Roland Rat: The Series (1985–1988)

David Claridge: Roland Rat, Ron Rat

Quotes 

• [Bridge On the River Kwai sketch] 

  Roland Rat : So go and blow up that bridge.

  Ross Davidson : What... What. That bridge?

  Roland Rat : Yeah. Why not?

  Ross Davidson : Because man it's a very, very busy bridge.

  Roland Rat : Year?

  Ross Davidson : It's in Staines. The number 68 bus goes along there.

  Roland Rat : Oh. Don't be stupid. This is the Burmese jungle remember? Look. London Transport doesn't operate in jungles. London Transport hardly operates in London.

  Ross Davidson : Oh year? Well what's that then?

  [the number 68 bus goes across] 

  Errol : It's the number 68 bus.

• Wanda : Isn't Pinkey a wonderful pixey children?

  Roland : No. He's just thick.

• Errol : And have you incidentally heard the terrible news.

  Man : What terrible news?

  Errol : Manchester United lost again.

  Man : Tragic.

  Errol : I also heard that Roland Scrooge is dead.

  Man : Really? How did Chelsea get on?

  Errol : They lost as well.

• [Tale of two Cities sketch] 

  Brian Blessed : I hope this has been worthwhile.

  Roland : Of course it has Bri. You know you're middle aged. You've got a lot of pull.

  Regie : Pull.

  [Pulls the plank] 

  Regie : Done it.

  Roland : Do you realise what you've just done Regie?

  Regie : Cut his head off.

  Roland : Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage.

  [Tuts] 

  Roland : Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all.

• Roland : Right, Brian, all you do now is kneel down and put your head in the hole. Okay. And then we fade out. Yeeaahhh.

  Brian Blessed : If I must. Like this?

  Roland : Yes thank you Brian. Very nice, very nice. Yes. Ha-ha. So this is where I do me big speech. "So die, all enemies, of the revolution." Yeah. "The end". Ha-ha-ha.

  Brian Blessed : Can I get up now?

  Roland : No. Hold it for the fade out.

  Brian Blessed : God I hope this has been worthwhile.

  Roland : Of course it has Bri. You know you're a big draw with the middle aged. You'll got a lot of pull.

  Regie : Pull.

  [Plank comes down] 

  Regie : Done it.

  Roland : Do you realize what you've just done Regie?

  Regie : Cut his head off.

  Roland : Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage

  [tuts] 

  Roland : . Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all. Ha-ha

  [walks off in a hurry] 

  Roland : .

• Darcey : Darcey De-Farcey's Secret of the Worlds Greatest Chefs. And there are still a few copies left you lucky people.

  Errol : I thought you said that you had a warehouse full of them.

  Darcey : Yes. Thank you Errol.

  Errol : No one in their right minds would buy one of them.

  Maureen : I brought one.

  Errol : Exactly. I rest my case.

• Roland : What's your name, love?

  Leslie : Leslie Ash.

  Roland : Ha. Good job your names's not fag. Get it? Fag ash. Yeeeaaahhhh.