Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

Johnny Depp: Sands

Photos 

Quotes 

• Agent Sands : Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?

  Cucuy : I'm a Mexi-CAN

  Agent Sands : Good. Then do as I say.

• Agent Sands : El, you really must try this because it's puerco pibil. It's a slow-roasted pork, nothing fancy. It just happens to be my favorite, and I order it with a tequila and lime in every dive I go to in this country. And honestly, that is the best it's ever been anywhere. In fact, it's too good. It's so good that when I'm finished, I'll pay my check, walk straight into the kitchen and shoot the cook. Because that's what I do. I restore the balance to this country. And that is what I would like from you right now. Help keep the balance by pulling the trigger.

• [after giving Belini $10,000 in cash in exchange for information] 

  Sands : Just for my own edification, I offered you fifty. Why'd you say no?

  Belini : I'm not a greedy man. Not looking to get rich quick. Besides, fifty thousand is a lot for what you wanted me to find out. Could just as well put a bullet in my head as cough it up, see? But ten? Ten thousand is civilized. Ten is something we both can live with.

  Sands : Ten might still be too much.

  Belini : You'd kill me over ten thousand dollars? You wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare.

  [leaves] 

  Sands : [whispers]  Yes, I would.

• Agent Sands : [Hands Belini a lunch box]  I couldn't find a briefcase small enough for 10,000 dollars in cash.

• Agent Sands : Mexico's my beat, and I'm walking it.

• Sands : My name is Sheldon Jeffery Sands. I work for the Central Intelligence Agency. I throw shapes. I throw shapes, I set them up, I watch them fall. I'm living la vida loca.

• El Mariachi : You want me to shoot the cook?

  Agent Sands : No. I'll shoot the cook. My car's parked out back, anyway.

• Jorge FBI : Hey!

  [waves cell phone at Sands and tosses it to him. Sands catches] 

  Agent Sands : You get your man?

  Jorge FBI : One of them.

  Agent Sands : Well, if that isn't inter-agency cooperation, I don't know what is.

  Jorge FBI : See you around.

  Agent Sands : Fuck you.

• El Mariachi : Why me?

  Sands : Frankly, because you've got nothing to live for... and in a way you're already dead and Marquez is the one that killed you so why not return the favor?

• [standing in front of a sightless Sands with a gun] 

  Ajedrez : See anything you like?

  [shoots her in the stomach] 

  Agent Sands : No.

• Agent Sands : Can you hear me now?... Fucking bells...

• Sands : FBI agents never retire, they just take it a little easier.

• Ajedrez : [Sands burst through the door after picking the lock]  You're gonna pay for that cop.

  Sands : Why doesn't my key work any more?

  Ajedrez : It's too small.

• Agent Sands : [In Marlon Brando Voice]  Failure to appear at meetings at designated times will result in forfeiture of protection... protection you will definitely need.

• Agent Sands : Bullfights. Bull hockey. Do you like this? The bull is stabbed, prodded, beaten. The bull is wounded. The bull is tired before the matador ever steps into the ring. Now, is that victory? Of course it is. Want to know the secret to winning? Creative sportsmanship. In other words...

  [He leans forward and taps Cucuy, who triggers a remote control. In the ring, a taser hidden in the matador's clothes goes off, freezing him in place, and the bull tramples him] 

  Agent Sands : One has to rig the game.

• Chicle Boy : Are you going to be OK?

  Agent Sands : I don't know, kid, I don't know.

  Chicle Boy : You will be.

• Agent Sands : Look me in the eyes... and then kill me.

• Cab Driver : Look out there, its a fucking coup d'Ètat.

  Agent Sands : I can't see, fuck-mook. I have no eyes.

• Agent Sands : That spill just cost you your life.

• Agent Sands : I want you to have a bite of my pork.

• [the Barillo Cartel has captured Sands] 

  Agent Sands : I feel its only fair to warn you, that killing me is crossing the line and you will have every single Marine from here to Guantanamo Bay up your keester mister, so just know that.

  Barillo : Fortunately for you, nothing you did is worth dying for. You have only seen too much. We are going to make sure this does not happen again.

  [the Doctor picks up a drill and moves it toward Sand's eyes] 

• Agent Sands : [pulls out a gun]  Have you ever seen one of these? Have you ever used one? Don't ever because, they're very very bad. But right now I need you to aim it at the bad guy who's following us, and shoot him in the head.

  Chicle Boy : Matalo?

  Agent Sands : Oh yeah. Very matalo.

