Near Death (2004) User Reviews

Is this Ghostbusters III?

[jbarker71 · 2/10 · 1 November 2004]

"I loved you, now I'm going to kill you"

This movie has so many priceless moments like that, it's hard to know where to begin. I don't think the ghosts are so much Ghosts, as people who've eaten too much black cherry jello brand gelatin who sneer and make noises like growling dogs. Check out the dime-store novelty cobwebs. And at the end, when the woman's face is torn off- check out the mouse in the mouth! Funny! And the exorcism? Woah... someone call William Friedkin! Also enjoy the exterior establishing shot obviously manipulated to be day and night, to poor effect. And whoops- the priest died... oh well. My other favorite was the golden-foil wallpaper them: brilliant art direction. The cheap digital effects made you feel like you were watching cheap digital effects (the Death of Heinrich scene). I spent most of the film trying to figure out how the actors were talked into doing this piece. 'Billy' had the best approach and neither over or underacted.

I'll give these guys an A for effort, but I don't plan on watching another Castro effort, nor could I recommend this to anyone. It's as though the filmmakers said "let's marry our favorite films- 'Sunset Boulevard', 'Evil Dead', and 'Scooby Doo', but without a dog". The lighting was absolutely horrible- felt like you were watching a poorly lit home vido.

crappy movie called

[beoshaff · 2/10 · 25 March 2005]

my friends and i have a tradition of having a "fright night" around Halloween every year, and i have to say, by looking at the cover, i THOUGHT this might be OK. As soon as i popped the movie in, the night ceased to be scary and became a night where people laughed until we cried. with the cheesy as all effects and the HORRID actors, this film ceases to be viewable by a fourth grade video class. whoever directs a film such as this should be beaten with reads and stuck in a formaldehyde jar. Therefore Joe Castro needs to be taught how to direct a film that has more creditability than a college science project. Don't watch this film trust me

SUPER BAD FILM

[nogodnomasters · 2/10 · 23 May 2019]

WOW! What a bad movie. The movie opens with a bar tender taking a girl to a house where she is killed and eaten raw. We then go to the credits and three people show up at the same house wanting to hunt for ghosts...which they find. The cannibals are ghouls, trapped inside the house. If you enjoyed low budget 80's super VHS horror films, this one will make you feel at home.

Sex, Nudity (Carol Rose Carver, Vida Ghaffari?)

Can this movie be any more corny?

[Eiri-san · 1/10 · 28 July 2005]

I'm very surprised that this film was ACTUALLY released on DVD. When I purchased the DVD of this film, I was thinking.."Wow..I never heard of this movie..it seems interesting, with cannibals and such... and hey, the cover even looks cool!" Boy..was I WRONG. This movie was a horror movie cliché gone terribly wrong...There's something up with this house (saying this without spoilers) and these teenagers decide to investigate for a report, or something. The opening of this movie reminded me of a porno movie..and I mean, come on..was the shower scene REALLY necessary? And the filming angles aren't all that great, may I add. When they show the cannibals eating, it seemed like all they were eating was canned cranberry products. The 'gore' scenes didn't live up to the violence mentioned in the warning on the DVD, may I add. Also, the computer graphics was much too obvious. Frankly, I found this movie more of a comedy than a horror film. The actors were either overacting, or they seemed like they were not trying at all. The only character, I must say, that had somewhat good acting was Billy. The only result of this film after finishing it was inside jokes with my friend, since we were watching it together, laughing our asses off. I would not recommend this movie to anyone, unless you're in for a laugh of how corny this movie is. I will not watch nor buy another Castro movie. Ever.

Absolutely Horror-ble

[wais67 · 1/10 · 28 December 2004]

This lame-ass excuse of a zombie flick was even poor by turkey B-movie standards. Myself being a B-movie enthusiast, I've seen some 'grade A' B-movies in the past couple of years implying that a low budget + remarkable creativity + insightful directing can lead to an impressive finished product. Overall this movie gave me the impression that a bunch of undergraduate students majoring in film studies decided to reap up some cash and come up with this ingenious, deplorable piece of craptastic art called 'Near Death'. It's the agonizing pain that you will experience through your veins as you sit through this whole movie.

I would definitely watch this movie a second time...if I was strapped to a chair, with my eyelids stapled open and receiving a naked lap dance from Rosie O'Donell, hence forcing me to tilt my head sideways towards the T.V. In other words, AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Enough said.

