Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998–2007)

Drew Carey: Self - Host, Self

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Quotes 

• Drew Carey : Now let's go on to a game called "African Chant". As we know, Africa's a big country...

  [Greg starts laughing] 

  Greg Proops : Or a *continent*, if you're a geographer.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Bad causes to raise money for.

  Ryan Stiles : Give Drew Carey a third show? Anyone?

  Colin Mochrie : Bathe the whales!

• Drew Carey : Bad places to find advertising.

  [Ryan pantomimes looking over Colin while he's peeing] 

  Drew Carey : Must not have had a lot to say...

  [audience boos] 

  Drew Carey : I regret saying that, because the next card says "Little known, but amazing facts about Drew Carey".

  Colin Mochrie : I have no sense of length.

  Wayne Brady : When I'm with a woman, I go "Wooooooooo!"

  Ryan Stiles : Did you know at first Drew Carey turned *down* the role of Geppetto?

• Greg Proops : [Hats, in a rabbit mask]  I'm not into protection

  Drew Carey : Say it again... I don't think they heard you.

  Greg Proops : Oh, could no one hear me? Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.

• Drew Carey : Famous movie roles as played by Carol Channing

  Ryan Stiles : I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this confusion, I forgotten myself. So you have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky? Well do you, punk?

  Robin Williams : Well surely you must be the son of God!

  Ryan Stiles : I'm Spartacus!

• Drew Carey : If celebrities had been the first people to walk on the moon.

  Brad Sherwood : One small step for man, one giant leap for me, Brad Sherwood. How are ya?

  Drew Carey : [as Brad sets off-stage]  Sorry, I said... I said, "celebrities."

  Brad Sherwood : Oh, I'm sorry.

  [the audience groans, then he starts whining] 

  Brad Sherwood : That was mean!

  Wayne Brady : [as Michael Jackson, moonwalking]  Hooo!

  Colin Mochrie : Where's my car?

  Ryan Stiles : [as Carol Channing]  Well this is dry and barren as I am.

• [Scenes from a hat] 

  Drew Carey : Okay. Let's start out with...

  [pulls out paper] 

  Drew Carey : No... no.

  [puts paper back and picks a new one] 

  Drew Carey : "Bad choices for pets."

  Brad Sherwood : Here velocipraptor! Here velo-

  [Colin comes and pretends to bite his neck] 

  Ryan Stiles : [whistles]  Where's my little tapeworm? Huh?

  Drew Carey : Okay.

  [clears throat] 

  Drew Carey : "Strange things to find in your bed."

  Wayne Brady : Colin?

  [Colin pops his head up] 

  Wayne Brady : Ahhhhhhh!

  Colin Mochrie : Teach me how to sing like you!

  Ryan Stiles : [Ryan pops his head up]  What's his problem?

  Colin Mochrie : I don't know!

  Drew Carey : Oh, okay. Uh, "dangerous things to do while you are naked."

  Brad Sherwood : Honey, bring out the steaks. I'm gonna light the barbeque.

  Colin Mochrie : [sighs]  Okay.

  [Colin starts to pretend to throw chain saws into the air and juggle them] 

  Ryan Stiles : 5 minutes, Mr. President.

  Drew Carey : [laughs]  Okay.

  [reads card] 

  Drew Carey : Oh, boy. "Baby names that will someday get your child's ass kicked."

  Ryan Stiles : Oh, is Kick-My-Ass Hungry?

  Colin Mochrie : Come here... Colin.

  [Wayne and Brad pretend to go beat him up] 

  Drew Carey : Okay. "Little known facts about our host, Drew Carey."

  Ryan Stiles : What kind of middle name is "Alison?"

  Drew Carey : "Things you wished you hadn't said to the president."

  Colin Mochrie : Sure, I'll be your intern.

  Brad Sherwood : [acts like he's holding out a tray]  Cigarette? Cigar? Anyone?

  Ryan Stiles : [as if getting married]  I do.

  Drew Carey : Hey! Don't go away! There'll be lots of more Whose Line right after this!

• [Ryan accidentally rammed his head into a light fixture] 

  Drew Carey : Hey, Ryan, how many fingers am I holding up?

  [Holds up fingers and constantly moves them] 

  Ryan Stiles : ...4?

  Drew Carey : [puts down his fingers]  Uh, close enough,

  Ryan Stiles : How about me?

  [flips Drew off, the audience laughs] 

  Ryan Stiles : There better be some extra points in this.

  Drew Carey : [points to broken glass on the front of the desk]  I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass.

  Ryan Stiles : [points to glass, to Colin]  Was that lit?

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, yeah, it was. It'd be better if your head burst into flames.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Bad first lines of medical ads.

  Colin Mochrie : Ever wonder how food becomes poo?

  Greg Proops : Been decapitated recently?

• Drew Carey : I'd like to give a plug for Ryan's new show. It's a combination of "What's Happening," "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper," "The Outer Limits" and "The PJs." It's called "What's that Hangin' Out of Your PJs?"

  Ryan Stiles : Watch for it.

• Drew Carey : So if you want to be on "Whose Line it is Anyway?" send a naked Polaroid of yourself to the care of 'Whose Line' Po Box: 175.

