This movie was one that all our local churches gathered for a viewing when it first came out. IMDb has the release year to be 1971, but, we must have been seen it before it was officially released, because I was 5 years old when I saw it the spring or summer of 1969. I remember screaming and hiding my face in Daddy's shirt. It was the SINGLE most terrifying movie that I watched as a child. Horror movies, viewed as a teen, never left such impression on me as this movie did. It is not such a "scary" show NOW in this day and age, but, at the time, it was not a movie for a child to see. My parents have always apologized when this movie has been brought up in conversation. So, please, keep in mind that, while this movie is okay for older children and up, it is not appropriate for children who have not yet learned the difference between what's real and what's not real.
15 Reviews
You Stupid Little Foo'!
TheExpatriate7009 October 2011
If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horsemen Do is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever made. Intended as a warning of the dangers of communism-and dancing!-the film comes across as a bizarre black comedy, thanks to the ineptitude of Rev. Estus Pirkle and the Ormond family of filmmakers.
The film, made in 1967, argues that communism will overrun the United States within the next two years if there is not a massive turn to fundamentalist Christianity. Mixing shoestring reenactments of communist atrocities with segments of Rev. Pirkle preaching, the film only succeeds as a testimony to the insanity of extreme evangelical Christians.
The presented reasons why America will fall to communism are laughable. Rev. Pirkle cites falling church attendance, sex education in public schools, and dancing-the gateway to adultery! We see these problems through the example of Judy, a wayward girl who, for some reason, still feels the need to go to church. The sex education bit is particularly amusing, with a teacher telling his students about the seven erogenous zones. Somehow, I think I missed that lesson when I went to school.
The atrocity reenactments are hilarious by sheer power of their ineptitude. Horrific human rights abuses took place under communism, but this is not the place to look for a serious examination of them. Rather we are treated to sights such as people slowly dropping to the ground when hit by machine gun fire and boys vomiting because their ears have been pierced with bamboo. However, the most hilarious part has to be when a Russian commissar lapses into an Okie accent while berating a young boy.
I ultimately split on my vote for this one. It's funny, but horribly made, so I gave it a five.
The film, made in 1967, argues that communism will overrun the United States within the next two years if there is not a massive turn to fundamentalist Christianity. Mixing shoestring reenactments of communist atrocities with segments of Rev. Pirkle preaching, the film only succeeds as a testimony to the insanity of extreme evangelical Christians.
The presented reasons why America will fall to communism are laughable. Rev. Pirkle cites falling church attendance, sex education in public schools, and dancing-the gateway to adultery! We see these problems through the example of Judy, a wayward girl who, for some reason, still feels the need to go to church. The sex education bit is particularly amusing, with a teacher telling his students about the seven erogenous zones. Somehow, I think I missed that lesson when I went to school.
The atrocity reenactments are hilarious by sheer power of their ineptitude. Horrific human rights abuses took place under communism, but this is not the place to look for a serious examination of them. Rather we are treated to sights such as people slowly dropping to the ground when hit by machine gun fire and boys vomiting because their ears have been pierced with bamboo. However, the most hilarious part has to be when a Russian commissar lapses into an Okie accent while berating a young boy.
I ultimately split on my vote for this one. It's funny, but horribly made, so I gave it a five.
So bad, but I kept watching
matt-maskill22 November 2019
Religious propaganda (exploitation) film that is so bad, I just could not stop watching. His sermon comes off as a poorly concocted conspiracy theory. I had heard this film was distributed to many churches around the country in the 70s. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at one of those showings back then.
All in all, it is a trainwreck of a movie that is not necessarily satisfying, but watching it gives you the satisfaction of knowing you watched something pretty bad, but has an appealing shock value.
All in all, it is a trainwreck of a movie that is not necessarily satisfying, but watching it gives you the satisfaction of knowing you watched something pretty bad, but has an appealing shock value.
The Christian film from Hell.
EyeAskance30 May 2003
Manson-era social anxieties and rabid pinko-phobia fuel this fire-and-brimstone propaganda film, which just happens to be made by a personnel of sexploitation cinema veterans. It sure as hell won't save your soul, but it might lead you to wonder if prankster hippies spiked the Ogallala aquifer with premium-grade LSD...
According to Southern Baptist preacher Estus Pirkle, if Americans don't begin living lives of Christian purity, then a communist takeover is inevitable...within the next several months(!). Television, alcohol, drugs, sex, and miniskirts are condemned in his thundering sermon, which is vividly illustrated in a number of extremely gory scenes(people senselessly gunned down, women raped, and children being beheaded and having their ears jammed full of shish-ke-bob skewers). And let's not forget the age-old sin of DANCING...we all know what THAT leads to, don't we, you shameless whore....
This is, without question, the most relentless assault on the senses I have ever experienced. No matter what your personal belief system may be, you *will* be nauseated, mortified, perplexed, and delighted watching this hopelessly dated cautionary paranoiac vision...a stultifying and richly rewarding viewing experience.
