Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999–2001)

James Dreyfus: Tom

Photos 

Quotes 

• Linda La Hughes : D'you know, I think they must a got a puppy for Christmas, cos I could hear her fella shouting in the background "I'm not havin' that dog back in my house" and then she said "party's off".

  [Tom pauses for a moment to absorbs this, and then we see a smirk come across his face] 

  Tom : You're such a sad bitch!

• [to Sugar Walls, Linda's celebrity sister] 

  Tom : You're very popular on the gay scene.

  Linda : So is amyl nitrate and they both smell like old socks.

• Linda : Should have taken in a show. I love a good play.

  [Tom looks at her in disbelief] 

  Tom : You? The last play you went to see was "The Chip 'n' dales"; which, incidentally, is not a play.

  Linda : It was in a theatre. It had an interval. I had ice cream.

  Tom : The theatre should be exciting.

  Linda : I was stuck to my seat.

• Linda La Hughes : No, Tom! Don't go near the windows! Don't go near the windows!

  Tom : Why?

  Linda La Hughes : Umm... Because Tom, Did you know that 175% of all drive-by shootings happen near French Windows?

  Tom : Twiggy preserve us.. One is no longer safe in one's own home... It's like that really scary movie, that really violent one. Damn, what's it called? Chocolate Orange!

• Tom : [on the phone]  Oh, hang on, I'll ask my PA...

  [pretending to call his PA] 

  Tom : P.A.! P.A.!

  Linda La Hughes : [gives him a look]  P. Off!

• Linda La Hughes : Tom, I can't be a lesbian, I mean, look at me, I'm gorgeous!

  Tom : Loads of lezzers are gorgeous! Take...

  [Thinks for a long time] 

  Tom : Velma from Scooby Doo.

• Tom : Why are you wearing more makeup than Scritti Politti?

• [about Zippy's father] 

  Linda : All I remember is that I was at a party and he was dressed as a pillar box.

  Tom : Was it a fancy dress part, mummy?

  Linda : Well this is the worrying thing daddy, no.

• Tom : Oh, what do you know about love?

  Linda La Hughes : I know it's in the dictionary between labia and lust.

• Tom : I'll, erm, be fingering through Richard the Third 'til he comes.

• Linda La Hughes : I Love smoking, me... Mummy gave me my first ciggy when I was 10, and I've never looked back!

  Tom : Well, I've got to say, Linda, this is a surprise.

  Linda La Hughes : Tom... You know I smoke.

• Tom : What have you done? You foolish, foolish child!

  Linda La Hughes : I've opened our back garden up as a camp site.

• Simon Shepherd : Is that physically possible with a bar of soap?

  Tom : Two words, Simon - patience and practice.

• [Suze has black around her mouth] 

  Tom : Why have you blacked up? I just want to say that if I find that offensive and ridic. Honestly what does Jez think of all this nonsense.

  Suze : Take a chill pill Tom, I've been eating coal.

• Beverly-Jane : Oh, Beverly-Anne. Can you get the keys for 315 please?

  Beverly-Anne : Can-do Beverly-Jane.

  Beverly-Jane : Off your face on pills, Sir?

  Tom : I am twatted!

  Beverly-Jane : Is that a Welsh name, Sir?

  Beverly-Anne : 315, Sir!

  Tom : Wait, wait, wait. This is not what it looks like! We are brothers and we are only sharing 1 room because it's cheaper than two.

  Beverly-Anne : Good night, Sir! And happy shagging. Do you think they're on drugs, Beverly-Jane?

  Beverly-Jane : I don't know about them, But I'm buzzing my nut off, Beverly-Anne.

  Beverly-Anne : Hmm, me too. Beverly-Jane.

  [the two start dancing idiotically]