13 Dead Men (2003) User Reviews

The Worst Movie I have ever seen in my life, so bad you'll pee in your pants from laughter!

[reverendbooka · 1/10 · 25 April 2004]

I absolutely cannot understand why this movie was as bad as it was. The writer, director, producer, fight coordinator, actors, and anyone else working on this abomination must've been so excited about making a "real" movie, and not a porno that they did not notice the massive suckage that it is. Mystikal is the worst actor in this movie. Crucial scenes that are supposed to develop his character, only work to make him look like a retard. Not once did he ever interact with the others, he just read his lines and cursed a lot. Next was the massive amount of scenes that didn't make sense.

1.The Cornbread Scene(what was the purpose!?!!?) 2.During the jailbreak where the Santos(Lorenzo Lamas) breaks out the crazy looking white guy, just because he asked...then that same guy goes on to fight one of Santos' teamates(the big black guy)...why!?!? 3.The "Evil" warden's whore/girlfriend..what is up with their relationship..it looked like for a while that an interesting subplot was going to develop....nope..more confusion.

A badly written film, with almost no character development, no background information(you feel like you jump right into the middle of movie), and no rising action(just constant conflict..much of which has nothing to do with the central plot.) I can honestly say that this is the worst movie i've ever seen..and the funniest...CORNBREAD....!!!

Holy crap-fest

[Billboard · 1/10 · 17 May 2004]

Do yourself a favor and don't waste your time watching this movie. You'll want that hour and a half of your life back, as do I. Wooden actors, plot holes a mile wide, awful dialogue, and action sequences that my little brother could have choreographed make this hands-down, one of THE worst movies I've seen in a looooooong time. It's so bad you wonder how it ever got made. '13 Dead Men' is the kind of movie you watch for the sole purpose of making fun of it with your friends. Actually, it's the kind of movie you and your friends would make if you were goofing around with a video camera making the script up as you go along.

'Nuff said.

Just a Prison Film

[whpratt1 · 1/10 · 25 September 2007]

Malachi (Ashley Tucker), is a professional diamond thief and is falsely convicted for murder and is placed on death row in a very high-security prison. There is a crooked Warden named Kowalski (David Weininger) who wants to obtain these diamonds and runs a prison with a staff that is all corrupt and mistreats all prisoners. Shalena Hughes, (Jay'me) is a female prison guard who becomes interested in Ashley Tucker and feels he is being pick on and beaten on a daily basis. Santos,(Lorenzo Lamas) is Malachi's partner in crime and he finds out the warden is planning to up the date on his execution and has to break him out very quickly. There is plenty of violence and horrible beatings and fights throughout the entire film. This film is really a big bomb, and not worth watching, unless you like the great acting of Mystikal, (Caj) who gives a great supporting role.

Lamas' audition for Expendables 3

[cwhaskell · 2/10 · 17 December 2011]

Lorenzo Lamas is a great actor. A poor man's Seagal, he brings a six pack and great hair to every role he plays. 13 Dead Men is no exception, as him and his team of diamond thieves are in charge of breaking a guilty, but not that guilty, man out of prison and into our hearts.

But seriously, this is a real stinker. I was wondering why this needed to be made, but then realized that Van Damme was cast in Expendables 2. This creates a disparity in the world of action stars, as Lamas might now be the only one to not grace the screen in the Stallone epics we have all come to love and cherish. Enter 13 Dead Men, the perfect vehicle to show how Lamas can still get down, Kung-fu style. Oh yeah, and Mystikal is in this too.

The worst film ever?

[spanfan · 1/10 · 29 November 2005]

One of the worst films I have seen.

It's slow, the director seems to think that making a movie with lots of fight sequences and a rap soundtrack is all it takes. It's not as if the fights are realistic.

It's like watching 3 year old kids play fighting.

The actors can't act. The dialogue is pathetic and every minute or so we end up with another play fight and backing music.