  Chip Esten : That's how I got on.

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Things you do not want to hear your grandmother singing about.

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Grandma likes to get freaky in the mornin', freaky at night! Freaky on the left...

  [buzz] 

  Greg Proops : [singing]  Grandpa doesn't touch me anymore!

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  Oh, I put rat poison in the Christmas dinner.

  [buzzer; extreme laughter from Wayne] 

  Ryan Stiles : [goes back up]  I like to be on top!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Baby Drew's first words.

  Colin Mochrie : Colin's Bald!

  Wayne Brady : Hey Nurse, come on!

  Ryan Stiles : Pizza!

  Brad Sherwood : Show me them boobs! Come on!

• Drew Carey : Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot line of a porno film. They just don't matter.

• Drew Carey : [setting up "Weird Newscasters"]  Wayne, you're a redneck trying to hold on to his title at a greased pig competition. And Ryan...

  Ryan Stiles : ...Please don't say I'm the greased pig!

  Drew Carey : No, you're a first time mother going from conception to birth!

• Drew Carey : Ryan, you are looking for a virgin to sacrifice to appease the gods. And if you come near my desk, I'll kill you.

• Drew Carey : A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey show, Ryan and I have been totally naked.

  Ryan Stiles : Of course, some of us needed a wide angle lens.

  Drew Carey : And some of us needed a zoom.

• Drew Carey : Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet

  Wayne Brady : Hi, I'm Bea Arthur!

  Ryan Stiles : C-A-R-E-Y. Hmmm.

  Ryan Stiles : [Pretends to click away from the website. He then throws the computer out the window] 

  Drew Carey : Careful what you wish for Buddy...

• Drew Carey : The points don't matter. Just like a comb to Colin Mochrie, it just doesn't matter.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.

  [the audience applauds] 

  Drew Carey : I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it under Ryan's shoes!

• Drew Carey : Occupations where breaking into song is discouraged.

  Ryan Stiles : [pantomimes putting Colin into the electric chair]  We're... gonna... Fry you this morning, fry you this morning!

  Wayne Brady : [goes up with Jeff]  I'm sorry, but your husband... Isn't gonna make it isn't gonna make it, no, ain't gonna make it, isn't gonna make it...

  Jeff Bryan Davis : [continuing]  Isn't gonna make it!

  Colin Mochrie : [mimes trapping himself in a box]  I'm a MIME!

• [after Colin's quirk of trying to figure out who's really a man and who's really a woman] 

  Drew Carey : [pulls out a can of Oust for Colin]  I have some disinfectant for your... .

  Wayne Brady : [acting as a little boy, to Kathy]  Mommy, will you show me tapes of when you used to do Whose Line?

  Kathryn Greenwood : [giggles and makes gestures of using a VCR remote]  Well, darling... .

  Drew Carey : That was amazing, Colin Mochrie.

  [audience cheers and applause] 

  Ryan Stiles : [calling off-stage]  Keith, I'm going to need two minutes.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Ryan Stiles : And I *mean* "two minutes"!

  Drew Carey : That was unbelievable!

  Wayne Brady : Let's hear it for Colin Mochrie!

  [starts a huge round of applause, then turns to Drew] 

  Wayne Brady : He's *so* gentle too!

  Colin Mochrie : [embarrassed]  Yeah.

  Drew Carey : So 1000 points to everybody *but* Colin, because I was sitting the entire time... waiting for you to come over...

  Ryan Stiles , Colin Mochrie : Ohhh.

  Colin Mochrie : [points at Drew and smiles]  There's no doubt about you, my friend.

  Drew Carey : [chuckles]  Yep, I'm all man.

• Drew Carey : [to Ryan]  That was Ringling Bros. they want their shoes back.

• Drew Carey : [giving hints to Greg that the answer for Colin's "party quirk" includes gravity]  What holds you to the Earth?

  Greg Proops : Why, my love for you, Drew.

• Colin Mochrie : [at the desk]  Bad pick-up lines.

  Drew Carey : Hey, wanna see a picture of my penis?

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : [laughter] 

• Drew Carey : [after a mysterious figure appeared out of nowhere and poured some more drink into his cup]  What the fuck was that?

  [everyone laughs, Drew holds up the cup] 

  Drew Carey : MORE ALE WENCH!

• Brad Sherwood : There's nothing better than a 200-pound snatch, if you know what I mean.

  [everyone dissolves into laughter] 

  Ryan Stiles : That's never gonna make it to air, if you know what I mean.

  Drew Carey : You are a bad...

  Brad Sherwood : That is a weightlifting term!

  Ryan Stiles : Of course it is!

  Wayne Brady : This show brought to you by the Church of Latter-day Saints.

  Drew Carey : [to the TV audience]  Hey, kids, how come you're not in bed right now?

  Brad Sherwood : [quoting a parent]  This is the last time you get to watch that show.

  Ryan Stiles : [to Wayne]  If you know what I mean.

  Drew Carey : Well, two hundred pounds for each of you, and...

• Ryan Stiles : [Body odor Hoedown]  Anybody wanna have- wanna have a- go to the bathroom, come back in...