HALLELUJAH!! A perfect 10.
According to Southern Baptist preacher Estus Pirkle, if Americans don't begin living lives of Christian purity, then a communist takeover is inevitable...within the next several months(!). Television, alcohol, drugs, sex, and miniskirts are condemned in his thundering sermon, which is vividly illustrated in a number of extremely gory scenes(people senselessly gunned down, women raped, and children being beheaded and having their ears jammed full of shish-ke-bob skewers). And let's not forget the age-old sin of DANCING...we all know what THAT leads to, don't we, you shameless whore....
This is, without question, the most relentless assault on the senses I have ever experienced. No matter what your personal belief system may be, you *will* be nauseated, mortified, perplexed, and delighted watching this hopelessly dated cautionary paranoiac vision...a stultifying and richly rewarding viewing experience.
HALLELUJAH!! A perfect 10.
Fidel will bring you candy!
nuhc25 November 2014
Before I get into the review, I must say that the background of this film is interesting. Ron Ormond, a low budget C-grade movie director on the level of Ed Wood, survived a small plane crash with his family. Instead of thinking that maybe he's not a very good pilot, he saw it as a sign from God that instead of making terrible B movies, he must make terrible Christian movies. He teamed up with a preacher named Estus W. Pirkle to make Pirkle's book of the same name into the hour-long sermon that is "Footmen."
From the very beginning, even before watching the film, you know it's going to be terrible, mainly in that the title is too long and unwieldy. It may be OK for the title of a book, but movie titles are usually a lot shorter and to the point. Something Ron apparently didn't learn in film school.
The film itself consists mainly of Estus W. Pirkle giving a sermon in a church while occasional flashbacks show graphic detail of what Pirkle believes will happen if the United States doesn't get Christian enough and allows the commies to take over. From making children run through a stream, numerous shots of dead bodies with ultra-fake blood all over them, teaching children that praying to Jesus doesn't get you candy but praying to Fidel Castro does, dropping people on pitchforks, to shooting Christians leaving a church service, you get the general idea that when the commies come life will be particularly bad for Christians. The beheading scene is particularly hilarious in that not-meant-to-be-funny way of bad movies like this. However, the scene where the child with sticks poked into his eardrums is vomiting is particularly disturbing when you realize they must have really made him vomit for that scene.
And one thing that seems particularly funny is that when the commies come they won't be driving tanks, but they'll be riding horseback. In fact, none of the communist soldiers or officers drove any kind of vehicles at all except for the one white Ford pickup with a gun rack in the back window. And for some reason the commies all have M16 rifles in one scene. I guess living in a communist economy meant shortages of AK-47's so they had to steal rifles from the U.S. military when they invaded.
As far as the technical aspects go, the sound is bad and the color tends to get washed out even in dark scenes. The acting, of course, is particularly atrocious, and the main commie officer can't seem to hold his accent together. Not to mention that the armbands on their uniforms look like something made by children in grade school.
Then of course you have the message, a mixture of paranoia and religion. The basic message that Pirkle gives is that within 24 months (back in 1971), if we don't stop watching Saturday morning cartoons, dancing, and going to drive-in movies, God will leave America and go to Indonesia (strange because that country has a huge Muslim population) and without God living here (that's right, he seems to insinuate that God is an American) the commies will easily take over and start killing Christians. Apparently fundamentalist Christians had a persecution complex even 40 years ago. And of course the only solution is to fill churches with bible-believing people to listen to bible-banging preachers. I just hope they don't all fall asleep during the sermon like some of the people did in this movie.
The writing of this movie is completely horrible, since watching this movie is about as fun as listening to a street corner preacher for an hour. The flashback scenes with the communists persecuting Christians were totally laughable. And of course, what Christian movie would be complete without a come-to-Jesus moment? This movie is hilarious only when you look at it through the lens of what some crazy fundamentalist Christians believe. Of course, nowadays they're not afraid of communists so much as they are Muslims. The old paranoia is still there, only the bogeymen have changed. This movie is worth a laugh or two and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone, even Christians. My condolences to anyone who was forced to watch this at their church group as a child.
The entire movie is available on Youtube, but for a better version look for the version by the Riffing Religion guys who give it an MST3K treatment.
From the very beginning, even before watching the film, you know it's going to be terrible, mainly in that the title is too long and unwieldy. It may be OK for the title of a book, but movie titles are usually a lot shorter and to the point. Something Ron apparently didn't learn in film school.
The film itself consists mainly of Estus W. Pirkle giving a sermon in a church while occasional flashbacks show graphic detail of what Pirkle believes will happen if the United States doesn't get Christian enough and allows the commies to take over. From making children run through a stream, numerous shots of dead bodies with ultra-fake blood all over them, teaching children that praying to Jesus doesn't get you candy but praying to Fidel Castro does, dropping people on pitchforks, to shooting Christians leaving a church service, you get the general idea that when the commies come life will be particularly bad for Christians. The beheading scene is particularly hilarious in that not-meant-to-be-funny way of bad movies like this. However, the scene where the child with sticks poked into his eardrums is vomiting is particularly disturbing when you realize they must have really made him vomit for that scene.
