Dead Ringers (2002–2007)

Jon Culshaw: Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Ozzy Osbourne, Gordon Brown, The Fourth Doctor, Dermot Murnaghan, Brian Sewell, David Frost, Nick Ross, Simon Schama, Alan Sugar, Dale Winton, Noel Edmonds, Rolf Harris, Phil Spencer, Johnny Vegas, Marcus Bentley, Michael Buerk, Michael Parkinson, Simon Cowell, Terry Wogan, Jeremy Clarkson, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Russell Crowe, Trevor McDonald, Darth Vader, Doug Richard, James Bond, Patrick Moore, Shane Richie, William Hague, Brian Lane, Danny Blue, David Brent, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, John Craven, John Humphrys, John Reid, Judge John Deed, Justin Lee Collins, Richard Whiteley, Robbie Williams, Sam Tyler, Alan Yentob, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlie Edwards, Gil Grissom, Gordon Ramsay, Griff Rhys Jones, Jeremy Kyle, John Motson, Mark Lawson, Maximus Decimus Meridius, Paul Burrell, Ray Winstone, Ricky Gervais, Robert Kilroy-Silk, Robin Hood, Ross Kemp, The Tenth Doctor, Wayne Rooney, Albert Moxey, Bono, Chris Tarrant, Grant Mitchell, Gregory House, Jack Harkness, Johnny Vaughan, Jonathan Pearce, Liam Gallagher, Matthew Kelly, Patrick Kielty, Peter Andre, Piers Morgan, Steve Irwin, Steve McClaren, Tony, Adam Carter, Alan Titchmarsh, Alastair Stewart, Alfie Moon, Ant McPartlin, Arnold Schwarzengger, BBC Ad Man, Baloo, Big Read Bookworm, Billy Connolly, Brian Dowling, Bruce Forsyth, Cameraman, Captain Pugwash, Chippy Minton, Christopher Eccleston's Dad, Colin Murray, Damien Hirst, David Morrissey, Declan Donnelly, Derek Acorah, Doctor Octopus, Dr. Tom Jackman...

Quotes 

• Ozzy Osbourne : [a customer at a chemist wants some echinaecia]  Here, she says she wants a bottle of "Euthanasia" or something...

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : I require passage to Aldershot.

• Fiona Bruce : Welcome to Crime Watch. If this were the Avengers, I'd be Emma Peel.

  Nick Ross : Yes, and I'd be Steed's umbrella.

• George W. Bush : [addressing the US nation]  My fellow Uma Thurmans...

• General : Mr. President, military intelligence advises...

  George W. Bush : I learned a long time ago not to rely on intelligence.

• George W. Bush : [Bush has just imprisoned Big Bird in Camp X-Ray]  How else can the american people know that the next terrorist attack will not come from Al-Qaeda, but will be brought to them by the Children's Television Workshop? God bless pancakes.

• George W. Bush : I have visited foreign land. Its name? Abroad.

• Tony Blair : Well, Kirsty, the new extension on the M25 will run straight through the BBC newsroom.

  Kirsty Wark : But Prime Minister, aren't you just being vindictive against the BBC?

  Tony Blair : Nope.

  Kirsty Wark : Then why are you kicking my leg under the table?

  Tony Blair : Didn't.

• Ozzy Osbourne : Christmas is a time for remembering. So that's me f

  [beep] 

  Ozzy Osbourne : ed.

• George W. Bush : My fellow umbrella stands. I know many of you will be astonisherated that the former Iraqer Defence Minister Sultan Akhmed, who surrendered in Mousehole on Friday, will not be charged with war crimes. But there is a very good reason why the CIA has granted Sultana Bran immunity from prostitution and that is because he has promised to lead us to Saddarm's weapons of mass destruction. What he has already told us about their location explains why we haven't found them. Turns out we've been looking in completely the wrong place. He says to find Saddarm's penguins of mass destruction my troops must first cross Jezaloor Gorge then press deep into the Fanghorn Forest. Beyonce that lies the Bridge of Kazad-dum and the fiery mount of McMordor where he says our quest will be at an end. Just as soon as we find this Gandalf guy, we're all set!