  [Sits down on the step] 

  Chip Esten : [Starts Yodeling] 

  Ryan Stiles : I'm faced out. I can't do shit.

  Drew Carey : I've got one.

  Ryan Stiles : Why don't you come over here and do one.

  Drew Carey : [singing through Ryan]  I went on a date last night, it didn't really end well. She said she wouldn't kiss me cause I had a weird smell. I said come on baby, why don't you have a heart, sure I may have B.O. but at least I didn't fart!

• [Party quirks] 

  Greg Proops : No. No! I'm just saying no to rugs.

  [doorbell] 

  Greg Proops : Come on in, Wayne! How's it going, man? W-welcome to the party.

  Wayne Brady : [as "Chicken With Attitude"]  Hmph.

  [walks in like a chicken and puffs up like saying "What you want"] 

  Greg Proops : Are you all right? You want some...

  Wayne Brady : ["No. Leave me alone!" kind of movement] 

  Greg Proops : Y-you want some corn or chips or something?

  [doorbell] 

  Greg Proops : I'm gonna...

  Wayne Brady : ["Answer the dang door!"] 

  Greg Proops : Woah, woah! I gotta get the door. Hello, Col. How are ya?

  Colin Mochrie : [as "A Person Who's Auditioning for Every Part in a Slasher Film"]  Here's my 8" by 10".

  Greg Proops : Uh... all right? Great.

  Colin Mochrie : All right? Here we go.

  [clears throat] 

  Colin Mochrie : Okay.

  [screams loudly] 

  Colin Mochrie : No, wait! I can do it better.

  [screams louder on higher pitch] 

  Colin Mochrie : No. I think maybe this part.

  [Covers hand over one eye and mimes stabbing someone while moaning] 

  Greg Proops : [doorbell]  Oh.

  [ducks under his arm] 

  Greg Proops : You have GOT to stop taking sudifed! Oh, hi Ryan! How are you?

  Ryan Stiles : [as "Excited by Ugliness and Looking for the Perfect Specimen"]  Great, how are you?

  Greg Proops : Fine.

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, thanks for inviting me. Can I meet your other guests?

  Greg Proops : Sure, no problem.

  [moves over to Wayne] 

  Greg Proops : This is a chicken. A funky chicken? No, he's not a chicken. A music chicken? He's a funky chicken? He's a chicken who thinks he's a rooster?

  Drew Carey : He's a chicken with an ATTITUDE.

  Greg Proops : Chicken with an attitude?

  [laughs] 

  Greg Proops : Ryan, have you met Colin. He's audtioning for a horror movie.

  Drew Carey : Every part in a horror movie.

  Greg Proops : [talking while Ryan, who's excited by ugliness in this role, is gazing at Drew Carey with facsination]  Listen... can I get you something? A glass of water or punch or something? Would you like a glass of punch or something?

  Ryan Stiles : Sure, Ryan.

  [pretends to spill invisible glass] 

  Ryan Stiles : Oops. I dropped it all over myself.

  [bends down to show Drew his butt] 

  Ryan Stiles : I believe I haven't met your other friend.

  Greg Proops : Oh, well this is Drew. He sits behind a desk and makes a lot more than us!

  [laughter from the audience] 

  Greg Proops : Hey, Drew. Have you met Ryan? He's trying to... seduce everyone he meets!

  Drew Carey : No.

  Greg Proops : He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? No? He's a man who's attracted to everyone he meets? He's a guy who's imagined that...

  Drew Carey : [interrupting]  Well, here he says that he's excited by UGLINESS!

• Drew Carey : If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.

  Ryan Stiles : Where did all the toilet paper gooo?

  Kathryn Greenwood : I love you sooooo much- oops I farted!

  Colin Mochrie : Hey! That's me with the booger in my nose! Booger in my nose!

  Wayne Brady : We made love at 5:06. I was done by 5:07!

  Colin Mochrie : Hey I didn't mean to cook your dog! But hey, those things just happen! My was just standin' there, and his little toes they started tapping! So I cut his throat, let go kick a goat, and then I put him on the barbeque!

  [Ryan pulls him offstage, end of game] 

  Drew Carey : And I put him on the barbecue!

• Drew Carey : Man, what a rough night I had. My inflatable girlfriend ran off with my air mattress.

• Drew Carey : [after the guys were impersonating Scotsmen]  Thousand points to Colin for sounding like the guy from Chicken Run.

• Ryan Stiles : [after licking Colin's ear, Ryan ate a handful of Altoids]  My mouth's on fire. I put about 30 of them in.

  Drew Carey : You know, these mints are curiously strong when you pop all of them in your mouth at once.

  Ryan Stiles : Wow.

  Wayne Brady : He's gonna have great breath for, like, 20 years.

  Brad Sherwood : Finally.

  Drew Carey : [Ryan spat out the Altoids]  Now the poor stage guy's gotta pick them all up...

• Drew Carey : Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.

  Ryan Stiles : [referring to last scene]  I'm Spartacus!

  Wayne Brady : Put me down!

  Robin Williams : Who's your daddy?

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Worlds worst subject for an interpretive dance.

