The Smoking Room (2004–2005)

Paula Wilcox: Lilian

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Barry has been told that he has three minutes until he's interviewed - Barry is dreading it] 

  Lilian : Oh let's face it Barry. Another 15 minutes wouldn't really have helped your chances.

  Monique : Yeah she's right

  [gesturing to herself] 

  Monique : They're either looking for new ideas and fresh input

  [points at Barry] 

  Monique : or the devil they know.

• Annie : I've lost two people and I'm still able to smoke!

  Sally : You haven't lost two people. You've lost someone who just worked in the same building as you... and a rodent.

  Robin : [Annie bursts into slapstic tears]  Oh her bunny rabits dead.

  Len : What?

  [Looks up at the sky] 

  Len : You piss-taking bastard!

  Lilian : When did it happen, sweetheart?

  Sally : [Annie mumbles something under her tears, Lilian looks at Sally, confused]  Yesterday.

  Sally : [Annie mubles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally]  It was hopping round her flat.

  Sally : [Annie mumbles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally]  When it chewed through the televison cable.

  Sally : [Anne mumbles another thing, Lilian looks at Sally]  Poor old Bright-Eyes was...

  [They both look over at a sobbing Annie who mimics someone being electricuted. She contiues crying, Len comforts her] 

  Len : Bright-Eyes? Fucking burning - like fire!

• Sally : [talking about Annie]  ? and if she has got the clap...

  Lilian : [gasps]  Has she?

  Sally : Claims to... But then again she claimed to have met Ben Affleck in Safeways so... forget I mentioned it!

  Lilian : [after a long silence]  Who'd she catch it off?

  Sally : I shouldn't say.

  Lilian : [Robin mouths something at Lilian. Whispering]  Who?

  Robin : [after several failed attempts]  Clint!

  Lilian : Never!

  Sally : Robin! Can't the poor girl have any privacy? As if the itching ain?t enough!

• Lilian : My uncle Colin took 12 months to die. Every day you'd say, "Please let this suffering come to an end." but no - just go steadily worse. No - I would wish that on anyone.

  [sucks on a her cigarette] 

  Lilian : Couldn't book holidays! You went out gallivanting - people called you callous, it was a bloody nightmare!

  Robin : I'm up for euthanasia when it gets to that stage.

  Lilian : Oh, yeah! Bump them off! I mean you do it to an animal why not to your relatives?

  Robin : As long as they said that's what they wanted.

  Lilian : Even if they hadn't, sod them an injection! I mean they're none the wiser - it's a kindness!

• Sharon : [Robin has asked Sharon is she knows the theme tune to a program]  Television's boring - a load of people you don't know chuntering away in the corner of the room!

  Robin : Am I ever gonna get this!

  [storms off] 

  Sharon : I've no objection to you lot watching television if it helps you to relax and prepare for the next day, but I have a social life.

  Lilian : We never see you down the Nags!

  Sharon : I said a social life - not a drink problem.

• Lilian : [talking about the building being vandalised]  Poor Tess is shaken up. It's brought back all that nastiness with her neighbours over that high fence she built.

  Barry : It was 17 metres tall.

  Lilian : I know, but you know Tess - she's a very private individual. There were smashed windows then. A dog dirt daubed door. The side bin overturned.

  Heidi : Her own neighbours.

  Lilian : Yeah - but who can blame her? They were dragging her through court.

• Lilian : Years ago, if you were gay, your only options were the clergy or suicide. Or presenting a gameshow.