Quotes

Keeping the Faith

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Indian Bartender: May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.
Father Havel: That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Sometimes we don't see certain things until we're ready to see them in a certain way.

Anna Riley: I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Let me just say... Oy.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Amen to your oy.

[showing teenage Jake how to do the sign of the cross]
Teenage Brian: Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.

Ruth Schram: Now you. Anyone new in your life I should know about?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow, 20 minutes! I can't believe we made it this far.
Ruth Schram: It's my God-given right to check. What about the Shapiro girl.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl.
Ruth Schram: Why not, she was a looker.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It's not that, the problem was here.
Ruth Schram: What? Bad skin?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No, not bad skin.
Ruth Schram: What then?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, you want an example? I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn't want any, I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite, I give her a bite, her face swells up like a chipmunk, she looks at me and says, "Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?"
Ruth Schram: So what?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Mom! It was pecan pie.

Anna Riley: [Brian dials Anna's phone number and hears her voice on the answering machine] Hi, this is Anna. Only three people have this number. If you're not one of them, leave me alone.

Anna Riley: I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians.

Anna Riley: You think you're sorry now, wait till you realize I just went out that door and I'm not coming back.
[door slams; beat; reopens]
Anna Riley: This is MY apartment. YOU get out.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You're a Sikh, Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?
Indian Bartender: Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I'm reading Dianetics.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Don't blame you.

Jacob: God was showing off when he made you.

Anna Riley: [to Jake] So what's your chick situation?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, don't ask, it's not a good story.
Anna Riley: Why?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Because his whole congregation is trying to set him up and it makes him very uncomfortable.
Anna Riley: What's wrong with that?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: There's a reason pandas don't mate in captivity.
Anna Riley: What does that mean?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It means these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can't refuse. They're very intimidating, they're like the Kosher Nostra. They're little women but very determined.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I think you get a little melodramatic about this, don't you think?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, yeah? Today one of them faxed me her daughter's resume.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Let me see that. Ali Decker.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Look at the bottom.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh. She has a skills section.
Anna Riley: Yes?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, you win. She put jogging as a skill.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: See? She doesn't even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.
Anna Riley: All right, so maybe she's a skilled jogger.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I have to go on a date with this woman. Why can't I just say no?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't know, why can't you?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I can't alienate these women, I need body count at the temple.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: How upset are they?
Rabbi Lewis: Let's just say they're less than thrilled.
Larry Friedman: [after cut to new scene] To be honest, we're less than thrilled.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, with what specifically?
Larry Friedman: With what specifically. Well, with guided meditation specifically, with stand up comedy sermons specifically, with your loose improvisational style specifically.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, with people actually enjoying services? People showing up at all?
Larry Friedman: To be serenaded by the Harlem freaking gospel choir?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: At least they were praying.
Rabbi Lewis: It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu, Lar.
Larry Friedman: It's not kosher, Rabbi Lewis.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Larry, what does that mean?
Larry Friedman: You have to ask me what kosher means? Study your gemara.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What do you want me to do? Flagellate myself? Jews don't do that, we plant trees.

Anna Riley: Jake Schram.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yes.
Anna Riley: How are you? Who are you? Tell me everything, give me the 4-1-1, I wanna know. Girls, job, news.

Father Havel: Who is calling at this hour? It's barbaric. I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You know you better not lie in here man, this is the big room! God does not look favorably on you. He has a tendancy to throw... lightning bolts at things... At liars!

Indian Bartender: Um, let me get this straight. I am talking to a pries who went on a bender because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Right.
Indian Bartender: Thank you. I want to thank you for telling me this story.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Why?
Indian Bartender: Because now I can retire.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Whoa! Listen to what you're saying. You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?

Anna Riley: You don't understand. I have a relationship with my phone, we have a chemistry together, I can't explain it.

Indian Bartender: Let me guess. Your old lady got fed up because you're out here chasing the skirt so she took these little ones and left you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: It's a little more complicated than that.
Indian Bartender: Sure it is. Everyone thinks his story is the one with a twist. Well let me tell you, I've heard just about everything there is to...
[Brian unzips his jacket, revealing his priest's collar]
Indian Bartender: Holy shit.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Exactly.

Anna Riley: So this is a rectory. That sounds like a dirty word. Rectory!

[Brian, a celibate priest, confesses his love for Anna, to Jake's astonishment]
Jacob: I mean, she's like your sister!
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.

Father Havel: I have been a priest over 40 years, and I fell in love at least once every decade.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: The truth is, I don't really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that... because those aren't really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it's very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It's a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all... connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening... to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church... to know that we're doing pretty well as a community. Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Who is the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's easy. Anna Reilly, eighth grade. No question.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You got it.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? She called you? Anna Reilly called you?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah. Totally out of the blue.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Why?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: 'Cause she's coming to New York, uh, for work... and she wanted to get together with us. She just looked me up.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Really? Anna Reilly. What is she doing now?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: She - She's, like, analyzing synergies, or synergising analogies, or, or some such thing. I couldn't follow it. She's, like, this very high-powered business - You know.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Woman?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Woman, yes. Thank you.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow. And you told her about us?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah. She flipped, in a - in a good way. You know, I mean, she laughed for about ten minutes, but she was excited.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Man, that is so cool.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I know.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I wonder why she called you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: What do you mean?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No, I mean, she called you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: What, are you in the eighth grade still?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? That's a legitimate question. I just - I mean, we're both listed.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Finn before Schram, okay? You're ridiculous.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's a good point. Alphabetical.

