Gray Matters (I) (2006)

Molly Shannon: Carrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Carrie : I quit weight watchers. Can you believe it? I quit! Fergie schmergie! I hate fiber. I like mallomars and if Derek isn't going to love me for the tiny amount of cellulite I have on the back of my thighs then fuck him. Screw that guy. This is the package ok? It's exactly the same under the wrapping. This is the packages, no exchanges, no returns. Right? Why does our society push us to be perpetually uncomfortable with who we are. It's so messed up! Wanna know why?

  [reading from a magazine] 

  Carrie : " Boost your buttocks and thighs. Luscious Liposuction. Flawless face lifts." That's why. Enough is enough. We need to stop letting society and media and our religious leaders delegate who we are. You're amazing and I'm even more amazing and anybody who doesn't get it can screw themselves...

  [sigh] 

  Carrie : That felt fantastic.

• Carrie : She's the best. Strong, independent, feisty.

  Gray : Who are you talking about?

  Carrie : Who else? Queen Oprah. Oprah, Oprah the great. Oprah, I love her. Do you understand that I'm obsessed with her? I think she is so great that she should start her own religion - that's how much I love her. I love her so much that if she and Stedman couldn't have children and needed a little bit of help, I would surrogate a child for them. That's right. I would have Oprah's baby, that's how much I love her.

  Gray : Wauw. That's a lot of love.