The Specials (2000)

Jim Zulevic: Mr. Smart

Quotes 

• Mr. Smart : I have a problem with my cyclo-lucidic nasal enhancer.

  U.S. Bill : Your what?

  Mr. Smart : This thing on my nose! I can't get it off. It's driving me crazy! I smell *everything*! The world is covered in urine.

  U.S. Bill : What am I supposed to do about it?

  Mr. Smart : I need an extra set of hands. Here, see these two levers at the bottom?

  U.S. Bill : These?

  Mr. Smart : Yes. Pinch those together with each of your hands. Don't pull yet.

  U.S. Bill : I'm not gonna pull.

  Mr. Smart : [Bill pulls; bleeding from his nose]  Ow, you fuck! You tore my fucking nostril off.

  U.S. Bill : You told me to pull.

• The Weevil : I think the weirdest superguy was with me back in the Teen Hustlers. Chest of Death?

  Power Chick : Oh, yeah, yeah. He was a happening guy.

  The Weevil : Yeah, and he had that, um... that thing?

  Power Chick : Yeah, he had a hole in the-in the chest of his costume and this... and this piece of flesh that he could just stretch out and, you know, slap somebody.

  The Weevil : His scrotum.

  [seeing her and Mr. Smart's looks] 

  The Weevil : What? That's what it was.

  Power Chick : No way.

  The Weevil : Yes. Oh, come on. No, he... look, he... he had some weird ability to stretch his scrotum for, you know, hundreds of yards. And what he would do is he'd cut a hole in his uniform and then he would thread the scrotum through the hole. It would dangle, you know, then he would just say it was some weird piece of flesh. But, well, actually, it was his scrotum.

  Mr. Smart : Wow.

  Power Chick : One time, he tickled me with that thing!

• The Strobe : In light of tonight's reception, I think it's only appropriate that we discuss some of the public behavior of some of the group's members, which, as of late, has been lacking a certain, shall we say, tact. Witness this photograph of Amok and Weevil smoking cigarettes in a bathroom stall. Appeared in the L.A. Daily News.

  The Weevil : Ted, look, it's not like we were walking down Main Street. We were crouched down in a stall. A guy came in with a camera.

  The Strobe : You don't see the Crusaders smoking cigarettes.

  U.S. Bill : What if they were doing number two?

  The Strobe : Let me tell you something, my friend. When I first gained my superpowers...

  Amok : Here we go again.

  The Strobe : Some of us may not think this is trivial, pal. Some of us may want to hear this. Note the new member, for instance, Nightbird.

  Power Chick : I wanna hear it.

  The Strobe : Thank you, Power Chick.

  Power Chick : You're welcome, Ted.

  Mr. Smart : [the machine on his nose whirs]  Someone's playing with Play-Doh.

• Amok : Hey, Tony, what do you think of the new chick?

  The Weevil : She's okay, I guess.

  Amok : I kinda wanna fuck her.

  U.S. Bill : She's a fox.

  Amok : Shut up.

  The Weevil : She's a little young.

  Amok : But fuckable.

  U.S. Bill : [non-sequitur]  Raisins come from vines.

  Amok : She's cute, though, right?

  Mr. Smart : Yes, but I wish her breasts were larger.

  The Weevil : Like what? Zeppelins?

• Ms. Indestructible : [on the telephone]  Why would we have nude photographs of our ex-members on file?

  Mr. Smart : New girl's here. I found her peeking through the windows in the back.

  Ms. Indestructible : You wouldn't want one of those.

  The Strobe : Mr. Smart, what is that intriguing device sitting upon your nose?

  Ms. Indestructible : 'Cause I've seen Valiant Lass naked and she has a vestigial penis.

• Mr. Smart : Am I supposed to come in?

  Ms. Indestructible : Yes, you're supposed to come in.

  The Strobe : He's not supposed to come in.

  Ms. Indestructible : Get your ass out of bed and get over here.

  Mr. Smart : Excuse me, but...

  The Strobe : [Emily hangs up]  Hmm.

  Minute Man : [coming in with Deadly Girl]  Good morning.

  Ms. Indestructible : [seeing they're dressed in their previous day's clothes]  Did you two sleep together last night?

  Deadly Girl : Is oral sex sleeping together?

  Ms. Indestructible : Yes.

  Deadly Girl : I see.

  [dropping a box on the table] 

  Deadly Girl : Donuts for everyone!

  Nightbird : [coming in]  Hi.

  Deadly Girl : Shelly.

  Nightbird : I'm back.

  Mr. Smart : [coming in]  All right! I'm here, I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.

  The Strobe : Late for nothing. She should have never asked you to come in.

  Minute Man : Why aren't you wearing any pants?

  Mr. Smart : [looking down]  Oh, God. This is what happens when you scream at me on the phone. I'm sensitive. My overdeveloped mind is attuned to things you could never imagine.

  Deadly Girl : Has anyone noticed Mr. Smart has an enormous package?

  Mr. Smart : My father, too, had a large penis.