Monsturd (2003 Video)

Paul Weiner: Sheriff Duncan

Quotes 

• Sheriff Duncan : So how's about that chili cook-off? Word has it you're a shoo-in for first place this year.

  Waitress : Flattery will get you everywhere, Tom. I hear Cajun Charlie's whipping up a batch of his ass-kicking, bowel-bomber con carne.

  Sheriff Duncan : Shit, Cajun Charlie ain't got nothin' on you, honey.

  Waitress : You old sweet-talker, how about taking a dozen glazed old-fashioned when you go? I know Dan and Rick like 'em.

  Sheriff Duncan : How about you sit on my face and make me look like a glazed donut? Ain't no cop worth his badge that doesn't take your donuts home honey.

  Waitress : Any time, honey.

• Waitress : I hear tell Jack Schmidt escaped from Hardell last night and disappeared into the sewer.

  Sheriff Duncan : I wouldn't exactly say he disappeared... he got shot by a Federal Marshall... he fell into a vat of boiling acid and all the skin was ripped off his body.

  Waitress : So he's dead then?

  Sheriff Duncan : Yup.

• Sheriff Duncan : Hey Donny, give me another drink.

  Donny : Tom, that's number five. Is something on your mind?

  Sheriff Duncan : Hu Flung Pu.

  Donny : What?

  Sheriff Duncan : Never mind, it's just a little stupid joke we used to say as kids.

  Donny : So who was it?

  Sheriff Duncan : Who was what?

  Donny : Hu Flung Pu.

  Sheriff Duncan : You know, that's what everyone wants to know...

• Deputy Rick : [Talking through the ventriloquist puppet]  Hey dude, wanna smoke a doobie?

  Sheriff Duncan : So who's this fella?

  Deputy Rick : This here's "Donnie Doper." Dan and I were making him up as part of the new anti-drug program we'll be preaching to the elementary school this week.

  Deputy Dan : Thought it would be an interesting way to reach out to the kids. Rick made him up like a junky scumbag!

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can end up just like me! A smelly, unemployed, dope smokin' dickweed, living off other people's spare change, and shooting up in public restrooms! Heh heh, groovy!

  Deputy Dan : Ha, little punk.

  Deputy Rick : [Talking through Donnie]  You can't do shit to me, you pigfucker!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : What'd you say to me, you little punk-bitch? You got something to say to me?

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : Yeah! I got rights, man!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : Oh, you want some rights? I'll give you some fucking rights! You have the right to remain silent!

  [Talking through Donnie] 

  Deputy Rick : I want a lawyer!

  [Talking normally] 

  Deputy Rick : You want a fucking lawyer? How about this?

  [slams Donnie against the wall] 

  Deputy Rick : What? How do you like that? You really think that's fucking funny, hippie freak? You fucking...

  [slams Donnie against the wall again] 

  Deputy Rick : Huh? Yeah? You got a problem with that, mother fucker?

  [slams Donnie on the desk] 

  Deputy Rick : Goddamn piece of shit! You...

  [starts incoherently swearing while beating Donnie with a flashlight, while Dan and Duncan look on awkwardly] 

• Sheriff Duncan : What in the hell could of done that?

  Agent Hannigan : I don't know, I don't even want to guess.

  Sheriff Duncan : Okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but you know that old urban legend,you know, with the alligator in the sewer?... Gettin' flushed down the toilet?... And it grows to gigantic proportions...?

  Agent Hannigan : You've been watching too many crappy horror movies, Sheriff.

• Deputy Dan : It looks like we have a 12-13 act in progress, over.

  Sheriff Duncan : A what? Over.

  Deputy Dan : It's a new code for chasing a man down into a sewer tunnel. Rick didn't think we had one, so he uh... made one up.

• Agent Hannigan : That bacteria must have leaked from DuTech Genetics. I know this sounds impossible, but it seems like it somehow mutated Jack Schmidt's genetic makeup when he was down there in that tank.

  Sheriff Duncan : I liked the alligator in the sewer, better.