Clerks II (2006)

Kevin Weisman: Hobbit Lover

Photos 

Quotes 

• Randal Graves : All right, look, there's only one "Return," okay, and it ain't "of the King," it's "of the Jedi."

  Hobbit Lover : Oh, Star Wars geek.

  Randal Graves : Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

  Elias : You'll have to excuse him, he's not "down" with the trilogy.

  Randal Graves : Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you fucking morons.

  Hobbit Lover : You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Manakin Skywalker so much, right?

  [in robot voice] 

  Hobbit Lover : Danger danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

  Elias : [chucking]  Yea-Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

  Randal Graves : Oh, I'm crazy? Those fuckin' hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.

• Randal Graves : Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third movie on the logical closure point, NOT the 25 endings that followed!

  Elias : What's the "logical closure point"?

  Hobbit Lover : Yeah, friend, enlighten us

  Randal Graves : When fuckin' Frido wakes up from his little comer, or whatever, and all the other hobbits are jumpin' on his bed.

  [squinting his eyes] 

  Randal Graves : And then Sam leans in the doorway and gives him this very fucking gay look.

  Elias : Not The Rings, Randal! Say what you will about Jesus, but leave The Rings out of this!

  Hobbit Lover : [getting angry]  I'm gonna kick your ass back to The Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

  Randal Graves : That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now THAT would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.

  Hobbit Lover : Hey, faggot! They're not gay! They're hobbits!

  Randal Graves : And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

  Hobbit Lover : I swear-

  [nauseous] 

  Hobbit Lover : Fuck you!

  [barfs] 

• Hobbit Lover : I'm gonna kick your ass back to the Shire if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

• Randal Graves : [describing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy]  Here's the first movie.

  [walks a few steps, staring blankly] 

  Randal Graves : And here's the second movie.

  [walks a few steps again, pretends to trip] 

  Hobbit Lover : He is way off, loser.

  Randal Graves : You ready for the third movie?

  [walks yet again, stops, pretends to throw the ring into the volcano. Shrugs his shoulders and turns around] 

• Hobbit Lover : Hey man.

  Elias : [Puts on Mooby's hat]  Welcome to Mooby's, may I take your order?

  Hobbit Lover : Yeah um, let's see... Give me one udderly delicious Moo-ilk shake, Skinny Calf and a, order of onion rings. Thanks.

  Elias : [Typing into register. To himself:]  "One ring to rule them all."

  Hobbit Lover : [Surprised]  "One ring to find them."

  Randal Graves : [Eavesdropping]  Oh Jesus.

  Elias : "One ring to bring them all."

  Hobbit Lover : "And in the darkness bind them!"

  Elias : [Hi-5's the Hobbit Lover]  Yes! How many times?

  Hobbit Lover : Umm, three for 'Fellowship', two for 'Towers', *four* for 'Return'.

  Elias : [Showing off]  Five for return.

  Hobbit Lover : Dude.

  Randal Graves : Okay, look. There's only one 'Return', okay, and it ain't of 'The King', it's of 'The Jedi'.

  Hobbit Lover : [to Elias]  Oh, Star Wars geek.

  Randal Graves : Oh I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your preciouses.

  Elias : [to Hobbit Lover]  You'll have to excuse him. He's not 'down' with the trilogy.

  Randal Graves : Oh, what the fuck happened to this world? There's only one trilogy you fucking morons.

  Hobbit Lover : You know what, maybe we should start calling your friend Padme, because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right?

  [Robotic genstures and monotone, imitating Anakin Skywalker] 

  Hobbit Lover : Danger, danger, my name is Anakin. My shitty acting is ruining saga.

  Elias : [Chuckles]  Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

  Randal Graves : Oh I'm crazy? Those fucking hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano... Here's the first movie...

  [Walks in a straight line, doped] 

  Randal Graves : ... And here's the second movie...

  [Walks in a straight line and steps] 

  Randal Graves : ...

  Hobbit Lover : He is way off. Loser.

  Randal Graves : ...You ready for the third movie?

  [Walks in a straight line again, and, at the end, pretends to take a ring off his finger and throw it away, then shrugs] 

  Diner #1 : Fuckin' A.

• Elias : How many times?

  Hobbit Lover : Well, um, three for "Fellowship," two for "Towers," four for "Return."

  Elias : Five for "Return"!

  Hobbit Lover : Dude!

• Elias : [mumbling]  "One Ring to rule them all."

  Hobbit Lover : "One Ring to find them."

  Randal Graves : Oh, Jesus.

  Elias : [pulls a Ring necklace out of his shirt]  "One Ring to bring them all."

  Hobbit Lover : [pulls a Ring out of his pocket, in a dramatic voice]  "And in the darkness, bind them!"