• Fiona Bruce : Hello, and welcome to celebrity Crimewatch, with me, Fiona Bruce. Rhhrrr! Hear me roar!

  Nick Ross : And I'm Nick Ross. If wallpaper could speak, it'd say Hello, I'm Nick Ross.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : [talking to a used car salesman]  Yes, I know it's got six months' road-tax left, but will it take me to Alderaan?

• Ozzy Osbourne : I look like Nigella Lawson with a f**king bad hangover

• George W. Bush : America kick butt. Last one to bomb Syria is a Frenchy.

• [in an inset, "translating" a speech Tony Blair is giving] 

  George W. Bush : America, good. Bad man oblidifried.

• George W. Bush : My fellow Invertabrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth. God Bless Pancakes.

• Kirsty Wark : [on how the P.M. makes vital decisions]  What is the point of all this?

  Tony Blair : Nothing, really. It just passes the time until George starts another war!

• The Fourth Doctor : [talking about the New Doctor]  He goes around with Billie Piper - a fine bit of skirt with a mouth you could lose a submarine in!

• Michael Buerk : A poisoned nerve-gas attack that was scheduled to take place this week on the London Underground is now not taking place, because the Al-Qaeda terrorists involved have all gone out on strike. They claim with the on-going firefighters' dispute, it's far too dangerous to work down there. They may well be suicidal but they're not stupid.

• Michael Buerk : I'm speaking to you tonight on behalf of Newsreaders in Need. Please please please stop making us dress up in leather mini-skirts and mime out-of date show tunes, under the pretext of being a bit zany for charity. It isn't zany, it's bollocks. It's bad enough Andrew Marr looking like a freak all year round, without the rest of us joining in. Please stop it.

• Michael Buerk : Liza Minelli has defended the Picasso-faced pop freak Michael Jackson, saying the singer did nothing wrong by dangling his baby son out of a six-storey hotel window. But there is the suggestion she may have been influenced into making the statement, by the fact that Jackson was hanging her out of a six-storey hotel window at the time.

• Michael Buerk : The organisers of this week's gala, star-studded concert to remember George Harrison say it was such a success, that next week they plan another one, to try and remember who Ringo Starr was.

• Michael Buerk : Tony Blair says that Britain will provide full air cover for the American invasion of Iraq, utilising planes capable of leaving the ground beneath them totally devastated - Concorde. Well, if the tail fin doesn't get them, the other bits falling off will

• Michael Buerk : Just like he did with Brooklyn, David Beckham has now had the name of his second child, Romeo, tatooed onto his back. Here's hoping he calls his next child Kick Me Hard.

• Michael Buerk : MI5 says that Osama Bin Laden may have bought 40 suitcase bombs. What's even more terrifying is that each suitcase comes with its own Celtic Supporter.

• Michael Buerk : Girls Aloud insist that they're going to be selling just as many records next Christmas as they did this one. Well, provided they hang on to their Saturday jobs at HMV they could well be right.

• David Dimbleby : Hello, I'm one of the Dimblebys. It's too soon to say which one, but we are expecting an announcement shortly. The BBC has just received news that a terrible thing has happened. We don't know what this terrible thing is yet, but the Prime Minister has been first to look sincere.

  Tony Blair : A terrible thing has happened, and I am deeply angered, saddened and/or moved. When I find out what it is, I shall be taking tough action and/or extending my sympathies on national television. Earnest cheeks, stern nostrils, I-got-in-before-Ian-Duncan-Smith smile.

  David Dimbleby : Ian Duncan Smith has interrupted his busy schedule to make this statement about the terrible thing.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And the Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy made this statement.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am absolutely appalled by this terrible thing.

  David Dimbleby : And then Ian Duncan Smith said this.

  Ian Duncan Smith : Well, I am totally devastated and appalled.

  Charles Kennedy : Well, I am not only devastated and appalled. I am outraged and shocked.

  Ian Duncan Smith : I am infinitely moved and appalled and shocked recurring with no returns.

  David Dimbleby : And no sombre occasion like this would be complete without a statement from the palace.

