Becker (1998–2004)
Shawnee Smith: Linda
Photos
Quotes
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Linda : Are you okay?
Dr. John Becker : Yeah, I'm just really pissed off.
Linda : So you're okay.
Dr. John Becker : No! Linda come here and sit down for a second, will ya? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me and I want to get even with her. I was just thinking
[pauses]
Dr. John Becker : You're sneaky.
Linda : Yeah.
Dr. John Becker : So how can I get back at her?
Linda : Okay, this is what you do. Open the hood of her car.
Dr. John Becker : [chuckles] Yeah?
Linda : Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Underneath that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world and, BAM!
Dr. John Becker : [looks at Linda in fear] You know, Linda. I'm going to think about that tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life.
[exits his office]
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Linda : What do you have against the New York City Marathon?
Dr. John Becker : The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.
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Linda : Where have you two been? You know I should never be left in charge!
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Margaret : [Referring to a gift to Linda from Bob] Aren't you going to open it?
Linda : I'm afraid to.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas : Don't bother. It's a leopard thong.
Linda : How do you know?
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas : First gift?
Linda : Yeah.
Regina 'Reggie' Kostas : Leopard thong.
Linda : Oh, come on. Do you really think he would...
[pauses to peek inside of the box]
Linda : Ok, let's say he did.
-
Dr. John Becker : [walks into the diner to find Linda and Margaret sitting at a table] Oh, I'm glad you're here. I was in here last night had an experience that made me realize I might have a small problem with anger.
Margaret : [interrupts] Hah!
Dr. John Becker : I thought about it a lot and I realized that the anger class may have some merit. I'm going to use its techniques to try to change my life completely.
Margaret : [interrupts again] Hah!
Dr. John Becker : Are you going to keep doing that?
Margaret : I don't know yet.
Dr. John Becker : The first step is to call upon my support network, that's all of you
[points to Linda, Margaret, and Jake]
Dr. John Becker : , for your assistance...
[stops and pauses]
Dr. John Becker : The hell with it. I'll try to control myself and you try not to piss me off.
Linda : [pauses] Hah!
Margaret : Well put!
[laughs and leaves the diner with Linda]
-
Linda : [Stops looking through the trash can as Dr. Becker walks by] Morning doctor!
Dr. John Becker : Oh yeah, good morning... um.
Linda : Linda.
Dr. John Becker : Right. I knew it was something weird like that.
Linda : I know you said not to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary, but I just want to say thanks a lot for making me a nurse's aide. I never thought I would be a professional anything! And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz! You know, this one time I...
Dr. John Becker : [interrupts] You know if you shut your mouth it keeps the words from just falling out like that.
Linda : I know! I know I talk too much and I'm working on that, but you just don't know what it's like in here!
[pounds on forehead]
Linda : All these thoughts keep flying around and... and I'm sensing a little hostility.
Dr. John Becker : Go with that.
Linda : You mean?
Dr. John Becker : I mean go.
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Linda : [after John and Linda get in trouble for giving a sex talk to children] Look, you may think your kids are too young for this stuff but, believe me, they're just one Britney Spears video away from a whole new world.
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Linda : [after getting caught sleeping at the front desk] Ok, here's the thing! I was up all night with my friend who got dumped by her boyfriend.
Dr. John Becker : Yeah, and how's that my problem?
Linda : Well I didn't get any sleep. All night long she was crying and sobbing and moaning. The only way I could calm her down was to make her a coffee surprise. That's 2 parts coffee, 1 part Jack Daniels.
Dr. John Becker : What's the surprise?
Linda : It's really 5 parts Jack Daniels.
-
Linda : Dr. Becker, do you have a minute?
Dr. John Becker : No, I definitely don't.
Linda : Well this won't take but a minute. This friend of mine got a tattoo of her boyfriend's name and since they broke up she was wondering if you knew anyone who could remove it for her.
Dr. John Becker : Yeah I have a name for you, but what kind of idiot meets a guy in a bar and two minutes later tattoos his name on her ass?
Linda : Well, technically it's my lower back.
[Gasps and quickly walks away from John]
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Dr. John Becker : Since when do you wear glasses?
Linda : I don't.
Dr. John Becker : Then what are those?
Linda : They just look good, they don't do anything.
Dr. John Becker : Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.
-
Linda : You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.
Dr. John Becker : If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?
[Becker walks into the back]
Linda : [to Margaret] He didn't do it.
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Margaret : Just for today, you are Beth.
Lynda : I don't like the name Beth.
Linda : I do, can I be Beth?
Lynda : I want to be Beth too.
Margaret : You can't both be Beth.
Linda : Why? We're both Linda.
Lynda : Let's pick our own names.
Linda : I want to be Margaret.
Lynda : No, I want to be Margaret.
Margaret : I want to be dead.
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Dr. John Becker : Uh-Linda?
Dr. John Becker : I meant Linda.
Margaret : You're both named Linda?
Dr. John Becker : I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.