And one thing that seems particularly funny is that when the commies come they won't be driving tanks, but they'll be riding horseback. In fact, none of the communist soldiers or officers drove any kind of vehicles at all except for the one white Ford pickup with a gun rack in the back window. And for some reason the commies all have M16 rifles in one scene. I guess living in a communist economy meant shortages of AK-47's so they had to steal rifles from the U.S. military when they invaded.
As far as the technical aspects go, the sound is bad and the color tends to get washed out even in dark scenes. The acting, of course, is particularly atrocious, and the main commie officer can't seem to hold his accent together. Not to mention that the armbands on their uniforms look like something made by children in grade school.
Then of course you have the message, a mixture of paranoia and religion. The basic message that Pirkle gives is that within 24 months (back in 1971), if we don't stop watching Saturday morning cartoons, dancing, and going to drive-in movies, God will leave America and go to Indonesia (strange because that country has a huge Muslim population) and without God living here (that's right, he seems to insinuate that God is an American) the commies will easily take over and start killing Christians. Apparently fundamentalist Christians had a persecution complex even 40 years ago. And of course the only solution is to fill churches with bible-believing people to listen to bible-banging preachers. I just hope they don't all fall asleep during the sermon like some of the people did in this movie.
The writing of this movie is completely horrible, since watching this movie is about as fun as listening to a street corner preacher for an hour. The flashback scenes with the communists persecuting Christians were totally laughable. And of course, what Christian movie would be complete without a come-to-Jesus moment? This movie is hilarious only when you look at it through the lens of what some crazy fundamentalist Christians believe. Of course, nowadays they're not afraid of communists so much as they are Muslims. The old paranoia is still there, only the bogeymen have changed. This movie is worth a laugh or two and shouldn't be taken seriously by anyone, even Christians. My condolences to anyone who was forced to watch this at their church group as a child.
The entire movie is available on Youtube, but for a better version look for the version by the Riffing Religion guys who give it an MST3K treatment.
Humorously awful godsploitation
wesevans8112 August 2011
Warning: Spoilers
This movie has to be seen to be believed. And that's pretty much the only thing about it that I could recommend to others.
It's shameless godsploitation intended to terrify its audience into submission, thereby converting them to Christianity. For all intents and purposes it's two short films spliced into a single almost-feature-length movie (52 minutes): Film 1 - tedious shots of Estus W. Pirkle preaching to Judy Creech and an otherwise bored audience (during the ending funeral scene, a woman in the background is clearly asleep through the entire shot), and Film 2 - poorly filmed and acted depictions of the horrors of the coming invasion by communists with fluctuating accents. Though the whole thing was filmed in the South, I challenge you to spot a single black person anywhere in the film, despite the fact that the South has a large African American population.
There is little attention to detail. A communist transport truck is clearly some redneck's personal truck, as a gun rack is easily seen in the rear windshield. The communist uniforms look like cheap army surplus uniforms with hammer and sickle armbands made from construction paper. The NUMEROUS dead bodies--many of them children--are just people with red syrup splattered on random parts of their bodies with no regard for where their wounds might be. When people are shot (with no flash or smoke from the gun muzzle) they kneel carefully to the ground rather than drop like any normal gunshot victim would. A news program uses cheap aluminum siding and a random map of the Mediterranean as its background. And in the most hilarious scene, a communist soldier with a Tennessee accent decapitates a mannequin of an 8 year old.
The only thing that looks real is a scene where a child is tortured to the point of vomiting. It looks real because, as far as I can tell, they really did gag the kid and he really did vomit. Classy. And that's not the only example of obvious child endangerment in the production of this movie--there's a scene where several men on horseback charge precariously close to children plodding through a knee-deep creek. I don't trust Ron Ormond's directorial skills enough to believe that he didn't actually endanger those children.
The propaganda is shameless. Basically everything that would be considered "new" to a backwards hick in 1971 is part of the commie takeover (integrated public schools, recent scientific developments, dancing, drive in theaters, sex education, Saturday morning cartoons, etc.) The commie takeover scenes are drenched with the blood of children, while the preaching scenes revolve around a young woman being guilted into Christianity by the death of her mother (played by an actress so decrepit that it's nearly impossible to understand what she's saying). All of this is punctuated by laughable close ups of Cecil Scaife's face, Estus Pirkle's paranoid god-babble, and Judy Creech's overacting.
The movie ends with Judy breaking down in tears over the death of her mother, and Estus Pirkle converting her to Christianity in a manner that even most cult leaders would find creepy, exploitative and manipulative ("Your mother wanted you to surrender your soul to Him, Judy"). This is depicted with such a heavy hand and in such a sanctimonious manner that you can't help but laugh.
