If You Only Knew (1999) User Reviews

You'll feel like you've seen it before

[Rourke · 4/10 · 18 June 2000]

There's nothing new here. All the standard romantic-comedy scenes, even down to the taxi sprinting to the airport to stop the woman flying away. The only thing that saves this is the acting of Alison Eastwood & some of the minor characters (blink and you'll miss Gabrielle Anwar), who obviously had some fun.

Turn it off when the pair are in bliss, and you won't have to go through the inevitable plot pain.

Not bad(yawn!)

[=G= · 5/10 · 11 November 2001]

"If You Only Knew" is about a straight man (Schaech) who pretends to be gay so he can get a deal on a NYC flat and move in with a beautiful woman (Eastwood) who likes to have a gay roomie for security reasons. The flick works the premise to death, lags some in the middle, is obvious and predictable, jerks from one concocted situation to the next, but does manage to deliver a modicum of entertainment. Catch it on broadcast and give it a try. C-

A Wonderful Romantic Comedy!!

[T S · 11 January 2002]

I loved this film! It works equally well as a romance and a comedy. Sam (Alison Eastwood) lives in her own apartment and is looking for a room mate. Parker Concorde (Johnathan Schaech), who falls in love with Sam from afar, would do anything to get closer to her and win her love. An opportunity arises, for Parker, when he finds out that Sam is looking for a new room mate. The only problem is that Sam only rents her spare room to gay men! Parker then leads Sam to believe that he is actually gay!! He then ends up becoming her new "gay" room mate.

The words "low budget" are written all over this film. This, however, actually works to an advantage for the film as a whole. Too many "high budget" films end up focusing too much on the visual and too little on the plot. What ends up happening is that audiences are left with a pretty package that is empty inside. Where this film is concerned, this is not the case at all. In this case, the audience is given a film with plenty of plot, humor, and romance.

Johnathan Schaech plays the role of Parker Concorde perfectly! This particular role, for him, is a bit of a balancing act; however, he pulls it off quite well. Parker is rather naive and nerdy, but he's also caring, considerate, and sensitive; still, he lacks the confidence to just "be himself". On the other hand, he's got the face and body of a Greek God!! Normally, these conflicting traits are not found all in one man. Johnathan Schaech is absolutely gorgeous!!! He manages to create the "perfect man" in the character of Parker Concorde. A man who is not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. With his glasses on, he is obviously meant to look a bit like a nerd; nevertheless, he is still quite handsome. Without his glasses, he looks like a fashion model (There are actually some scenes where, when caught at the right moment, Jonathan Schaech looks ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!! He has, by far, the most gorgeous face and body ever caught on film!!!)!!! Are we to believe that he would ever have trouble attracting women? He would have a lot more trouble keeping them away!! Nevertheless, Parker is unaware of what a good catch he really is. Is this unrealistic? Of course not! Many beautiful men and women are actually in this same boat. This aspect of Parker's character is what sets the plot in motion, and makes it believable as well.

Alison Eastwood gives a solid, yet subtle performance as the likeable, "gay friendly" Sam. Her character is a bit more worldly than Parker; she is nonetheless, a perfect match for him. The good chemistry, between both Alison Eastwood and Johnathan Schaech, makes it seem all the more clear that these two are meant to be together.

Along for the ride is a strong and very funny supporting cast!! Watch for the scenes that include Parker's gay coworkers, his female militant boss, and his oversexed "straight" best friend. They're hysterical!! There are numerous scenes that I rewind and watch over and over and over!!!

This is a definite must see!!! Don't miss this one!!!

a complete waste of time

[Roger-79 · 1/10 · 18 August 2002]

I've tried to watch this so-called comedy, but it's very hard to bear. This is a bad, narrow-minded, cliché-ridden movie. Definitively not funny, but very much boring and annoying, indeed. Bad script, bad acting. It's a complete waste of time - and there remains nothing more to say, I'm afraid.

1 out of 10 points.

Fun yet predictable

[lawnboy1977 · 7/10 · 3 July 2001]

I did enjoy this film, I thought it ended up being an old fashioned love story with a few twists. I expected him to get the girl, I won't tell you if he does or not you will need to watch the movie to find out. Overall if you are looking to watch a love story this one will suffice.

Appalling and Offensive!

[David-240 · 2/10 · 4 April 2002]

This horrendously bad piece of trash manages to be racist, sexist and homophobic all at once, while pretending to be terribly chic and sophisticated. Atrocious performances, a cliche ridden screenplay, and boring direction make this movie one to steer clear of. Two scenes were especially offensive - the one in which Schaech scrubs his tongue after being kissed by another man (could it really have been that gross), and the scene where Eastwood is kissed by Schaech's best friend, who is pretending to be Russian. After he leaves the room she exclaims "f**king foreigners"! So much for her being a cultured artist who dreams of living in Paris!?!

