Family Guy (1999– )

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Tricia Takanawa, Barbara Pewterschmidt, Additional Voices, Loretta Brown, Old Lady, Jewish Woman, Woman, Barbara Pewderschmidt, Girl, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Mother, Wife, Asian Woman, Babs Pewterschmidt, Connie's Friend, Crystal Quagmire, Elle Hitler, Ellen DeGeneres, Fat Woman, Fran Drescher, Hooker, Joanna, Julie, Kelly McGillis, Marlee Matlin, Nurse, Receptionist, Stephanie, Stewardess, Voiceover, Woman in Car, Wonder Woman, 37 Year Old Woman, Adoption Agency Receptionist, Alex Borstein, Amelia Bedford-Furthington-Chesterhill, Andrea, Andy Capp's Wife, Angie, Asian Hooker, Asian Kid, Aunt Bee, Aunt Lil, Aunt Marguerite, Baby Heimlich Kid, Band Member #3, Barara Stresiland, Barbara Pewterschmidt as Aunt Beru, Barbra Streisand, Beach Girl #1, Becca, Betty, Black Actress, Black Chick, Black Student, Black Woman, Boy, Boy in K-Mart, Brad's Mom, Brenda, Broadway Actress, Brunette Sitcom Mom, Calvin Klein Model #3, Carol Alt, Catherine Bell, Cathy, Channel 5 News Reporter, Charmisse, Cheerleader #2, Chemotherapy Patient's Wife, Church Goer #2, Classmate #2, Coach, Condoleezza Rice, Customer, Customer #1, Dancy, Deborah Kerr, Deep Sea Trainer #3, Deirdre Jackson, Dharma, Diabeto's Mom, Diana, Dixie Student #1, Dixie Teacher, Dora, ET Announcer, Edith Bunker, Elderly Woman, Eleanor, Ellen, Ellen Barkin, Empire Member's Wife, Erica, European Woman, Eva, Female Announcer, Female CBS Executive, Female Classmate...

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : What's going on?

  Stewie Griffin : We're playing house.

  Lois Griffin : The boy is all tied up.

  Stewie Griffin : Roman Polanski's house.

• Lois Griffin : [to Peter]  Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?

  Glen Quagmire : [from afar]  Giggidy!

• Lois Griffin : Peter, why would they make you president?

  Peter Griffin : Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.

  [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

• Stewie Griffin : Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, can you change Stewie?

  Meg Griffin : Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

• Angry Man : Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.

  Stewie Griffin : What did you just say?

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, stop fussing.

  Stewie Griffin : Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.

  Stewie Griffin : [furiously kicks the seat in front of him]  Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!

• Machine : You have 113 new messages

  [Phone starts to beep] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh my!

  Old Man : Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.

  [beep] 

  Old Man : Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.

  [beep] 

  Old Man : Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.

  [beep] 

  Old Man : Where are you?

  [beep] 

  Old Man : Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.

• Lois Griffin : My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.

  Stewie : I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.

  Brian Griffin : I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, Lois, you are so full of...

  [a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word] 

  Peter Griffin : What? I can't say

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : in my own

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : house!

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : great, Lois! Just

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : great! You know, you're lucky you're good at

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : my

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : a lubed up

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : of toothpaste in my

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : while you

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : on a cherry

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : Episcopalian

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : extension cord

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : wetness

  [horn] 

  Peter Griffin : with a parking ticket. That is the best.

• Lois Griffin : Chris where have you been?

  Chris Griffin : Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.

  Lois Griffin : Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.

  Peter Griffin : [in a very sexy voice]  Hello!

• Lois Griffin : Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!

  Chris Griffin : Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.

  Chris Griffin : But I remember it so...

  Lois Griffin , Peter Griffin : IT WAS A DREAM!

• Lois Griffin : Meg, put your bib on.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want to wear a bib.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.

  Peter Griffin : She means your nipples are sticking out.

• [the audience cheered and applause] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh my god, they liked it?

  [the audience throws Peter flowers] 

  Lois Griffin : Stop it! Stop clapping right now!

  [the audience stopped cheering and applause] 

  Lois Griffin : What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!

  [the audience faced on Peter] 

  Peter Griffin : Um...

  [starts to fart long] 

  Peter Griffin : [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause] 

  Lois Griffin : See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.

• Lois Griffin : [talking to Chris]  We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

  Peter Griffin : She's right, son. Listen to what it says.

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

• Hooker : Hey

  Lois Griffin : Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!

  Peter Griffin : Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement

  [they stand still] 

  Hooker : Where did you go?

• Peter Griffin : Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.