By the way, if you DO get a chance to watch this movie (maybe flipping thru the channels during the graveyard shift and happen to stumble upon upon it on Mystery Science Theater 3000) watch how the lead practically shouts every line off a TelePrompter, overacting every scene - as if this movie is supposed to be the pivotal point in her fictitious acting career.

Dust bin dwellers: Bad D.V.D. movie rental night!

[Captain_Couth · 1/10 · 9 November 2004]

Near Death (2003) is just a mess. The storyline (if you want to call it that) is boring and confusing. The acting is inept and the lighting and direction is terrible. Such a shame because the gore effects were surprisingly good for a "movie" like this. Like I said in the past, Gory set pieces do not make a picture. Shot on digital video and acted in "lame-o-vision". The performances varied from stiff to hammy. One actor in general shouted his lines.

Three so called "ghost hunters" enter a gaudy house populated by people who look as if they've been eating too much Black Jack Chewing Gum and a chronic case of halitosis. The protagonists are spineless and the monsters aren't even cool and the cast isn't even semi-attractive (the lead actress has an E.T. neck) and the dude (lead actor) looks like a cruiser. I don't know how they got the villain wrong. I mean he dresses kind of cool but his acting is simply dreadful.

Too many computer and digital effects destroy the movie. The editing needs a whole lot of work and the director needs to hire a person to work on the continuity. Even if this film was in the competent hands of a good director I don't think the results would have been any different. When you work with crap you'll wind up with crap, if you're good it'll be a shiny piece of crap.

I wouldn't recommend this film to many worst enemy. It's not worth the aggravation or testing one's patience by having to sit through this ordeal. Try and either find another movie or a different hobby.

Time is too short for things like this because this movie is NEAR DEATH!!

Please don't bother.

[rogue_prion · 16 May 2004]

I have an open mind to bad horror, and continued to watch this film after the first 2 minutes to see if it would get any better, against my better judgement. Its hard to describe just how poor this film really is. Lets face it, I've seen better acting in a porn film. The script was ridiculous, the plot was laughable, and the effects made me cringe and/or laugh out loud. Someone should tell whoever is responsible for this waste of time that jello looks nothing like innards, and never will. The camera work was poor, and this film just had "amateur" written all over it. I am stunned that "offerings" like this are even released on DVD, and even more amazed that they even get financed in the first place. Its an hour and a half of my life that i will never get back, and that makes me sad. Please do yourself a favour, and don't touch this, or any other film by the same company with a very big long stick.

omygod

[weymo · 1/10 · 9 July 2004]

I can't remember the last time I hated a movie 50 seconds in. This appears to be footage that was shot for a backdrop to a video game which must have never been developed so the owner's decided to release it as a film. I don't know if comparing it to a student film disses the film enough. It's pacing is softcore porn without the interesting dialogue...or porn. The only thing diabolical about this film is that it was ever swept up off the video editing suite's hard drive to see the light of day. Horrible...and not in a good way.

One of the worst I've seen

[trifon-1 · 1/10 · 23 March 2004]

After watching this movie I can only ask: "Why would anyone produce something like that?" You get a feeling that you are watching 1-2grade students performing in school skit, with the addition of getters props and decore.

One can't help, but wonder if this all the actors are capable of - most TV advertivements are better performed. One could say that these is a story befind it, but barely enough for a 1-2 page short story. As far as the director, it's dificult to imagine how he stood through it. I'll leave him with the benefit of the doubt, and speculate he just wanted to show how misguided the movie biz can get. If you've not watched this movie, I would suggest renting something else, or just watching the news.

No matter how much you want to like movies like this, you'll feel like a sucker after you watch it.

[vrldc · 1/10 · 20 January 2005]

Even those who like the low budget gore, low brow humor and independent zombie movies will fine this a disappointment.

Near Death tries to be cheap horror/soft-core porn/comedy with being scary, sexy or funny. You can appreciate the effort of the actors but the plot, the effects, the orthodontic pieces, its just too much. You wonder where this is going all the time. You ask yourself what's up with the sex scenes, what's up with the mirror, what's up with priest who has is approached for research purposes and then agrees to an exorcism/séance or something 60 seconds later.

I am all for actors and directors trying to make a buck in the alternative DVD market with "not-ready-for-theater" movies but this is a poor effort because you see what the director is trying to do but never comes close to getting done. You may become depressed after you've seen it, because movies like this make you aware of the many ways you can be suckered into wasting time.