The idea was good but totally wasted in this movie. There are so many decent films out there and life's too short for this sort of rubbish.

Don't waste your time. I wish I hadn't.

Oh my God!

[markos-9 · 1/10 · 26 January 2004]

Well, I've got no problem with the script, since it's a normal 'good guy in jail' script. But I didn't like something else. Everything! Directed and performed in the worst way it could ever be! The movie has a cheap-porno atmosphere in witch the actors (may God help them become that) perform in a totally unnatural way. Awful! Some actors can be saved though, especially if you think that they had to act in this thing. Resuming : Cheap porno-movie atmosphere, awful acting and directing, lots of violence and dirty talk, cheap chicks and guns. I loved it!

we honestly can't recommend 13 Dead Men

[tarbosh22000 · 4/10 · 7 January 2022]

Malachi (Tucker) is in prison. But it's not just any prison, of course. It's run by the corrupt warden Kowalski (Weininger) and his obedient gang of corrections officers. Kowalski stages illegal Punchfights, but he also has his own personal death row where he executes inmates at will (those are the '13 Dead Men' of the title). The Van Peebles-esque Malachi just wants to serve out his sentence as peacefully as possible, but he's put in a cell next to Caj (Mystikal), the Top Dog of the facility who enjoys beating up everyone in sight.

Meanwhile, on the outside, Santos (Lamas) and his girlfriend Jay'me (Hughes) are diamond thieves and they know Malachi has the secret that would lead to a valuable cache of diamonds. So they assemble a team to break Malachi out of prison. They better do it fast, because Malachi just may be on the chopping block. It all comes to a head during a final battle where all hell breaks loose in jail. Will Malachi be the fourteenth Dead Man? And who is this mysterious Cornbread character we've heard so much about? Could he be the key to everything?

13 Dead Men is the perfect movie to watch if you enjoy watching Mystikal repeatedly punch people.

Of course, while some people may argue that that's not the true meaning of the cinematic arts, we would humbly suggest that for 13 Dead Men II that they bring on board Kurupt, C-Murder, Silkk The Shocker, Mr. Ballin Big and others and do a "Black Expendables" sort of thing. It could be huge.

As a director, Art Camacho is a great stunt coordinator. He delivers "urban" action on a very low budget this time around. The artwork (and a lot of the plot) may remind you of Half Past Dead (2002), but instead of Seagal and Ja Rule, we get Lamas and Mystikal. What's the saying? Six of one, half-dozen of the other? Although the aforementioned Kurupt was in Half Past Dead. Couldn't they get him for this?

Anyway, the main problem with 13 Dead Men is that it's a "prison plot" we've seen countless times before. It's more or less a Broken Bars (1995) for the 00's. Or maybe a Bloodfist III: Forced to Fight (1992), Death Warrant (1990), In Hell (2003), Vendetta (2015), etc., etc. It has the same old evil warden we've all come to expect. None of the above could ever match the majesty of Tony Zarindast's Hardcase and Fist (1989). That's the best of the bunch. It has Warden Borden and Beano. So what hope does 13 Dead Men have?

That being said, it is an epic of shirtlessness. There are many shirtless men in this movie, many of which are not in the best of shape. Even Mystikal whips off his shirt at the drop of a hat. Overall, though, the problem with prison films is that they primarily take place in one location. One drab, visually uninteresting location. So things start to get repetitive quick. The main problem with 13 Dead Men is that it's not only very repetitive, it's also relentlessly stupid. A lot of what we see is overlaid with the Godsmack/Linkin Park-esque musical stylings of a band called Crucial Element. If anything dates the movie to 2003, it's that. And we were having a hard enough time trying to decipher the semi-intelligible Mystikal. It was a rocky time back then.