  Francis Griffin : I don't want to be a bother.

  Peter Griffin : It's no bother, is it Lois?

  Lois Griffin : Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.

  Francis Griffin : You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.

  Peter Griffin : You hear that Lois? You love kids.

• Lois Griffin : Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?

  Meg Griffin : It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...

  Peter Griffin : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, she's sixteen.

  Peter Griffin : You KNEW about this?

• Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : No, Chris, honey, we're not.

  Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : No, Chris.

  Chris Griffin : Are we there yet?

  Lois Griffin : Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!

  Chris Griffin : Liar!

• Peter Griffin : Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's enough.

  Peter Griffin : Eats babies.

  [crowd applauds] 

• [watching the sunset] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Peter, I love you.

  Peter Griffin : [looks at watch]  Uhh, about a quarter past five.

• Lois Griffin : [shimmies around]  Remember this? Remember?

  Peter Griffin : Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.

  Peter Griffin : [reaches into shirt and feels chest]  Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.

  [pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it] 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.

  Peter Griffin : [flashback]  I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.

  [Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime] 

  Peter Griffin : I awoke several hours later in a daze.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.

  Peter Griffin : Do... do I rub his nose in it?

• Stewie Griffin : Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...

  Lois Griffin : Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...

  Stewie Griffin : Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!

  Brian Griffin : All right, that's enough!

  [laves the table in disgust] 

  Lois Griffin : Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?

• Peter Griffin : Lois, are you high?

  Lois Griffin : No, I crashed out about an hour ago.

• Lois Griffin : This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.

  Peter Griffin : Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.

• Lois Griffin : Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.

  Death : Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.

• Lois Griffin : Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.

  Meg, Chris : MOM!

  Peter Griffin : OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.

  Chris Griffin : Awwwwwwwwwww...

  Peter Griffin : OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.

  Meg Griffin : Oh, come on.

  Peter Griffin : OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.

• [upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist] 

  Lois Griffin : Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.

• Peter Griffin : Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.

  Lois : Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.

  Lois Griffin : Top drawer.

• Lois Griffin : To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!

• Lois Griffin : Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.

  Brian Griffin : It's only my second glass.

  [takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup] 

• Peter Griffin : Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.

  Lois Griffin : Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?

  Peter Griffin : [singing]  Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.

  [imitates Pee-Wee] 

  Peter Griffin : Hewy Jambi.

  Brian Griffin : [as Jambi the Genie]  Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're acting ridiculous.

  Peter Griffin : [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen]  You said the secret word!

• Lois Griffin : You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!

• Lois Griffin : Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.

  Serf : What you got there, m'lord?

  Peter Griffin : Nothing! Back to your turnips!

• Brian Griffin : Oh, my god, that was hilarious!

  Lois Griffin : What does that say into me? Oh, go

  [beep] 

  Lois Griffin : yourself Diane.

  [Brian spits] 

  Stewie Griffin : She said a swear!

• Lois Griffin : Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?

  Stewie Griffin : Why don't you burn in hell?

  Lois Griffin : Well, no dessert for you, young man.

• [Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal] 

  Lois Griffin : It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.

  [Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food] 

  Lois Griffin : PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.

  Peter Griffin : What a waste. I'm still hungry.

  [Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated] 

  Peter Griffin : Everyone leave. I have to poop.

  [Everyone looks at him] 

  Peter Griffin : NOW.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.

  Peter Griffin : Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to.

  [Everybody wants Peter to take the hat off] 

  Peter Griffin : Get away!

• Stewie Griffin : What the hell is this?

  Lois Griffin : It's your favourite honey, tuna salad.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

• Peter Griffin : [throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door] 

  [shouts] 

  Peter Griffin : I didn't have my hand down my pants!

  Lois Griffin : Good for you.

• Mr. Rogers : Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.

  [bell rings] 

  Mr. Rogers : Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.

  Stewie Griffin : Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.

  Mr. Rogers : W-what the?

  Stewie Griffin : I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.

  Mr. Rogers : What?

  [Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire] 

  Cat : [meowing]  Skin graft!

  [meowing] 

  Mr. Rogers : Oh, my God!

  Stewie Griffin : That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!

  Mr. Rogers : No, please... don't!

  Stewie Griffin : How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.

  Mr. Rogers : No!

  [Stewie shoots him many times with his gun] 

  Stewie Griffin : [wakes up]  Eh, what, what? What the devil?

  Lois Griffin : It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.

  Mr. Rogers : But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.

  Stewie Griffin : [wakes up from nightmare]  Ahh!

• Lois Griffin : I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.

  Brian Griffin : 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.

