The League of Gentlemen (1999–2017)
Reece Shearsmith: Edward Tattsyrup, Judee Levinson, Matthew Parker, Mike King, Pamela Doove, Papa Lazarou, Ross Gaines, Stella Hull, Vinnie Wythenshaw, Benjamin Denton, Bobby Hart, Cathy Carter-Smith, Chris Frost, Dean Tavalouris, Dr Edgar Fish, Dr Singleton Boothby, Geoff Tipps, Henry Portrait, Jeanette Stevens, Joseph Lisgoe, Judith Buckle, Keith Drop, Look North Interviewer, Noel Glass, Olive Kilshaw, Ollie Plimsolls, Patch Lafayette, Peter Foot, Reg Ingleby, Reverend Bernice Woodall, Rich, Sam Chignell, Shirley Shelley, Terry Lollard, Various Characters, Bernice Woodall, Singleton Boothby, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Edward : Hello, hello. What's going on? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.
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Papa Lazarou : Oh. You're my wife now.
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Ross : Home.
Pauline : Royston Vasey.
Ross : Family.
Pauline : Dead.
Ross : Friends
Pauline : Pens.
Ross : [more irritated] Friends.
Pauline : Pens! They're the best friends you can have. Everything I know about people I learned from pens. If they don't work, you shake 'em. If they still don't work, you chuck 'em away, bin them!
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Pauline Campbell-Jones : Just who do you think you're talking to ?
Cathy Carter-Smith : Well according to my report a psychotic 50-year-old lesbian.
Pauline Campbell-Jones : How dare you. I'm 48
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Edward : You people are all alike, You march in here, young! try and touch the local things. I suppose next you'll be spraying me with one of those cans of paint, smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.
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Pamela Doove : [shouts] Eskeewd beef! Have anybody got any bokkle oran doove?
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Ross : This is my report. It has everything I need for your immediate termination, and believe me, I'm gunna push for that.
[reads from report]
Ross : Use of abusive and threatening language...
Pauline : Oh, come off it.
[Ross pulls out a dictaphone]
Pauline : [on tape] You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you coming in? Sit up straight you bone-idle lazy cunt!
[pause]
Pauline : What was that?
Ross : That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.
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Phil : What people forget is gays are normal, regular, healthy guys.
Olly Plimsoles : Dykes on the other hand are evil.
Dave : Ollie!
Olly Plimsoles : Picture the scene, you arrive home early to find your wife Linda in bed with another man. Only it's not actually man. It's a big fat lezza smoking *my* pipe and wearing my slippers!
[Phil tries to calm Ollie down]
Olly Plimsoles : [shouts] Don't touch me, you poof! Anyway, what was I saying? Tolerance is an important issue...
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Edward : We don't bother the outside world, we don't want it bothering us.
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Val : [reading the house rules about scissors] Black for paper, chrome for string, the blue ones from this hook do swing. We keep them clean, don't be mistaken for kitchen jobs like trimming bacon.
Benjamin : Well, that's fine. I need to meet Martin...
Val Denton : Then there's the towels. White for hands, brown for feet, green for torso, thighs and seat. And in the cupboard beneath the stair...
[Harvey enters]
Harvey Denton : ...you'll find the red for pubic hair.
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Reverend Bernice Woodall : [reading the bible] And he will give strength to legs that are weak and arms that tremble. The crippled will throw down their crutches and leap up and down in praise of his grace. Huh. Doesn't say they need five car parking spaces outside safeways now does it? They're always empty, I only nipped in for five minutes to get a bottle of taboo! I come out and the bugger's clamped. I said to the man, would it have made a difference if I had a stick and a limp? Ramps outside libraries, AND THEIR TOILETS ARE MASSIVE! Hymn number 513: Glad that I live am I!
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Geoff Tipps : God he's bloody deaf, him.
Mike Harris : Well, you know what they say, Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : What?
Mike Harris : [mumbles]
Geoff Tipps : Eh?