• [El Mariachi takes a piece of pork from Sands' plate and chews it] 

  Sands : Was I right?

  [El Mariachi spits out the piece of pork in disgust] 

  Sands : Hmmm. Guess not.

• Sands : Belini... How long have you and I done business together? A long time. And in a way, I almost, could have the tiniest smidgen of respect for you. Almost. But you need to stop farting around. Now, do you have the information on Barillo or do you not?

  Belini : I have what you need. I'm just enjoying this temporary position of power. That make you nervous?

  Sands : You know that withholding vital information from a federal officer is a serious offence. Especially when that officer has paid handsomely for it and wouldn't think twice about ripping that patch off your eye hole and skull-fucking you to death.

• [the boy in Spanish] 

  Chicle Boy : Is someone following you?

  [Sands just got his eyes removed] 

  Agent Sands : Well, it's a little difficult for me to tell right now, because I'm kinda having a bad day.

  [Slams his head against the wall] 

  Agent Sands : Ouch.

• Agent Sands : [referring to the man that the Boy spots following Sands]  Is he close?

  Chicle Boy : Si.

  Agent Sands : [gives him a gun]  Ok. Smoke him... Smoke the fucker! Send him straight to fucking Broadway.

  Chicle Boy : [hesitates]  No Puedo.

• Agent Sands : [on phone]  Listen, I cannot do everything by myself. I need someone to go in there with me. No! I lost my inside man, probably dead. And Cucuy, greedy turd that he is, has ratted me out and has disappeared. Plus, I'm pretty sure the Cartel's shadowing me. Now, listen. I have got a swell bunch of guys going to intercept Marquez's army, but they've got no guns! Now listen. I want you to understand me. This is no time to screw the pooch because this is supposed to be the big dance number. Hello? Hello, are you there? Ok, ok I'm going to freak right out!

• [Enters the Restaurant and Sits Down] 

  Agent Sands : I will have the puerco pibil and a tequila with lime.

  [Now on the phone] 

  Agent Sands : Yeah, I need a new line. This one's been compromised. Okay? Thank you. I'll be waiting here at La Vaca Volanda...

  [Ajedrez, accompanied by Dr. Guevara and a few Cartel lackeys enter behind Sands. Ajedrez sits across from Sands] 

  Agent Sands : ...that's right, the flying... cow.

  [He hangs up] 

  Ajedrez : You really didn't see it coming, did you?

  [Dr. Guevara stabs Sands in the neck with a needle] 

• [Sands has been captured by the Barillo cartel] 

  Ajedrez : Sorry, baby. I told you I wasn't interested in your little scheme. Too small.

  Agent Sands : [Noticing the bandaged Barillo]  Oh my Christ. Is that Barillo?

  Ajedrez : That's the new Barillo. The old Barillo died in surgery a few hours ago.

  Agent Sands : What kind of cartel would have you running its operations?

  Ajedrez : I'm his daughter.

• Sands : Sometimes a revolution is exactly what is needed for cleaning out the system. One giant enema, which just so happens to be my area of expertise.

• Agent Sands : [after Belini finishes his story about El Mariachi]  Well... that is truly unbelievable.

• [Sands prepares for a gunfight with the CHicle Boy's help] 

  Sands : [lets go of the Boy]  This is it, kid.

  [pause] 

  Sands : I don't hear you running.

  [the Boy leaves] 

• Agent Sands : Why? Why would I want that? Why would I want bubblegum?

• Agent Sands : [searching Belini's dead body]  Where is it? I know it's on you somewhere... all right, time to get messy.

  [he pulls on a rubber glove and reaches for Belini's trousers, then pauses and lifts Belini's eye-patch, finding a piece of paper wrapped in plastic] 

  Agent Sands : Well, I guess I should thank you for not sticking it up your ass. However...

  [reaches into Belini's pants anyway] 

  Agent Sands : You're about a quart low.

• [first lines] 

  Agent Sands : I never heard of him.

  Belini : Who?

  Agent Sands : The man you recommended.

  Belini : The guitar fighter?

• Agent Sands : [talking about El Mariachi]  Does it have a name?

  Cucuy : We call him "El". As in "the".

  Agent Sands : I know what it means, thank you.

• Agent Sands : I want you to put the hurtin', so to speak, on Marques after he's killed the president. Savvy?

• Sands : Oh yeah, things may get a wee bit dangerous there sugarbutt so... can you dig it?

• Sands : You're a good rat. I like you.