  [shudders] 

• [Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape] 

  Lois Griffin : $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?

  Peter Griffin : Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money.

  [runs off] 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

  Peter Griffin : OH MY GOD.

  [runs off crying] 

• Lois Griffin : So he just left without saying anything?

  Peter Griffin : All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.

  Brian Griffin : I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.

• Lois Griffin : Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?

  Brian Griffin : Piss off.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Brian Griffin : Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.

• Lois Griffin : We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

  Peter Griffin : Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

  Lee Majors : What? Women are things.

• Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Um... Lee Majors said it.

  Lee Majors : What? Women are things.

• Lois Griffin : Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.

• Lois : Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillow.

• Lois Griffin : Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.

  Peter Griffin : Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

• Brian Griffin : Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about.

  [turns on TV] 

  Lois Griffin : Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs.

  Stewie Griffin : Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, punish Chris.

  Peter Griffin : Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do.

  [Chris begins spanking himself] 

  Chris Griffin : OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.

• Quagmire : Hello there, cutie. How old are you?

  Girl : Sixteen.

  Quagmire : Eighteen? You're first.

  Girl : MOM.

  Quagmire : I like where this is going.

• Chris Griffin : Hey, mom, look at these bananas.

  Peter Griffin : Why you smart little bastard.

  Lois Griffin : Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.

• [a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit] 

  Lois Griffin : How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live.

  [a gunshot is heard from the roof] 

  Peter Griffin : Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.

• Lois Griffin : So how was your day?

  Brian Griffin : My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!

  [pause] 

  Peter Griffin : You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.

  Peter Griffin : Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.

• Peter Griffin : Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh

  Lois Griffin : That was just a loud yelping noise

• Lois Griffin : Why don't you take Joe caroling?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : What?

• [on being the First Lady of "Petoria"] 

  Lois Griffin : I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.

• Lois : You see Meg, I'm like one of those Bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at... but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your

  [oven dings] 

  Lois : ... ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?

• Psychiatrist : Does Stewie have a history of violence?

  Lois Griffin : Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.

  Stewie Griffin : Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.

• Lois : It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".

• Peter : I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO!

  [runs out of the room] 

  Lois : What?

  [Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally] 

• Brian Griffin : I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!

  Meg Griffin : Mom!

  Lois Griffin : Now honey, your face smells fine.

• Stewie Griffin : [pointing a mind-control device at Lois]  Aha, mother. So we meet again.

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.

  Stewie Griffin : Not tightly enough, you see.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life!

  Peter Griffin : That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities".

  Lois Griffin : No, you didn't!

  Peter Griffin : [after long pause]  You win this round, Lois!

• Peter Griffin : [slurring, drunk]  This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, that's a microphone stand.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

• Lois Griffin : Glen, I need your help.

  Glen Quagmire : Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Glen Quagmire : I'd do anything for you.

• Lois Griffin : All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.

  [hands him plastic bags] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!

  [tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit] 

  Stewie Griffin : That's right I'm going to do it!

  [tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit] 

  Stewie Griffin : Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.

• Lois Griffin : [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex]  Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...

  Stewie Griffin : Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!

  [Lois leaves, Brian enters] 

  Brian Griffin : Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?

  Stewie Griffin : Ngg...

  [Stewie nods] 

  Brian Griffin : You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

• [during a romantic dinner] 

  Lois Griffin : [seductively]  You know, I'm not wearing any panties.

  Peter Griffin : Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.

• Lois Griffin : [referring to Peter]  This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

• Glen Quagmire : Hey, Lois, wanna go out?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Glen, I don't know if I'm ready yet...

  [Quagmire looks uncomfortable, then smashes the clock. He changes the time on the clock] 

  Glen Quagmire : Are you ready now?

• Lois Griffin : [Peter's drunk in Massachusetts]  I guess I am free this evening. Want to get drunk and watch a bad movie?

  Brian Griffin : I'll go rent "Vanilla Sky".

  Lois Griffin : I said a bad movie, not an abortion!

• Lois Griffin : Well, good riddance Christian Camp!

  Meg Griffin : Though, I have to say Chris seemed to enjoy himself.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Chris is a bit dumb, and while you're not beautiful or popular, you do have a head on your shoulders. So for people like you and me, Religion is no good, but for idiots like your brother, it's okay.

  Chris Griffin : What are you guys talking about?

  Lois Griffin : How handsome you are!

  Chris Griffin : Aw! Really?

  Lois Griffin : Swear to God!

  [winks at Meg] 

  Meg Griffin : You're a monster!

• Woman on Tape : We're going to add...

