Jeffrey Bernard Is Unwell (1999 TV Movie)

Peter O'Toole: Jeffrey Bernard

Quotes 

• Jeffrey Bernard : It takes longer to get a drink in here than it does to get a refund out of the inland revenue.

• Lady with questionnaire : Do you have time off from work because of drinking or has your work performance suffered because of alcohol?

  Jeffrey Bernard : The situation is very much the reverse. Work frequently interferes with my drinking.

• Jeffrey Bernard : Of all the characters that stuck in my mind, I think I can do better than an Umbrella-Loser!

• Jeffrey Bernard : I once complimented him on how healthy his horses looked. He said "That's because they don't stay up all night playing cards and drinking vodka!"

• Jeffrey Bernard : It always surprises people that I'm a domestic animal. I cook, I clean, I sew, I reap!

• Jeffrey Bernard : Women should carry a Government Health Warning: "Women are bad for your brains, genitals, bank accounts, and good standing among your friends."

• Jeffrey Bernard : They always say they mean well. Hitler probably meant well...

• Lady with questionnaire : Have there been family quarrels because of your drinking?

  Jeffrey Bernard : I believe there was a *tremendous* row in 1934 over whether I should be fed Nestle's or Cow and Gate.

• Lady with questionnaire : And are you becoming irritable, testy and difficult after drinking?

  Jeffrey Bernard : You must be joking. I am impossible!

• Jeffrey Bernard : And if anybody tries to say "You only get out of Life what you put into it", I may well kill them.

• Jeffrey's Girlfriend : When I first saw you in the pub, I thought to myself, what's this handsome man doing surrounded by rogues?

  Jeffrey Bernard : [aside]  Apart from her suspect eyesight, she's answered her own question.

• Jeffrey Bernard : Last week, I had an erection. I was so amazed, I took its photograph.

• Jeffrey Bernard : What puzzles me is what on earth did my four wives think they were getting when they married me. I mean you can see a train when it's coming.

• Jeffrey Bernard : [fixing himself a Bloody Mary]  The merit of these things is that you can persuade yourself you're having breakfast.

• Jeffrey Bernard : I brought the secret of masturbation to my classmates like Prometheus stealing Fire from Olympus!

• Jeffrey Bernard : [running a book]  They think I'm stupid and I think they're stupid. We are taking the piss out of each other!

• Jeffrey Bernard : It was a case of like calling to like.

  Penpal : There's nothing more they can do to me. If it weren't against everything I've been taught, I'd call it happiness.

• Jeffrey Bernard : This other student was in detention for running a book. It put gambling up there with sex and smoking, and if it was that bad I wanted some of it!

• Jeffrey Bernard : And Mrs Backbone, silent so far, decides that it's her time to Scintillate.

  Mrs Backbone : Yes! Rather chilly... for this Time of Year...

• Jeffrey Bernard : They would look at me with panicked eyes, as if to say...

  Beardy Man : Please Jeffrey! Don't get pissed, fall asleep and set the bed on fire!

• Jeffrey Bernard : I mean, you can see a Train when it's coming!

• Jeffrey Bernard : What's that trick Keith Waterhouse used to do?

• Jeffrey Bernard : I for one welcome impotence and wish it would come, so to speak.

• Drinking Friend : [Cat racing]  We'll make it a handicap race.

  Jeffrey Bernard : How... do you propose... to do... that?

• Jeffrey Bernard : There you stand, in your Prime and not too far from your Peak, and they just don't see it!

• Jeffrey Bernard : And then I woke up one morning with the strange conviction that it was all going to be different!

• Beardy Man : Do you know, if I hadn't met you, I might have ended up... keeping bees!

  Jeffrey Bernard : And from then on we called him the Beekeeper.

• Jeffrey Bernard : There was an Elderly Transvestite always hanging on to the end of the Bar, and when anyone complained, she would say...

  Landlady : She was a very brave little woman at the Somme!