  Ryan Stiles : [Makes wave movements with arms]  Diarrhea, flows like a river.

  Robin Williams : [crouches down]  Impotence is a horrifying thing!

  [Wayne comes in and straightens Robin up. They later hop back to their spots] 

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Heh heh. Th-things bald men are sick of hearing.

  Wayne Brady : [Goes up as does Colin. He folds his arms then Wayne hugs him. Colin walks off but Wayne motions him back on stage]  We need your head to bounce a laser of off to communicate with the satellite!

  Ryan Stiles : [Colin walks back but Ryan pushes him back on stage. He bends Colin's head down]  You're my only friend on this island.

  Wayne Brady : [He motions Colin back on stage]  No, I just had one! I don't wanna say anymore.

  Colin Mochrie : No, go on, it's comedy!

  Wayne Brady : Okay! Will Johnny take me to the prom?

  [Shakes Colin's head like a magic 8 ball] 

  Drew Carey : I'll stop it now for you.

  Colin Mochrie : Oh, thanks! Just in time.

  Drew Carey : I was just - suggestion there you know...

  Colin Mochrie : Yeah, stop at 10 I say!

• Drew Carey : "Strange things for a doctor to say after 'Turn your head and cough'".

  Ryan Stiles : Would you like to go out to dinner sometime?

  Brad Sherwood : Do you smell bacon?

  Colin Mochrie : Alright, now bend over and sneeze

  Ryan Stiles : Now, here's how you throw a curve.

  Brad Sherwood : Maybe I should turn up the heat in here...

  Wayne Brady : [Makes a clacking noise] 

• Drew Carey : Gifts the three wise men considered

  Wayne Brady : Mary, I give to you, a Playstation 2 for the child.

  Kathryn Greenwood : It's a Chia Pet!

  Ryan Stiles : [to Colin]  You can't give them a pork roast!

  Colin Mochrie : Water Skis.

  [Shrugs] 

  Wayne Brady : With these modivational tapes by Jack Robbins, your child will soar...

  Ryan Stiles : They call it... a thong.

• Drew Carey : 2,000 points to Ryan for his imitation of Bill Gates.

  Ryan Stiles : I'm micro-soft.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes From A Hat]  Inappropriate anecdotes on a celebrity talk show.

  Wayne Brady : [laughter]  ... no, so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone is like, "Ooh, what's that smell"?

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : ...so, things are tough, I'm a big ho. And...

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : I'm s...

  Robin Williams : ...so I said: "Get off me grandma, I'm done"!

  [buzz] 

  Wayne Brady : ...so, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his grandmother, and I'm like...

  [buzz] 

  Ryan Stiles : So... anyway, long story short,

  [pointing at his wedding ring] 

  Ryan Stiles : this is the stone I passed!

• Drew Carey : The other Spice Girls.

  Brad Sherwood : [everyone comes out]  I'm Velcro Spice!

  Kathy Kinney : I'm Gravy Spice!

  Colin Mochrie : I'm Old Spice!

  Ryan Stiles : I'm Cilantro!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes From a Hat]  The good news and the bad news.

  Greg Proops : Merry Christmas, Tommy! Look, it's "Geppetto" on DVD.

  Wayne Brady : Ooh!

  [Drew presses the buzzer, tight-lipped, while the audience laughs and cheers] 

  Wayne Brady : I liked it!

  Greg Proops : I liked it, too.

  Wayne Brady : I was in it. I liked it.

  Greg Proops : [weakly]  The bad news was it was Christmas.

• Drew Carey : Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like everything else when you own a Porsche.

  Ryan Stiles : None of us would know, Drew...

• Drew Carey : If entertainers worked funerals.

  Wayne Brady : Please gather around the body. Whooof!

  [pantomimes removing the blanket] 

  Wayne Brady : He's not there anymore! Huh? Thank you!

  [takes a bow] 

  Robin Williams : Is this the loved one? Alright start the truck Johnny! WOW, LOOK AT HIM MOVE! Isn't that incredible, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!

  Ryan Stiles : [Pantomimes opening the dead person's mouth and sticks his head in like a lion tamer in a circus act] 

  Colin Mochrie : [Pantomimes twirling the body like a balloon person]  A dog!

  Ryan Stiles : [Picks up body and holds it like a dummy]  Well, Harry and I would like to thank you all for coming by, wouldn't we Harry?...

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like when I say 'I love you' when I'm drunk.

  Wayne Brady : No!

• Drew Carey : Christmas is a holiday that I really hate / There are just too many things that I can't relate / So every December twenty fifth I just kick off my shoes / And go down to the deli to hang out with the Jews

• Drew Carey : Two thousand points to Kathy Greenwood for kissing Ryan.

  Kathryn Greenwood : Yeah!

  Colin Mochrie : I never get two thousand points for kissing him.

  Drew Carey : That's 'cause you like to kiss him.

  Ryan Stiles : It's got to be on the show!

  [Colin nods knowingly] 

• Drew Carey : Colin, Colin, another hundred dollars for you, buddy.

  [Drew and Colin kiss] 

  Ryan Stiles : That's just dirty money now.