  [tape interrupts Lois] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Ahh!

  Lois Griffin : I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.

  Peter Griffin : Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.

  Lois Griffin : These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.

  [starts taking a bathrobe off] 

  Peter Griffin : This is hot.

  Lois Griffin : Turn around.

  Peter Griffin : Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!

  Lois Griffin : Peter, it's okay.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah?

  Lois Griffin : I was trying to be sexy for you.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, come here you.

  [starts to rewind] 

  Lois Griffin : You should've told me.

  [rewinds] 

  Lois Griffin : You should've told me.

  [rewinds] 

• Lois Griffin : Peter, did you take care of that...

  Peter Griffin : What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.

  Doctor : Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.

  Peter Griffin : What about the...

  Doctor : Testicles.

• Meg Griffin : Mom!

  Chris Griffin : Hahahaha! Nipples!

  Meg Griffin : That's it! I want those cameras off!

  Chris Griffin : Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!

  Lois Griffin : Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.

  Meg Griffin : Well now, I am getting us off TV.

  [leaves angrily] 

  Meg Griffin : I quit!

• Peter Griffin : 1 million dollars!

  Lois Griffin : Brian, that sounded like Peter.

  Peter Griffin : Money, money, money!

• Lois Griffin : Hello?

  Peter Griffin : Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.

  Peter Griffin : Can you see me now?

  Lois Griffin : No.

  Peter Griffin : Okay, now I'm at the office.

• Doctor : Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.

  Peter Griffin : Now what? Are you coming on to me?

  Lois Griffin : Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.

  Doctor : ...Can't it be both?

• Peter Griffin : I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.

  Trica Takanowa : Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?

  Reporter #2 : Will you resign over this?

  Peter Griffin : Yes, no and screw it, I resign.

• Lois Griffin : What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?

  Peter Griffin : [shouts]  No Coke! Pepsi!

• Peter Griffin : You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?

  Peter Griffin : [cut to previous scene]  A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!

  Lois Griffin : [cut back to present scene]  Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.

• Peter Griffin : We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.

  Meg Griffin : But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.

  [Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore] 

• Stewie Griffin : Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!

  Lois Griffin : [oblivious]  Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.

  [Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy] 

  Stewie Griffin : Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!

  [he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard] 

  Stewie Griffin : BLAST!

• [the family is planning a vacation] 

  Peter Griffin : We could always go to purgatory like we did last year.

  [flashback] 

  Lois Griffin : This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.

  Brian Griffin : So so.

  Peter Griffin : More or less.

• [watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.

  Peter Griffin : Nah, the janitor will take care of that.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.

  Lois Griffin : You taped over our wedding video?

  Peter Griffin : Just the boring stuff.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you're drunk again.

  Peter Griffin : No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

• Chris Griffin : Are you and dad going to get a divorce?

  Lois Griffin : Oh, honey... maybe.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.

  Peter Griffin : There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

• [on the phone] 

  Chris Griffin : So, what are you wearing?

  [pause] 

  Chris Griffin : Wow. I bet you can see right through that.

  Lois Griffin : Chris, who are you talking to?

  Chris Griffin : Grandma.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah I think it looks better.

  Lois Griffin : You pasted it over me.

  Peter Griffin : Yeah I think it looks better.

• Meg Griffin : Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?

  Lois Griffin : Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.

• Chris Griffin : Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.

  Lois Griffin : Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.

  Stewie Griffin : Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?

• Meg Griffin : How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.

  Lois Griffin : Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.

  Stewie Griffin : Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.

  Peter Griffin : Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?

  Lois Griffin : This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.

  [grunts] 

• Lois Griffin : [on Meg's shoulders]  Just a little higher, honey.

  Meg Griffin : Mom, I don't think I can...

  [sinks] 

  Girl : Who's holding Lois?

  Boy : Some guy named Mel.

• [repeated line] 

  Lois Griffin : Peeetah!

• Brian Griffin : I've done worse. I replaced Peter's I Can't Believe it's Not Butter with real Butter...

  Peter Griffin : [Has some toast]  What... I... Can't... Believe...

  [cut to him being strapped down in an Asylum] 

  Peter Griffin : WAAAH! WAAH!

  Lois Griffin : Yes, but Doctor, I think it might have been real butter.

  Doctor : Your husband killed three children!

• Lois Griffin : I feel you, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Shut up.

  Lois Griffin : You shut up.

• Trica Takanowa : I'm standing by the Portajohns where Dads who are hurting will soon be throwing up in front of their still-developing kids.

• Lois Griffin : What's the point of drugs if you don't have kids to share them with?