Jonathon Schaech can be a likeable actor on screen, and is astonishingly good-looking. It's a shame he didn't learn more from working with cutting edge gay director Gregg Araki on an earlier film, and try to salvage this film from descending into a string of gay stereotypes and a mire of homophobia.

If you would like a good romantic comedy, romcom fans, try this one

[inkblot11 · 7/10 · 5 August 2008]

Parker (Johnathan Schaech) is an aspiring writer who is still looking for his big break. In the meantime, he works as a telephone adviser for a Manhattan psychic hotline. One day, most unfortunately, his apartment building burns down. Parker and his cat make it out alive but are now stuck with the arduous task of finding affordable housing in the Big Apple. Word comes to Parker that a lady, Samantha (Alison Eastwood) is searching for a roommate but will only accept a gay male. Since Parker is straight but the price is right, he decides to pretend that he is gay. Samantha likes him from the start and welcomes him as her new cohabitant. But, poor Parker. Sam is lovely, intelligent and very desirable. How will he be able to keep his true nature under control? Besides, doesn't Sam have a successful businessman-boyfriend anyway? This is a sweet, likable, and humorous film with two very attractive stars in Eastwood and Schaech. Naturally, the plot is a string of "how can I keep up this ruse" scenes, with Sam asking Parker for shampoo while she is showering or pleading with him to hold her in bed when she receives bad news. Also, it is necessary for Parker to produce his own "fake" gay mate, Boris, when Sam insists upon fixing him up with a man she knows. Hopefully, the gay community will not find this too offensive, as this viewer thought most issues were treated with sensitivity and subtlety. For a small scale movie, the costumes, sets, and camera work were quite nice, also. Therefore, if you love those funny tales of love, get this one soon. You will like what you see, I know it.

drivel

[devomase · 1/10 · 5 March 2002]

One of the worst romantic comedies (nay, worst movies) I've ever seen. Boy (who works as a phone psychic!) must pretend to be gay to move into apartment with woman of his dreams. Hilarity does not ensue. Boredom, light gay-bashing, and horrible dialogue do. If you read Brad Meltzer and like his crappy dialogue, you'll like this movie.

Be smart. Avoid this. if you see it, destroy the copy.

If You Only Knew How Unoriginal This Movie Is

[Mitch-38 · 3/10 · 14 February 2001]

Formula flick of guy who wants girl, guy who will lie to get next to girl, guy who will get best friend to help in outrageous way (comedus reliefus, no?) to help deceive girl, etc. This one's been done to death, and with rare exception of a few z-rated outings, it's been done better.

Stale plot aside, the leads are attractive and there's a couple of good moments. Jonathon Schaech has done better, and his acting here came close to being phoned in. Not a complete loss, but nothing new here in this tepid affair.

Atypical Hollywood

[ddjunction · 10/10 · 11 May 2002]

My friends and I were just discussing how frustrated we are with the way movies and especially romantic comedy's are being made. We feel offended by the schlock that Hollywood is serving up these days as they act like all is well.

Well all is not well...with the exception of a few bright spots, like this movie. It doesn't have the big name actors, the big budget, I don't think it had a big release (I rented from Hollywood Video) it didn't really have anything that most big budget romantic comedy's have.

But it did have what most of those lack. It had great chemistry between the love interests, "Parker" (Jonathan Schaech) and "Sam" (Alison Eastwood). Their love story wasn't forced on us like so many. The director took his time to allow these characters to truly get to know each other. Their story reminded me of one of my favorites, "Tootsie".

The supporting cast added not only really funny comic moments, but depth to the story as well. James LeGros' character was absolutely priceless. Sam's gay friend was hysterical. Parker's interaction with his fellow employees in a Psychic Hotline was a lot of fun.

I laughed, I cried, I remembered how great it feels to fall in love.

More Homophobia from Hollywood

[fubared1 · 3/10 · 9 December 2004]

Yet another insult and slap in the face to gay men everywhere. This lame attempt at a comedy has nothing to recommend it. Once again we have an attractive 'straight' hero who supposedly can't get any woman to be interested in him. Yeah, right! And we're also presented with the 'sympathetic, attractive' gay friend who is actually a fat, balding, ugly old man whom the lead is supposed to find attractive. Even I didn't find him appealing and I'm a fat, ugly old gay man (but thankfully not balding)! Whatever acting talent there may be here has been thrown away on a bad script, and truly awful direction. Mr. Sneedeker should be banned from filmdom, but then he's no different than the countless other hacks working in Hollyweed.

Very entertaining.

[Cuckoo-2 · 27 August 1999]

The low budget production shows throughout the movie, but this is a very well-made and entertaining comedy. Producers and the director did a wonderful job.