But after you laugh, take a somber moment to realize that there really are people out there who believe this insane nonsense with all their hearts. That should make you more afraid than anything depicted in the movie.
It's shameless godsploitation intended to terrify its audience into submission, thereby converting them to Christianity. For all intents and purposes it's two short films spliced into a single almost-feature-length movie (52 minutes): Film 1 - tedious shots of Estus W. Pirkle preaching to Judy Creech and an otherwise bored audience (during the ending funeral scene, a woman in the background is clearly asleep through the entire shot), and Film 2 - poorly filmed and acted depictions of the horrors of the coming invasion by communists with fluctuating accents. Though the whole thing was filmed in the South, I challenge you to spot a single black person anywhere in the film, despite the fact that the South has a large African American population.
There is little attention to detail. A communist transport truck is clearly some redneck's personal truck, as a gun rack is easily seen in the rear windshield. The communist uniforms look like cheap army surplus uniforms with hammer and sickle armbands made from construction paper. The NUMEROUS dead bodies--many of them children--are just people with red syrup splattered on random parts of their bodies with no regard for where their wounds might be. When people are shot (with no flash or smoke from the gun muzzle) they kneel carefully to the ground rather than drop like any normal gunshot victim would. A news program uses cheap aluminum siding and a random map of the Mediterranean as its background. And in the most hilarious scene, a communist soldier with a Tennessee accent decapitates a mannequin of an 8 year old.
The only thing that looks real is a scene where a child is tortured to the point of vomiting. It looks real because, as far as I can tell, they really did gag the kid and he really did vomit. Classy. And that's not the only example of obvious child endangerment in the production of this movie--there's a scene where several men on horseback charge precariously close to children plodding through a knee-deep creek. I don't trust Ron Ormond's directorial skills enough to believe that he didn't actually endanger those children.
The propaganda is shameless. Basically everything that would be considered "new" to a backwards hick in 1971 is part of the commie takeover (integrated public schools, recent scientific developments, dancing, drive in theaters, sex education, Saturday morning cartoons, etc.) The commie takeover scenes are drenched with the blood of children, while the preaching scenes revolve around a young woman being guilted into Christianity by the death of her mother (played by an actress so decrepit that it's nearly impossible to understand what she's saying). All of this is punctuated by laughable close ups of Cecil Scaife's face, Estus Pirkle's paranoid god-babble, and Judy Creech's overacting.
The movie ends with Judy breaking down in tears over the death of her mother, and Estus Pirkle converting her to Christianity in a manner that even most cult leaders would find creepy, exploitative and manipulative ("Your mother wanted you to surrender your soul to Him, Judy"). This is depicted with such a heavy hand and in such a sanctimonious manner that you can't help but laugh.
But after you laugh, take a somber moment to realize that there really are people out there who believe this insane nonsense with all their hearts. That should make you more afraid than anything depicted in the movie.
Truly ridiculous
preppy-314 January 2012
The Reverent Estus Pirckle (no--I never heard of him either) of the Baptist Church lectures a rapt audience on how the communists will be taking over America in the next 24 months! (Considering this film is over 40 years old and communists haven't taken over America I believe the good reverend was wrong). While he's lecturing we are shown "accurate" portrayals of what communists have done in other countries. We get LOTS of views of "dead" men, women and children covered with the fakest blood I've ever seen. The good (sic) reverend tells us about the evils of sex education, Saturday morning cartoons (!!), drive-in movies, dancing (which always leads to sex), alcohol, drugs, magazines, newspapers, books---hell everything! Only Jesus Christ and the Bible will save us. (I guess if you're not Christian you're out of luck).
According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.
According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.
Traumatic to young children
brendakmills18 January 2015
I agree with aagedeppa's review above. I was shown this film in the early 70's as a 8 or 9 year old at church along with my younger sister. I would like to think my parents wouldn't have let me watch if they'd been there but my house was "a kid rides the bus to church" kind. This film traumatized me beyond belief! I will NEVER get the image of the little boy having the stick pushed through his brain and vomiting. I just wonder WTH the adults (deacons, preacher, etc.) were thinking letting small children watch this? Please, no matter what your religious beliefs are DO NOT allow young children to view this film, unless you're willing to part with cash for therapy!!!
