Memorable quotes for
"Monk" (2002)

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Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.

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Sharona Fleming: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: It's a blessing, and a curse.

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.

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Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming: What doesn't?

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Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Adrian Monk: It kinda does.

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...

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Adrian Monk: That officer out there told me I was dead. I'm not dead, am I?

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Sharona Fleming: How was the dating?
Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming: But you are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.

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Adrian Monk: Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.

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Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly.
Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly?
Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings."
Adrian Monk: Was it any good?
Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was.

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Noelle Winters: Is your wife here?
Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
Noelle Winters: You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet.
Noelle Winters: Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk: Six years ago.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.

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Sharona Fleming: Oh my god, Adrian do you know what Kenny Just did? He took care of all my Parking tickets.
Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.

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Director's Assistant: [astounded] You memorized the play in one viewing?
Adrian Monk: I'm really sorry.

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Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point...

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Heavyset Cop: Where's your bathroom?
Adrian Monk: [closes bathroom door] I don't have one

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later.

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[Nestor and Jose Alvarez are delivering newspapers. Nestor is killed]
Jose Alvarez: Nestor! Why? For a newspaper?

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Adrian Monk: [after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil] Sharona, I really need a wipe. Hurry! Oh, the humanity!

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: Wipe.

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Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian... Monk. You can call me Adrian... Monk.

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Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.

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[Adrian uses a moist towelette to clean home plate]
Boy: [slipping] Whoa!
Adrian Monk: Do-over.

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Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact.

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Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...

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Benjy Fleming: They gave him a wedgie.
Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie?
Benjy Fleming: It's when they pull your underwear up all the way out of your pants.
Adrian Monk: Oh, they called it something different when I was your age.
Benjy Fleming: What did they call it?
Adrian Monk: An 'Adrian'.

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Dr. Charles Kroger: [Dr. Kroger is making a house call because a chimp is loose in Monk's apartment] I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: ...I'm fine...
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, these are all material objects. You can replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or pees on.
Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... chews or pees on...

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Sharona Fleming: That guy took a whizz in the subway. THAT guy just killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: [mumbling] The murderer.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to the commisioner] So, you're going to let a murderer off, because you're afraid to admit YOU'RE BALD?

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Adrian Monk: [about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.

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Adrian Monk: [Monk is talking about Sharona, after she thinks that she is having hallucinations] She's not crazy!

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[Monk is attempting to stop a robbery by pointing a gun at Lester]
Lester Highsmith: Is that a water pistol?
Adrian Monk: No!
[barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk: Maybe... it's scalding! Scalding hot water!

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Adrian Monk: A stop sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming: Yes it is!

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Sharona Fleming: [to Benji] ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.

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Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.

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Adrian Monk: I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.

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Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.

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Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds them up] Birth control pills.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Natalie: [horrified] What's wrong with you?
Adrian Monk: My mistake. These are Tic-Tacs.

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Natalie Teeger: [walking through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth"] Come on, Adrian, it's just like a fun house.
Adrian Monk: What's so fun about fallopian tubes?

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Adrian Monk: I don't even know this woman.

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Housekeeper: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 am.
Housekeeper: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one.
Housekeeper: Until 1 pm?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

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Adrian Monk: [as "The Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: "Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: Toy store.

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Disher: Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me!

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Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.

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Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm one-hundred percent sure that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Ninety-five percent.

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Adrian Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."
Natalie Teeger: That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.

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Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: Pokin' around.
Adrian Monk: You can't *do* that!
Natalie: I can do anything I want. I'm cute.

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[In a squad car, chasing a suspect]
Adrian Monk: Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk: Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!

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Adrian Monk: I mean, he could do alot worse than me for a father. What if he were adopted by... wolves?

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Adrian Monk: [after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!

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[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.

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Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.

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[Monk is babysitting a two-year-old]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.

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911 Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.!
911 Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper.
911 Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper before?
Adrian Monk: Hurry!

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does.
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: No.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [as he's restraining Wright] I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw.
[Stottmeyer spins him around then punches him in the jaw]

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Adrian Monk: Hope is the worst.

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Adrian Monk: Don't rush the Monk.

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[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.

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Adrian Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk: I had to throw some stuff away.

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[as "The Monk"]
Adrian Monk: Secret sauce. Fantastic. What's in that?
Burger Girl: They don't tell us.
Adrian Monk: So it's like a mystery. Ah! The Monk likes mysteries. I'm a detective.
Burger Girl: I think it's Russian dressing.
Adrian Monk: Oh, man! You just ruined it for me.

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[a new detective is solving a case more efficiently than Adrian]
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.

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[repeated lines]
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it. But he did it.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand] What is this thing?
Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pointing to another device] What's that one?
Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

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Adrian Monk: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: He's a vegetable!

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long...
Adrian Monk: Don't ask.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder is she's gone to stay.
Woman: Do the dance, you did a little dance.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone to long, anytime she goes away.
Woman: Turn around I wanna see your tush.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [singing] I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
Woman: Those are different pants, where're the jeans?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [talking] Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
Woman: All you said was, "They don't match".
Capt. Stottlemeyer: They don't match, what doesn't match?
Woman: I don't know, you didn't say.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
Woman: Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: [Capt. Stottlemeyer goes over to Monk and Natalie] You were good.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shut up.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Good.

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Adrian Monk: [in this scene everybody is handing out presents as secret Santas] Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey.
Adrian Monk: Well, Merry Christmas.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, you got me!
Adrian Monk: It's an air purifier, for your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk: Not your house, but houses... like yours, sometimes get a um, odor, that's a... you know sour, or, or very unpleasant kind of stench of... not your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you, Monk.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [captain laughs] Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas to you.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party Alice?
Alice Westergren: How long do these things usually last?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, last year Karen and I left at about 2:00 in the morning and Terry was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me Rhonda" in Spanish.

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Capt. Stottlemeyer: How sure are you about this? And don't give me this 95 percent crap!
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed her husband.
Adrian Monk: [Waits a moment] 95 percent.

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: I just solved the case.

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[repeated line]
Natalie: I'm calling the Captain.

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[repeated line]
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.

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Adrian Monk: That's enough to make me LOL... out loud

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Natasha Lovara: Sergei was a terrible husband, and a terrible ex-husband, but he's an excellent late husband.

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