Ron White: Self
Photos
Quotes
-
Ron White : I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think that bouncing is cool. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch 'Road House' and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. Well, they called the police because we broke a chair on the way out the door, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public-KA! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" Well, he didn't arrest them, instead he made me do a field sobriety test, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[Takes breath]
Ron White : Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.
[pause]
Ron White : Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public-KA.
Jeff : Kinda seems to be a pattern there, Ron.
Ron White : If you knew Morse code, you'd already know that. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.
[Confused, stupid look]
Ron White : And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!
-
Ron White : Some states are trying to abolish the death penalty... my states puttin in an express lane.
-
Ron White : I guess we'd been floating down that river for an hour before I realized everybody's just peeing on themselves. And I thought: "Hell, I'll just pee on myself." Everybody got mad at me. Course, I was in a canoe. Standing up too. Not everybody got mad. A couple people viewed it as a photo opportunity. And I know that cause I got their Christmas card last year. I don't remember it being that *cold* that afternoon.
-
Ron White : I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go,
[audience cracks up]
Ron White : but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do!
[Waits a few seconds]
Ron White : All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough.
[Ron does pantomime of rolling her breasts up like rolling a cigarette]
Ron White : Things that make you go buhhhh!
[Ron shudders]
-
Ron White : Yesterday I'm sitting in a bean bag chair, naked and eating Cheetos.
[pauses while audience cracks up]
Ron White : I was flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton, he's a televanglist from Dallas, and he said this: He said, 'Are you lonely?'
[Ron shrugs]
Ron White : ...Yeah. He said, "Have you wasted half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?"
[Ron takes drink of scotch]
Ron White : This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos!"
Ron White : [Ron dead stops, face frozen] *Yes, sir!* "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second.
-
Ron White : So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"
-
Ron White : [On DeBeer's diamond slogans] The new slogan now is "Diamonds: Render her speechless." Why don't they just go ahead and say it? "Diamonds: That'll shut her up... for a minute."
-
Jeff : If you ever wore a tube top to a funeral home, you might be...
Bill : [Cracks up laughing] Oh my god! I can't believe you just said that!
Jeff : Why, did that happen to you?
Bill : No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
Jeff : Let me guess, one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. We are at the funeral, and we weren't even outside. We were in the church! And the reverend had just finished his eulogy, when we heard, "Psshhh!" And everyone turned to uncle Jack, who was holding a beer, going, "What?"
[cast and audience laugh. Jeff stands up with his cup and walks up to a "casket"]
Jeff : Mama sure looks good, don't she?
[Ron joins him]
Ron White : That ain't Mama.
[Larry joins them]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off.
[Everyone laughs as Jeff, Ron, and Larry sit back down. Larry suddenly gets back up and walks back to the "casket"]
Larry The Cable Guy : Forgot my beer.
-
Soda Vendor : So, who's the actor in this group?
Ron White : Oh, there are no actors. Believe me, this is an actor-free enviorment.
-
Bill : [Bill's joke scene. Bill is told by Jeff that he must tell Here's Your Sign jokes] I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
[Bill laughs]
Bill : I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
Ron White : Hey Bill, tell the one when we were in Buffalo. You know, the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah...
Bill : Oh God. We were doing a show in Buffalo, New York. And we land at the airport, and we go down to get our luggage, and mine didn't show up, which I know happens. So we go down to the lost luggage, where everyone is in *such a good mood!* Who applies for that job? Who says, I want to work in lost luggage? You don't have a good day! It's like a job emptying porta-potties, you're just gonna catch crap all day long!
Jeff : That is beautiful, did you just make that up?
Bill : Yeah. I like to use analogies in my show.
[Larry has a confused look on his face. Bill leans over and stage whispers]
Bill : That's where they compare things...
[Cast and audience crack up. Larry gives his look for a moment again, while Jeff and Bill exchange a high five]
Bill : So, anyway. I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
[Bill gives look to the audience, while Jeff and Ron raise their hands in 'scouts honor']
Bill : I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
Jeff : I hate to stop you, 'cause I know you have so many good ones, but I've got one for you. This happened to me last week. We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
[audience cracks up]
Jeff : I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : [very sarcastically] All right, let me try one of these "Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign ders."
[Bill gives look to Jeff, cause it's his fault]
Jeff : I'm sorry! I did not mean to start this up...
Larry The Cable Guy : No, you knew this! Your next album will go "Aluminum!"
[audience and cast crack up]
Larry The Cable Guy : My grandma, is uh, covered in moles.
[cast and audience crack up; see earlier joke in show]
Larry The Cable Guy : No. My grandma, just re'nly passed away. Hundred and four years old. S'right, but they saved the baby.
Bill : I don't think he's kidding!
[Jeff and Ron also shake their heads]
Larry The Cable Guy : No, my grandma just recently passed away. Hundred and four years old. So, I go up there to the flow'r feller, to get a card, and some flow'rs.
Jeff : Wait, wait. You bought a card, for your dead grandmother?
Larry The Cable Guy : They had 'em there.
Jeff : I know I'm going to regret this. What did it say?
Larry The Cable Guy : [laughing] Get well soon!
[Audience cheers]
Larry The Cable Guy : Anyway, I go to the flow'r feller, and get her flow'rs, and a card. And he asks me what this is for. And I tell him my grandma just passed away, hundred and four years old. And he says, "Ooh, a hundred and four? How'd she die?" How'd she die; she's a hundred and four! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek! Here's your sign!
[audience cheers and claps]
Ron White : Hey Bill, I've got one. My son, Tater Tot, is covered with moles. No, my son, when he was six years old, was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin, to spend a week with his grandparents. I'm putting him on the plane; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane. And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks, "Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane?"
[Ron takes his mike and hits himself in the back of the head, in a "duh" gesture]
Ron White : Nope, I'm gonna pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck! Here's your sign!
Jeff : [after audience stops cheering and clapping] Bill, what do you say you try one?
Bill : Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign! I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
Larry The Cable Guy : Hey, tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Jeff : [pause] Yeah, Bill. Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha-callit.
Ron White : He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions.
Jeff : He a over-achiever.
Larry The Cable Guy : I don't know about all that, but...
[Bill cracks up laughing]
-
Bill : If you've ever opened a beer during a eulogy... you might be a redneck!
[cast and crowd laughs]
Jeff : I'm just guessing one of your relatives.
Bill : My uncle Jack. I swear to you, Jeff, we were sitting... We weren't even outside. We were in the church. The reverend had just finished the eulogy and we heard:
[imitates the sound of opening a can of beer]
Bill : And we look in the back, he's sitting there with a beer and he goes, "What?"
[crowd laughs]
Jeff : [Jeff gets up and starts acting like he is drunk and imagines approaching a coffin during a wake] "Mama looks good, don't she?"
[cast and crowd laughs]
Ron White : [Ron joins him as another drunk relative looking at the imaginary coffin] "That ain't Mama!"
[cast and crowd laugh]
Larry The Cable Guy : [Larry now joins Jeff & Ron as yet another drunk relative and approaches the imaginary coffin] "No, that's her. They just shaved her beard off!"
[cast and crowd laugh out loud]
-
Ron White : I didn't even know they made a 28-button suit.
