- [Dalziel is meeting the new Deputy Chief Constable for the first time]
- DCC Raymond: There are four things I like to have on my desk, Superintendent. An empty in-tray, a full out-tray, a copy of Archbold's "Evidence and Practice"...
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: That's only three things.
- [Raymond reaches into the drawer of his desk and produces a Bible]
- DCC Raymond: And the Book, of course, for guidance in times of confusion and uncertainty. Do *you* believe, Superintendent?
- [Dalziel realises it would be unwise to say that he is not a believer]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [evasively] In the fallibility of man? Yes, sir.
- [Dalziel is working late when DCC Raymond comes into his office]
- DCC Raymond: I wanted to have a word about a *serious* matter. What do you know about unnatural practices in CID?
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Oh, there's no need to worry about that. The last practising Freemason retired last year.
- DCC Raymond: Andrew, it has come to my attention that there may be an active homosexual in your department. The press are onto it - that rag, The Challenger. I'm unhappy about the implications, so I would like you to tell me who it is.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: You would?
- DCC Raymond: I would.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [chuckling] Well, give us a kiss and I'll tell you.
- [DCC Raymond looks stony-faced]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: I'm sorry, sir. It's been a long day. I take it you're serious.
- DCC Raymond: Be assured of it, Superintendent.
- [Dalziel has now learned that the homosexual officer in his department is Wield, and he is determined to protect him from DCC Raymond's witch-hunt. But Raymond is still determined to find the officer's identity. Dalziel has a cunning plan]
- DCC Raymond: Just one little item not yet cleared up.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Sir?
- DCC Raymond: I think you'd better tell me, finally, without further prevarication.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [sighs] Right. You see, sir... the thing is... This is very difficult for me. People think I'm a big, bruising bull in a china shop, but I'm not really. Not deep down.
- [Dalziel starts acting camp, and puts his arm round Raymond's shoulders]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: I'm a sensitive man, really.
- DCC Raymond: [alarmed] Mr Dalziel.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: You're a good listener. You know that. I've a confession to make.
- DCC Raymond: Confession?
- [there is a knock at the door and Pascoe walks in]
- Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [to Raymond] Would you excuse me for just one moment.
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [to Pascoe] Have you been dyeing your hair, Peter?
- Det. Insp. Peter Pascoe: Sir?
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: Maybe it's the sun that's bleached it a bit. Suits you, though.
- [he touches Pascoe's hair]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: [to Raymond] Thank you, sir. For being so kind and understanding.
- [he takes Raymond's hand and caresses it, and then leaves the room; outside Raymond's door he whispers to Pascoe that he has let Raymond believe that *he* is the homosexual, and they both burst out laughing as Raymond opens his door]
- [having just met the new Deputy Chief Constable, whom he has discovered is deeply religious and obsessed with clean hands and morality, Dalziel gives his verdict to Pascoe and Wield]
- Det. Supt. Andy Dalziel: I don't know where they find them. Perhaps it's something to do with Care in the Community. Release all the crazies and make them senior officers in the police service.