Never mind my $3, I just want my 10 minutes back

[cruelmo · 1/10 · 5 August 2007]

Yes, that's how far I got into this movie before I thought to myself, "What on earth am I doing? I could be watching stoplights change!" And yes folks, I can say, without even a hint of sarcasm, that I would prefer to watch a stoplight change for 85 minutes than any of this "film".

As most of the other reviewers have already mentioned, the acting was on a par with that typically found in a 4th grade Christmas pageant. The special effects... well what can I say about those? I've seen more convincing special effects in soap operas and more realistic gore in comic books.

Some horrifically bad movies are fun to watch just because it's fun to laugh at how bad they are. For some reason, this one falls flat in that department, just as it does in every other. I can not think of any reason to watch this movie.

Good if you like dumb horror movies.

[daartist · 8/10 · 13 November 2004]

This movie was so horrible that it was a lot of fun. Most of the people in this movie acted really poorly. So it was comedic without trying to be.

The part where the character Heinrich says "But we need to eat!" was a real gem. It was so overacted it was hilarious. Perfect for this movie.

The guy who played Billy acted really well which made the movie more bearable. Next to the woman who played June/Maria he looked like a natural. I couldn't stand how stilted and unnaturally loud her lines were. I have no idea how the director just let her get away with such horrible acting.

I will probably never watch this movie again. But I would recommend it to people who are into B horror movies.

Death has no friends...and neither do I....

[whammy666 · 6/10 · 15 January 2006]

And I have no friends because I watch crappy movies like this. Come on people, this movie is awesome! The opening scene is classic. Sure, the special effects in this movie are bad, but the gore is still pretty damn good. Lots of blood, gut-eating, although the plot is very weak and the acting is pretty bad. This is a huge HUGE improvement over Terror Toons (2002). Even though I liked Terror Toons, that is an awful, awful film. This one is slightly better. The acting is a little better, and the gore is a lot better. This is pretty watchable. I also got this for free, and it is worth free. If you like low budget movies with decent gore, bad acting, bad CGI effects, dumb plots, and one hottie who never gets naked, you will probably find Near Death a stunning and fun experience. Check it out, only 3 bucks in many stores.

Near death will put you nearer to your death!

[Usagurl0321 · 1/10 · 26 January 2008]

Near Death will defiantly put you nearer to your death! This movie... i guess you would call it a movie was more like a horrible high school production between the jelly eating ghouls and the outrageous acting. I thought it would be good considering the movie cover was eye-catching and the description on the cover was alright buy BOY WAS I WRONG... it started as a bad porno and ended with bad graphics and annoying monotone actors/actresses. The directer needs to be sold and eaten by one of these damn ghouls. Billy was the only alright actor in the whole film. I would not recommend this film unless your in for a good laugh and a few inside jokes between friends. If your looking to be scared keep looking. AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COST, IT WASN'T WORTH THE $.99 IT COST TO RENT IT!

lots of twists and turns

[VideoChick911 · 10 July 2004]

Near Death has all the elements of a straight-to-video movie: Hot guys, hot girls, lots of blood, good visuals, and plenty of scares. The actors are great, except there is one girl who is so bad that she sounds like a robot when she talks. It starts with these kids in a car out on the highway looking for a haunted mansion. They have a map and they argue a lot. When they finally find the place, they have an encounter with a team of ghosts. One of the girls falls in love with a ghost and is turned to the dark side. A bunch of people get butchered, and the two leads end up taking a shower together....hot!! The ghosts have to fight for their own survival, and you find out the secret of the movie, which is actually pretty trippy. I watched it again this morning.

Near unwatchable

[Stevieboy666 · 3/10 · 13 April 2019]

Three parapsychologists investigate an apparently haunted mansion, once the home of an infamous film director. It is now inhabited by flesh eating undead ghouls. Released in the UK by Film2000, a label notorious for very bad movies, the DVD cover laughably describes this as a "classic horror film", boasting "state of the art special effects", Really??? Could not be further from the truth. Some, well most, of the acting is really bad, in particular Perrine Moore, who unfortunately plays a dual role. The effects, especially the CGI, are poor. As is the sound at times. There are plenty of potholes. I have rather generously rated this 3/10, and that is purely down to the fact that there is quite a lot of gore on show. The only thing worth the pain of sitting through this horrible excuse of a movie.