  Drew Carey : How bad you want it, Mochrie? Come on, get your dirty money.

  Wayne Brady : He kissed really nice... For a dude.

  Ryan Stiles : I don't think the tongue was necessary, but I think...

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  I'm in love with a Canadian man...

  Drew Carey : Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway".

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, uh...

  [Wayne, Colin, and Ryan indicate wedding rings, Drew and Jeff are unmarried] 

  Jeff Bryan Davis : [kisses Colin and grins innocently] 

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Difficult questions for mommy to answer.

  Wayne Brady : Mommy, how come no one looks like me on "Friends"?

  Colin Mochrie : Mommy, how come no one looks like *me* on "Friends"?

  Drew Carey : If you weren't listening, I said difficult questions!

  Colin Mochrie : I'm adorable.

• [playing scenes from a hat] 

  Drew Carey : Trying to look cool while doing uncool things.

  [Wayne walks out and imitates pressing the buzzer] 

• Drew Carey : [Foreign Film Dub in Unkranian, starts hysterically laughing, then speaks mock Ukrainian] 

  Ryan Stiles : Hahahahahahaha! Oh, I was just laughing at an old joke I learned. Two perrogies walk into a bar.

  Kathryn Greenwood : [Speaks mock Ukrainian] 

  Colin Mochrie : Go on.

  Drew Carey : [Speaks mock Ukrainian, then stops and, in plain english]  Complimentary.

  Ryan Stiles : The nuts go over to the perrogies and say "Hey, you look great, have you lost weight?" and the perrogie says "What's with the nuts?" and the bartender says "They're complimentary".

• Drew Carey : [Chip just jumped on Ryan's back]  How's your back, really?

  Ryan Stiles : Fine.

  Ryan Stiles : Yeah, cause I saw you going

  Drew Carey : [Mouths words as though he's in pain] 

  Ryan Stiles : No actually I was saying "Get the fuck off! Get the fuck off!' I don't know if we can air that but that's what I said.

• Drew Carey : If famous movie lines were done by cartoon characters.

  Greg Proops : [as Scooby Doo]  Uh, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

  Colin Mochrie : [as Elmer Fudd]  Feeling wucky punk!

  Ryan Stiles : [as Popeye]  I'll be back-agagagagagagag!

  Colin Mochrie : [as Snagglepuss]  Rosebud, even!

  Wayne Brady : [as Yogi Bear]  Hey, Punk! Are you feeing lucky? Do you wanna see what's in my pic-a-nic basket?

• Drew Carey : [for Scenes from a Hat]  Here we go!

  [pause] 

  Drew Carey : Lines from Drew Carey's diary.

  Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today... how I wish that I were sitting on his lap and not behind that desk..."

  [buzzer] 

  Ryan Stiles : "Dear Diary, when will people find out I'm not a man?"

  [buzzer] 

  Drew Carey : "What our audience is thinking".

  Ryan Stiles : ...I wonder if that's all true?

  [buzzer and laughter] 

• [foreign film dub] 

  Drew Carey : [speaks mock Swedish] 

  Ryan Stiles : [translating]  I love you, but I've had too many meatballs!

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the nutrition facts on a Happy Meal.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like good fashion sense to Greg and Ryan.

• [Scenes from a Hat: What "Whose Line" Cast Members Wish for, when blowing out their "B"-Day Candles] 

  Wayne Brady : [Blows]  No more Hoedowns.

  Colin Mochrie : [Blows]  Let me play a Man in a scene.

  Ryan Stiles : [Blows]  Please, don't have Drew make me go under that desk again.

  Drew Carey : Young man, I'll see you at my desk.

• [Hoedown - Scary Wives] 

  Wayne Brady : Oh I got married about a year ago. I'm as happy as can be, I think you all should know. But my wife, I'm glad I did marry. Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.

  Drew Carey : Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife, cause she is the love of his life. But every night, just about three, Oh, Wayne, She's out with me.

  [Wayne's mouth drops, and then they dance] 

• Drew Carey : [after the Satan and the Schoolgirl Title Sequence]  I smell a spinoff...

• Drew Carey : [after a fight with Ryan Stiles]  We're gonna miss you Lewis!

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Canada.

• Drew Carey : I love the Village People, they give me confidence / Even though I'm not too bright, I am rather dense / I have a fat, white body, and I don't have a tan / But when I put on leather pants, I am a Macho Man.

• Drew Carey : The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.

• Drew Carey : Things to say that will always start a fight.

  Ryan Stiles : You guys wanna fight?

  Ryan Stiles : Hey, Clinton, what's with the fat broad?

• Drew Carey : [playing "Scenes From A Hat"]  Strange items to ask a neighbor to borrow.

  Kathy Griffin : Suzanne, I need to borrow your husband!

  Colin Mochrie : Hi, I need some monkey testicles and a cola.

• Drew Carey : [playing Scenes from a Hat]  "People you wish would just shut up..."

  Wayne Brady : [steps out]  People you wish would just shut up...

  Greg Proops : I'm Alex Trebek, and this is Jeopardy.

  [Buzz] 

  Greg Proops : Oh, I'm sorry, that buzz was too late.

