Two and a Half Men (2003–2015)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper, Sid Olsen
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.
Charlie : Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
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Alan Harper : Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie : That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.
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Alan Harper : You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake Harper : Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan Harper : Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!
Jake Harper : I have my doubts, dad.
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Alan Harper : [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
Charlie : No!
Alan Harper : Why not?
Charlie : I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?
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Alan Harper : [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
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Charlie : You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3: "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan Harper : Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled "Bite Me". Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
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Alan Harper : Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie : Pull.
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Alan Harper : A movie would be fine.
Charlie : All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake Harper : There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!
[Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]
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Alan Harper : [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!
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Alan Harper : [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...
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Alan Harper : A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Jake Harper : Oh, yeah? What's *your* definition of "bloodsoaked vengeance"?
