The Squid and the Whale (2005)
Jeff Daniels: Bernard Berkman
Photos
Quotes
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Bernard Berkman : How do you know they were both Frank's?
Ms. Lemon : Well, I suppose it's possible other kids are masturbating and spreading their semen around the school as well... It's possible, but, uh, somewhat unlikely.
Bernard Berkman : Oh, it happens, I'm sure, much more than we know.
Joan Berkman : Bernard, have you ever done anything like this?
Bernard Berkman : I'm not going to answer that.
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Bernard Berkman : What is it about high school, you read all the worst books by good writers.
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Bernard Berkman : Put me in your mouth!
[as he tries to force Lili to give him a blowjob]
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Bernard Berkman : Ivan is fine but he's not a serious guy, he's a philistine.
Frank Berkman : What's a philistine?
Bernard Berkman : It's a guy who doesn't care about books and interesting films and things.
Bernard Berkman : Your mother's brother Ned is also a philistine.
Frank Berkman : Then I'm a philistine.
Bernard Berkman : No, you're interested in books and things.
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Bernard Berkman : Hey - Watch it!
Frank Berkman : Suck my dick, ass man...
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Joan Berkman : You're living with a twenty-year-old.
Bernard Berkman : It's none of your business, Joan.
Joan Berkman : It's my business when you have our kids! It's confusing for them. Frank says Walt's in love with her.
Bernard Berkman : Walt has a girlfriend. Fuck off, Joan. I don't ask about you and Ivan. Stay out of my life. I can't believe you'd talk to me like this. You left all those fucking ticket stubs and letters lying around! You wanted me to know. It was fucking torture, Joan! FUCKING TORTURE!
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Bernard Berkman : Joan, let me ask you something. All that work I did at the end of our marriage, making dinners, cleaning up, being more attentive. It never was going to make a difference, was it? You were leaving no matter what...
Joan Berkman : You never made a dinner.
Bernard Berkman : I made burgers that time you had pneumonia.
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Bernard Berkman : She's a very risky writer, Lili. Very racy. I mean, exhibiting her cunt in that fashion is very racy. I mean Lili has her influences in post modern literature, it's a bit derivative of Kafka, but for a student, very racy. Did you get that it was her cunt?
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Lili : [they kiss] Why did you stop?
Bernard Berkman : I'm your teacher.
Lili : You know, I've always wondered what it'd be like to fuck you.
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Joan Berkman : I'd appreciate it if you didn't... tell him about things like Richard.
Bernard Berkman : My father told me you called him.
Joan Berkman : I did, yeah.
Bernard Berkman : He said you, uh... he said you were upset.
Joan Berkman : Yeah. I wanted to... I like him. You know that. I just wanted to say - I don't know. I just wanted to say hello.
Bernard Berkman : He called me right after. He said, "Bernie, I think you can save your marriage." I told him... I didn't think there was anything else I could do. I did try everything.
[Walks away]
Joan Berkman : Bye, Bernard.
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Frank Berkman : Mom's dating Ivan.
Bernard Berkman : Really? Ivan, back there, Ivan?
Frank Berkman : Yeah.
Bernard Berkman : Are you sure? Why didn't you say something? Why is your mother dating all these jocks? Very uninteresting men.
Frank Berkman : Ivan is very interesting.
Bernard Berkman : Ivan's not a serious possibility for your mother.
Frank Berkman : I think he is.
Bernard Berkman : I don't want to badmouth Ivan. But I don't know what Joan is thinking.
Frank Berkman : I think Ivan...
Bernard Berkman : Frank.
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Bernard Berkman : [Waiting to be taken away in an ambulance after having a heart attack] Degolas.
Joan Berkman : What?
Bernard Berkman : It means "bitch." Don't you remember?
Joan Berkman : You're calling me a bitch?
Bernard Berkman : No, don't you remember the last line of Godard's "A Bout De Souffle"? Belmondo calls Seberg a bitch. "Degolas." We saw it at the Thalia with the Dicksteins. I got you in for the children's price. You were pregnant with Walt.
Joan Berkman : Like six weeks.
Bernard Berkman : I still got you in for a children's ticket. You told me you didn't like Godard. You thought the jump-cuts were -
[He is loaded into the ambulance]
Bernard Berkman : I'd check for the cat behind the ashcans, under the Golodners' stoop!
Joan Berkman : OK.
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Joan Berkman : You're early.
Bernard Berkman : Hi, Joan.
Joan Berkman : Don't feed him the generic stuff.
Bernard Berkman : What?
Joan Berkman : Frank says you're feeding the cat generic food. Get Purina, it's what he likes.
Bernard Berkman : It's the same damn thing, Joan.
Joan Berkman : OK. It's not, but...
Bernard Berkman : He's my cat, too. Remember when he got stuck in the wall in New Hampshire and I rescued him? I know how to handle him.
Joan Berkman : It was a radiator.
Bernard Berkman : What?
Joan Berkman : He got stuck in a radiator. You trimmed your beard.
Bernard Berkman : Yeah, it was starting to get a little feral. You look well.
Joan Berkman : Yeah? Thanks.
Bernard Berkman : Things are good here. Teaching is going well. And I'm playing the best tennis of my life. Maybe that's an illusion, but... it feels that way.
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Bernard Berkman : Don't be difficult
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Bernard Berkman : You'll have to share the bathroom with the boys. They get the upstairs and I have my own.
Lili : That's all right, as long as Walt remembers to pull the seat down.
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Bernard Berkman : Your mum and I, we're going to separate. I've got you tuesday, wednesday and every other thursday.
Walt Berkman : And what about the cat?
Joan Berkman : The cat!
Bernard Berkman : We didn't discuss the cat.