  Greg Proops : I had an idea for a show! Four women with different viewpoints. Maybe too different!

• [Scenes from a Hat - Rejected themes for a restaurant] 

  Josie Lawrence : Welcome to Dead Cats. 109 recipes that you can do with your pussy.

  Drew Carey : I don't know if they told you, but in America, we can only get away with that if we pronounced it puss-ay.

• Drew Carey : Things you can see from outer space besides the Great Wall of China.

  Kathryn Greenwood : Look, those are Ryan's shoes.

• Drew Carey : Confusing battle cries.

  Wayne Brady : Hurt you!

  Ryan Stiles : Don't shoot until you see the whites!

  Colin Mochrie : Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!

  Colin Mochrie : Get my brown pants!

  Wayne Brady : Every last one of us will defend the alamo, right?

  [looks behind him, sees nothing] 

  Wayne Brady : What the hell?

• Greg Proops : [playing scenes from a hat with worst state mottos]  Mississippi: We do too have all our teeth!

  Colin Mochrie : Miami: The land that time remembered.

  Drew Carey : Miami's a city.

  Colin Mochrie : Florida: Not to be confused with Miami.

  Ryan Stiles : Montana: How fast can you drive?

  Ryan Stiles : Utah: 30,000 wives can't be wrong.

  Greg Proops : Texas: Capital Punishment rocks!

  Drew Carey : Couldn't agree more!

• Drew Carey : Wow, would you look at all the viewers we have! Friends must be a rerun!

  Robin Williams : [Comes up and scares him under the desk]  Hahaha!

  Drew Carey : You scared me!

• Drew Carey : What Drew Carey is thinking right now.

  Ryan Stiles : I wish Ryan was on this side so I can look at his ASS!

• Drew Carey : "First Drafts of famous movie lines"

  Ryan Stiles : Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb...

  Wayne Brady : Miss Scarlett, I don't give a burden about no Teletubbies!

  Chip Esten : I'll be back in a couple of minutes, I have some things I have to do, I'll be right back...

  Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla!

  Chip Esten : Luke, I'm your second uncle twice removed

  Drew Carey : Alrighty "World's Worst person to be stuck with at a party"

  Colin Mochrie : Fredzilla! Fredzilla!

• Drew Carey : Announcements made over Hell's PA system.

  Ryan Stiles : Attention. Will the owner of a Pinto, lisencse plate number...

  Wayne Brady : Tickets for Yanni, on sale in the lobby. Tickets for Yanni.

  Colin Mochrie : Clean up on aisle five.

• Drew Carey : For my next trick I'll need a female form the audience in about twenty minutes.

  Colin Mochrie : [laughing]  Twenty minutes.

  Chip Esten : [laughing]  Female.

• Drew Carey : Take it away, Laura, whenever you're ready. The ugly hoedown.

  [the music begins playing] 

  Wayne Brady : [singing]  Let me tell you something that happened just the other day/My date was so ugly I almost ran away/She was just horrific, where can I begin?/When that heffer was born her mama should have pushed her back in.

  [spoken] 

  Wayne Brady : Ugly!

  Drew Carey : [singing]  I met a girl at a nightclub/It was pretty dark/Thought I'd take her home just for a lark/But when I saw her in the light I ran a mile/Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.

  [Wayne and Drew do a swing your partner dance and giggle while Ryan clearly prepares his response] 

  Colin Mochrie : [singing]  I'm an ugly woman/Yes, it is not fair/I have an ugly face and I have no hair/What can I do? That's the way the fates went/The only person who'll sleep with me is the president.

  Ryan Stiles : [singing]  I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover/When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover/I'm big and white and round and my back is so hairy/Yes you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey

• Drew Carey : Hi, I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, and let's have some fun.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like underwear to Sharon Stone.

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Bad names for perfume.

  Wayne Brady : I call it... "Like Ass!"

  Ryan Stiles : You know you're good when you're wearing "Eau Du Pork!"

  Colin Mochrie : [referring to an earlier game of Song Titles when he said to Ryan "Nice Pants"]  "Nice Pants", the smell of corduroy.

• Drew Carey : Hey, welcome back to Whose Line. I'm Drew Carey, or as Hannibal Lecter calls me, dinner for two.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  "World's worst catchphrases."

  Colin Mochrie : Nieieieeieieiiice pants!

• Drew Carey : Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right! The points are like the thongs section in the Big & Tall store. They just don't matter.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Angelina Jolie's breakfast.

• Drew Carey : The points don't matter just like Jerry Springer's final thought.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a hat in an orgy.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the police department in Colombia.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like a condom to a Trekkie.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like deodorant to a New York City cab driver.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like Blair Witch 2.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the salad bar at a strip club.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot in a lesbian prison movie.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like street signs to a cab driver.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the plot in 'Mission: Impossible 2'.

• Drew Carey : Welcome to 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points are just like the credits in a porno movie.

• Drew Carey : If you've never seen the show before, what's going to happen is these four performers are going to come out here and make everything up for you, right off the top of their heads. At the end of every game, I give them points, I don't know why. It's just a little gag to hold the show together. And then, at the end of the night, we choose a winner, and the winner gets to do a little something special with me.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat-]  What President Bush does in the Oval Office when he's all by himself.

