John Cho: Harold Lee
Photos
Quotes
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Harold : Did Doogie Howser just steal my fucking car?
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Harold : So what are you in here for?
Tarik : For being black.
Harold : Seriously.
Tarik : I am serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold : Holy shit! What'd you do?
Tarik : I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold : I'm sorry, I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this.
Tarik : Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
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Freakshow : What the hell are you doing with my wife?
Harold : Y-you said outside that we could have sex with her!
Kumar : Shit! Shit!
Freakshow : I most certainly did not!
Harold : Yes you did!
Freakshow : Did not!
Kumar : Yes you did!
Freakshow : Oh, no, I didn't.
Kumar : You did, you did.
Freakshow : You sure...?
Harold : You said it!
Freakshow : [laughing] My mistake! Well, since we're all here... How 'bout a four-some?
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Burger Shack Employee : Ding-dong! May I interject for a second? As a Burger Shack employee for the past three years, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving White Castle, the burgers here just don't cut it. In fact, just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one... just makes me want to burn this motherfucker down. Come on, Pookie, let's burn this motherfucker down! Come on, Pookie! Let's burn it, Pookie! Let's burn this motherfucker down! Let's burn it down! Let's burn it! So you guys maybe should just suck it up and go to White Castle.
Kumar : You can always get your work done in the car.
Harold : Let's do it.
Kumar : All right. Awesome. Then listen, listen - no matter what, we are not ending this night without White Castle in our stomachs. Agreed?
Harold : Agreed.
[shakes Kumar's hand then gives him pound]
Burger Shack Employee : Wise choice. You guys might have wanted to stay away from our special sauce tonight. Me and Pookie, we added a secret ingredient. I'll give you a hint. It's semen.
[Harold and Kumar show disgusted look, employee then bursts out laughing]
Harold : [Smirks] Semen.
Burger Shack Employee : Animal semen.
[Harold and Kumar scream and drive off as fast as possible]
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Harold : Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?
Neil Patrick Harris : Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible "X" - next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving car. I've been trippin' balls ever since.
Kumar : That's crazy, dude. We've been having a pretty crazy, night, too. We've just been driving around looking for White Castle but we keep getting sidetracked.
Neil Patrick Harris : Yeah, dude, you fascinate me. Forget White Castle, let's go get some pussy!
Harold : Huh?
Neil Patrick Harris : It's a fucking sausage fest in here, bros. Let's get some poontang, THEN we'll go to White Castle.
Kumar : No, Neil, you don't understand. We've been craving these burgers all night.
Neil Patrick Harris : Yeah, I've been craving burgers, too. Furburgers. Come on, dudes, let's pick up some trim at a strip club. The Doogie line always works on strippers.
[sings]
Neil Patrick Harris : Lapdance...
Kumar : [pause] There's a gas station. I'm gonaa see if I can get some directions.
Neil Patrick Harris : You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood.
[they park, pause]
Neil Patrick Harris : Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...
Kumar : Look, chill.
Harold : We'll be right back, Neil.
[they exit the car]
Harold : Dude, what is the deal with Neil Patrick Harris? Why is he so horny?
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Kumar : [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you?
Harold : Kumar?
Kumar : Hey, are the cops still here?
[cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park]
Harold : What the hell are you doing?
Kumar : I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park.
Harold : Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for?
Kumar : I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers.
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Kumar : Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car?
Neil Patrick Harris : Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Prick.
Neil Patrick Harris : [looks down to count money] Here's 50 for the meal, and 200 for the car.
Harold : What happened to my car?
Neil Patrick Harris : I made some love stains in the back. You'll see...
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Harold : I want that.
Kumar : What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold : No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling!
Kumar : Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Harold : We gotta go to White Castle.
Kumar : YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude!
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Goldstein : Sorry, kids. We ain't goin' nowhere. We're watching The Gift. Supposedly Katie Holmes shows her titties in this movie.
Harold : Is that all you Jews ever think about? Tits?