over-the-top anti-Communist dystopia wrapped in fundamentalist sermon, all served up by director Ron Ormond
django-15 November 2004
This 1971 feature from legendary exploitation and western writer/producer/director Ron Ormond, teamed with apocalyptic fundamentalist preacher Rev. Estus Pirkle (best known as the source for the Negativeland song "Christianity is Stupid," which is also heard in its original form in this film), is pure over-the-top exploitation film-making at its rawest. Ormond's "dramatization" provide a running commentary on Pirkle's sermon, and also we have the story of a young lady who was making out with her boyfriend, who drops her at church "to keep up appearances," and the lady is moved by the sermon and by guilt to ask for salvation in the climactic scene. It's all edited together in the best agit-prop manner for maximum dramatic effect. Ormond's footage (the majority of the film) about a communist takeover of the United States is so grim and violent in a matter-of-fact way that it still packs a punch today. The semi-amateur quality of the production only adds to its melodramatic effect, in my opinion. This "lecture and dramatization" format was not new to Ormond, as he used a similar technique in PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME, although the theme there was PRO sex education, and the theme here is ANTI sex education. There's a lot of 60s drive-in-style gore here, with knifings, a vomiting child, upclose shootings, impaling by pitchfork, and a decapitated head seen rolling away bloody. Had Ormond edited out the preacher and his commentary, and beefed up the communist atrocity footage and added more of a "plot" to that footage, he could have released this as an anti-communist and gore exploitation film to drive-ins. This is a primitive yet powerful film. As fire-and-brimstone apocalyptic preachers go (and I used to listen to these characters on the radio back in the 70s), Pirkle is impressive, in terms of being melodramatic and pushing every possible emotional-manipulation button that exists. He and Ron Ormond make a perfect pair, and this film is a gem that documents the anti-communist, John Birch Society positions of the 60s and 70s very well, even better than ANARCHY USA, since these dramatizations pack an emotional punch that documentary and newsreel footage do not. Students of cold war history who want to explore the link between anti-communism and fundamentalist religion need not look any further. If you really want to see this, an internet search should turn up a copy for you. No Ron Ormond fan should miss this. Some images, such as the young boy having his eardrums pierced with a stick by a sneering communist flunky so the boy can never again listen to the Gospel (!!!), are not likely to be forgotten by the viewer. I'll try to review the another Ormond/Pirkle collaboration, THE BURNING HELL, in the near future...
MasoChristic Massacre
Pretentious_crap17 February 2009
Warning: Spoilers
If you liked "Blood Freak", you definitely must see this. Though "Blood Freak" did have a storyline, this is pure poorly conceived Christian Fundamentalist propaganda delivered in shameless horror exploitation through the use of vignettes and highly unlikely scenarios.
The "film", or rather 52 minutes of disjointed segments of holy-debauchery is centered around Reverend Pirkle giving a sermon about the horrors of Communism invading the country. This man, can be seen on Youtube in "The Believer's Heaven" discussing the mathematical dimensions of heaven, "yet no mind can conceive of it's properties", while telling his heavenly flock "That everyone will own a mansion, and not have to pay for it". With IFTYWWHD, Rev. Pirkle states that his vignettes are based off true stories in Russia, Cuba and China. But, when one sees the bodies of murdered, bloody, Christian Children, plain as day laying about in the streets, it makes one wonder if these facts are a little stretched-out. Weren't Stalin and Mao a little more discrete about executing people?
As you've probably heard elsewhere, Pirkle tells his flock that the Communists can take over the country in less than fifteen-minutes, but God can defend the USA against Communism only if there is a huge revival, while at the same time he presents them with scenarios of Christians getting murdered because they refuse to give up the faith. Of course the Communists didn't invade, and he never really explained how God will defend the USA. In hindsight this looks like a fantasy dreamed up by boastful fundamentalists who like to imagine themselves being persecuted and tortured for keeping the faith-- how masochistic!
Keep a look out for the actors in the vignettes, you'll see the same faces in the congregation!
You must see this film, more hilarious than any Jack T. Chick tract!
The "film", or rather 52 minutes of disjointed segments of holy-debauchery is centered around Reverend Pirkle giving a sermon about the horrors of Communism invading the country. This man, can be seen on Youtube in "The Believer's Heaven" discussing the mathematical dimensions of heaven, "yet no mind can conceive of it's properties", while telling his heavenly flock "That everyone will own a mansion, and not have to pay for it". With IFTYWWHD, Rev. Pirkle states that his vignettes are based off true stories in Russia, Cuba and China. But, when one sees the bodies of murdered, bloody, Christian Children, plain as day laying about in the streets, it makes one wonder if these facts are a little stretched-out. Weren't Stalin and Mao a little more discrete about executing people?
As you've probably heard elsewhere, Pirkle tells his flock that the Communists can take over the country in less than fifteen-minutes, but God can defend the USA against Communism only if there is a huge revival, while at the same time he presents them with scenarios of Christians getting murdered because they refuse to give up the faith. Of course the Communists didn't invade, and he never really explained how God will defend the USA. In hindsight this looks like a fantasy dreamed up by boastful fundamentalists who like to imagine themselves being persecuted and tortured for keeping the faith-- how masochistic!
Keep a look out for the actors in the vignettes, you'll see the same faces in the congregation!
You must see this film, more hilarious than any Jack T. Chick tract!
Judy, I implore thee! Read the scriptures!