-
[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]
Linda : I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.
Dr. John Becker : Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda : Wow, it's like you read my mind.
Dr. John Becker : Some are easier than others.
[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]
Linda : I have a message for you.
Margaret : Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?
Linda : Wow, you people are freaky.
[Linda goes in the back]
Dr. John Becker : I won't tell her if you won't tell her.
-
Linda : [nearly every episode] Here's the thing...
-
[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]
Dr. John Becker : There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?
Linda : Headache, "A" for ache.
Dr. John Becker : Pregnancy?
Dr. John Becker : "B" for baby.
Dr. John Becker : X-ray?
Linda : "C" for see-through.
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Linda : Let's be honest, any world where I have to be the responsible one, I don't want to live in.
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Margaret : All these girls can be so dumb! Tanning salons are so bad for you.
Linda : Oh come on, Margaret. You remember what it was like when you needed a quick tan for a big occasion, like the prom.
Margaret : No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.
Linda : Oh my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry. You didn't go to your prom did you?
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Linda : [after John finds a stray cat in his office] Oh look, a kitty! When I was little I had a cat just like this. He was the cutest thing I ever saw until he took a nap in the dryer. He was never quite the same after that.
Dr. John Becker : Margaret, I don't care what you do. Take it to the woods, put it out on the street, I don't care. Just get rid of it.
Margaret : Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat?
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Bob : I think we have a lot in common. I'm not wearing a bra either.
Jake Malinak : [Looks in Linda's direction] Please tell me he's talking to you.
Linda : You know, I don't like that kind of talk.
[pauses]
Linda : Well, I do but not from you!
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Maureen : [holds out her hand] ATM card?
Linda : Oh! Yeah, I forgot.
[hands Maureen the card and begins to walk away]
Maureen : Pin number, hello!
Linda : Oh! Sorry, it's really easy to remember. You take the number of letters in Linda, that's 5. Then you subtract 3, that's the number of fingers my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand. Then you add the number of kids my Uncle Frank has, that's 8. Then you subtract the number of planets in the Solar System, that's 12.
Maureen : [interrupts] There are 9 planets.
Linda : Really?
[starts counting on her fingers]
Linda : Oh well, you're just going to have to remember it. It's 1-2-3-4-5.
Maureen : Freak!
[exits the office]
-
Dr. John Becker : What's new, Linda?
Linda : A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.
Dr. John Becker : The flower dress?
Linda : No, worse.
Dr. John Becker : The pants with the gold circles?
Linda : No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.
Dr. John Becker : Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.
[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']
-
Linda : Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.
Dr. John Becker : Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.
-
[after Margaret had gotten drunk and thought she had sung karaoke]
Linda : Actually, you just grabbed a skinny bald guy around the neck and started screaming into the top of his head.
-
Dr. John Becker : He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?
Linda : Who?
Dr. John Becker : Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.
Linda : Oh, when you said young it threw me off.
-
Linda : OK Here's the thing...
Dr. John Becker : Aw come on Linda, no THINGS!
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Linda : [referring to Bob staying in her apartment] He's just like a stray dog. He follows me around, scratches himself, and he keeps leaving nose prints on my windows.
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Linda : Hey, if you really have no place to live you can stay with me.
Bob : Excuse me?
Linda : I have plenty of room at my place.
Margaret : Excuse me!
Linda : Stay as long as you like.
Bob : Wow, thanks! Look we'll iron out the details later, but first Bob's gotta go to the can.
[grabs a magazine and begins to walk into the restroom]
Linda : Um, that's a ladies room.
Bob : Not for the next 20 minutes!
Margaret : Linda, I know you have a big heart but are you sure this is a good idea?
Linda : You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.
Margaret : Yes, but...
Linda : [interrupts] And isn't Bob needy?
Margaret : Oh yes, but...
Linda : [interrupts] And isn't that what Christianity is all about?
Margaret : [pauses] Christ never met Bob.
-
Margaret : [after bailing John out of jail] His temper finally got him into real trouble. He was arrested this morning.
Linda : No!
Margaret : For assaulting two police officers.
Linda : No!
Margaret : The judge sentenced him to anger management.
Linda : Great!
[receives a dirty look from John]
Linda : I mean no!
-
Dr. John Becker : [Hears a knock on the door] Um, I'm sleeping!
Linda : Dr. Becker, it's Linda and I know you're not sleeping because you're talking.
Dr. John Becker : Oh, alright.
[opens the door]
-
Linda : Doctor, do you have a problem with these?
Dr. John Becker : [looks at Linda's low-cut top and exposed abdomen] These?
Linda : These clothes? Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect. Now I'm not saying I'm the capital of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself.
[follows John to the restroom and props the door open with her foot]
Linda : I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wore a suit of magnets then metal stuff would come flying at me, so I don't. But my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff well that would cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here. And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me I wouldn't turn it down. Wow, I just asked for a raise. Cool!
Dr. John Becker : Wear what you want. No raise. Go away.