Mike Harris : [mumbles]
Geoff Tipps : I can't hear you!
Mike Harris : I said "bummers are deaf!"
[laughs]
Geoff Tipps : Ah, it's a good one, that.
Mike Harris : I fell for it and all.
Brian Morgan : [Brian catches up] Sorry lads, I was getting that table for tonight.
Geoff Tipps : Here, Brian. You know what they say, don't you? Bummers are deaf.
Brian Morgan : What do you mean?
Geoff Tipps : Well, they're deaf, aren't they? Bummers are deaf!
Brian Morgan : I don't know what you're on about, Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : Well I don't! Mike said it. He was really laughing.
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[arguing over the disposal of Mike's body]
Geoff Tipps : What are you doing ?
Brian Morgan : I'm making him a cross.
Geoff Tipps : Oh, great idea. Why not put a sign on the back saying, "Body buried here".
Brian Morgan : Well, they will find him anyway.
Geoff Tipps : Yeah, and when they do we'll say that wolves did it.
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Papa Lazarou : Nice to see you again Dave, all grown up.
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Geoff Tipps : Well, things finally started going my way ladies and gentlemen. In 84 both our mothers got badly sick, mine, thank God, she got better. But yours DIED didn't she Mike? Didn't she?
[Mike, in great pain and sorrow nods]
Geoff Tipps : Yeah, I won that. At least I won the mums!
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Edward : I used to be in a war. And I put paid to quite a few like you, this is a decent town and a local shop, there's nothing for you here.
Tubbs : Tell him I can't have babies anyway. Tell him my insides are all wrong.
Edward : Go on then, take the precious things of the shop, burn down our home,
[shouts]
Edward : rape our dead mouths! Just as long as I don't have to hear any more of your disgusting babble.
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Edward : How much to leave the shop and never come back? Seventy? Eighty? All right a pound.
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Mike Harris : [a good time later] The thing is we're banking on this road but what if it doesn't happen?
Brian Morgan : I thought it was a dead cert.
Mike Harris : Our company needs...
Geoff Tipps : PLUMS!
Brian Morgan : You what?
Geoff Tipps : It's plums, go on.
Brian Morgan : Oh Geoff, it doesn't matter now.
Geoff Tipps : Course it bloody matters! He's right near the end. There's only the Irish man left. Come on Brian. The chief turns to the Irish man, "Death or Mau Mau."
Mike Harris : You didn't do the voice.
Geoff Tipps : Don't matter. Finish it.
Brian Morgan : I can't remember.
Geoff Tipps : Finish it.
Brian Morgan : I can't remember it Geoff.
Geoff Tipps : Please.
Brian Morgan : Geoff. I honestly can't remember.
Geoff Tipps : [crying] It's just a big bloody joke to you isn't it? Oh, Geoff can't tell a joke. Geoff is a joke. Geoff enters a talet competition and loses. Me mam said I would win. I was only eight. WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?
Geoff Tipps : [pulls out gun] Oh you're listening now. Well you, are going to tell this joke.
[looks around him]
Geoff Tipps : And we're all gonna laugh. Or Mike gets it!
[puts gun to Mike's head]
Brian Morgan : All right Geoff. For God's sake, I'll finish the joke. The chief says "Death or Mau Mau", the Irish man looks at his fruit.
Geoff Tipps : PINEAPPLES! THEY'RE...
Brian Morgan : Pineapples! He looks at them and says "I don't think I can stand the Mau Mau, I choose death." And the chief says to him...
Mike Harris : [Geoff cocks the gun] Get it right Brian.
Brian Morgan : He says... I can't remember.
Mike Harris : He says, "Death by Mau Mau."
[pause]
Geoff Tipps : [calmly] Oh, you heard it?
Mike Harris : Yeah.
-
[Iain is being interviewed at a dating agency]
Olive Kilshaw : Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
Iain Cashmore : I'm sorry?
Olive Kilshaw : Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?
Iain Cashmore : I can't really say.