Anna Riley: Rachel Rose. Yeah. When's that going down?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Thursday.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [in Rain Man accent] Thursday night, 8p.m., dinner.
Anna Riley: Are you excited?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yeah. I have a pretty good feeling.
Anna Riley: Where are you taking her?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I don't know. I thought, uh, Ernie's.
Anna Riley: Ernie's? You can't take her to Ernie's. Ernie's has been around since we were kids. You might as well take her to Houlihan's. You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie's.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Definitely not Ernie's. Definitely not. Mm-mmm. Uh-oh.
Anna Riley: No, you gotta take her someplace new and hot.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] No, hot. Definitely hot.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Well, what's - Okay, what's new and hot?
Anna Riley: What do we know about this girl?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Rachel Rose, 29 years old, Columbia School of Journalism. Middle East affairs expert.
Anna Riley: Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine. What's a good place?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Delphini's. Definitely Delphini's. Four stars, New York Times. Definitely Delphini's. Need a reservation. Delphini's.
Anna Riley: Now, are you gonna wear a suit, or are you gonna go cas'?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I don't know. I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I guess cas'.
Anna Riley, Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No, suit.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: [still in Rain Man accent] Definitely suit. Definitely...
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Hey, shut up, Rain Man. Seriously. Enough, all right? Now you're making me think about this.
Anna Riley: Oh, relax. You'll do great.

Anna Riley: I read your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.
Rachel Rose: Thanks, I really earned my stripes with that piece.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

Anna Riley: I just called to see how the date went.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: That's so funny. I had an impulse to call you last night but then I thought it might be too late.
Anna Riley: You should've. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles. So what did you wear?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What? I'm not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why would I do that?
Anna Riley: I want to get an image of a young rabbi on the prowl, what's your game man?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok. Navy blue pin stripe suit.
Anna Riley: Mmm.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Navy blue button down shirt.
Anna Riley: Good colour for your eyes. Shoes?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather.
Anna Riley: Size?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Big.
Anna Riley: Ow!
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: You wanna hear about the special knot in my tie?
Anna Riley: Baby no, we gotta keep room for dessert. Don't give up hope ok?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'll keep it alive.
Anna Riley: Good bye Mr Sharp Dressed Man.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What happened to our youth?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Whoah! Are you seriously telling me that unless you find a nice Jewish girl and settle down in the next six months they're not going to give you this job?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I'm seriously telling you there has not been a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nei Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue.

Anna Riley: Can I ask you a question?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yeah, of course, anything.
Anna Riley: It's personal, so...
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh, are we gonna have the sex talk here?
Anna Riley: Yes, you're my friend and I wanna know how this works for you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Fire away, you must have a list of questions.
Anna Riley: Really?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Really?
Anna Riley: So you... don't. Right?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Right.
Anna Riley: At all.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: At all.
Anna Riley: Have you ever, er?
[getting uncomfortable]
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Had sex? Yes.
Anna Riley: With women.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes.
Anna Riley: So you're not gay.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No. No.
Anna Riley: Are you sure?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, but even if I was the rules are the same.
Anna Riley: Do you miss it?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No.
Anna Riley: Are you tempted?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Nah!
Anna Riley: Oh, admit it. If they changed the rules you'd be psyched.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: If I was to tell you that I loved you and I'd give it all away just to be with you, what would you say?
Woman in Bar: Good night, Paulie.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yep. That's about par for the evening.

Paulie Chopra: I would like to thank you for telling me that story.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Why?
Paulie Chopra: Because now I have heard it all, and I can retire.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, God, please let this be painless.
Ali Decker: [opens door] Hi! Right on time! I like that in a rabbi!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Is this you, too? Do you feel the same way?
Rabbi Lewis: It's not your ideas. Your ideas are very good. But sometimes you're a little aggressive at the execution.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: But, Ben, come on! I-I-I mean, i-it was working!
Rabbi Lewis: I know, I know, I know, I know, you like to shake things up. That's good.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: When it works, yeah!
Rabbi Lewis: But you have to appreciate the fact that a lot of people come here for a sense of... continuity! It's not just the board! I-it's your congregation, Jake! Mrs- Mrs. Katz likes to sing the Ein Keloheinu the way she knows it. Tradition is not old habit.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Alright, I...
Rabbi Lewis: It's comforting to people!
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Okay, but, I'm not interested in babysitting Mrs. Katz. I wanna- I wanna push people to grow and expand. Otherwise, what are we doing?
Rabbi Lewis: I know, I know, I know. But you have to be patient with them. I think you'll find that people go a lot father if you- if they feel they're being led and not pushed!

Alan Klien: I suck! They're gonna take away my Yamulkha!
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No you don't. You don't suck.
Alan Klien: I suck.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Yes, all right, you do. You suck. But that's ok, you're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest, it's a rite of passage.

Rachel Rose: Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh!... Is that bad or good?

Don: [in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine?
Don: Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh we are!
Don: Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: That's nice. How much?
Don: Price is not important
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No price is very important, actually.
Don: Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Uh huh.
Don: And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: How much does it cost, exactly?
Don: [Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh!
Don: I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: $1,300?
Don: Final offer.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm.
[unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm.
Don: [Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh yeah!

Anna Riley: Don't you have work?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: We're doing a hostile takeover of Congregation Bertov Sholem.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I got you something. I almost didn't because I was so mad but this is too good.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Holy shit! It's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card! It's like the last in the series!