Coupling (2000–2004)
Ben Miles: Patrick Maitland
Photos
Quotes
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Patrick : If I don't like a woman, if there's no chemistry, if I'm not attracted to her, then I don't lead her on. I just get out of there.
Sally : Really?
Patrick : Everytime, before she *even* wakes up.
Sally : So you do have sex with them, then?
Patrick : Well, there's no need to be cruel, is there?
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Patrick : Sometimes a man must choose between the right way and the wrong way... and misses by one.
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[Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts]
Susan : Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?
Patrick : The right one.
[to others]
Patrick : Trust me.
Susan : Why? What's wrong with the left one?
Patrick : Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
Susan : Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
Patrick : You were asleep! I was bored!
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Sally : [finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box."] This is an engagement ring.
Patrick : Yes it is.
Sally : An engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend?
Patrick : Yes, Sally.
[pause]
Patrick : You.
Sally : Me?
Patrick : Yes, you.
Sally : Who are you proposing to then?
Patrick : Who do you think?
Sally : I... I...
Patrick : I was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment.
Sally : [Looks around at the mess she made] Fuck.
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Patrick : It was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.
Steve : Happens to us all mate.
Jeff : All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man.
Patrick : The what?
Jeff : Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
Patrick : [chuckle] Terrified pants?
Steve : [gravely] There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick.
Patrick : [face falls] You know about the melty man, too?
Steve : [in a "duh!" voice] We all know the melty man.
Patrick : Who is he?
Steve : The archenemy of trouser confidence.
Jeff : Professor Moriarty. In groin form.
Steve : Darth Vader
Jeff : Without the helmet.
Patrick : [terrified and shocked] What does he do?
Jeff : Patrick, you *know* what he does.
Patrick : [looks down] Oh right.
Jeff : You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.
Steve : Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".
Jeff : Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
Steve : Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
Jeff : Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once
[demonstrates]
Patrick : [frowns]
Steve : Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
Jeff : She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?