Olive Kilshaw : So, not at all kind to animals.
Iain Cashmore : Well, don't say that...
Olive Kilshaw : No, I've got to take your first answer. Are you quiet?
Iain Cashmore : When?
Olive Kilshaw : In general.
Iain Cashmore : Well, sometimes...
Olive Kilshaw : So quiet.
Iain Cashmore : Don't put that...
Olive Kilshaw : No, I've got to take all your bad points as well.
Iain Cashmore : That's not necessarily a bad point, is it?
Olive Kilshaw : Well, you say that, but you can't get a girlfriend, can you?
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Reverend Bernice Woodall : [conducting a service] "You cowards. You whoremongers. Idolaters, liars. Your place is in the lake of fire and sulphur where you will die the second death. The death that burns and tears for all eternity."
[we then cut and see she is talking to a group of school children]
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Reporter : [on Live TV] Mayor Vaughan thank you very much for your time.
Mayor Larry Vaughan : It's a fucking pleasure.
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Reverend Bernice Woodall : Some people call this "Theatre in Education" - I call it "AIDS in a van"!
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[repeated line]
Reenie Calver , Vinnie Wythenshaw : That Merril!
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Edward : this is a local shop the strangers you would bring would not understand us, our customs, our local ways.
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Judee Levinson : Be careful with that nightie, it costs more than you owe Kays catalogue.
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Ross : Newsagent, police man, carpet fitter, doctor, vet, tennis player, football player...
Pauline : Hold on a second,
[writing]
Pauline : tennis...
Ross : ...solider, spy, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, fisherman, builder, labourer
Pauline : All right clever dick. That's enough now.
[beat]
Ross : And astronaut.
Pauline : PISS OFF.
[leaning in his face]
Pauline : You can shout out as many jobs as you like Ross, you'll never bloody get one, you worthless dole scum.
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Papa Lazarou : You're going to be an elephant, Dave!
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Chloe Denton : If you don't play a game with us, we'll tell daddy on you.
Benjamin Denton : Tell?
Radcliffe Denton : We'll say we came down here and saw you doing something naughty.
Benjamin Denton : Like what?
Chloe Denton , Radcliffe Denton : Shaking hands with the governor of love!
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Papa Lazarou : [reapplying his disguise] I learned from my wives. Each one has something different to offer.
[glancing at Brian]
Papa Lazarou : Yours specialized at curling eye-lashes. Did you even know that? You should have paid more attention to her. I know I did.
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Phil : [another of their plays] When mum said I was autistic, I thought she meant I was good at drawing. But then again, I was never like any of the other boys. They were into football.
Dave : YAY!
Phil : Or girls.
Olly Plimsoles : Phwoar!
Phil : And I liked books and dolls.
Olly Plimsoles : Poof!
Dave : Mary!
Olly Plimsoles : Homo!
Dave : Nancy!
Olly Plimsoles : [tearful] Linda...
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Olive Kilshaw : Oooh, it's like "Cracker" this, isn't it? Why did you force her? Why did you force her?
Iain Cashmore : I didn't force her... I didn't force her...
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Ross : Would you say you were a fairly egregious person?
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Barbara Dixon : As a woman I could have you under the sex discrimination act!
Geoff Tipps : As a woman, we could have you under the trade's description act!
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Papa Lazarou : Want to buy some pegs, Dave?
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Judee Levinson : I wouldn't stone clad my house it would look like a white filling in a mouth full of rotten teeth.
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Edward : Pervert, eh? Sex. On the brain. Wet the bed, I'll bet - as a boy? No sisters.
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Papa Lazarou : Hello Dave.
Woman : I'm sorry?
Papa Lazarou : Is that Dave?
Woman : Oh, I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong house.
Papa Lazarou : Okay, is Dave there?
Woman : No, there's no one called Dave here.
Papa Lazarou : Okay.
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Samuel : [of the Special Stuff] You see Hilary, I know it's wrong... but it just tastes so good.
