Freshman Orientation (2004)

Mike Erwin: Matt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Clay : [waking up under the same blanket with Matt]  Please tell me you're not spooning me.

  Matt : [mostly still asleep]  Hm? Mm. Five more minutes, man.

  Clay : Shit, dude. You've got morning wood.

• Clay : You make me feel like a real man. M-maybe my whole life has been a total lie and I'm not gay. I think I'm in love with you.

  Clay : [stroking Matt's cheek]  Now make love to me. Please.

  Matt : I think I'm gonna puke.

  Clay : Dude, this is what all ladies really dream about - the fag who's not afraid to eat his best girlfriend's pussy.

  Matt : You don't know shit about being gay.

  Clay : Oh, yeah, well, there's a campus sexual identity support group meeting this afternoon. Get my gay on there.

  Matt : Do you have any other goals in life besides getting laid?

  Clay : You mean like writing the great American novel, making a million dollars, stopping world hunger, that sort of thing?

  Matt : Exactly.

  Clay : Dude, I'm a B-student from Wisconsin, okay? My... my mom drives a school bus. My dad manages a Target store. Now, future happiness for guys like me means Saturday afternoon BBQ's, a sweet deal on a new civic, and the occasional blow job from my wife. And until I take that sad journey into cultural purgatory, my goal in life is - yeah - to get as much ass as I can.

• Clay : Should I get my nipple pierced?

  Matt : Is there any part of you that sees how immoral this is?

• Clay : [at a frat party populated by plain girls]  Oh, my God, man. Look at these chicks. We're surrounded by "before shots."

  Matt : I thought the ugly ones were easier to lay.

  Clay : It's a myth, my friend. The unattractive ones think that their insides are really beautiful, so you gotta waste a lot of time and energy makin' them think that you're attracted to their personalities.

• Clay : [seeing his dead roommate wheeled away]  So when you movin' in?

  Matt : I'll get my stuff.

• Clay : Look, if we're gonna mate with that species of girl, we just need to become a superior breed of male.

  Matt : So we should... go to the gym or somethin'.

  Clay : No, we should become frat boys, dude. I mean, what better way to fortify our masculinity than with some classic male bonding.