  Queen Elizabeth II : My husband and I knew this terrible thing would happen. One just forgot to mention it to anyone.

  David Dimbleby : And now it's time for some pointless conjecture with Professor Robert Nibbs, an expert in terrible things that happen. Professor, what is this terrible thing?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : Well, I have no idea.

  David Dimbleby : Well, that won't stop you answering the question though, will it?

  Prof. Robert Nibbs : No, no, no. Because as I stated in my book 'Terrible Things That Can Happen', I did say that somewhere, at some time, somewhere in the world, something terrible would actually happen, and I've been proved right.

  David Dimbleby : Right... Well, I'm told that we can now return to normal programmes, because although a terrible thing has happened, it was a long way away, and no westerners were involved. Good night.

• George W. Bush : Are you watching, Daddy? My fellow umbrella stands. We got him! After nine months of searching, we finally located where Saddam had been hiding all this time, in a filthy Spiderman in the ground. Discoloring Saddam's whereabouts is a momentous achievement, because this means now we can move to the next stage. Now it's my turn to hide!

• Kirsty Wark : Hello, and welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark, formulated and controlled by Laboratoire Garnier, Paris. The shock felt in the music world when Pop Idol, Will Young, came out has now been echoed at Westminster.

  Ian Duncan Smith : In this new spirit of openness, I feel I too must come out, and admit to the world that I, Ian Duncan Smith, am Leader of the Conservative Party.

  Kirsty Wark : This shock revelation has left millions of Ian's teenage fans heartbroken. I'm joined now by the Prime Minister, Tony Blair.

  Tony Blair : I'm right behind Ian on this. Caring eyebrows, tolerant forehead, compassionate Paul Smith suit. You know, the days when people had to be ashamed that they were a Tory Leader really should be in the past. Some of my best friends are Tories. In fact, all my friends are Tories.

• The Fourth Doctor : I'm going to take a nap. Wake me when I'm Peter Davison. Better still, wake me when I'm Sylvester McCoy.

• The Fourth Doctor : It is true. A Time Lord is forbidden from directly interfering with the affairs of other species.

  Cyberman : That's a likely excuse for refusing to help with the washing up.

• [the Cybermen are showing the doctor their photo album] 

  Cyberman : And this was when we invaded the planet Vogar. And this was when we invaded Kronos. And this was when we invaded Garozone. And this is when we invaded...

  [cut to the Doctor] 

  The Fourth Doctor : Thank God THAT'S over with. Not even the daleks have ever subjected me to anything so ass-paralysingly painful.

• [in a pub with Cybermen] 

  The Fourth Doctor : Do you remember the time I thwarted your plans to invade Gallifrey by scraping a gold badge across Cyber Leader's chest unit? And gold being fatal to Cybermen, it killed him instantly.

  [laughs] 

  The Fourth Doctor : Oh, now that was funny.

  [awkward pause] 

• ITV Announcer : You're watching ITV1, and Celebrity Love Island. It's like the bits you fast forward in real porn.

• George Lucas : Hi, I'm George Lucas; Hollywood's most powerful Ewok.

• Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, how can a picture of you destroying your weapons be so humiliating?

  Gerry Adams : Well, take a look at us, David. I mean, any photo of us is humiliating because we're both of us plug ugly.

  Sir David Frost : Oh, don't run yourselves down. Although you're not exactly Zoe and Spider from Babe Station, are you?

  Gerry Adams : Too right, David. I mean, I don't take a good snap at all. I usually come out as a cross between Oddbod out of Carry On Screaming and an evil Bee Gee.

  Martin McGuiness : You think that's bad? I've got Art Garfunkel's hair, and a beak like Fungus the Boogie Man.

  Gerry Adams : Basically, the pictures have gotta be taken by either Lord Litchfield or Lord Snowdon so that they bring out the Princess Diana in me features. That's the condition.

  Martin McGuiness : Oh, and we get to keep our semtex and our favourite grenades.

  Gerry Adams : Shh!

  Sir David Frost : Gerry Adams, Martin McGuiness, freaks of nature the pair of you, thank you very much.