DelVarrick23 August 2006
If Footmen Tire You is the epitome of a cult film. You're not going to find this title on the shelf at your local Blockbuster or Movie Gallery. This is the kind of film that for years lived in near total obscurity only to gain an audience after being promoted through cult fanzines and websites. You can't find this at Best Buy, folks. You have to seek it out through a bootlegger or download a copy. Not because you're trying to cheat 'the man' but because there's simply no other way to obtain it. But the film is certainly worth the effort.
In keeping with the true meaning of a cult film, the original intent of If Footmen Tire usually has nothing to do with why people watch and enjoy it. Originally intended to save the good Christians and the United States from an impending communist takeover, the film is now seen as an over the top example of ridiculous religious propaganda. And rightfully so. Even in an age when communism did have a strong hold on some parts of the world, the scenario presented by If Footmen Tire was still impossible to believe. According to this film, the communist takeover of the United States would be accomplished in only fifteen minutes! Apparently there would be no resistance from either our own military or the vast number of armed civilians. Basically we'd wake up one morning to find ourselves under an evil communist regime. And a hilarious, stereotypical one at that. The evil commies are portrayed by rednecks and good old boys who either can't act at all or ham it up with Bela Lugosi type accents. At times it's difficult to tell who is supposed to induce more fear, the communists or the "strange children" who wear their skirts too short or fornicate at the drive-in. What is intended to be a very frightening film comes across as one of the most hilarious you're ever likely to see. Bizarre scenes of torture which range from improbable to impossible. Inane visions of brainwashing techniques. Wacko interpretations of biblical prophecy. Reminds me a lot of growing up here in the South. Too much maybe.
If Footmen Tire provides more laughs than most comedies ever manage. So do yourself a favor and find a copy on ebay or wherever you can and watch one of the best cult movies ever.
In keeping with the true meaning of a cult film, the original intent of If Footmen Tire usually has nothing to do with why people watch and enjoy it. Originally intended to save the good Christians and the United States from an impending communist takeover, the film is now seen as an over the top example of ridiculous religious propaganda. And rightfully so. Even in an age when communism did have a strong hold on some parts of the world, the scenario presented by If Footmen Tire was still impossible to believe. According to this film, the communist takeover of the United States would be accomplished in only fifteen minutes! Apparently there would be no resistance from either our own military or the vast number of armed civilians. Basically we'd wake up one morning to find ourselves under an evil communist regime. And a hilarious, stereotypical one at that. The evil commies are portrayed by rednecks and good old boys who either can't act at all or ham it up with Bela Lugosi type accents. At times it's difficult to tell who is supposed to induce more fear, the communists or the "strange children" who wear their skirts too short or fornicate at the drive-in. What is intended to be a very frightening film comes across as one of the most hilarious you're ever likely to see. Bizarre scenes of torture which range from improbable to impossible. Inane visions of brainwashing techniques. Wacko interpretations of biblical prophecy. Reminds me a lot of growing up here in the South. Too much maybe.
If Footmen Tire provides more laughs than most comedies ever manage. So do yourself a favor and find a copy on ebay or wherever you can and watch one of the best cult movies ever.
Funny, but incredibly despicable
leonardfranks25 June 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I was checking out Youtube, and I happened to come across the beheading scene from the very end. I have to say, that was one of the funniest things that I have ever seen. The head was so much smaller than the boy's real one, the idea of it made no sense, and man, that communist's voice was all over the place. Then I also saw the reeducation scene (I don't taste any candy...), which was equally terrible, yet somehow beautiful. I was hoping the whole movie would be that amazing. It was. It had me laughing the whole time. All of the skits were truly amazing. The way that newscaster was talking about the pres-uh-dent was astounding. Every scene with that communist guy was great. The reverend was just so almost into his material that you couldn't help being amazed, and the constant montage of corpses just lying around. The torture methods were interesting too, and the bit where the guy has to shoot his mother... priceless. It's a pretty impressive film. However, I do have to take the note that this film represents everything that I hate about evangelical Christians. It has their scare tactics, their bizarre paranoia, their intense knowledge of biblical verses combined with no knowledge of the values the bible stands for. The whole thing feels like the guy believes in some giant sci-fi creature, a lot more like Star Trek's Q than like God. If you'll note, although the preacher says the ten commandments are important, that boy in the beheading sequence is pretty much giving his life for a GRAVEN IMAGE. That really irritated me. So this film is pretty funny, but I still hate every facet of its message. Oh, and by the way, although Stalin, Mao, and Fidel were terrible people, the actual economic system of communism doesn't imply a hatred of religion. It implies a spirit of charity and a love of the trampled proletariat. Another thing that annoyed me here.
This isn't just the best religious movie I've ever seen. It may be the best movie ever made.
BandSAboutMovies21 October 2018
Warning: Spoilers
The title of this film references Jeremiah 12:5: "If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out, then how can you compete with horses? If you fall down in a land of peace, how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?"