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Benjamin : You want me to piss into a glass?
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Pauline : Mickey! If you walk out the door, I'll have no option but to stop your benefit.
Ross : She can't do that!
Pauline : Try me.
Mickey : Please Pauline, I feel confident.
Pauline : Well you look ridiculous! I know they put monkeys in space, but do you think they'll have one driving a fire engine.
[Mickey sits down dejected]
Pauline : That's right Mickey love, you stick to what you know, eh?
Mickey : Pauline's right, I am stupid.
Pauline : Right the rest of you, I want you to split yourself into two groups, babysitters and bramble pickers, and we'll look at the next step. Getting an interview.
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Reverend Bernice Woodall : And lo, the scales fell from Saul's eyes, and he finally saw the true light, the way unto the Lord. At least that's what it says here... ;Lord, I am tired. Well, so much for the road to Damascus, what about the road to Royston Vasey we're finally getting? Hallelujah. Let's just hope we don't get a visit from Pog or Loopy, those soap dodging road protesters. Driving round in their converted ice cream vans; pierced belly buttons, pierced eyebrows, pierced tongues... I bet they'd have their arseholes pierced, if they could get their cheeks into the machine. If I had my way, I'd shepherd them all into one of their tunnels knock out all the pit props and see how they like being close to the earth then.
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Reverend Bernice Woodall : I welcome this new road and every blast of carbon monoxide it brings. If God meant us to walk everywhere, he wouldn't have given us little chefs.
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Geoff Tipps : WELL YA KNOW I'VE GOT THIS GUN DON'T YA?
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Chris Frost : CCTV, mirrors, marked notes, security tags they're all tools of the trade and don't be fooled by their sympatheic exterior, be very wary of people in wheelchairs or babies in prams, yes keep an even closer eye on them. Only the other day I caught a 6 month old infant trying to conceal a box of rusks under his blanket, needless to say he met his match that day and I was able to inform the authorities before any more damage was done, Chalk it up!
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Cathy Carter-Smith : A com-pu-ter is like an electronic brain filled with chips. No, not the sort you have in your tea every night...
Mickey : Pauline, she's worse than you.
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Mike King : Look Lance, there's an old saying, once the shit's been shat...
Lance Longthorne : I'll shit you!
[punches him]
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Dr Matthew Chinnery : Reverend, do you believe a man can be cursed?
Reverend Bernice Woodall : Have you met Barbera?
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Chris Frost : She said to me, being a store detective is like being the person who stands up at a wedding. No-one likes doing it, I didn't like doing it, not to my own brother! But nobody likes a cheat.
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Papa Lazarou : Autom-sprou-canda-tickbana-sandwor-budnorsellaswie?
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Stella Hull : Have I ever fantasized about having a threesome? No not since Milli Vanilli split up.
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Stella Hull : If you think I'm sticking digestives down my knickers and calling next doors dog in - you can forget it!
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Stella Hull : Look at him thinks he's John friggin' Travolta, more like John Presscot!
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Pauline : It's about Mickey. He's getting married.
Ross : Oh-ho. The plot thickens. Who is the poor bitch?
Pauline : It's me.
Ross : What?
Pauline : Mickey's asked me to marry him, and I've said yes.
Ross : You and Mickey?
Pauline : Yes.
Ross : The lesbian and the monkey. Sounds like one of Esop's fables.
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Geoff Tipps : Barbara? Are bummers deaf?
Barbara Dixon : I've no idea.
Geoff Tipps : I don't know why I'm asking you, you're a woman.
Barbara Dixon : Not quite, Geoff. They've got to open me up first, along the base of the scrotum...
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Brian Morgan : All right, there's these three fellows.
Geoff Tipps : Yeah, English man, Irish man, Scotchman.
Brian Morgan : And they get lost in the desert.
Geoff Tipps : Jungle.
Brian Morgan : Is it?
Geoff Tipps : Yeah, go on.
Brian Morgan : All right. They get lost in the jungle and they get killed by these cannibals.