With just a little less repetition and slightly more intelligence, 13 Dead Men could have risen above the morass of all the other Homie Movies. Lamas does what he can but there's only so much any one man can do, even him. As it is, you'd really have to be a fan of any of the personnel involved or an ardent devotee of the Homie Movie genre to want to go out of your way to check it out. Sadly, we honestly can't recommend 13 Dead Men otherwise.

Hardcore prison flick

[filmz2004 · 10/10 · 13 February 2004]

I didn't know what to expect with a pairing of Lorenzo Lamas and Mystikal but I rented the DVD anyways and man was I surprised. The film didn't waste any time in getting to the point. Having seen some of Mystikal's previous work I was pleasantly surprised at how great he was in this movie. He came off very natural as an actor. The script was pretty good although there were several holes in it but it kept things moving. The directing and action were pretty good. The best thing about the movie is that all the characters seemed pretty real with a couple exceptions like the warden who seemed to be very stiff. There are some real cool exchanges between the characters and their initial introductions in the movie are great. They weren't all good or all bad like characters seem to be in most B films. The only real complaint I have is that it seemed extremely low budget, but overall it was worth the rental.

Prisoners vs Guards in Martial Arts Action

[rockoforza · 7/10 · 11 March 2013]

This movie takes place in a corrupt prison where the warden is a psycho, the guards are killers and the inmates are used and abused. The plot follows two con men: Caj, a black street thug played by rapper Mystikal and Malachi, played by latino martial arts fighter Ashley Tucker. Caj spends most of his time establishing his dominance by dispensing brutal beatings to the baddest white cons he can find, while Malachi, who won't reveal the location of some stolen diamonds the warden wants, is repeatedly punished by the warden's chief goons -- Torres and the 6'2, 300 lbs muscleman, Crandall.

When the guards can't break Malachi, the warden arranges for Caj to use his talent for dealing out pain to make the latino talk. The crowd of cons goes crazy when Malachi arrives for the fight pumped and shirtless, revealing a powerfully sculpted body, while Caj, likewise stripped for action, flaunts his chiseled black physique. They fight to a draw and, later, become friends when Malachi promises Caj a cut of the diamonds.

Outside the prison are Santos and his crew who also want the diamonds. Santos is played by action star Lorenzo Lamas. Lamas looks great here, trim and muscular and his fight scenes are crisp and authentic. His plan is to break into the prison, free Malachi and recover the diamonds. Stealthily, they infiltrate the prison, taking out the guards one-by-one until the warden discovers them and sounds the alarm. Crandall finds one of Lamas's crew and, after a savage fight, snaps his neck. Finally, Lamas finds Malachi's cell and frees him and Caj. In an awesome fight with the hulking Crandall, Lamas avenges his dead buddy by using a metal chair to bring down the big man, breaking his neck with a satisfying crack. Payback continues when Caj beats Torres to death and the warden meets his end at the hands of Malachi. Though there are some surprises, the fights tie up all the loose ends.

Prison movies are only as good as the guys with the muscle to play the cons and guards. Here Mystikal uses his physicality to dominate the yard; while Tucker lets his body do the talking every time he takes off his shirt. The guards, especially the impressive Crandall, are as badass as the cons. Finally, Lamas proves again why he was always in demand for these action roles.

13 Dead Men is a fast paced Urban action drama.

[barbiefor1 · 10/10 · 21 January 2004]

From the opening titles over colorful graffitti to the stark prison cells, 13 dead men delivers. I was sucked into the film from the get-go. The cinematography was very stark and it had a gritty feel to it. When all others are doing their rendition of "Hong Kong cinema" this film took a hundred eighty degree turn and went "Old school" with its fight action. The Director opted for hand held rough and tumble action that made it feel real. The characters were well defined with a true sense of purpose which is a rare treat since most characters in films of this genre are one-dimensional. The overall direction of both the drama and action is very stylish. Mystikal was one of the shining lights in this film. He outdid himself in this one as an actor. In spite of the low budget feel to it, the movie is really enjoyable.