter: Oh, fuck off, grasshopper.
- [Reverend Shooter pulls out a pair of derringers from his cassock]
- DS Andy Wainwright: Angel! Don't go being a twat, now.
- Nicholas Angel: I wouldn't give you the satisfaction!
- [Andy takes a swig of beer, leaving a "moustache" of froth on his moustache]
- Nicholas Angel: You've got a moustache.
- DS Andy Wainwright: ...I know.
- Inspector Frank Butterman: I suppose you're wondering why we call them the "Andies"?
- Nicholas Angel: They're both called Andrew?
- Inspector Frank Butterman: [delighted] They said you were good!
- Danny Butterman: Also because talking to them is an uphill struggle, isn't it, Dad?
- [Danny gets hit on the head with a wastepaper basket]
- Danny Butterman: Fuck off!
- Inspector Frank Butterman: Thank you, Danny.
- [Angel has knocked out Michael]
- Simon Skinner: [on walkie-talkie] Michael, are you there?
- Nicholas Angel: [pretending to be Michael] Yarp...
- Simon Skinner: Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?
- Nicholas Angel: Yarp...
- Simon Skinner: He's not going to get back up again?
- [Angel thinks for a while]
- Nicholas Angel: [hesitantly] Narp?
- Simon Skinner: Good. Proceed to the castle.
- Danny Butterman: What about... 'Lethal Weapon'?
- Nicholas Angel: No.
- Danny Butterman: You've seen 'Die Hard', though?
- Nicholas Angel: No.
- Danny Butterman: 'Bad Boys II'?
- Nicholas Angel: No.
- Danny Butterman: You ain't seen 'Bad Boys II'?
- [Nicholas is giving a talk to a group of school children]
- Nicholas Angel: Are there any questions?
- [Danny is sitting at the back of a group]
- Danny Butterman: Is it true that there's a point on a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?
- [Angel is woken in the middle of the night with the report of a suspicious death]
- Nicholas Angel: [on the phone] "Decaffeinated?"
- [cut to shot of two decapitated heads]
- Nicholas Angel: You don't mind a bit of manpower, do ya Doris?
- PC Doris Thatcher: [laughing] Oh, dirty bastard!
- [Doris knocks down a female shop assistant with a yellow "Slippery floor" sign]
- DS Andy Wainwright: Nice one, Doris.
- PC Doris Thatcher: Nothing like a bit of girl on girl!
- Nicholas Angel: What's the matter, Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?
- [proceeds to leap over a series of back-garden fences]
- Danny Butterman: [about PC Doris Thatcher] She's our only policewoman.
- Nicholas Angel: She's not a policewoman.
- Danny Butterman: [whispers] Yes, she is, I've seen her bra.
- [First night in Sandford]
- Nicholas Angel: I'm taking you to the station.
- [pause]
- Nicholas Angel: Where is it?
- Nicholas Angel: [shouting] Have you ever wondered why, why the crime rate in Sandford is so low, yet the accident rate is so high?
- Danny Butterman: What's it like being stabbed?
- Nicholas Angel: It was the single most painful experience of my life
- Danny Butterman: [nodding] What's the second most painful?
- [Sergeant Angel has told Danny Butterman that Official Vocabulary no longer refers to car crashes as accidents: They are now called collisions]
- Danny Butterman: Hey, why can't we say "accident," again?
- Nicholas Angel: Because "accident" implies there's nobody to blame.
- [Nick is being introduced to the NWA for the first time and expresses his religious convictions to Reverend Shooter]
- Reverend Philip Shooter: Oh, you're an agnostic, then?
- Dr. Robin Hatcher: [calling out] I think I've got a cream for that!
- Nicholas Angel: With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.
- Chief Inspector: Yes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector.
- Nicholas Angel: Well however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account. And that's what the team are gonna make of this.
- [gets up and opens the door, where the team standing below a sign reading 'Good Luck Nicholas']
- [indicating the CCTV footage that will act as his alibi]
- Simon Skinner: [smiling] Feel free to spool through!
- [Skinner pulls a pose identical to the one in a photo on the wall behind him]
- Inspector Frank Butterman: And he had one thing you haven't got.
- Nicholas Angel: What's that, sir?
- Inspector Frank Butterman: A great, big, bushy beard!
- Nicholas Angel: How could this be for the greater good?
- Neighbourhood Watch Alliance: The Greater Good.
- Nicholas Angel: Shut it!
- Dr. Robin Hatcher: I've told him several times "You shouldn't eat late at night".
- PC Doris Thatcher: Oh, I dunno. I quite like a little midnight gobble. Haha!
- PC Bob Walker: ...cocks.
- Nicholas Angel: In the meantime, why don't you check out a few of Martin Blower's clients?
- DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower represents damn near most of the village. Do you want us to go through the whole phone book?
- DS Andy Cartwright: Yeah, we'll put a call in to Aaron A. Aaronson, shall we?
- Nicholas Angel: Please, don't be childish. At least consider interviewing the widow. Martin Blower was clearly having an affair with Eve Draper.
- DS Andy Wainwright: Ohh, and how did you establish that?
- Danny Butterman: [pounds table] 'Cause we sat through three hours of so-called acting last night, and the kiss was the only convincing moment in it.
- DS Andy Wainwright: All right, pipe down, biggun'.
- DS Andy Cartwright: Here, what else you got, Crockett and Tubby?
- Nicholas Angel: Skid marks.
- DS Andy Wainwright: Now who's being childish?
- Nicholas Angel: There were no skid marks at the scene! Doesn't it seem a little strange that Martin Blower would lose control of his car and not think to apply the brakes?