This review has some SPOILERS in it.
I happened to spot a movie called 'Zolar' in the TV Guide last week and decided it sounded like something to check out. I knew absolutely nothing about it, but as my friend says, even bad sci-fi is better than no sci-fi. My friend, I am afraid, is so very wrong about that. He needs to watch this movie and rethink his philosophy.
So what is 'Zolar?' It was actually billed as the first live action movie for the Kids WB, a fact I was not aware of until after I started watching it. Had I known this, I might have steered clear, but having seen the beginning credits and noticing C. Thomas Howell's name, I thought it had to have something worthwhile in it. Again, wrongheaded thinking here. The story, as it is, centers on a group of ragtag teenagers that are trying to get into the business of extreme games, particularly skateboarding. You've got the leader, the wild girl, the super-smart inventor, and the little sister. Thing is, they all stink at the sport. Famous(?) skateboarder Jason Ellis, perhaps hallucinating on narcotics, sees potential in these flops, and he recommends them to be trained by Skip, a guy that lives in a bus out in the middle of nowhere. They agree, and make the trip to see him. Skip will train them for the competition (slated the following month, so they are going to be pros in that much time---so much for realism!), but only if they will allow his son to join them. Out pops Zolar, who, as anyone with an IQ in the positive digits can tell, is a teenage alien. Our teenagers, however, credit Zolar's blue skin, frog-like hands, and weird ears as him being a kid from another country. Albert Einstein they ain't!
Of course, Skip trains them for the games, but at the games, oddball aliens show up to kidnap Zolar, resulting in the most laughable chase scene I have ever seen: a chase on a skateboard ramp! After our heroes avoid this trap, we learn that Zolar is from another planet (check that, the TEENS learn this). An evil alien named Hedion (C. Thomas Howell, in ridiculous make-up) wants to extract the energy from Zolar for destructive purposes, and is sending henchmen to do it. We learn that there are a lot of aliens posing as humans, and that most of the best extreme sports players are really aliens in disguise. A real revelation for Tony Hawk, I am sure! Zolar is different in that he has some kind of force that, when off his home planet (destroyed by Hedion) he displays various powers, like flying and bad light shows. Upon learning that his parents may have died with his home planet, Zolar gets depressed. If this is sounding familiar, it should: it is a carbon-copy of the Superman story. Anyhow, some aliens nab Zolar and thus begins a boring struggle as the teens fight to save the world.
I, meanwhile, had to fight to stay awake.
How does the movie end? It doesn't. What we get is something of a cliffhanger, where another kidnapping attempt is planned by Hedion and then the credits roll. While seeing the credits was merciful, the idea that someone intends to make a follow-up was not. The writing is bad. Things would happen that made little sense, and characters suddenly went to a location and it is hard to understand what they are doing there. The characters are all dull, especially Zolar. The effects are computer-generated, presumably on a high-tech Etch-a-Sketch. The make-up effects are such that even the makers of the Power Rangers series would be ashamed to feature them on their show. Howell, for instance, has a big, red head and a long pointy nose. At first I thought his nose was supposed to resemble a mosquito's, but then I realized it was supposed to be a finger! Imagine that: a finger instead of a nose! Somebody morph me out of here! Howell deserves so much better than this.
One can only hope that nobody else watched this movie (and now that I have watched it for you, you don't have to see it) and that 'the first live action movie for the Kids WB' is also 'the last live action movie for the Kids WB.' But knowing television executives, they won't let a dead horse die, and more Zolar movies will liter the screen, under the thought that kids are dumb enough to watch anything with aliens and bad effects. And that is the worst type of wrongheaded thinking possible. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10.
I happened to spot a movie called 'Zolar' in the TV Guide last week and decided it sounded like something to check out. I knew absolutely nothing about it, but as my friend says, even bad sci-fi is better than no sci-fi. My friend, I am afraid, is so very wrong about that. He needs to watch this movie and rethink his philosophy.
So what is 'Zolar?' It was actually billed as the first live action movie for the Kids WB, a fact I was not aware of until after I started watching it. Had I known this, I might have steered clear, but having seen the beginning credits and noticing C. Thomas Howell's name, I thought it had to have something worthwhile in it. Again, wrongheaded thinking here. The story, as it is, centers on a group of ragtag teenagers that are trying to get into the business of extreme games, particularly skateboarding. You've got the leader, the wild girl, the super-smart inventor, and the little sister. Thing is, they all stink at the sport. Famous(?) skateboarder Jason Ellis, perhaps hallucinating on narcotics, sees potential in these flops, and he recommends them to be trained by Skip, a guy that lives in a bus out in the middle of nowhere. They agree, and make the trip to see him. Skip will train them for the competition (slated the following month, so they are going to be pros in that much time---so much for realism!), but only if they will allow his son to join them. Out pops Zolar, who, as anyone with an IQ in the positive digits can tell, is a teenage alien. Our teenagers, however, credit Zolar's blue skin, frog-like hands, and weird ears as him being a kid from another country. Albert Einstein they ain't!
Of course, Skip trains them for the games, but at the games, oddball aliens show up to kidnap Zolar, resulting in the most laughable chase scene I have ever seen: a chase on a skateboard ramp! After our heroes avoid this trap, we learn that Zolar is from another planet (check that, the TEENS learn this). An evil alien named Hedion (C. Thomas Howell, in ridiculous make-up) wants to extract the energy from Zolar for destructive purposes, and is sending henchmen to do it. We learn that there are a lot of aliens posing as humans, and that most of the best extreme sports players are really aliens in disguise. A real revelation for Tony Hawk, I am sure! Zolar is different in that he has some kind of force that, when off his home planet (destroyed by Hedion) he displays various powers, like flying and bad light shows. Upon learning that his parents may have died with his home planet, Zolar gets depressed. If this is sounding familiar, it should: it is a carbon-copy of the Superman story. Anyhow, some aliens nab Zolar and thus begins a boring struggle as the teens fight to save the world.
I, meanwhile, had to fight to stay awake.
How does the movie end? It doesn't. What we get is something of a cliffhanger, where another kidnapping attempt is planned by Hedion and then the credits roll. While seeing the credits was merciful, the idea that someone intends to make a follow-up was not. The writing is bad. Things would happen that made little sense, and characters suddenly went to a location and it is hard to understand what they are doing there. The characters are all dull, especially Zolar. The effects are computer-generated, presumably on a high-tech Etch-a-Sketch. The make-up effects are such that even the makers of the Power Rangers series would be ashamed to feature them on their show. Howell, for instance, has a big, red head and a long pointy nose. At first I thought his nose was supposed to resemble a mosquito's, but then I realized it was supposed to be a finger! Imagine that: a finger instead of a nose! Somebody morph me out of here! Howell deserves so much better than this.
One can only hope that nobody else watched this movie (and now that I have watched it for you, you don't have to see it) and that 'the first live action movie for the Kids WB' is also 'the last live action movie for the Kids WB.' But knowing television executives, they won't let a dead horse die, and more Zolar movies will liter the screen, under the thought that kids are dumb enough to watch anything with aliens and bad effects. And that is the worst type of wrongheaded thinking possible. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10.