Simply Horrible

[whpratt1 · 1/10 · 5 May 2007]

Ghost hunters decided to enter a very mysterious home that has been cursed over the years and encounter flesh eating ghouls who don't mess around with just enjoying every part of your body for a good dinner. You will actually see these ghouls chomping on a heart and after watching quite a few of these scenes your stomach begins to become sick. There is one guy who plays a Boris Karloff role where he supplies very young good looking sexy girls for these very hungry ghouls. This film is very graphic and the acting is simply Horrible and a film you do not want to waste your time viewing. Unless, this is the type of film which you really enjoy.

well named you will be near death after watching

[robertlauter25 · 1/10 · 29 June 2013]

To quote the late Roger Ebert from his review of I spit on your Grave. Near death is "a vile bag of garbage, shameful utterly worthless trash, if it isn't the worst movie I've ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful" After the first idiotic bimbo is murdered, in the first five minutes, her cleavage being the only thing worth seeing, the rest of the movie dies with her. even by the standards of straight to the shelf low budget horror flicks this is the bottom of the barrel. Stupid boring and incoherent. I think the idea was that this movie was making fun of itself, but it doesn't come across that way. The camera work is murky, the audio is muddled, the make up and effects have less creativity than your garden variety kindergarten puppet show. Just awful.

Groundbreaking

[Nixonbrian42 · 1/10 · 2 February 2013]

If Mystery Science Theater 3000 was still on the air I would personally send this DVD directly to their studio door with a letter inside begging them to make an episode out of it. This movie was one of the outright funniest pieces of film crud that I've seen in decades. This one is like a newer take off of Manos: Hands Of Fate, a truly brilliant pile of hysterical digital stink. I mean gut busting funny. It's a riot. What more needs to be said.

If you're a fan of MST3K it's a must see. If not then be careful, you might need medical attention afterwards.

The director of this film may very well be the reincarnation of Ed Wood. The actors I don't think were even aware they were shooting a film. A ten year old could have made better special effects. The cost and feel of the production resembles soft core porn.

This is strictly for lovers of grade-Z cinema.

Worst movie I've ever seen

[jusdean-84328 · 1/10 · 8 February 2019]

I remeber buying the dvd at F.Y.E. Years ago for only a dollar thinking it might be good since I've gotten two other movies that actually pretty good but the acting and special effects were so bad. It was like a low budget horror porno film without any good money shots. Avoid this one at all cost!!

Joe Castro, love to meet you!

[Capegirl05 · 10/10 · 22 February 2017]

I have watched this film with my best friend in and around 9 times. This film I admit is lacking in a normative way, but unfortunately for Joe Castro it's lack is what makes me fall head over heels for its Ducking hilarity! If you feel the need to laugh the whole way through something take this upon yourself. By the end of it you'll be a first rate stand up comedian you'll have so many jokes. I love this film to bits. It rivals the room in my opinion, which I have fully appreciated also!watch it , watch it now.

Not that bad...

[grenni · 6/10 · 22 March 2004]

The film has the "cheap and cheasy" production look and feel to it:

The actors are not outstanding, but two pieces of eye candy are available. The special effects are simple and cannot compete with state of the art, but they do work in a way (except for at least two scenes, where they accomplish the opposite: they do not scare you, they make you laugh).

The story is not that bad, reminds me of the kind of spooky story that regularly spawns horror movies and flicks.

If you like second rate horror movies, where people definitely tried to do a good job, this will be a good one for you.

Really cool, Sunset Boulevard meets Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[McCormick1340 · 3 June 2004]

This movie has one of the coolest stories I've seen in a long time. Three students researching supernatural activity come upon a mansion inhabited by ghosts from the 1950's. There is the spirit of an old film director: Willie Von Brahm, his star: Vena (a prettier version of Gloria Swanson from sunset boulevard), his leading man: Harlan, Doctor Blanchard etc. The whole cast is colorful and entertaining. I especially liked the scenes at the pawnshop and at the beach. Probably the best thing about this movie is the sets. The rooms in the mansion are really cool, you can see this is where most of the budget went. the camera work is so/so, the actors have good scenes. Also interesting is the subplot involving Markie selling dead bodies to the ghosts for money.

A wet dream from the mind of a visionary

[alexjoymurphy · 10/10 · 22 February 2017]

This movie was eye-opening, thrilling and laced with frequent emotional reactions, I was grateful for this because emotions are something I experience, often. I don't need to tell you what to do, but you do need to see an actor's head-shot photocopied and left on the beach to be happened upon.

Thank you, Watch this.

Amusing enough

[Monolight · 6/10 · 1 November 2020]

Of course it's bad and cheesy but it's not that boring and has some nice practical effects. I had fun.