If You Only Knew (1999)

Alison Eastwood: Samantha

Quotes 

• Parker Concorde : [apartment hunting]  So, you don't have a problem rooming with guys?

  Samantha : No. I mean, before David it was Dean, and then before Dean it was Philip, and before Philip... Well, anyway, you get the point. Yeah, I... I feel safer living with a man. Plus, I made some great friends.

  Parker Concorde : So, you're not worried about things turning... romantic?

  Samantha : Romantic?

  Parker Concorde : I mean, you're very... You're a very attractive woman.

  Samantha : Oh, thank you, Parker. That's why I only live with men who are gay.

• Jack : [as Boris, Parker's Russian boyfriend, checking out Sam's paintings]  Oh, it's very nice, um, pictures.

  Samantha : In our country we call them paintings.

  Jack : [checking out her behind]  Panties.

  Samantha : No, paintings.

  Jack : Panties.

  Samantha : [correctively]  PAIN-TINGS.

  Jack : Pain-ties.

• Samantha : That's the great thing about painting. If you don't like something, you just paint right over it and start fresh.

• Kate : Men are just giant artichokes. They're prickly and hairy and hard and... until you get to the heart.

  Parker Concorde : Which is the best part.

  Kate : Are you SURE you're gay?

  Samantha : He is sweet, isn't he? You ever had your ass waxed?

• Samantha : [checking Parker's groceries]  Oh, wow, my favorite - although I think you have it backwards, though. You're supposed to buy me dinner BEFORE we sleep together.

  Parker Concorde : Oh... Well, you know I'm sexually dyslectic.

• Parker Concorde : Penny for your thoughts.

  Samantha : Two bucks and you're on.

  Parker Concorde : Okay, but it better be good.

• Tom : Sam, let me ask you something. When you needed a friend, was Parker a friend?

  Samantha : What?

  Tom : And when you needed a lover, wasn't Parker a great lover?

  Samantha : GOOD lover.

  Tom : Really? Because I seem to remember you saying, "Oh, Tom, he's such a great lover!"

  Samantha : Okay! Okay.

  Tom : And when you needed a gay roommate, wasn't Parker a gay roommate?

  Samantha : Tom, what's your point?

  Tom : Just this - that ever since I've known you, you've never been able to find the kind of man who was everything you needed... until now.

• Parker Concorde : You know, I'm glad you came around, because I was about to have a coronary.

  Samantha : Yeah, me, too.

• [a knock at the door] 

  Samantha : [calling offscreen]  That's Ben. Would you get that? Tell him I'll be out in a minute.

  Parker Concorde : Only if I can unleash the animals.