2DTV (2001–2004)

Dave Lamb: Charles Kennedy, David Blunkett, Elton John, John Prescott, Michael Portillo, Stephen Byers, Declan Donnelly, Prince Philip, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Graham Norton, Michael Palin, Prince Edward, Prince William, Andrew Marr, Dick Cheney, Martin Keown, Osama Bin Laden, Phil Neville, Pope John Paul II, Prince Harry, Ronaldo, Tom Cruise

Quotes 

• [it is a last supper scene with members of the Labour Party] 

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : And I say after you, my loyal people, I have lead my life, you know a man peace.

  John Prescott : apart for all those wars.

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Yeah, well obviousry. Although I am persecuted, I am confident history will show me as the saviour of mankind.

  David Blunkett : By the time Alistair Campbell's finished re-writing it.

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Yeah alright, what I did was at the bidding of a higher authoray.

  [Cut to heaven, where we see George W. Bush as God] 

  President George W Bush : Hey look at me. I'm Santa Claus. HOO-HOO-HOO

• Prime Minister Tony Blair : But on this night, one of you will betray me for thirty peaces of silver.

  Gordon Brown : That's rubbish Tony. I got forty. Anyway shall we eat?

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : I have orderd five loaves of fishes, enough to feed the five thousand...

  [We hear a belch, and see John Prescott with a fish bone sticking out of his mouth] 

  John Prescott : Well it was a nice starter.

  [clutches stomach] 

  John Prescott : Feels like a second coming. Gang way!

• President George W Bush : General, call off the hunt for Bin Laden.

  General : I thought we already had.

  President George W Bush : I'm going to find him myself

  [ducks under his desk and reveales his Incredible outfit] 

  President George W Bush : with my incredible super hero powers, look i'm invisable where have I gone HEE! HEE!

  General : Sir, I think you need help.

  President George W Bush : You're right, meet Mr. Incredible

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Uhh... This costume is so incredibly tight! You can see my rinckle.

  President George W Bush : No we can't!

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Ahh ha... And I'm you know Elastar Blair, I'll bend over backwards for you George

  [bends backwards and breaks his back] 

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Ahh... me back!

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : No I think it's... I'll be back!

  President George W Bush : So 1

  [points to himself] 

  President George W Bush : , 2

  [points to Arnie] 

  President George W Bush : and 3

  [points to Blair] 

  President George W Bush : , we just need a fourth.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yeah the speedy one!

  Osama Bin Laden : [Digs into the White house]  BWAHA!

  [pauses] 

  Osama Bin Laden : Hang on, this isn't Hawaii

  [realises he's in the White house and screams and then runs] 

  President George W Bush : Hey he's fast lets use him!

• Anthony McPartlin : Oh look out, here comes Jordan!

  Declan Donnelly : Hey, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

  Katie Jordan : Oye! That's not fair

  Anthony McPartlin : [In the year 2050 A.D]  Oh look out... Here comes Jordan!

  Declan Donnelly : I, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

  Katie Jordan : Yeah... That is fair actually.

• Announcer : The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.

  Anthony McPartlin : ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.

  Anthony McPartlin : Bongo-roony!

  Anthony McPartlin : Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?

  Declan Donnelly : [Dec slaps Ant on the head]  Slapa-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And former news caster evicted by phone vote.

  Trevor McDonald : [Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway]  News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!

  Declan Donnelly : Tramper-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And now the weather.

  Declan Donnelly : And now the weather.

  Siân Lloyd : Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.

• Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  More Sleaze, people will start thinking we're the same as the last Goverment!

  David Blunkett : [sounding like Michael Portillo]  That is a ridiculous, outrageous, apprehensive suggestion!

  John Prescott : [sounding like Ken Clarke]  That's absolutely ludicrous!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : [souding like Humphrey The Cat]  Meeoww!

  Jack Straw : [sounding like Douglas Hurd]  Were completely Different!

  Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  We need to get back to basic, I want to set up a Sleaze hotline!

  Gordon Brown : [sounding like Edwina Currie]  Oh No! What we need is a change of leadership!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : Hisss

  [Everybody looks shocked]