The director, Ron Ormond, started his career in vaudeville doing magic, before making B picture Westerns and exploitation films such as Mesa of Lost Women, Untamed Mistress, Teenage Bride/Please Don't Touch Me and films such as 40 Acre Feud, which starred country star George Jones. After that, he spent much of the 1950's writing books with Ormond McGill about magic and psychic belief, such as Religious Mysteries of the Orient/Into the Strange Unknown, The Art of Meditation and The Magical Pendulum of the Orient.
It gets stranger. By the 60's, Ormond moved on to producing roller derby for Leo Seltzer and making films like The Girl from Tobacco Road with cowboy star Tex Ritter and The Monster and the Stripper, an inordinately bonkers film that plays like a variety show packed with exotic dancers, contortionists, rockabilly and a swamp monster played by musician Sleepy LaBeef that was filmed in the studio of a Methodist Church with exteriors shot on location in the Okefenokee Swamp.
Then, well, Ormond crashed his single-engine plane near Nashville and had a Paul on the road to Damascus moment. Soon, instead of making movies that'd play in drive-ins for horny teens, he'd be converting them to the will of God. Yet this movie proves that he lost none of his exploitation edge. After all, his son's godfather was Bela Lugosi. Now, Ormond was woke to the teachings of one Estus Pirkle, who was convinced that America faced its greatest danger from Communism.
In their follow-up to this film, The Burning Hell, Pirkle would speak to the horrors of the afterlife while Ormond matched him with the kind of imagery that could only come from a junk movie pioneer who nearly smashed a plane into the unforgiving Earth. Actually, he crashed another plane in 1970, after finishing The Monster and the Stripper, so two signs from God were enough to get Ormond on board. Because after all, Pirkle would preach hellfire and brimstone like this: "Hell is forever. 10,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 100,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 1,000,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 100,000,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 1,000,000,000 years from now, the inhabitants of Hell will still be sinning, cursing, crying, swearing, and in a pain that no mortal man has to experience now."
But let's discuss this movie because it truly boggles the mind.
As Pirkle reads a sermon, we see an America that is made up of Southern accents and good Christian folks getting decimated by Communists with the worst accents you've ever heard. They force people to renounce their faith, accept Castro as their personal savior and shoot their own mothers when they're not shoving bamboo sticks into children's brains through their ears, making those kids puke all over the place. This entire sequence is shown up close and in person. Christians are shot, stabbed, hung, tortured and murdered. Their children are made to hang them and drop them onto spikes. It'd be frightening if it wasn't so over the top. I've always had the belief that Christians have way better Satanic imagery than most Satanists, as this movie and the Jack Chick tract The Beast have both shown me. But look - don't take it from me. See it for yourself!
This film was often played in churches and in tent revivals, where at the end, there would be an altar call. Supposedly, this movie achieved its goal of saving a million souls, which was now the box office that Ormond was now really concerned with.
Pirkle promised that hundreds of dead bodies would litter the streets of our towns and tens of millions of Americans would be killed by Communists within the next 24 months. He also found the time to shame a good Christian girl who witnessed but had the temerity to wear a mini-skirt while doing so. And he also drops bon mots like "Are you aware that less than sixty years ago there was not one Communist in the world, whereas today Communism controls one billion, one hundred million people?"
I know that I grew up Catholic and that warped me beyond belief, but I really am glad that I never attended any tent revivals growing up. I would have ended up speaking in tongues, handling snakes, drinking poison and saving people with psychic surgery.
Seriously, this movie messed with my mind on a level that Alejandro Jodorowsky could only dream of. This is a movie where Communists machine gun Baptists into a giant unmarked grave as the camera luridly moves amongst the carnage and a small boy says, "Where's my mommy? Where's my daddy?" before another Communist monster with an accent like Dracula demands that the kid step all over a painting of Jesus, which leads to that cherubic child getting beheaded rather than turn his back on Christ and his head tumbles into the ground in dramatic slow motion while a member of the audience within the audience screams and gives up her hippie ways and finds her way back to the Lord while the ghost of her mother cries from an open casket.
The director, Ron Ormond, started his career in vaudeville doing magic, before making B picture Westerns and exploitation films such as Mesa of Lost Women, Untamed Mistress, Teenage Bride/Please Don't Touch Me and films such as 40 Acre Feud, which starred country star George Jones. After that, he spent much of the 1950's writing books with Ormond McGill about magic and psychic belief, such as Religious Mysteries of the Orient/Into the Strange Unknown, The Art of Meditation and The Magical Pendulum of the Orient.
It gets stranger. By the 60's, Ormond moved on to producing roller derby for Leo Seltzer and making films like The Girl from Tobacco Road with cowboy star Tex Ritter and The Monster and the Stripper, an inordinately bonkers film that plays like a variety show packed with exotic dancers, contortionists, rockabilly and a swamp monster played by musician Sleepy LaBeef that was filmed in the studio of a Methodist Church with exteriors shot on location in the Okefenokee Swamp.
