Red vs. Blue (2003–2024)
Kathleen Zuelch: Tex, Freelancer Tex (Alison), Freelancer Tex, Texas, Agent Tex, Agent Texas
Quotes
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Tucker : [realizes that he has to go on a dangerous mission*] This is so dumb! I'm not doing this!
Church : Hey, newsflash: you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself!
Tucker : I know! And I'm so used to picking up things and not *letting* 'em get attached.
[brief pause*]
Tucker : I'm talkin' about women.
Church : I know, yes. I got it.
Tex : Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker : You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex : Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous!
Tucker : Well, I'm not going with Church! That guy's a worse fighter than I am!
Church : Well, you're in luck then, because *I'm* not going either.
Tucker : What? Then who?
[he and Caboose quickly look at each other*]
Tucker : No fucking way! I'm not going with him!
Caboose : Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I hope we meet a cleric along the way! None of us knows how to heal.
[the Alien speaks*]
Andy The Bomb : He says he's a healer.
Caboose : Oh, good.
Andy The Bomb : [chuckles*] Not really. They *eat* their wounded.
[chuckles again*]
Caboose : Just like chiropractors!
Tucker : This is a joke, right? You're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?
Church : What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it! There's nothing wrong with me!
Caboose : Ok! So, um... Tucker is the fighter, uh... Crunch-bite is the healer... and I am the powerful... and intelligent... wizard... Morphu-max...
Andy The Bomb : What the hell does that make me?
Caboose : You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy The Bomb : A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!
Caboose : That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker : I'm gonna fuckin' die.
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Sarge : [Tex has finished repairing Shelia, and is now attacking the Red Base. Sarge is in the Warthog and radios Simmons] Simmons, I'm comin' around in the Warthog. Take the gunner position when I come by.
Simmons : Right, Sir.
Grif : I'll, uh, I'll just stay here.
Simmons : Yeah. Stay and guard this cement wreck. It's vital to our success.
[Simmons jumps into the gunner position of the Warthog]
Simmons : I'm in, sir.
Sarge : [they drive off towards Sheila] Good. Here's the plan, Simmons
[Tex blasts the Warthog, and Simmons flies off]
Sarge : Yowza!
Grif : [Sarge and Simmons run back to Red Base] Wow. You guys back so soon? Win the war already?
Simmons : Hey Sarge, you mind telling me the rest of the plan now?
Sarge : If we survive this, I'm gonna kill the both of you... slowly...
Sheila : [Shelia is still firing at the Red Base] Firing main cannon.
Donut : [Donut runs up the stairs, while Grif, Simmons, and Sarge are cowarding in the other staircase] What are you guys doing up here?
Grif : That chick with the black armor is back!
Donut : What chick? The one who stuck a grenade to my head?
Simmons : That's the one!
Donut : The one who's the reason why I'm in this Light Red Armor?
Grif : Donut, I understand the need to safeguard your masculinity, but it's so much faster just to say Pink.
Donut : Ohhh, I've been waiting for this...
[runs to edge of base, towards Sheila]
Donut : HEY BITCH! REMEMBER ME? I SAVED SOMETHING FOR YA'!
[Tosses grenade at Tex and Sheila]
Tucker : [Simmons and Grif look at grenade, grenade flies, Lopez/Church watches grenade, grenade flies, Tucker and Cabosse watch grenade] Wow. That girl has some arm...
Tex : [grenade lands in Tex's lap] Oh, CRAP!
Donut : HELL YEAH! THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY WHORE!
-
[Church and Tex are in Caboose's mind and are encountering his mental images of all the characters]
Caboose's Church : Attention Reds! The great Caboose demands an audience with you, so listen up ya blowjobbing cocksuckers!
[the Reds appear from behind obstacles one by one]
Simmons : Caboose? Oh no, he's come to kill us!
Grif : [he is wearing yellow] Will someone please help me? I don't wanna die.
Lady Donut : I love Caboose and yet I'm still afraid of him.
Sarge : [in a pirate voice] Arrgh. I be havin' a southern accent. Yorgh.
Lady Donut : He's so scary.
Caboose : Fear not, Reds. I come here not to destroy, but instead to ask for your assistance on this day.
Church : Okay woah woah woah woah woah. I gotta correct a couple things I'm hearing.
[to the fake Church]
Church : First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
Caboose's Church : Shove it, dick-sniffer!
Church : And Caboose? Come on, dude. Seriously? Have you paid attention to our enemies for one second?
Caboose : I beg your pardon?
Church : First of all, that guy,
[Grif]
Church : he's not yellow. He's orange. And since when is there a girl on the red team?
Lady Donut : My favorite thing is pretty dresses.
Sarge : Argh. I got termites in me leg.
Church : And that is not a southern accent.
Sarge : Arr.
Lady Donut : Do you have any tampons?
Church : Seriously, what is the matter with you people?
Tex : Calm down, Church!
Grif : Don't kill us, Mr. Sidekick!
Caboose's Church : Hey butt-brunch! I'm Caboose's sidekick, not him! Shut your pie-hole!
-
Caboose : Please don't go.
Sheila : I am... not leaving.
Caboose : Oh good. Good. Stay.
Sheila : You are acting strangely, and I would like to find out why.
Caboose : Oh, OK. Um...
Sheila : Caboose, the Omega AI has been missing, and everyone has been attempting to find him. If you continue to act erratically, they may mistakenly think he is inside of you, and take drastic measures against you.
Caboose : Oh, I wouldn't want them to do that.
Sheila : Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.
Caboose : You do? Where?
Sheila : He is inside Blarrrrr...
[Tex just shut down Sheila]
Tex : Got it!
Caboose : Who is Blarrr... Blerr...
