- June: I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, when in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times.
- Amos Hart: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.
- Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five, splits, spread-eagles, back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show we're at the hotel Cicero, the three of us boozin, having a few laughs, and we run out of ice, so I run out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie doing number 17, the spread-eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out; I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.
- Roxie: It'll never work.
- Velma Kelly: Why not?
- Roxie: Because I hate you.
- Velma Kelly: There's only one business where that's no problem at all.
- Annie: I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single, my ass. Not only was he married... oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.
- Mona: I loved Al Lipshitz more than I could possibly say. He was a real artistic guy, sensitive, a painter. But he was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth. Gladys. Rosemary. And Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.
- Velma Kelly: [Rising from the stage alone] 'C'mon Babe, why don't we paint the town... And all that Jazz. I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down... And all Jazz. Start the car I know a whoopie spot... where the gin is cold and the piano's hot. It's just a noisy hall, where there's a nightly brawl... And all that Jazz.
- Liz: You know how some people have these little habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. So I come home from work one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Bernie, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewin'. No, not chewin'. POPPIN'. So I said "If you pop that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head.
- Roxie: You're, THE Velma Kelly. I was there the night you got arrested.
- Velma Kelly: Yeah? You and half of Chicago.
- Billy Flynn: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but if Jesus Christ lived in Chicago today, and he had come to me and he had five thousand dollars, let's just say things would have turned out differently.
- Velma Kelly: I just can't take it anymore. You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!
- [Mama sits up with her hair dyed blonde like Roxie's]
- Velma Kelly: Oh no, Mama, not you, too.
- Velma Kelly: Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky. I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high 'cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear to all that jazz.
- Billy Flynn: Objection!
- Judge: Sustained.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Your Honor, I haven't even asked a question yet.
- Bandleader: Mr. Billy Flynn and the press conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves... almost.
- Roxie: And then I started foolin' around... and then I started screwin' around, which is foolin' around without dinner.
- Roxie: Mr. Flynn!
- [pretends to faint]
- Billy Flynn: Someone open this door immediately!
- Ms. Sunshine: Oh, my God! Roxie! What is it, dear?
- Roxie: Oh! Oh! Oh, no no no. Don't, don't worry about me. Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.
- Matron Mama Morton: Baby?
- Velma Kelly: Shit!
- Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of perjury?
- Velma Kelly: Yes, I do
- Billy Flynn: You also know that it's a crime?
- Velma Kelly: Yes
- Billy Flynn: For example, if you knew this diary was a fake, I'd hate to see you rot away in prison especially since you just won your freedom...
- Velma Kelly: Look, all I know is what I was told!
- Billy Flynn: Oh, so you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?
- Velma Kelly: No. Mama - Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone sent it to her
- Billy Flynn: Someone... did she have any idea who this mysterious benefactor could be?
- Velma Kelly: [Irritated] No, she didn't know!
- Velma Kelly: You know you're really pretty good.
- Roxie: Yeah, that and a dime. What are you doing here?
- Velma Kelly: I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.
- Roxie: Yeah, well, if it was up to you I'd be swinging by now.
- Velma Kelly: Come on, I always knew Billy'd get you off. You should learn how to put things behind you.
- Roxie: Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list. Right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.
- Velma Kelly: You wanted my advice, right? Well here it is. Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client is... Billy Flynn.
- Roxie: What's that supposed to mean?
- Velma Kelly: It means, don't let him hog the spot-light when you're the one they paid to see.
- Roxie: You want some advice, well here's a piece of advice from me to you, lay off the caramels.
- [She winks]
- Roxie: He was trying to burgle me.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: From what I hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the past month.
- Matron Mama Morton: [singing] Don't you know that this hand washes that one, too? When you're good to Mama, Mama's good to you.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: You mean he was dead when you got home?
- Amos Hart: She's got him covered in a sheet and she's telling me this cock-and-bull story about this burglar, and how I ought to say it was me 'cause I was sure to get off. "Help me, Amos," she says, "it's my goddamn hour of need."
- [talking over Roxie's singing]
- Amos Hart: That cheap little tramp. So she's been two-timing me, huh? Well, I'm through protecting her; she can swing for all I care! Boy, I'm down at the garage working my butt off fourteen hours a day and she's out there munching on bonbons and tramping around like some goddamn floozy! Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes? Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I tell ya, there are some things a man just can't take, and this time she pushed me too far. That little chiseler! Boy, what a sap I was!
- Billy Flynn: Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Assistant D.A. Harrison to drop all charges against you in exchange for your testimony?
- Velma Kelly: Why, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.
- Roxie Hart: [singing] Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes we both, oh yes we both, oh yes we both reached for the gun, the gun, the gun, the gun. Oh, yes, we both reached for the gun, for the gun.
- Billy Flynn: You're a phony celebrity and in two weeks no one's going to give a shit about you... that's Chicago.
- Roxie: They LOVE me.
- Billy Flynn: They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged. You know why? Because it would sell more papers!
- Matron Mama Morton: [singing] Let's all stroke together, like the Princeton crew. When you're strokin' Mama, MAMA'S STROKIN' YOU!
- Velma Kelly: Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes... And all that jazz. I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues... And all that jazz. Hold on hun we're gonna bunny hug, I bought some aspirin down at united drug. In case we shake apart and want a brand new start to do that Jazz.
- Billy Flynn: Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle razzle 'em. Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it and the reaction will be passionate.
- Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- Velma Kelly: And then some.
- Bailiff: Take a seat.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please?
- Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?
- Velma Kelly: Yes, it is.
- Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!
- Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!
- Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!
- Matron Mama Morton: As you know I'm here to take care of you. Now if anything hurts you, or upsets you in any way... don't run your fat ass mouth off to me cause I don't give a shit. Now move out.
- Roxie: In the Bed Department, Amos was... zero. I mean, he made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or something.
- Roxie: I'm gonna be a celebrity, that means somebody everyone knows. They're gonna recognize my eyes, my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose.
- [Velma asks Moma how much it will cost her for a phone call]
- Matron Mama Morton: Come on, Vel, you know how I feel about you. You're like family to me, one of my own.
- [pause]
- Matron Mama Morton: I'll do it for fifty.
- Velma Kelly: Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose And all that jazz. Right up here is where I store the juice... And all that jazz.
- Velma Kelly: Oh, you're gonna see your sheba do the shimmy-shake... And all that jazz. Oh, she's gonna shimmy till her garters break... And all that jazz. Show her where to park her girdle. Oh, her mother's blood'll curdle if she'd hear her baby's queer for All that jazz...