Alison Eastwood's acting was terrific and her presence lights up the screen throughout the movie. The first five minutes may put off some viewers, but it quickly picks up the pace and keeps the attention focused on the main element of the movie, romantic relationship and dilemma between the main characters.

The conflict, relationship, personality of characters and the chemistry between the characters shine on the screen.

This small budget production probably will not reach wide audience, but it should work on word-of-mouth. People will feel good about this one after watching it.

horrible

[dumitrescu-catalina · 1/10 · 12 April 2015]

The actors had no really story to work with. Not real comedy,not real romance,nothing. I would scratch my eyes out trying to watch it. It was a torture. who wrote the screenplay had a serious intellectual problem,the director appears having it also. I think that they were so bored doing this movie that they thought that making pauses ,long pauses between every line would add some kind of intensity to the script. It added only more torture.

The pauses between every line,every scene are "chinese drop " torture. No emotions received by the viewer.

Horrible waste of time.

Great movie

[spidermonkey-198588 · 10/10 · 24 October 2012]

This movie is for hopeless romantics/comedy people. It's a beautiful love story and it has great music. I recently found one of the tracks was sung by Jim Brickman and David Grow-That's What I'm Here For. I've yet to find any more that were in the movie. I think people are way too harsh being critics on the movie. It was excellent, but, I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinions. This movie has been rated way below what it should've been though. Hopefully, one day my generation might see things differently dare I hope.I feel like I live in a different time.Ha.ha. Anyways, just thought I'd share my thoughts. I hope if anyone else sees the movie they enjoy it as much as I did.

Lighthearted and Warmhearted

[cutthroatproductions · 7 January 2003]

The actors are appealing, the storyline is appealing, plus numerous genuine laughs. A must-see when you're having a quiet night in with your girlfriend or wife. Jonathon Schaech portrays his character with shear delight and is most convincing. Alison Eastwood is equally as good as the apple of his eye.

typical AND original

[JBoze313 · 23 November 2000]

This is a really good movie. Tho it has a lot of the same exact scenes you will see in a million other movies from the same genre, it is unique in many ways. I can't think of any other movies where the guy loses the girl, because he pretends to be gay, and she finds out he's not, so that element of the plot works well, I think. The actors are really good, and you come to really like the characters. Eastwood is great, but the guy who plays Parker does a really great job as well, so I don't think she carries the movie herself. I'd give this movie an 8/10, but I might even bump it up to a 9 just for the few scenes we see Parker's gorgeous co-worker, Kim.

Alison Eastwood and Jonathon Schaech are fantastic in this sweet story.

[djunction · 21 January 2003]

This romantic comedy has a heartfelt touch that is missing in so many studio attempts at this genre. My wife and I loved this movie as we laughed and cried. It reminded me of "Tootsie". It reminded her of the first time we fell in love. What a great find.

Light fare but Fun and Satisfying

[Enrique-Sanchez-56 · 23 April 2001]

It's just a movie, folks. But it was a fun experience and I would recommend it to a few friends that like romantic comedy. The movie never pretended to be something else. It is a woman's movie - but - there is enough for guys to enjoy, too.

Very funny movie!

[wayne-2 · 6 April 2001]

One in a series of Gayxploitation movies to come out lately (Three to Tango, Trick, In and Out, Friends & Lovers), this one is pretty good. (Actually, I liked the others, also!) I have quickly grown to like Johnathon Schaech. James LeGros is hysterical, especially as the gay Russian. If you have ever tried to find a place to live on a budget in a big city, you'll enjoy this movie.

I enjoyed this movie, but...

[jdb-4 · 14 September 2001]

I enjoyed this movie but it had one thing I didn't understand. The lead girl said she was an honesty freak. She was never honest with the guy. When she was confused about his sexuality she never took his word that he wanted her. She'd rather go with a guy who cheated on her, which was dishonest then a guy who lied about being gay? That's a woman for ya. If she was an honesty freak she should have dumped both of them.

Bent beginning and straight end.

[richard-wheeler · 19 August 2004]

This isn't unusual. This is quite common, men doing anything to be close to their dream women, for example, Parker meets the women of his dreams while shopping.and then, Parker's apartment burnt down and he was desperate to get another one and he did, but fortunately he had to be gay, because the girl who offered it to him (The women of his dreams)hates straight guys BECAUSE THEY ARE PIGS!

Soon, Parker gets close to her and soon she thinks he is bisexual. You all must've remembered that when she was speaking to him and she didn't know that.

Coming to the end, she realizes that he isn't gay and when she breaks up with her lover , she gets even closer to him and she falls in love with him at the end.

If you only knew is an over competent movie to me, in other words, it's over average. The acting was good, and the actors and actresses who were casted into this movie performed well. And as you know, this is just a typical romantic comedy, because they fall in love at the end and a few chuckles through out the film.The location was a good pick, because, love usually happens in the city, because, they are a lot of fine people to meet out there.

7/10