• Lois Griffin : We're going to Vape!

  Peter Griffin : It's killing people, but not that many yet!

• Lois Griffin : Is someone there? I thought I heard something over the Roar of my Tinnitus.

• Carter Pewterschmiidt : [giving her a ride]  Ass, Gas or Grass?

  Lois Griffin : Gas!

  Carter Pewterschmiidt : Prude...

• Stewie Griffin : Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mom!

  Lois Griffin : WHAT?

  Stewie Griffin : Hi!

  [runs away giggling] 

• Lois Griffin : 9/11 was bad! 9... 11!

• Lois Griffin : This is how women dance when they're High... .

• Lois Griffin : [Phone]  Oh hi, Bonnie! No I'm not doing anything, just sitting with the baby.

  Stewie Griffin : Fuck you, too!

• Lois Griffin : Growing one carrot, taking up time./ Filling up the days with nonsense./ Vodka in the bushes, hmm hmm hmm./ Making it better, making it bright./ What a day! Gonna go and check the mail.

• Lois Griffin : I went to the Fancington's Academy for Insufferable Girls.

• Lois Griffin : Chris, are you going to kill yourself? That would be a real black mark on my record as a Parent. I'd have to make up stories about a History of Mental Illness and Self Mutilation... I could do it.

• Brian Griffin : Wow, she's really all in on this decluttering!

  Stewie Griffin : Well she's trying to fill her empty life. Remember when she'd put a slice of lemon in a glass of water for a simple kind of pleasure?

  Lois Griffin : Perfection! Just the thing to wash down 6 Xanax from 4 different prescriptions! Ah! Tomorrow this'll seem like a new idea again.

• Trica Takanowa : I'm standing here in Boston Airport where some of the people who let the terrorists on the planes are still gainfully employed...

• Lois Griffin : [to self]  You wanted to have a family, you wanted this life.

• Lois Griffin : Thanks for the ride, and your unsolicited racial theories!

  Taxi Driver : I'm telling you, it's the Turks every time!

  Lois Griffin : Merry Christmas!

  Taxi Driver : Ah hech mech alech!

• Lois Griffin : Thanks for listening.

  Stewie Griffin : I had no choice.

• Chris Griffin : Why are you sending me to Vocational School? Does this mean I'm a Failure?

  Lois Griffin : No, it means that we're Failures.

• Lois Griffin : C'mon, I wanna show you something that'll cheer you up.

  Chris Griffin : If it's the scene from Psycho where you can see Anne Heche's Bunghole, I've already seen it!

• Lois Griffin : It's our Bookclub, Peter! Come join us!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, okay!

  [Breaks his own neck and dies] 

• Lois Griffin : We didn't get this pamphlet when Meg and Chris were getting Vaccinated!

  Doctor Hartman : That was before Internet Message Boards made everyone an Expert. It's a better World, now!

• Lois Griffin : When you have something to hate, you have something to live for!

• Peter Griffin : As you know, it is my dream to retire at 45 and find a Cure for Ballzheimer's Disease.

  Lois Griffin : [Flashforward]  Peter, are those Testicles? Where did you get those?

  Peter Griffin : [Bloody hands]  I don't remember!

• Lois Griffin : I'm going to give you a Sylvia Plath book and a bottle of Ambien, and then look the other way...

• Brian Griffin : Do you ever just think "God, I'm Married to that Guy"?

  Lois Griffin : No, I just repress it. What's the worst that could happen?

  Brain Tumour : [to the Tune of Falco's Amadeus]  Oh, I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour! I'm a Tumour, I'm a Tumour! Oh-oh, I'm a Tumour!

• Meg Griffin : I love you, Mom!

  Lois Griffin : I

  [indistinct] 

  Lois Griffin : too, Meg!

• Lois Griffin : Peter doesn't always Munch-ausen my Proxy.

• Lois Griffin : You know Mommy wouldn't usually invade Chris's privacy! She's more respectful than that.

  Stewie Griffin : Whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

• Lois Griffin : So what? Just drink and smoke a lot. But don't chicken out halfway through, or you'll get Chris.

• Lois Griffin : Watching the Family fall apart without me is better than Cabo.

• Lois Griffin : [Watching Sesame Street, crying]  And look how old Maria's gotten!

• Lois Griffin : [Snapshot of female Political figure]  Ah, you can tell she fucks!

• Lois Griffin : I'm going to be a Mom again! My existence is justified!

• Lois Griffin : Go away, Stewie, Mommy's looking at Real Estate Listings and dreaming of any Life other than This.