Rosenberg : Katie Holmes is a nice, respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm gonna see her boobs.
Goldstein : Oh man, the things I would eat out of her ass... you have no idea!
Rosenberg : Ugh! That is a completely disgusting and vulgar statement.
Goldstein : So is, "I wanna bang Britney Spears on the bathroom floor," but it's true.
Rosenberg : [shrugs; beat] Touché.
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Kumar : [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell?
Harold : What smell? Kumar...
Kumar : [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen]
Harold : Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you...
[Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana]
Harold : Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here!
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Harold : Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.
J.D. : Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?
Harold : Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D. : You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!
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Harold : [awakening from dream after being hit on head] What the hell are you doing? Gawd!
Kumar : You been out cold for the past half an hour. I figured maybe if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up.
Harold : If you did some gay shit? What kinda - where are we? Didn't we come here on a cheetah? Where's the cheetah?
Kumar : It ran away. Listen, forget about the cheetah, okay?
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Kumar : [whispering to Harold] Check out those boils on his neck! You gotta look! One of them is actually pulsating!
Harold : [whispering] Will you shut up? He's right next to me! He can hear you!
Kumar : [whispering] Ugh! Now there's some sort of Puss! Just look!
Harold : [Harold looks at Freakshow's neck]
Kumar : [whispering] See? Isn't that the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?
Harold : [whispering] You think that just because you're whispering he can't hear what you are saying? He's two feet away from us! He can hear this entire conversation! He can hear me talking... right now!
Kumar : [whispering] Don't worry about it, he can't hear anything. Not with all that crust in his ear.
[brief pause]
Freakshow : I heard everything you said.
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Harold : So what are you in for?
Tarik : For being Black.
Harold : Seriously.
Tarik : I am being serious. You wanna know what happened? I was walking out of a Barnes & Nobles, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a Black guy robbed a store in Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So, he starts beating with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest.
Harold : Holy shit! What did you do?
Tarik : I said, " I understand that I am under arrest. Now please stop beating me."
Harold : I don't understand how you can be so calm about this.
Tarik : Look at me. I'm fat, Black, can't dance and have tow gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense in getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus, I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy.
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Harold : [about to ride cheetah] This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried.
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Harold : Is there... is there a problem, Officer... Palumbo?
Officer Palumbo : Is there a problem? Have you heard of jaywalking?
Harold : Yes, I have. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again.
Officer Palumbo : That's great. I'm writing you up a ticket.
Kumar : A ticket? Are you serious?
Officer Palumbo : Who the fuck are you, shitwad?
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Harold : Harold: Thanks, for helping us out.
Freakshow : [Long Pause]
Freakshow : ...Oh no problem at all, I seen you two stranded out there. Alone. In the darkness.
Freakshow : [Under his breath. While staring at Harold] I said to myself.
Freakshow : [Short Pause]
Freakshow : What would Jesus do?
Freakshow : [Takes hands off the steering wheel and starts clapping and singing]
Freakshow : Goin' down to Georgia, gonna get myself baptised, gonna get myself baptised In the puddle of the looooooorrd.
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Kumar : [notices the ticket fee] $220? Are you crazy? Excuse me, Officer sir! Let me just take a few guesses here!
Harold : [stands in front of Kumar, pleading to the officer] I'm really sorry for this...
Officer Palumbo : No sudden movements! Back it up!
Kumar : You were probably the big asshole in high school, right?
Officer Palumbo : Absolutely right.
Kumar : And you used to pick on guys like us everyday for fun?
Officer Palumbo : With pleasure.
Kumar : But then graduation day came! We went to college, while you went nowhere. And then you began to think to yourself, "Gee. How can I still give them grief? Oh, I know, I'll just become a cop." Yeah? Well, congratulations! Your dream has come true! Now, why don't you just take this quiet little Asian guy with the American name that treats you so well and give him some more tickets or better just take him to jail.
Officer Palumbo : Even better.