Then, well, Ormond crashed his single-engine plane near Nashville and had a Paul on the road to Damascus moment. Soon, instead of making movies that'd play in drive-ins for horny teens, he'd be converting them to the will of God. Yet this movie proves that he lost none of his exploitation edge. After all, his son's godfather was Bela Lugosi. Now, Ormond was woke to the teachings of one Estus Pirkle, who was convinced that America faced its greatest danger from Communism.
In their follow-up to this film, The Burning Hell, Pirkle would speak to the horrors of the afterlife while Ormond matched him with the kind of imagery that could only come from a junk movie pioneer who nearly smashed a plane into the unforgiving Earth. Actually, he crashed another plane in 1970, after finishing The Monster and the Stripper, so two signs from God were enough to get Ormond on board. Because after all, Pirkle would preach hellfire and brimstone like this: "Hell is forever. 10,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 100,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 1,000,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 100,000,000 years from now, every sinner will still be in Hell. 1,000,000,000 years from now, the inhabitants of Hell will still be sinning, cursing, crying, swearing, and in a pain that no mortal man has to experience now."
But let's discuss this movie because it truly boggles the mind.
As Pirkle reads a sermon, we see an America that is made up of Southern accents and good Christian folks getting decimated by Communists with the worst accents you've ever heard. They force people to renounce their faith, accept Castro as their personal savior and shoot their own mothers when they're not shoving bamboo sticks into children's brains through their ears, making those kids puke all over the place. This entire sequence is shown up close and in person. Christians are shot, stabbed, hung, tortured and murdered. Their children are made to hang them and drop them onto spikes. It'd be frightening if it wasn't so over the top. I've always had the belief that Christians have way better Satanic imagery than most Satanists, as this movie and the Jack Chick tract The Beast have both shown me. But look - don't take it from me. See it for yourself!
This film was often played in churches and in tent revivals, where at the end, there would be an altar call. Supposedly, this movie achieved its goal of saving a million souls, which was now the box office that Ormond was now really concerned with.
Pirkle promised that hundreds of dead bodies would litter the streets of our towns and tens of millions of Americans would be killed by Communists within the next 24 months. He also found the time to shame a good Christian girl who witnessed but had the temerity to wear a mini-skirt while doing so. And he also drops bon mots like "Are you aware that less than sixty years ago there was not one Communist in the world, whereas today Communism controls one billion, one hundred million people?"
I know that I grew up Catholic and that warped me beyond belief, but I really am glad that I never attended any tent revivals growing up. I would have ended up speaking in tongues, handling snakes, drinking poison and saving people with psychic surgery.
Seriously, this movie messed with my mind on a level that Alejandro Jodorowsky could only dream of. This is a movie where Communists machine gun Baptists into a giant unmarked grave as the camera luridly moves amongst the carnage and a small boy says, "Where's my mommy? Where's my daddy?" before another Communist monster with an accent like Dracula demands that the kid step all over a painting of Jesus, which leads to that cherubic child getting beheaded rather than turn his back on Christ and his head tumbles into the ground in dramatic slow motion while a member of the audience within the audience screams and gives up her hippie ways and finds her way back to the Lord while the ghost of her mother cries from an open casket.
The Soviets really are gonna take over!
Fallen_angel_kizmet29 July 2007
This movie... It's meaning and it's warning is now useless since the Soviet Union has already fallen and collapsed, but the message of this movie centers around that if we all continue with our lives of smoking, drinking, drugs, wearing mini skirts, and not going to church will cause the Soviets to come and enslave the US population. Pretty much all this is happens to be a Soviet Propaganda film and a pro God film all at once.
NOw I love this movie. I saw it on Google since it's in public domain. Now as you all watch this you're gonna obviously learn that much of this is being overly dramatized and possibly full of lies. Now they claims these account are real, but that's not really verified. but what I"m laughing at is that the film makers are trying too hard to make this film serious, but at the same time it's the funniest damn film ever. It's unintentionally funny, cheesy, and it's like one of those cheesy 70s anti drug films... Except with Communism. I'd recommend watching it this classic comedy. It's only 50 minutes long, and you'll laugh out loud watching it! it's so damn cheesy but so funny. Really intense tho. this is violent in scenes. But watching it you'll be wondering if it was intentionally made to be funny.
And you'll truly believe that everybody in the 70s smoked pot. hahahha, 10 out of 10
NOw I love this movie. I saw it on Google since it's in public domain. Now as you all watch this you're gonna obviously learn that much of this is being overly dramatized and possibly full of lies. Now they claims these account are real, but that's not really verified. but what I"m laughing at is that the film makers are trying too hard to make this film serious, but at the same time it's the funniest damn film ever. It's unintentionally funny, cheesy, and it's like one of those cheesy 70s anti drug films... Except with Communism. I'd recommend watching it this classic comedy. It's only 50 minutes long, and you'll laugh out loud watching it! it's so damn cheesy but so funny. Really intense tho. this is violent in scenes. But watching it you'll be wondering if it was intentionally made to be funny.
And you'll truly believe that everybody in the 70s smoked pot. hahahha, 10 out of 10
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