  Greg Proops : [pretends to look in mirror]  Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore?

• Drew Carey : That's right the points are like if N'sync and the Backstreet Boys traded guys. It doesn't matter.

• [Backstreet Boys HoeDown] 

  Drew Carey : Oh, I hate radio today. They ain't got nothing good to play all. / All they play is junk. They are in a rut, I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys / and shove'um their butt.

• [Scenes from a Hat game] 

  Drew Carey : Things in Drew Carey's planner.

  Wayne Brady : 7:00: count my money. 8:00: count my money.

  Ryan Stiles : 9:00- Blow up

  [crosses out] 

  Ryan Stiles : Pick up date!

• [magician hoedown] 

  Drew Carey : Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do/ Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two/ Let me tell you somethin' that'll give you a little laugh/

  [to Wayne] 

  Drew Carey : If you take my rhyme again I'm gonna saw your ass in half!

• Drew Carey : [introducing Song Styles, for Wayne]  Wayne, you will sing to Miss America in the style of a boy band. It doesn't matter which one, they all sound the same anyway.

• Drew Carey : I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.

• Drew Carey : What penguins are really thinking?

  Wayne Brady : Does this tux make me look fat?

  Ryan Stiles : Geez... it's cold!

  Colin Mochrie : One day I'll get that Batman!

• Drew Carey : The points are as useless as the host on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

  [buzzer] 

  Drew Carey : Anyone can do this.

• Drew Carey : Normally, I'd give Wayne all the points, but something about the way Greg was tapping his toes...

  [laughs] 

  Drew Carey : That's right, baby. See me in my trailer after the show.

• [after Party Quirks, when Ryan was playing a foal being born] 

  Drew Carey : Ryan "Anything for Laughs" Stiles.

  Ryan Stiles : That's how I got the job in the other show, remember?

• Drew Carey : The next game is called African Chant. Wayne will do the chant.

  Wayne Brady : Hey, how come I gotta do the African Chant?

  Drew Carey : [going into the audience]  Because Colin would screw it up.

• Drew Carey : Let me tell you about Wayne, Colin, and Ryan's... and Brad's newest movie, they all have a movie coming out, it's a combination of Coyote Ugly, Scary Movie, and X-Men. It's called 'It's Scary How Ugly Those Men Are'.

• Drew Carey : It's good to know that when the world is in danger Captain Bloodloss will be there.

• Drew Carey : Boy, Wayne sure has a tickly butt, huh?

• Drew Carey : If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.

• Drew Carey : Points are like the other guy from WHAM.

• Drew Carey : Now what we need is the name of an occupation you wanted to be when you grow up.

  Audience Member : Prostitute!

  Drew Carey : Ooooh... really. Don't hear that every day. Come see me after you grow up.

• Drew Carey : [after choosing a male audience member to be serenaded]  Regular viewer are wondering why I didn't pick the cute girl like usual. While, Chip and Wayne, you are going to sing to Derrik who works with diesel in the style of The Village People.

• Drew Carey : [after a "song styles" unexpectedly malfunctions by speeding up]  Thanks a lot, Howard. Or as Wayne Brady spells it, Horward... H-O-R-W-A-R-D!

  Wayne Brady : ...it's hard to spell when you're going 210 beats per minute, Drew.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  Things that will get 'bleeped' by the censors.

  Wayne Brady : En espanol, I am "El Grande Ricardo", but you can call me "Big Dick".

  [buzz] 

  Greg Proops : I'm George Bush and I'm a fucking indigimimite.

  [buzz] 

  Colin Mochrie : [reffering to a cat]  Here, pussy!

  [buzz] 

  Drew Carey : [laughing]  Bloopers from the first 100 episodes.

  Colin Mochrie : Here, pussy!

  [Greg and Wayne go up and start kissing] 

  Greg Proops : He's... uh...

  Wayne Brady : [Starts humming the Irish Drinking Song] 

  Wayne Brady : [Puts on Drew's glasses]  Hi, welcome to Whose Line it an- Oh, gosh I'm so stupid!

  Colin Mochrie : [Referring to an earlier scene]  H-O-R-W-A-R-D!

• Drew Carey : I'd like to give a plug for Colin's new movie - er - television show, actually. It's a combination between "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" and "Hair!" It's called "Where in the World is My Hair?"

• Drew Carey : [playing scenes from a hat]  What Robin Williams thinking right.

  Robin Williams : I have a career, what the hell am I doing?

• Drew Carey : Bad segues following tragic news stories.

  Chip Esten : ...and everyone died. Speaking of dying, I've been *dying* to see that new Bruce Willis flick!

  Wayne Brady : It was a big, big loss. Speaking of big, right after this, "The Drew Carey Show!"

  [everyone scowls] 

  Drew Carey : You are all gonna pay.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a Hat]  "Things that will cause a Drew Carey spit take."

  [takes his mug into his hand, ready for the spit take] 

  Drew Carey : [Ryan and Colin come out - Ryan kisses Colin, causing Drew to do the spit take] 

• [Drew Carey has just wrote down Porno for one of the styles for Film,T.V,and Theater Styles] 

  Drew Carey : It's like,B-7... PORNO!

