Mrs Caldicot's Cabbage War (2002)

Frank Mills: Leslie

Quotes 

• [a nurse has just witnessed sounds of passionate love-making followed by Hawksmoor and then Matron leaving the room with their clothing in disarray; Hawksmoor now comes into the dining room where Thelma, Bernard, Leslie, Joyce and Audrey are sitting with their arms folded, disgusted at being served cabbage yet again] 

  Hawksmoor : What is going on?

  [no-one answers him] 

  Hawksmoor : [to Audrey]  Miss Nightingale, why aren't you eating?

  Hawksmoor : [to Leslie]  Mr Hewitt?

  Hawksmoor : [to Thelma]  Is this your influence, Mrs Caldicot?

  [still no-one answers him; they all sit with their arms folded, steadfastly refusing to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : What exactly is the problem?

  Thelma Caldicot : It's rubbish. That's the problem.

  Hawksmoor : This is perfectly balanced dietary cuisine.

  Thelma Caldicot : Oh. Would you like to joins us?

  Hawksmoor : [to Bernard]  Mr Livingstone.

  Bernard : I'm with Mrs Caldicot.

  Leslie : So am I.

  Joyce : So am I.

  Audrey : And me.

  Hawksmoor : [patronisingly]  A missed meal can cause serious medical problems. I hope you're prepared to take on that responsiblity.

  [they exchange glances and reluctantly start to eat] 

  Hawksmoor : Thank you.

  [Hawksmoor turns to leave the room] 

  Bernard : Commander?

  Hawksmoor : Yes?

  Bernard : You're flying low, old boy.

  Hawksmoor : What?

  [Thelma turns to look at Hawksmoor, and smirks. Hawksmoor checks his fly and discovers that it is unzipped from his earlier "encounter" with the Matron] 

  Thelma Caldicot , Audrey , Joyce , Leslie , Bernard : [laugh] 

• Bernard : Hewitt and I have been considering you very carefully, Mrs Caldicot.

  Thelma Caldicot : Have you now?

  Bernard : And we are agreed that you should be asked to join our escape committee.

  Thelma Caldicot : How many have you got?

  Bernard : Just Hewitt and me. I'm the brains, he's the brawn.

  Leslie : So he reckons.

  Thelma Caldicot : So what's the plan?

  Bernard : Tunnelling was the favoured option... and then Hewitt here went and lost the bloody trowel.

  Thelma Caldicot : So now what?

  Bernard : Well, currently we have a plan to kidnap two of the nurses, take their uniforms, and then leave in disguise.

  Thelma Caldicot : I think I've seen the film.

  Bernard : Yes. Well, of course, we realised that we might not get very far before somebody spotted something suspicious, but... well, it would be a breath of fresh air for us.

  Leslie : Now you see why we need some new ideas.