Dana Carvey: Critics' Choice (1995 TV Special)

Dana Carvey: Self

Quotes 

• Dana Carvey : I was playing a lot of clubs warming up for this, and I, uh, I played Tahoe, and that was cool. Across the street, Tom Jones was playing. My wife and I went- have you ever seen him? He's such a great singer, but we went to see him, and he's literally... I'm not kidding. He has a THING in his pants, it- it's RIDICULOUS. It's like this, down to his KNEE! And no- he doesn't talk about it, but the whole audience is just STARING at it-

  [open-mouthed shocked look] 

  Dana Carvey : It's, it's Tom and his Jones, I'm telling you! It is, it's obscene! It's insane! My wife had binoculars, "It's moving, honey! It's moving!" It sang a song, y'know...

  [holds mic to his leg while mouthing singing] 

  Dana Carvey : [imitating Regis Philbin]  "Are you ready for this? It was a GIANT PENIS! That's what I'm saying! I'm outta control!"

• Dana Carvey : [discussing the O.J. Simpson murder case]  Now... they say he was framed. Okay. They say he was framed. Now, I know, I've been watching, and I know all about Mark

  [making Nazi salute] 

  Dana Carvey : De Fuhrman! But...

  [audience laughter] 

  Dana Carvey : Um. He's an idiot. But if you look at it technically, he couldn't have acted alone. There's just too many things, too many people would've had to have been involved, and it's hard to comprehend that spontaneous conspiracy. 5:30 AM at South Bundy, someone walks up to you and just says:

  [in sinister voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "We're framin' O.J. You in?"

  [audience laughter/cheers] 

  Dana Carvey : Framing O.J.? I could go to prison, I could risk my entire career, and I really like O.J. But you're right: It's just TOO good. I'm in.

• Dana Carvey : There are those days where you've been up all night, y'know, and you haven't brushed your teeth in a week. Your hair's greasy, stickin' up, big zit in the middle of your forehead, you're puffed out, you look like Lon Chaney. You're sittin' there, and you start to hate your friends without children, 'cause you're completely exhaused. You call up your friends without children and they go,

  [in valley girl accent] 

  Dana Carvey : "God, I slept 'til noon and I'm STILL tired! I think I'll go to Starbucks and get a Frappuccino."

  [in normal voice] 

  Dana Carvey : And you don't even hear them, 'cause you're chasing- "Put it down, no no no no no, put it down, yeah, Frappuccino's good. No no no no no no!"

• Dana Carvey : [discussing the O.J. Simpson murder case]  Then on the other side, the guy like Chris Darden, trying to keep his dignity in this circus, he's a cool guy, y'know, and he gets really mad and he talks so soft, and the veins are poppin' out the sides of his head, he's like: "I think you oughta know that we're gonna file a petition in the State Supreme Court after this case is concluded, for these tactics, and I think you oughta know, I think it's clear." And you just KNOW he goes home and goes, "MOTHER FUCKAAAAA!"

• Dana Carvey : [as audience member]  "Is he gonna do the church lady? Is this his show?"

• Dana Carvey : You wanna know what it's like to have kids? The workload? Adopt a hundred year old man who needs 24 hour nursing care. And then find out, "Gee, my life's really changed!" Imagine that scene:

  [in elderly voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "Wipe my ass! Put on cartoons! You better apply cream, I might get a rash! Guess what? I didn't like what you made from breakfast, I threw it on the floor! You better feed me, I might get cranky! I had a bad dream, I wanna sleep in YOUR bed! I like to stretch out! Guess what? It's naked time!

  [mimes pulling down pants] 

  Dana Carvey : Huh? Ya like it, huh?

  [mimes flicking penis] 

  Dana Carvey : Ping! Where do you think you're going, all dressed up, all fancy? Thought you'd go out to a nice romantic dinner. Well think again! By the time you hit the door, I'm gonna be cryin'! You're gonna feel guilty. So I'm gonna say, sit your ass down, we're puttin' on Pooh Bear! It's a good one, too: Piglet gets lost!"

  [in normal voice] 

  Dana Carvey : Take him to Toys R' Us, he's sittin' there in the car, right:

  [in elderly voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "Buy me that useless piece of plastic."

  [in normal voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "You already have that one."

  [in elderly voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "I don't have that one; I've got Megator. That's Megatee! You can tell, 'cause the index finger's crooked slightly different. Megator, Megatee, Megatai, Megatoo. Every time I click, it's $9.95 to YOU! Now, buy me that useless piece of plastic or I think I feel a tantrum coming on! You gotta ask yourself: Do you feel lucky? You got a choice. You got a choice: You can either pull me outta here kickin' and screamin', snot comin' out of my nose, everybody lookin' at pointin': "Look at those evil parents! I oughta report them! All he wanted was a little toy! OR, you can buy me that useless piece of plastic for $9.95. Now, I'm not a bettin' man, but you've had four hours sleep in the last three days, so I say pull out your Visa, it's everywhere you wanna be!"

• Dana Carvey : My George Bush impression was a slight exaggeration. It's like a spastic Paul Lynde, isn't it?

  [in Paul Lynde voice] 

  Dana Carvey : "I'm the secret SQUAAAAARE!"

• Dana Carvey : [imitating Jimmy Stewart getting a blowjob]  "Yeah... yeah... yeah... Will, Joseph, well that's definitely a pleasurable sen-SATION! That's a humdinger! Would you mind squeezing it a bit? Yeah, don't be afraid of it, it can be your friend. Yeah, yeah, say hello. Well, hello to you, too. Yeah. Just wave at it now, just say "Hi, Mr. Penis!" That's good. Do you have any gum? I don't know where this is going, but we'll just keep doing it. Would you mind saluting it?"

• Dana Carvey : Sting is the hippest name, let's face it. The guy named himself a verb, present tense. 'Cause he's not Stung, and he's not Stinging, he's Sting. Y'know? It's so cool. I admire that. His real name, as you might know, is Gordon, and he changes his name to Sting? Who's got the balls to tell their friends to call them Sting? At one point, he had to remind people:

  [in British accent] 

  Dana Carvey : "Uh, excuse me, from now on, um, would you mind calling me Sting?"

  [in own accent] 

  Dana Carvey : "Fuck you! Yeah, my name's Bite and this is my buddy Scratch. Now get me a beer, Gordy."

  [in British accent] 

  Dana Carvey : "Sorry, two Coors Lights coming right up. I'm gonna grow up and be a rock star, you'll see!"