• Drew Carey : [Film, TV, and Theater Styles]  Horror theater. Horror movies.

  Ryan Stiles : [to Kathy]  You two aren't married? You whore.

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  What Drew Carey thinks about before he drifts to sleep.

  Wayne Brady : Ah! Money.

  Ryan Stiles : He's so tall!

  Colin Mochrie : Maybe tomorrow I'll lick his head!

• Drew Carey : [scenes from a hat]  Bad times to smoke a cigarette.

  Colin Mochrie : Fire!

  [takes a puff] 

  Jeff Bryan Davis : [takes two puffs]  All right, push, Mrs. Johnson.

  Colin Mochrie : [Ryan crouches near Colin's buttocks and smokes]  I can't believe I broke my old record of six burritos.

• Ryan Stiles : [During Quick Change]  Honey, I think we should name the baby Bill.

  Drew Carey : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : I think we should name the baby Drew.

  Drew Carey : Change.

  Ryan Stiles : I think we should name it C-3PO.

• Drew Carey : Now, we need two unlikely roommates.

  Person from audience : Bill Cosby and Hitler!

  Drew Carey : Bill Cosby and Hitler! Bill Cosby and Hitler certainly unlikely roomates

  Censor : Hold Please.

  Drew Carey : You've got to be kidding me.

  Ryan Stiles : Not that Hitler

  Brad Sherwood : We meant RUDOLPH Hitler!

  Wayne Brady : [as Bill Cosby]  Would you like some Jello... Hitler?

  Drew Carey : Somebody over there! Gimme a profession

  Person from audience : Insurance Salesman

  Drew Carey : Insurance Salesman. Brad and Wayne, you're going to be singing Bill Cosby and the Insurance Salesman. Pretty fucking funny isn't it?

• [Party quirks- Colin is trying to identify Robin Williams] 

  Colin Mochrie : You're a very angry personal fashion advisor.

  [Robin starts to congratulate him, but Drew says he's not quite right] 

  Colin Mochrie : Who needs decaf.

  Drew Carey : What do they call them? They give them a special name.

  Colin Mochrie : [annoyed]  Yeah, they do, don't they?

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Versions of hell, other than eternal flame.

  Ryan Stiles : Okay, that's a thousand points for Colin, it's time for Hoedown.

  Colin Mochrie : Let's hear that Yentl soundtrack one more time!

  [when no one laughs, he does his "Lightning Rod of Hate" signal] 

  Wayne Brady : Mississippi, I'm still in Mississippi!

  Greg Proops : Mississippi, *I'm* still in Mississippi!

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Bad topics to open a conversation with.

  Colin Mochrie : [to Ryan]  What color's your poo first thing in the morning?

• Drew Carey : [Scenes from a hat]  Things that make the audience boo!

  Ryan Stiles : [to Colin]  What color's your poo in the morning

  [BOO] 

  Jeff Bryan Davis : Okay so we have our potatoes simmering. Now after we filet the baby seal.

  [BOO!] 

  Ryan Stiles : You simply wait for traffic, then you push the old lady. Push the old lady.

  [mixed boos and applause] 

  Ryan Stiles : I wasn't looking for applause on that one. I was looking for...

  Jeff Bryan Davis : And the award for the best actor goes to - Keanu Reeves.

  [BOOOOOOO] 

• Drew Carey : Welcome Back to Whose Line is it Anyway, where you can never be too rich, or too gay.

  [Wayne, Chip, Colin and Ryan both point to rings-when it is revealed that Drew has none, they all laugh and grin] 

  Drew Carey : I've never heard of a married gay guy before...

• Drew Carey : World's Least Popular Monuments

  Brad Sherwood : Over here folks, you'll see the Statue of Puberty.

  [buzz] 

  Brad Sherwood : Over here is the Viagra Falls!

  Drew Carey : I said LEAST popular

  Brad Sherwood : Oh! Wow!

• Drew Carey : WOOOOOO! Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter.

  Ryan Stiles : We just came back from a commercial, and "WOOOO!"

• Ryan Stiles : You know, Colin, there's a lot of music on this CD set for older people, but there's also music for the young kids of today.

  Colin Mochrie : Get out!

  Ryan Stiles : Yes, one of today's most popular bands is Kid Rock!

  Colin Mochrie : No, I did not know that.

  Ryan Stiles : And of course- they're not...

  [Drew is laughing really hard] 

  Ryan Stiles : Am I saying something wrong here?

  Drew Carey : Kid Rock's just one guy.

  Ryan Stiles : Of course it is. You know, one of my favorite bands is Kid Rock! He's just one guy, but he's large!

• Drew Carey : [90 second alphabet in a resturant]  Xaviera Hollander told me about this place...

  Ryan Stiles : Yes, he's been here some time.

  Drew Carey : Ziegfried and Roy recommended this place to me...

  Ryan Stiles : Absolutely! They've all been here!

  Drew Carey : Bozo the Clown said...

  Ryan Stiles : Clowns? We never serve clowns!