Geoff Tipps : Not yet! You've missed the whole bloody joke you idiot!
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Geoff Tipps : Now, just think what the end is. And go back.
Brian Morgan : There's an English man...
Geoff Tipps : Fruit.
Brian Morgan : What?
Geoff Tipps : It's the fruit.
Brian Morgan : [realising] Oh yeah!
Geoff Tipps : He remembers it now.
Brian Morgan : English man, Irish man, scotchman. They get captured by the cannibals and they have to go out into the jungle and pick ten pieces of fruit. So they come back and the chief says, "So Englishman..."
Geoff Tipps : Do the voice!
Brian Morgan : [in voice] "So English man, now you must choose between death or Mau Mau." and the english man says "We English will not bow to you savages, I choose Mau Mau." so they grab him and stick the ten pieces of fruit up his arse...
Geoff Tipps : And what did he pick?
Brian Morgan : Oh, the englishman picked cherries.
Geoff Tipps : [cracking up] Ha ha! Cherries. Imagine that Mike, tnen cherries sticking up your arse, Cherries are only really small though aren't they?
[pause]
Geoff Tipps : Go on Brian.
Brian Morgan : Right, so the chief turns to the scotchman and says "Death or Mau Mau" and... oh. What's the scotsman's fruit Geoff, it it bananas?
Geoff Tipps : No it's smaller then that. Just a sec.
Brian Morgan : Well let's just sa...
Geoff Tipps : It's too big! It spoils the next one.
Brian Morgan : Apples.
Geoff Tipps : No.
Mike Harris : Strawberries?
Geoff Tipps : What, in the jungle?
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Joseph Lisgoe : Pay attention you ignorant bastard! Now, twinkle toes is gonna try and get that money off you. Off you go.
Glenn Baggs : Got that money Mr. Baggs?
Barry Baggs : Yeah, here it is, ten, twenty, thirty...
Joseph Lisgoe : No, no no! It's not as easy as that is it? Put up a fight like they do with you.
Barry Baggs : Err...
Joseph Lisgoe : Never mind, give it back.
Barry Baggs : No.
Joseph Lisgoe : What?
Barry Baggs : Come back Thursday.
Joseph Lisgoe : We're not playing that now, give me thne thirty quid.
Barry Baggs : No, you can't have it. My mam needs it for an operation, she's having her legs replaced.
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Dr Singleton Boothby : All my doors are open to you, Chinnery. Except the ones that are closed.
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Olive Kilshaw : Let me explain how a dating agency works. 95% of the people who come through our doors are weirdos. My boyfriend doesn't like me working here. It's not that he's jealous, I say to him, "You should see the state of some of them!" No, its because he thinks it's depressing for me.
Iain Cashmore : Did you meet him through an agency?
Olive Kilshaw : [laughing] No! I shall tell him that tonight, he'll bloody laugh! No, I met him at a friend's party. You see, you meet people through people, and thats what a lot of them haven't got... friends! And you have to question that, don't you? But enough about me, let's get you paired up. Miracles can happen you know!
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Cathy Carter-Smith : Right. Part one of the idiot's guide to computers. Who can tell me what electricity is?
-
Joseph Lisgoe : Right, you two, this is the last chance saloon. How much money did you pair of clowns collect last week?
Barry Baggs : Err...
Joseph Lisgoe : Six pound! Six bloody pound. And you only found that because it were down the back of a sofa you brung in.
Barry Baggs : Is there any sandwiches?
[Lisgoe throws something at him]
Glenn Baggs : Sorry, Mr. Lisgoe, we...
Joseph Lisgoe : I know what it is. You're as soft as bloddy shite. So we're going to have a bit of retraining or you're out on your arses. You, Fatty Arbuckle.
Barry Baggs : I'm not fat, I'm large.
Joseph Lisgoe : Right, here's thirty quid.
Barry Baggs : Ooh, thanks Mr. Lisgoe I'll get some pop. You want owt Glenn?