[to Harold]
Officer Palumbo : You're going downtown thanks to your friend here.
Kumar : [to Harold, mockingly] Oh, great American name, Harold!
Harold : [lunges his fist toward Kumar, but misses and strikes Officer Palumbo in the face] Yaaah!
Officer Palumbo : Huh.
[spits his gum out, angrily]
Harold : [placed in jail with a blank expression on his face] Oh, shoot.
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Harold : [upset after seeing his colleague having fun after he told him that he had extra affairs he has to attend gave him his current assignment lying] What the fuck is going on here? 2:... Never mind me. What the fuck are you doing here?
Harold : I thought you and J.D. were busy all night with clients. Isn't that why I had to do your work?
J.D. : Henry, what the hell's going on?
Harold : Back off, cock boy.What I said to him goes double for you.
J.D. : Did you just call me cock boy?
Harold : Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling because you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
J.D. : You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well, I've got news for you. I am quick enough... cock boy!
Billy Carver : Listen, Harold, I'm really sorry.
J.D. : Don't bother with him. We'll take it up with Berenson tomorrow.
Harold : What are you gonna tell Berenson? That I'm your workhorse? That you guys think you can party all weekend,
Harold : leave the work to the quiet Asian guy in the office?
Billy Carver : No, you don't understand.
Harold : No, you don't understand.
Harold : I'm not doing your work for you anymore.
Harold : And if either one of you douche bags, ever tries to pull this shit again, I'll go to Berenson myself.
Harold : I'll tell him what's really going on. And I'll tell the whole office. how you both caught gonorrhea from that prostitute in Atlantic City.
Harold : If you'll excuse me, boys, I gotta get going. Kumar.
Harold : See you boys at the office on Monday.
Harold : Excuse me.
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Harold : I want 30 sliders, 5 french fries, and 4 large cherry cokes.
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Kumar : Now we're in Newark, of all places. You know we're gonna get shot.
Harold : Maybe it's not as bad as they say. Maybe it's just a bunch of hype.
Kumar : Check it out. Those guys look like a lame version of us.
[2 guys get jumped and beaten with a 2x4 and other weapons]
[assailants stop beating up 2 guys, look up and pause, then continue with the assaults while the 2 men lay on the ground moaning]
Harold : Let's get the fuck outta here. Go! Go! Drive! Drive!
Kumar : Yeah, that was your fault.
Harold : Fuck you.
Kumar : Fuck you.
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Harold : [after Kumar's rude intervention] I apologize for my friend here, we had a really tough night. I'm really glad you're here. You ever heard of the show, Doogie Houser, MD?
Officer Palumbo : Yeah, I know the show. God, I love that show! Doogie. Ha.
Harold : Neil Patrick Harris stole my car tonight.
Officer Palumbo : [Points his pen at Harold] Hey! NPH wouldn't do that, all right? Now let me see some I.D.
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[Harold and Kumar are playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to see gets to have sex with Liane first]
Liane : Um, sorry, but if you boys want me you have to do me at the same time.
Harold : Huh?
Liane : C'mon! Give me the double stuff!
Kumar : I'm not sure we quite understand, Liane.
Liane : I want you both inside me simultaneously.
Kumar : One hole or two?
Liane : Whatever you want.
Harold : Sorry. No, thank you.
Kumar : Dude, if it's two holes it might not be that bad. Shuck on anus!
Harold : Forget it! I don't want our balls rubbing against each other.
Kumar : What, are you kidding?
Harold : No way! Forget it!
Kumar : How about blow jobs? Can we get blow jobs?
Liane : [Liane ponders for a moment] Well, ok.
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Cole : This is America, dude. Learn how to drive.
Extreme Sports Punk #1 : Better luck tomorrow.
[the skateboard punks laugh at Harold, while Cole gives Harold the middle finger]
Harold : Fucking assholes!
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Harold : [to Maria in elevator, after seeing luggage at her feet] Sure got a lotta baggage.
